Second C-Section recovery with little help and 7 Year Old

[Unorganisedchaos2]

Apologies Im sure this has been done to death but Im just back from my second appointment with the consultant (CLC due to BMI & age (41))

For context with DD7 I had planned a home birth but needed an unplanned SC due to meconium in my waters, I was really disappointed but I actually had a very positive experience and was home 2 days later and recovery was also pretty good.

Im currently 26 weeks and all is fine with baby but Im exhausted and in a lot pain with my hips, I was really hoping to enjoy the pregnancy as it will definitely be the last but Im just wishing the weeks away to be honest...

Consultant is happy to do another section and the midwifes I've spoken to have suggested that as I already have DD there would be advantages to scheduling a c-section, everything would be calmer, I could arrange care for DD etc. I also know I definitely want to avoid an induction at all costs (which everyone is supportive of too)

Im at the point where I've made my peace with not having a "natural" birth but Im really worried about the recovery.

DH (who thinks a section is the best option) will get 2 weeks paternity, his work are also very flexible about how he can take it, so he can take two separate weeks for example) but while he was happy to hold the baby last time, he's generally useless around the house and I was expected to cook dinner the night I got home, and resume all cleaning tidying etc.

I have a lovely MiL who could watch DD sometimes but she is now caring for FiL who has Parkinson's and my own Mum would happily come round but expect me to make her coffee and only do anything remotely useful if someone else was watching; for example she once brought round some pain au chocolate asked me to make her a coffee and heat them up, she then ate them both in front of me after I'd told her Id been up all night with the baby 🙄
Basically I have a few people around me who would do a lot of performative "help" but I wont actually get much real help.

How have other people in the same position found a second section with a slightly older DD, is there anything you wished you had done to prepare (I do have the funds for a cleaner & I've found a brilliant lady that does ironing for example and Im happy to live off ready meals for a while if need be)

Would having a planned section be best or would it be worth trying a natural birth so recovery is easier?

I have a 2.5 year age gap, but DH took the first couple weeks and he took full care of DS1, whilst I made up a bed in the living room and brought the next to me there, so that he took care of our toddler and meals, and I could just focus on me and baby.

We already had a cleaner so asked her to come longer so that she could help with tidying up as well as doing the cleaning.

We had also bought several Cook meals for the freezer that were used for several dinners.

If your DD is 7, then I guess she’s at school, which at least helps.

Btw mine was a planned section, and I was keen to get back home asap so did everything I needed to do to get discharged. Went home 24 hours after DS2 was born.

I didn't find either of my CS recoveries that difficult but honestly I think you're worrying about the wrong things here!

"but while he was happy to hold the baby last time, he's generally useless around the house and I was expected to cook dinner the night I got home, and resume all cleaning tidying etc."

Seriously? This is not good enough. There is no reason for him to be 'useless' at this. I'm not a LTB type generally and I know it's pointless when people on here constantly ask posters why they're having another baby with someone so patently unsuitable but come on... As those thoughts don't appear to be in your mind, you've got time so train him up! You have potentially 14 weeks to get this chimp fit for purpose. Tell him what you will need, teach him how to do it. Regardless of what he might tell you, he does not suffer from some strange gene mutation which means he cannot cook or clean. Teach him some recipes, show him how you want it done. There's really no excuse.

My God OP, you're bar for your husband is low.

So because your husband is so useless )and let's not beat around the bush here, it's not that he can't do it, it's that he won't because he thinks he doesn't have to as he's a man), you mention possible help from:

Your mum
Your mother in law
A cleaner (who I bet is female)
An ironing lady.

You know there's no excuse for your husband's attitude, don't you? Good recovery or not, to expect him to cook for you and clean and tidy the night you get home from surgery is abominable. If he 'can't cook', he's got a few months to learn, same for the rest of the household stuff.

Thank you, this is really help advise. Can I ask what you did to ensure you were ready to be discharged, it seems like I long time since last time...Im guessing, feeding established, shower, eat, wee?

@FullLondonEye "You have potentially 14 weeks to get this chimp fit for purpose"

Youve made my day, I actually laughed out loud 😆

Bloody hell. You need to tell your husband that you’re having a big operation and you will have a baby to care for and he needs to do lt all. He will get 2 weeks paternity and take extra off so he can do everything for your 7 year old, all the cooking and the housework in this time.

