ok so 3 weeks on how do I get past this deep sense of failure over my baby's birth?

[Pinkyminkee]

It is so silly. My third child - I should be better about this. It's going to be a bit long..so apologies now.

I was going for a VBA2C, with a very supportive consultant, but there were some concerns about my baby- she seemed to have stopped growing, wasn't moving much and not emptying her bladder properly, so I had a sort of unplanned cs in the end at 38 weeks.

I had started to show signs of labour before the section.Lots of pain across my scar- turned out I had some pretty horrid adhesions around my bladder and this wound is pretty painful compared to my other two.

My baby was absolutley fine- but we had no way of knowing that, I suppose.

I cried a lot in the theatre. I thought I was ok about it, but when I went in I realised I really wasn't.

I got skin to skin straight away and everyone was lovely. But.

I feel sad that this was my last chance at a VB and I failed.

I feel sad that my baby's birth was marred by me getting so upset by it all.

My baby is beautiful and her siblings are thrilled too, but I can't stand it when people ask me how the birth went. I feel like I'm making excuses for myself.

This all sounds very silly and self-indulgent, I know. But did you feel like this at all? what did you do about it?

one, its not your last chance - I had a vba3c
two, the most important thing is your baby is ok. Hold onto that thought and it will help.
I had a vabc for my 4th child, convinced I'd missed out on something special. Well, it hurt like buggery, I've been left with hideous pain and the birth brain damaged my child. It really isn't all its cracked up to be.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad but don't make excuses to people. You gave birth. Its one of the ways.

Not been through a CS, but had a difficult vb - so not entirely been where you are.. I would say - be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time - you're hormonal, recovering from major surgery, looking after a newborn and had a stressy time leading up to the CS. Allow yourself to think about it and accept that right now sometimes you'll feel sad about it.

I really don't know what to say - there is a brth trauma support thread somewhere that may help? There is so much expectation/pressure on women to have the perfect & natural birth, when really it's about getting baby out safely. Do you know why you feel like this? Do you feel ashamed? {{hugs}}

You made a decision to put the welfare of your baby over your wishes. Sounds good to me.

I've had 2 sections and I don't worry about it any more. It's not what I think about when I look at my children.

You did good - now go and enjoy your baby!!

it might help if you have a set form of words to say about the birth to idle enquirers. so that you can say them without thinking/feeling so down about it.

I've not had a c-section, but I would suggest that your mw should be your first port of call (if she's not d/c you already) and if she has then your hv. You need to let a professional know how you're feeling and to have the chance to talk it all through with somebody who should be able to help you make sense of your feelings and come to terms with how the birth of your 3rd child went. I really hope you can access the help you deserve.
Congratulations of the safe arrival of your 3rd child btw!

Yes, agree this is one of many ways to give birth. You did no less 'work' or had an easier time than any other way. You still gave birth to a wonderful baby.

I think that child birth is just so shocking and tramatic, however you give birth, but in rl no one really talks about it, they say x happened, but not how it affected them iyswim.

I had a normal vb, and it took me months to get my head round what had happened. A year on and I am not healed from my 'small tear that will heal in a couple of weeks'

Not silly and self-indulgent at all, normal to feel

But remember
You grew this baby, cared for it in utero and brought it safely into the world
You have a wonderful baby
You are a fab mother
No one else thinks badly of you because you didnt have a vb

I also think that we have too much time to think about it all when they are newborn, now mine is on the go the birth is such a distant memory.

Pinky - i couldn't say after my em c-s with ds2 that i had 'given birth' to him, silly i know, had to change it to he was born on or something.
he's nearly 10mo old and i think i'm mostly over it now, really didn't think i would be in those early days when i cried about it lots (went from a planned HB to c-s as he was an undiagnosed breech).
I still think of it all when i look at my scar (though that is healing really well so i can't complain) as i feel it's there forever, proof that something went 'wrong' iykwim.

Don't call them 'silly' and 'self-indulgent' thoughts, you are feeling these things whatever others might think or say to you, so they are important feelings.

((hugs)) if you do them and know that things will get better, you are tired and hormonal right now both of which make things seem so much worse.

Sorry reading that back it sounds a bit patronising, not my intention, I hope you feel better soon x

Thank you so much for the replies.

