How to accept traumatic birth

[LivingForTheWinter]

I have two children, they are now 5 and 7.

Through some therapy I've been having for other reasons I've realized how traumatic I found labour (particularly my second).

I meet so many people who had traumatic births and then went on to have a better one and have said how healing they found it.
I so want a third but it won't happen and I wonder in part if why I want one is to help heal that trauma (I'm not saying that's a good thing!)

I know I need to get over it, our children are happy and healthy etc. but it still genuinely hurts when I see positive birth stories, it feels like a grief. I am so sad I'll never have that birth experience.

I would be a bit dubious. To be honest I think your therapist has had to do some deep diving to drag up an issue to explore.

Of all the things there are to worry about you want to go back 5 years to worry about something which is over and you can't change.
I'm worried that you are looking for reasons to worry.
Look forward, and enjoy what you have. If you feel you have been cheated somehow, I'm sure there are thousands of women who have horror stories. Find something positive to focus on.

You do not need to "get over it". You need birth trauma specific therapy to help you deal with it... That's what I did after my first. Can't recommend highly enough

Thank you. Did you go on to have another baby?

No it's always been there, it's just brought it to the fore. I properly sobbed when it came up.

I did, yes. And it was a much better experience. I advocated for myself more and made sure my birth plan was enforced... Not just something they take from you and then do whatever the hell they want. I know things can happen that need intervention quickly etc but there are ways of dealing with the aftercare that the NHS rarely gives enough time

I had another. It was terrifying but turned out to be a good, elective c section result.

It was healing but only a bit. The original trauma will always be there. Therapy has helped but I’ve also had to accept it will always stay with me.

I had a traumatic birth and stopped at one child. Wasn't going to go though that again. Still can't watch Call the midwife or One Born every minute.

I’d try and see a specialist in traumatic births. But i really don’t think having another baby just to have a “positive” birth js a good idea; zero guarantee of that.

No, I know. I would love another for lots of reasons anyway but DH is set against and it's not fair to put pressure on him.

I have a traumatic birth, which led to so many other issues.

Honestly I know therapy is an option, and it can really help, but what helped me was having a birth de-brief with the lead midwives at the hospital, I'm sure they thought what the hell, but this very lovely midwife arranged it for me ( not sure if it's the done thing or not) and time, time to heal, time to not be so hard on myself, time to also accept it did happen, and it's my story.

No matter how hard you try you could not change the experience. I've heard so many other stories, which are heartbreakingly worse!

Be kind to yourself.

The Birth Trauma Association has a list of therapists who specifically deal with traumatic birth experiences. I found someone there after experiencing obstetric violence. It's helping.

I don't think you should get over but more learn to love with it. I still have a lot of guilt surrounding not being able to breast feed my children ( now 8 and 6) and find others finding it easy really difficult as it's something I really wanted. I think it's good to acknowledge the things we find traumatic but also work out how we live with them without dominating our lives

Are you struggling physically with actual injury from the births? And never recovered?

I think the whole ‘positive birth’ concept is a swizz tbh. This will sound heartless but honestly do you regret things like having a crappy holiday or another experience?
I think that’s your issue rather than the actual birth part - unless you were medically failed eg a doctor did something negligent or you never had the correct care to recover.

I think ‘positive birth’ concept is a bit of a fad.
You have had two births where everyone survived; that in itself is a positive. Birth is complex and messy and I think it’s a mistake to feel one way is correct and another way means a failure of some sort.

I've never really got over it and ds is nearly 13.He is an only because no way was I going through that again

I didn't find this helpful. It's not a bad holiday, it's an extremely significant life event.
It matters when the mother is left with physical or psychological injury. Just being alive is a really low bar.

Having a more positive birth might not change the way you feel anyway. My first birth was very traumatic. My second birth went exactly the way that I planned and on paper wasn’t traumatic at all. I still hated every minute of it until my daughter was born. Even though I loved both my pregnancies I think I just really hate giving birth.

I’m sorry I hope I didn’t upset you by my post.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that if you keep your definition of a ‘positive birth’ quite small; it means there is huge room for something to be a ‘failed experience’ or a ‘failure’. I prefer not to have those kinds of defining perspectives because it means that you see things in a binary way. Birth is such a complex experience and I don’t think it’s helpful to label it positive or negative.

obviously if there is medical negligence that is something different!

@NibliaBiblia my post above was a reply to you apologies it wouldn’t let me quote you! Xo

I had a traumatic birth, went for birth reflections counselling at the hospital after 2 years. It helped me massively accept how i felt, and felt listened to and helped me move on. I had felt like you said that having another child would fix how i felt by replacing the experience with a positive one. But due to various health issues it was better for us as a family to stick with the 2 we had. Once i had the counselling i felt so much better. 💐

No I get that. It can help to give your experience a positive narrative to replace the negative one.
I don't think you meant it this way but to me when I hear things like "the important thing is you're healthy" it comes across as minimising what happened.

For example I had somebody say to me after I'd said it was a mistake to go to the hospital "well, you had the birth you had to have". A while ago I was groped by a homeless guy while walking to work at 5am - nobody ever thought it was a good idea to tell me that I had the walk to work I was meant to have!

I know there are women who would likely have had a traumatic experience even with the best possible care but so often it's things like having interventions carried out without consent or without being properly informed, being talked down to, left alone, concerns ignored, just being treated like an object to do things to instead of a human being with the right to make choices about her body (even if you would have chosen exactly what the doctors/midwives did).
Most of the time it's not inevitable or natural, it's a result of being failed.

But the example you give is not at all comparable - what happened to you on your walk to work was assault and entirely caused by someone’s deliberate behaviour; for which they should be held to to account. A birth which doesn’t happen how you would like - unless due to medical negligence- is not the same sort of scenario. It is not somebody’s fault and the idea that there is one ‘ideal’ way which is ‘positive’ is toxic. Births play out in all kinds of ways; it’s not minimizing an injury or medical negligence- if those things occur then there should be consequences.

Hi OP, please seek therapy for how you're feeling- regardless of whether you want to have more babies or not. If you're in England you can self refer to your local Maternal Mental Health Service for free therapy. You don't have to live with this.

When the birth trauma happens because you're ignored, concerns dismissed, things are done to you without your consent, without you being given adequate information or the opportunity to make the decision, that is due to someone's deliberate choice. I think this is more often than not a big part of the cause.
But equally if someone is in a car crash or loses a leg or something, even if no one is at fault, we accept that they may very well be distressed by that. We don't tell them that they should be okay with it because accidents just happen sometimes.

Births play out in all kinds of ways but I think the traumatic part is often that you're not being listened to or not being treated with respect.
For me the traumatic thing was being assaulted. I had a shoulder dystocia and PPH later but neither one was distressing because I knew what was happening and understood what was being done to fix it.
One of my friends had an induction. They put the drip on and left her and her partner alone. The contractions got way too intense, she dilated really fast, her baby went into distress, her partner couldn't find anyone to help. The traumatic thing was not understanding what was happening and not being able to find anyone.
Another friend had a EMCS but the traumatic thing was that for hours she was telling them she needed a cesarean and they kept telling her she didn't need one, not listening to her at all.

God almighty,have you never heard of birth trauma? Just get over it?!

OP, I had specific counselling for birth trauma 10 years post birth,it was so helpful and wish I'd done it sooner .