ok so 3 weeks on how do I get past this deep sense of failure over my baby's birth?

[Pinkyminkee]

It is so silly. My third child - I should be better about this. It's going to be a bit long..so apologies now.

I was going for a VBA2C, with a very supportive consultant, but there were some concerns about my baby- she seemed to have stopped growing, wasn't moving much and not emptying her bladder properly, so I had a sort of unplanned cs in the end at 38 weeks.

I had started to show signs of labour before the section.Lots of pain across my scar- turned out I had some pretty horrid adhesions around my bladder and this wound is pretty painful compared to my other two.

My baby was absolutley fine- but we had no way of knowing that, I suppose.

I cried a lot in the theatre. I thought I was ok about it, but when I went in I realised I really wasn't.

I got skin to skin straight away and everyone was lovely. But.

I feel sad that this was my last chance at a VB and I failed.

I feel sad that my baby's birth was marred by me getting so upset by it all.

My baby is beautiful and her siblings are thrilled too, but I can't stand it when people ask me how the birth went. I feel like I'm making excuses for myself.

This all sounds very silly and self-indulgent, I know. But did you feel like this at all? what did you do about it?

Pinky, the birth trauma association is a great resource. Also feel free to join us on the birth trauma support thread

There was a concern about your baby so you did the best thing for her - if the cs hadn't been on offer imagine the trauma of waiting to go into labour and then her getting through the birth and you wondering if she would be ok. Talk through how you feel and the responses will be how brave you were and how you acted in your babys best interests.

Many congratulations as well xxx

I agree with angechica in that I really struggled at first (although there was always a part of me that thought I wasn't going to get a VB) but as time wore on, my adoration of my DS became much more important. I do feel I was a bit robbed though but I suspect if I were to get pg again, I'd have exactly the same complication that meant I didn't get a vb last time.

Now he's nearly 2, I don't think about it anymore. I hope you get to that place too

Wise ladies, you speak so much sense.
Thank you wmmc and I am glad you are feeling better, you had such an awful run of things.

cupsoftea I really hadn't thought about it in that way- though I think DH did- the consultant said he would give me a few days to think about it if I wanted, on the morning of the CS, because I was so low. It just felt like yet more decisions. Dh said we had no real way of knowing wether DD was ok or not.

I will give myself some time - I suppose I am still a bit bruised generally, as you say.

Pinkyminkee - I hope you're starting to feel better about your DD2's birth. Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little girl. You are not a failure - you are grieving over the loss of your hope for a VBA2C - but you mustnt let that grief overwhelm all the wonderful things you do have - a loving husband and 3 beautiful children who you have created with your husband and given life to. How you gave life to them ultimately doesnt matter - you and your husband brought these wonderful little people into existence. This thought was what helped me heal from my birth trauma over my DS's birth.

The other thing that helped me was writing down my birth story - it helped me get out all of the emotions, sadness, loss and fears out of my system so I could move on and heal - and enjoy my life with my DS and husband. It may help you too though it sounds like you're starting to heal already.

Pinky

just wanted to say you are not the only one to have bawled in theatre, I did too (and on the ward beforehand numerous times, not helped by the fact I was 3rd on the list & DS not born until after 1pm...having been there since 7am...) Was also in floods of tears to DH the night before for being a "failure" again.

DD was an em c/s for distress & my high BP at 39+4

Was so desperate for a VBAC with my second, but DS had other ideas - at 40+8 he disengaged & went into an oblique lie and my BP was creeping up... so ended up with an el c/s at 40+10...He ended up being 10lb10.5oz, so was probably a good thing really....

DS is definitely my last (I'm 42 & in any case don't do pregnancy well, severe MS & SPD...)

Although I was okay after DS's birth (much better experience than DD's em c/s) like you I felt (and still do feel) sad that I will never experience a VB. Be gentle with yourself, & give yourself time to "grieve" it does get easier with time. I will always be a bit sad that I missed out on one of life's experiences, but it matters less & less with each passing day. It was DS's 1st birthday a week ago & I managed to get through the whole day without thinking about it (although had talked to DH about it the night before)

Don't make excuses for the c/s, you did the right thing by putting your baby first, any decent mother in your shoes would do the same, put baby's life ahead of their own wish for a VBAC.

Oh and the "friend" that said to me (in jest) "I see you were 'too posh to push' again and went for the easy option" was left with such an earbashing that I don't think he will say anything flippant like that to a woman post c/s again!

What you are feeling is not silly & self indulgant, but probably only women who have been in a similar situation will truly understand.

I am definitely going to tlak to the practice nurse when she comes next week, she is really nice and I think I could talk to her.

Betsy I understand what you mean about the wait. DD1 was born by elcs at 10 am which was great- not too much time to think about it. This time DD2 wasn't born until 3:58pm. I had to have a drip to stop me getting dehydrated whilst I waited. I know it's not anything anyone can control- there were emcs, but it didn't help.

I've had numerous comments with all my dcs of the too posh to push variety, and the comments about how others who have had VB make such 'natural' mothers. Twaddle, but it doesn't help when yuo are feeling low.

booksgalore I don't feel as though I gave birth to any of my children. With DS I was only 4cm when he went into distress. I think that is why I could never do a 'birth story' post on my antenatal thread.

Pinky, you have brought a brand new lovely little life into the world - how can that be a failure?

My one and only dd was born by c-section at 42 weeks gestation. I chickened out (as I thought) and went for elective section. After she was born, the obst informed me she had the cord wrapped 6 times around her neck.

So, if I had had my trial of labour, my dd may have been brain damaged.

Enjoy your new dd. There are many things to feel guilty about. Having a baby by c-section is not one of them.

Please give dd a cuddle from me, and be gentle with yourself.

I worked as a midwife for 12 years. The mode of delivery does not make a good/bad mum. Lots of love/lack of love do.