I was feeling very low in then hospital before the cs- lots of labouring ladies around me.

I was on my own for most of my stay (long story, not DH's fault, btw) but DH was there for the birth and a bit afterwards.

I think I do feel a bit ashamed, especially about how upset I got in theatre.

You have to grieve what you have lost - that image of you as earth mother giving birth vaginally - that you no doubt dreamed about throughout your preg.

I haven't been there but I have similar feelings about failing to breast feed. Ultimately your dc are not going to suffer for it and now they have all been born the same way.

It does also mean that you've only trashed one bit of your body.

You did NOT fail. This is not the right word to use, you did everything in your power to try having a VB but sometimes things outside our control means things don't go according to plan, please don't beat yourself up about it.

It's not silly or self-indulgent. Your body, your baby, your hopes, your feelings. Nobody may judge you on this.

It is important to talkk through these things and come to terms with them.

You have in no way failed. I don't know why thre is this silly idea that a VB passes some exam; it's not true. There is no exam. Just a wonderful end result if we're lucky- our babies.

I've never had a CS but I am vaguely equating the sense of failure to that I had after my first, eclmaptic delivery.

You made the choices that were safest for the baby on the information you ahd despite that going against what in your heart you anted. far from being a failure that was a genuinely good thing to do.

The mode of deliver is not important, how we raise, nurture and love our child is all that matters.

Consider whether it could possibly be post traumatic stress, if so you might need a chat with the supervisor of midwives which should be easy to arrange.

Thanks everyone. You have made me feel a lot less silly. I think I could do with at least talking this through with someone. My consultant did come to see me the next day but he missed me as I was going for my shower.

I think it is possibly a bit of a grieving thing, as you say. I was posssibly pinning a lot of healing for my other 'births' on this one, which may be why I feel a bit floored by it.

Pinkyminkee I have had your feelings.

I went into labour thinking all would be textbook. My first labour was. I miscarried my second pregnancy at home and it was completely textbook. But things failed in so many ways with this last birth. I underwent an emergency cesserian 13 weeks ago. And for at least the first six weeks I cried daily. A very deep, painful cry of loss, failure, and betrayal. I attempted to speak with my care provider at 7 weeks but basically just cried the entire time. As common as cesserians are mine seemed to literally tear me in two emotionally.

As for what I did about "it", I've spoken to every possible person on the planet to find out details of my birth and of other births where similar things happened. I've gone through some of my notes but don't have them all yet. I've read birth story after birth story just to gain some sound understanding of how and why I ended up failing having an emergency cesserian. Now at week 13 I feel stronger in spirit having taken the time to study what happened. I have anger to overcome since I was (in the end) on the border of whether to have one more child. Now if I do, the birth and the pregnancy would have an unnaturalness and be filled with fear throughout, a constant wonder whether complications would arise again. That's a fear that at 38(well almost 38) I don't believe I want to attempt to fight. I've thought "what-if" having a VBAC is the only way to wipe the slate clean but then how would I manage my emotional state if it ended with a repeat cesserian. I completely understand the place you find yourself right now and I wish things were different for you. Posting here is a very positive way for you to help yourself find peace.

I have done one other thing that might be of help to you. I love on my little girl purposefully everyday. She is amazing, happy & healthy. I love on her older sister too. I tell them everyday how wonderful they are to me. They make me very happy. It's that happiness that I focus on purposefully at least once each and every day. Like meditation or hypnosis, I'm hoping that by making myself do this loving and thoughtful practice each day my pain will fade and I will find the healing I so desperately need.

Best Wishes with your journey.

When I ask someone how their labour was, I usually mean: are you ok? Was the baby ok? Are you recovering? How are you feeling?

What I don't mean is: did you manage to have a natural labour because that makes you a real mother.

The thing is, I am very in awe of people who have to endure a cs! It seems so much more traumatic and scary and brave, and is so much harder to recover from than a "straightforward" vaginal delivery!

