whats the funniest/worst thing you have said/done whilst in labour

[memoo]

Apparently I shouted at the midwife "get your f**king fingers out of me"

he he... When babies head was crowning, Midwife suggested that baby had auburn hair.. I shouted back at her.. 'My baby's not f**g Ginger!!!!'
(It's not like I would have really minded f he was either!)

I bit my dh in the stomach as the epidural was being done.... epidural did take nearly hour and half to do so I was in agony. He never said until after the birth, when he showed me the teeth marks !

I told the doctor just before I went into theatre for a forcep delivery that he had no f**king idea what he was talking about, and then told the needle man he was an idiot. Was very apologetic afterwards!

A MW put a sheet over my legs, I threw it on the floor and growled through my teeth "I'm too HOT!"

I went to that primal place that you hear about, I couldn't function or talk properly. I tried to put the entonox mouth piece back in and my hand was shaking so much I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to explain the problem I was having so I said "holes aren't supposed to move when you're trying to put things in them"???

I asked Mum when it was all going to be over and she said "How often is it coming?" (or something like that) and I shouted at her "I don't know, don't ask stupid questions!" (I was 20 weeks and no one had told me I was in labour, so I thought that they were going to stop it all and everything would be ok, I couldn't understand why Mum was asking me questions about how often I was having contractions because I couldn't be)

(as sad as it was having a baby at 20 weeks, I can still laugh at myself)

Just after diamorphine had kicked in, 'DH, I'm off my nut,ha ha.'
MW said, 'just you enjoy it dear'

usual i cant do this, im going home

had a hb 9 weeks ago and told dh it was his turn now i was going to sleep

waters exploded over midwife's face as she was having a..ahem...look - all over her glasses, like a gunshot

When I was going up onto the bed to push ds3 out I asked if I should take my knickers off - to which the midwife replied "yes unless you want baby to bungee".

I soiled myself and ruined the cheapo tracksuit bottoms I was wearing, so the long-suffering midwife chucked them in the bin.
A long time later DH revealed that the trousers were actually his favourite, and expensive, running kit .

while being rushed to the delivery suite in a wheelchair the only coherent thought i had was that it would really hurt if i hit my head on the wall as they were going round the corner..... DH says the mw nearly died laughing cos i muttered it out loud. DD was born 5mins later.....

I soiled myself when my ds1 was born. DW was not pleased and I was asked to leave the labour ward.

The midwife said to me "your waters have just broke and they are green which means the baby could be distressed"

Dh starts to panic asking lots of questions......

I manage 1 question "what shade of green?"

Everyone just looked at me gone out

Ran down the tube platform in labour, looking for my darling DP who wasn't answering his mobile, holding my bump, dressed only in a velvet dressing gown slashed to the thigh and white flip flops, no knickers, waters slowly breaking down my legs and then making the guard make an announcement for my DP who I still couldn't find, while I stood there, waters still breaking.

When pushing with DD2 something else emerged much to DHs horror. The midwives didnt say a thing but the smell!!! He has been sworn never to tell our friends!

shavendave

"I don't even KNOW this baby!"

muttered "you may feel a small prick" whilst being given internal anaesthetic injection, just before the business with the forceps....

gallows humour eh

very spiritual candlelit room, soft music playing, 4am and me roaring very, very loudly..... dh had a momentary lapse of sanity and said "ssshh"

THese are cracking me up.
when i was in labour with ds, I gripped the dr's arm so tight that I bruised her. That and also when she asked me to push I looked at her and said ' I am FUCKING pushing'. I did apologise straight after having ds to her for my appaling language and bless her she actually kissed me and said it was fine.

The other was as soon as ds was born the midwife did the usual 'and here is your beautiful ds' to which I looked at dh and he looked at me and I said 'well he looks like a potato' laughing. The MW looked appalled at our reaction.
DS is still called spudney now

punched the mw in the face - by accident

I will always remembrer Thomcat for that lol

I suppose totally refusing to acknowledge and call the mw to my hb, believing that the ctx i was getting leaving me on the flor were bh's lol (4th birth, d'ya think i should have known? 1 mw made it, other not)

If dh were writing he'd say when the entonox canister exploded freezing his hand and him running up and down our road at midnight trying to fix it

oh...

biting dh with ds32 for 'his own benefit' as i was suddenly convinced he needed something to tell them at work (poor chap)

when that labour stalled, making dh take me to the garden centre to but a kit to grow a venus fly trap- why?

i had a lot of fluid and it kept pouring out with every contraction and soaking the bed. I said to the midwife 'sorry, I'm like the incontinent old woman in 'Little Britain''

to the charming mw who had told me 3 hours previously that "no, i have no children. cant think of anything worse. oh the pain" who then came strolling in, looked at the trace and said "those contractions are sharpening up nicely lissie, remember, its called labour for a reason"

"will you just FUCK OFF you patronising dried up old witch"