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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Ok, please come and talk sense into me - am 19 weeks pg and having seriously panicking about what is going to happen with DS when I go into labour.

39 replies

ceebee74 · 03/07/2008 20:35

I know I am being irrational about this but I am feeling really panicky about who will look after DS (he will be 2.4 at the time) when I go into labour.

I would have no issues if it was my parents but they live 90 minutes away so are not exactly 'on-call'. MIL, on the other hand, lives 15 minutes away.

I know MIL is the obvious choice but I just can't bring myself to think that she will be able to look after DS for what could be well over a day. She is in her 70's and we have never left DS with her before - although DH thinks that it should be her.

In fact I have never spent a night away from DS and it breaks my heart to think how upset he might be if I am not there

Sorry - this is a bit of a ramble but I can't think straight about it and just need some common sense so I can get some perspective on this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

thisisyesterday · 03/07/2008 20:38

have a homebirth!

constancereader · 03/07/2008 20:39

Friends with children? Or what about leaving your ds with your MIL as a trial run to put your mind at rest? You could also arrange for your parents to travel down when you go into labour to share the childcare with your MIL.

I can sympathise, I have just found out that my much wanted vbac is not going to be possible after all. I mainly wanted one so I didn't have to leave my ds for three whole nights.

TheProvincialLady · 03/07/2008 20:39

Could MIL have your DS until your parents arrive?

lulumama · 03/07/2008 20:39

home birth ! or give birth at ormskirk and drop him at auntie lulu's on the way!

or get to know the nice girls at nursery and ask one or two to be on call for the birth.

or find a neighbour/ friend who he knows and trusts

can he have a practice run at a sleep over with MIL? or at least the day with her.. to see how he and she copes.

start asking around now, most people would jump at the chance to help out for a labour /birth scenario.

in all honesty, your parents could be called when you go into labour, and be there within a couple of hours, and take over from MIL or a friend coulnd;t they?

you are unlikely to give birth in 2 hours or less ( famous last words!!)

moopymoo · 03/07/2008 20:42

could your parents come and stay at yours for the night? Maybe have a friend on call to sit with ds until they arrive while you have to go into hospital if it is a rush. Whatever happens, even if he does get upset, he will be fine and not hold it against you. He will quickly be too interested in his new brother/sister! (Though my ds1 did keep saying I like the new baby mummy but when is he going back to the hospital..but thats a whole other thread!) Your labour is a time to focus on you and your new arrival as exclusively as possible.

LovelyDear · 03/07/2008 20:43

I felt like this. I was really nervous asking neighbours (ones with children who i trusted, but felt shy to ask) to be on call but they jumped at the chance, and we became much closer because of it. In the end, they'll probably only need to help for a few hours until your parents arrive. It really will work out fine, but just bare your soul to someone you trust and i bet they'll pitch in!

Original poster

ceebee74 · 03/07/2008 20:44

Thanks for the swift replies.

Homebirth - not really an option as this will be a VBAC and neither me or DH are comfortable with doing that at home.

I think that I will ask my parents to come down aswell to share the childcare but I can't really expect MIL just to do it until they arrive - even I can see that is a bit unfair to her!

My sister lives local to me but she works full-time and has 3 children of her own so she is not going to be able to drop everything to come and do it either.

DH wouldn't accept friends doing it when he can't see a problem with his mum doing it - I know he is right but I just have never felt comfortable leaving DS with her.

Constance - I am a bit torn - in some ways, an elective c-section would be planned and we could arrange for my parents to be here but 3 nights away from my DS?? However, the consultant has left me with little option to try for a VBAC so a VBAC it is.

OP posts:

CantSleepWontSleep · 03/07/2008 20:45

Hmmm, I haven't even thought about this problem for myself yet, and I'm into 3rd trimester!

Even mil is 40 mins away. And dd is still breastfed so won't like me not being there (although has coped occasionally if I've been out).

Homebirth not an option for me unfortunately (gestational diabetes), but could it be for you cb?

Constance's suggestion of a trial run with MIL sounds like your other possible option.

constancereader · 03/07/2008 20:48

I know, the three nights thing is really getting to me .

I don't think it is at all unfair to your mil for your parents to take over childcare at some point during the day. Do you worry she will be offended? Is she likely to be?

BetsyBoop · 03/07/2008 20:49

why not have MIL doing "fisrt shift" & your parents doing "second shift" ?

That means your parents have time to get over & you can sell it to MIL that it will give her chance to go home & have a wash & brush up (and a rest!) before she comes to visit you all in hospital.

I'd never spent a night away from DD until DS was born (DD was almost 23months then) - and ended up with a c/s, so was away from her for 3 nights, almost 4 days. BUT she was ok, we wrote out her routine in detail so that MIL could follow it to the letter for c/s day, had her favourite food for mealtimes & made sure DH was there for bed time - I definitely think that helped as everything was "normal" apart from Mum not being there - it would have really thrown her to have a different routine too. We also had a great book which was read endlessly in the run up to DS's arrive about a new baby arriving, and one bit was granny & grandad coming to look after the boy in the book while his Mum & Dad went off to the hospital to have the baby. I definitely think that helped too.