I know that there are some mothers who do place value on how hard they had to push ( i don't know any of these mothers, thank god), but tbh I really believe that how your baby comes into the world is of no importance compared to the fact that your body nurtured a beautiful child for 9 months and then you made it possible for him/her to be born as healthily as possible into their new life. What you did, regardless of the method, is the most amazing thing - you gave life to a person! I know that birth experiences, whatever they are, have a lifelong impact on all of us mothers - we carry them with us for the rest of our lives, don't we? But the focus should be on the achievement of giving life and I really mean it when I say that I think that the greatest achievement is having a baby in the safest possible circumstances! Congratulations.

P.S. I think that 3 weeks after a baby is born it is normal to feel very emotional. It is partly because all of the euphoria of the initial couple of weeks starts to wear off, hormones are raging and we are reflective about alot of things and much harder on ourselves. First time mothers often cite the 3rd week post-partum as the hardest week to get through, so part of your feelings of depression may be part of that normal process of hormones rebalancing themselves (not to detract at all from what I am sure are very real feelings for you).

I had a VBA1C with DS2, and yes, it did heal some of the trauma over the c/s I had with DS1. However, I ended up with a whole lot of new issues to deal with - DS2 was ill at birth, would probably have been better with a c/s, I had a rough birth and was v.sore afterwards. Ended up feeling I'd ruined everything with a c/s and v/b scar. Mine did tip over to PND both times, so watch out for that. Talk to health professionals earlier rather than later.

You did the best with the information that you were given. Nobody would have asked for anything else. And I'm sure you're not the first person to have gotten emotional in theatre.

It is all a risk, isn't it? I think the fact that you have a CS which means with subsequent children you have to go through this dilemma of how to give birth in the future is very stressful in itself.

The constant need for me to weigh up odds and make the decisions was quite difficult for me, on my own, in the hospital, and to bbe quite frank I had had enough.

The team who delivered DD2 were clearly making a lot of effort to make me fel better, to make it a positive experience for me, for which I am very grateful.

I appreciate that many people have very traumatic experriences of childbirth, DS's birth was bad enough, which is probably why I feel quite self-indulgent about the way I feel now.

I will try to talk to someone about it, not sure who yet. I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

Echo on here about maybe feeling better coinciding with physical recovery from CS. I was very low and anaemic, had flashbacks about the op and cried every day for a month after my CS but started to pick up hugely after 6 weeks or so, I'm sure it's no coincidence that this marked my physical recovery and ability to get out and about more with my baby. Give yourself time. I often feel regretful that I couldn't just relax and enjoy my time with my lovely newborn child .

Hi Pinkyminkee
Contact these people: www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
They will definitely be able to help you. It saddens me when people are so dismissive of the psychological effects ceasarean can have on so many women - yes we all know that, ultimately, it's not HOW your baby was born that's most important, but that your baby is healthy. But to dismiss the means of birth as unimportant is just missing the point. I guess until you've been there, it's impossible to truly empathise.
And bear in mind that this wasn't your last chance. If you decide you want another child in the future, then a VBA3C is a definite possibility. But even a successful VBAC is not necessarily a "cure" to make up for the births that didn't go to plan. My own VBA3C was quite traumatic when it came down to it (although on the other hand it was also everything I had hoped for too) - everybody's births mean different things to different people, and one woman's ideal birth will be another's nightmare.
What you are feeling is very very normal - I'm sure that with a little help from the Birth Trauma people, you'll soon be feeling much more at peace with yourself.
Good luck.

thanks so much for all the useful advice,and kind words.

I wil certainly try that link, vbacqueen1

{{{applaud}}}} VBACQUEEN1 that's the point of view I wish more people could see. Very well said.

Pinky you are already on the right path.

Pinkyminkee - Congratulations on the birth of your DD!!!! You have failed at nothing. I was so set on a bloody homebirth VBAC and didn't get it and you know what, it doesn't matter. What matters is that both of you survived the experience and are okay.

After my second caesarian I ended up having to have further surgery to repair a hernia so I spent a long time in a lot of pain afterwards and found it quite hard to get attached to DS. But he's four months old now and it does come and quite frankly I've worked out that I'll probably never have another shot at it and that's okay. There is little point in imagining that whatever you could have done would have made a difference childbirth is unplannable in lots of ways and you did the right thing for your baby. That's what matters.

Big supportive hugs though - give it a few months, I did and it's just a memory now.