Please distract me - have to wait another four hours till MiL goes home so I can go into labour!

[whomovedmychocolate]

Don't laugh, it's not funny, have been vomiting and pooping since 2am and have bad badache and intermittent tightenings and have just had a show (again - I must have a ficking snail up there).

Have totally lost all sense of humour, just want to get her on the bloody train so she's out the way and I can get on with it.

Need to do a sodding birthplan and hospital bag because my original plan is out the window (homebirth) and all my clothes go dirty last week when I was admitted with high BP. Oh and I can't find any sodding knickers because my MiL has helpfully done all the washing and put them somewhere . But if they are not in a low cupboard I'm buggered anyway because I can't actually get up off the floor.

Some serious swearing is called for at this point.

Oh dear - can you have a bath, or something? Can't remember whether that's supposed to slow things down or speed them up now. Hopefully the stress of her being there will stop things starting completely, and you can then go for it in a big way once she's gone.

Does she know you are in labour?
Ask her to help out -she can go and find your knickers for starters!

Hi wmmc
Why do you need her to go?

No she bloody doesn't and she's not finding out either or she'll never bloody well go home. DH has suggested I go to bed and rest for a while since I have 'morning sickness' - he knows what's going on and agrees with me we have to get rid of her before things really kick off otherwise she'll be a PITA. My mum can come over and care for my daughter this afternoon or whenever. I should point out MiL is quite elderly and not able to be of practical help - other that if I have a low blood pressure reading - she's quite good at putting that up

Oh dear. I sympathise.

I am due on Tuesday. DS1's birthday on Thursday. Am dreading a phonecall from MIL to say she wants to visit. Haven't really got a good reason to say no other than I don't want her anywhere near me, in general, but specifically in case I go into labour.

Call her a cab, tell her there is a really big present for her outside then lock front door. When cab arrives she'll get the hint.

Bath is supposed to slow things down.

oh lord
dh just needs to say "off you go mum, we'll see you in a few days, wmmc isn't feeling good right now"

Have you got a friend who can swoop in on a mercy mission to take you for a fictitious lunch -in reality they could take you back to their house to cross your legs relax until MIL is safely on her train

Sadly she's due to go off and visit a friend and go home from there - she's too old to drive and we were meant to be taking her there, but are now putting her on a train instead but train not for ages grrr.

She came for 'a few days' last week but because I was admitted to hospital hung around. She got pissed as a fart last night and talked Daily Mailish nonsense till I just turned on the TV and ignored her and then of course as soon as she went to bed everything kicked off. So I'm knackered and grumpy and less than diplomatic at the mo.

With DD she bloody well moved in while I was in hospital and had to be evicted before I would come home (frankly I said either she went home or I wasn't and I had the cute baby with me so.....)

Yep. Do as F&Z says. Surely she can get an earlier train.

she sounds like a pain! I don't like my MIL near me at the best of times let alone in labour! Hope all goes well for you

DH is equally fed up of her being here. He just wants his little family back and to look after me. Instead he's sitting downstairs bringing me tea and sympathy every half hour.

Am about to kidnap DD for a feed and a cuddle though

Fair enough
I am excited though - will be keeping an eye on this thread
Agree with feeling a bit off colour and retiring to your room until she's safely gone
Is your DH dropping her at the station? How long will he be gone?

can dp take her out for tea and a bun somewhere?
then you could at least forget about her
or how far does her friend live? can you not still take her?

WMMC i guess you should lie down, move as little as possible, do all the things they would do to you in hospital that would slow it all down!
Can your dh not take her out somewhere for lunch as you're "feeling ill" then just take her to the station/airport/whatever from there?

don't feed your DD if you're breastfeeding! That could really get things going!!!!

F&Z two hours drive away - not an option, need to be within 30 mins of the hospital as the cord location is not known and because of excess fluid I could have a cord prolapse quite easily if my waters go.

No doubt once she goes everything will stop and I'll be sodding well annoyed by that as well

No pleasing some people

DH is suggesting we go out for lunch before her train - the likelihood of me eating anything is laughable.

There's only one train - she's going from here (hicksville central) to her friends house (middleofnowherehamlet). Oh and her friend isn't home till 4pm.

Can't help feeling she's finding far too many excuses here but you can't exactly leave an octogenarian in the rain at a train station in the middle of nowhere for several hours - especially when they have money for cabs to find their way back to your house.

Good point about feeding DD idontbelieveit.

Sorry, I know it is not funny, but I am snorting at tell her there is a present outside the front door and lock it.

Where are you, can any of us help?

Well actually, I can't because I am in bed with the lurgy, but I am not too poorly to offer the services of the rest of my fellow MNers.

WMMC very sorry about all this
what a mare

Ah thank you bree - sorry you are sick.

She'd be calling through the catflap for several hours before she took the hint though if we went down the present route.

She's already asked why, if my mum is allowed to be around to look after DD, she can't be there for the birth! (Hmm perhaps because life and death should not be in the same room at the same time and I'd bloody murder you).

We could come up with some kind of 'you kill mine, I'll kill yours' type arrangement.

Perfect alibi - we were both in labour when the other person's MIL 'mysteriously' ran/fell in front of a bus?

Seriously, this is your one and only one secret weapon - i.e. pregnancy. You can't use it again ,for a while, at least.

DH must chuck her out with some kind of 'DW not feeling well' excuse. He just needs to not let on that you are in labour.

The worst that happens is she is offended. It's not like she won't come back when the glorious grandchildren are at stake.

God I sound like a right bitter cow.

WMMC just sending sympathy really. I managed (somehow) to "hold on" with my labour until we could ring the nursery on the dot of 7.30am and take dd1 straight there en route to hospital. (mil wasn't staying with us but was our back up childcare plan and I was really unhappy with that particular plan)

I howled (discreetly) through contractions in the nursery car park and corridor whilst clinging pathetically on to the wall. I gave birth 4 hours later.

Really really hope you find some way to get rid of her soon. In the meantime avoid all the things that might speed it up - no pineapple juice just in case!

My mil pleaded to visit on the day I gave birth - just didn't want to respect our plan. Plan was dh and dd1 only that first evening - all grandparents welcomed on the 2nd day.

What a cow "hiding" your knickers.

I don't think you are local to me (!) otherwise I would say send her round here and I would ply her with tea and scones until it is time to send her on to her friend's home. You could pretend we are "bestest" friends and I have been dying to meet her.

Actually we shouldn't joke with you, does laughing speed things up?