Even if he does get a bit upset, it's only one night (hopefully), it will soon be forgotten.

Elmosgirl · 03/07/2008 20:49

I had similar issues....I was induced in the end because baby stopped moving and needed out so had a few hours to organise ourselves.

But plan would have been to call my mum (2 hour drive) once labour got going. If things happened to move quicker than expected then I would go to hospital alone (or with a friend) and get settled there, DP would then follow on once mum had arrived and DD1 was settled with her.

Would that be an option for you, a 90 minute drive isn't too far really, especially if they know they are on stand by and have a bag already packed in the car.

lulumama · 03/07/2008 20:51

sweetheart, an elective has repercussions too, not least you will be away from your DS for several days and you have thte issue of post c.s pain/ no driving etc with newborn and toddler

best thing is for DS to spend lots of time with MIL. if not coping, then DH knows that it is not an option NOW , rather than in labour.

is your MIL quite able and agile?

BetsyBoop · 03/07/2008 20:52

bloomin' 'eck I must be a slow typist, there were no replies when I started typing

Original poster

ceebee74 · 03/07/2008 20:55

Lulumama - how I wish I lived nearer Ormskirk - that would be the ideal solution

I suppose it is the fact that neither me or DH could be around to do DS's bedtime routine (it has ALWAYS been one of us) depending on what time I go into labour - I know it isn't the end of the world for him but I trust my parents to deal with any upset better than MIL (if that makes sense).

I know 90-minutes isn't that far and, iirc, I was at home for about 5 hours when I went into labour with DS so I guess I am panicking about nothing. Also, if I go into labour during the week, I would still want DS to go to nursery so that everything seems normal to him so whoever was doing the childcare would get the 'day off' so to speak.

Betsy - that is why an elective c-s would be good as we could have it all planned etc.

OP posts:

constancereader · 03/07/2008 20:57

(just wanted to make quite clear that I wasn't suggesting an elective cs as a solution!!! Seems a little drastic....)

traceybath · 03/07/2008 20:57

I had this and in the end had an emergency c-section on boxing day. My DH looked after my eldest whilst waiting for in-laws to arrive.

In the mean time i went down to theatre and had baby. It was fine and i was happier knowing my 3 year old was with daddy. Was no way i'd have dropped him at friends on boxing day when they were all in the midst of big family celebrations.

C-section probably a bit different though.

Original poster

ceebee74 · 03/07/2008 20:58

Lulu - I know the disadvantages of an elective c-section and tbh, I have come round to the idea of a VBAC - it is just my thinking is a bit clouded at the moment

Do you know the most stupid thing about this - DS sees MIL every weekend for a few hours (with DH there) whereas he sees my parents once a month, if that - so obviously he is more comfortable with MIL!! See, my thinking is completely twisted about this at the moment!

OP posts:

constancereader · 03/07/2008 20:59

Sorry x post there.

Try out someone else doing bedtime between now and then.

I was very surprised by how well my ds coped the first time we left someone else to put him to bed. If you do some practise runs it might well put your mind at rest a little!

MuffinMclay · 03/07/2008 21:00

I lost so much sleep over this very issue when pg with ds2.

Why not leave ds with MIL for lots of short sessions in the next 20 weeks or so, so that he gets used to it. Perhaps throw in a few overnight stays nearer d-day.

CSWS - I'm more than happy to look after your dd as and when you need it. (Welcome back from your holiday, btw. Surprised not to see you this morning. M&TG full of new people and new babies)

pistachio · 03/07/2008 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lulumama · 03/07/2008 21:09

you have bags of time to sort things and to see DS settled wth MIL etc

perhaps you could take him over one night and put him to bed togetehr at mILS?

get him used to it

toddlers are very resilient and you will be surprised how well he could adjust. this is one or two nights out of his life, it honestly is not an issue

BetsyBoop · 03/07/2008 21:20

el c/s might make planning for the birth easier, but it's no fun looking after a bouncy toddler after - and that lasts a lot longer than one day. (I'd been desperately hoping for a VBAC, but that plan went north at 40+10, long story...)

Also a c/s is still no guarantee that DH will be home for bedtime.
I was 3rd on list, so DS wasn't born until 13:17 (despite having to be a hospital for 7am...) woman after me wasn't until after 5pm as there were some em c/s's in between - they almost bounced her until the Monday! (it was Friday) Anyway I digress, DH's plan was to leave to get back in time for tea time (5pm) but I started with a PPH at about 4pm - I sent him home for DD's bedtime, even though he wanted to stay, as I knew she needed him more than me - but in an ideal world I would have liked someone with me as it got pretty serious & I was a whisker away from being whipped back into theatre under a GA (I'd lost 2.4L of blood) Eventually resolved at about 19:45, just as DH had got DD to sleep & was about to come back... So what this is a long winded way of saying is that even with an el c/s things can still go "off plan"!

lulumama · 03/07/2008 21:20

good point betsey

BetsyBoop · 03/07/2008 21:22

Hi Lulu, long time no "see"!

lulumama · 03/07/2008 21:27

i know, hope you and the DCs are well xxxxx

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