Why are you looking for other (females) to do this for you when you have a grown adult who lives in the house.

If he thinks that little of you that he’d happily let you cook a meal after you’ve had a c section then I would be reconsidering my marriage.

You list loads of options for help in your post. All of them can partially compensate for useless absent father.
You will cope because you have to, it’s a shame he won’t step up though. I suspect that will continue to erode your love for him, maybe you’ll accept it now but the future is not rosy.

For what it’s worth, I had a 2 year gap, 2 CS and no help at all. We all slept in the same bed. It was hard but we were ok.

Sorry I should have addressed the whole useless DH but I was conscious Id rambled on already....

We have had lots of discussions about is behavior last time and of course he has promised to be better but Im not stupid either and trying to prepare. Justifying having another baby with him is a whole other thread, I'm honestly not avoiding the subject, I was just hoping for practical advise regarding choosing a section and anything I can do I can start to plan and prepare.

Get the father of these children to sort himself out. You’re about to have major abdominal surgery. He needs to get a grip and do the bare basics to look after his family. Useless idiot.

Then realistically you can do as you've mentioned - ask others to step in to plug the gap. However that doesn't change the fact that the best and most convenient way to deal with it is by him NOT being useless. There's really no other way around it. You don't know how the CS will go. You may feel great, you may really struggle so it makes sense to prepare for a worst case scenario. Get the cleaner doing more, stock up on freezer meals etc. None of that is as helpful as having someone else step in when necessary - particularly someone who doesn't have to be coached at how to do it. If he has anything decent about him whatsoever he should be able to work this out for himself and won't watch you struggle.

You say he's promised 'to be better', has he stepped up in doing at least helps off the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry etc now?

Because if the best case scenario is that he will only step up because you've had surgery, then he still doesn't really get that he doesn't like in the 1950's any more, and he needs to pull his weight.

Seriously, if my husband was this useless and gave vague assurances of 'being better' whilst not doing anything about it, the marriage would not be lasting.

I think it’s pretty unfair to expect your mum or mil to come round to do cooking and housework because your husband is a lazy arse.

I know a grandmother who does so much for her daughter and grandkids because the dad is lazy and doesn’t do anything and she has missed out on so much of her own life because of it.

Shocking that he’d be happy to let his mum or mum in law do the stuff he can’t be arsed to do.

The only practical advise I can give is to start batch cooking so that your dh only has to reheat food while you recover. Make peace with the fact that the house will be a mess and just try and muddle through.

Im not expecting my MiL or my Mum to cook or clean, and I have already said how I plan to make sure that's covered. I think it would have been nice for my mum to make me a cup of tea at some point in the first year though....

Sorry I misread. Threads about lazy men make
me angry so I got carried away.

Is he doing the cooking and the bulk of the care for your daughter when he’s not at work now as you’re getting more pregnant?

Its fine, if I had more energy I'd be mad too. I know he needs to be doing more but Im shattered and don't have the energy to battle with it at the moment.

He's doing a bit more but the bar was very low to start with, we both full full time but I WFH so Im the default for most things.

He's doing a bit more but the bar was very low to start with, we both full full time but I WFH am female so Im the default for most things

Fixed it for you 😢
Lots of us WFH, it doesn't mean you should do more domestically.
It doesn't have to be like this.

Get your husband trained and well practiced now to make 3 different dinners and clean kitchen and loos.

Yep. Pain under control with meds, being able to walk around (albeit very slowly!), peeing a certain amount, showered, no issues with baby and feeding established.

Moving into the living room meant I only had to go upstairs once a day, to shower, rather than navigate the stairs morning and night. It also meant I could have the TV on all night if I needed something to distract me overnight, and I was away from DS1, who was still
waking overnight and wanting me.

We lived off Cook meals, takeaways, and my mum bringing several meals for us. DH can and does cook, but when juggling a newborn and toddler, it was easier to not think about cooking meals.

Just leave everything else to your husband. Even if he is useless, I’m sure he can manage frozen food that you throw in the oven. And as your DD will be at school, he will have time during the day to help you in other ways too. I would say him taking the first two weeks off after baby is born is helpful when you have a c section and other children at home. I was off pain meds within a week and after that, it was just about taking it slow.

My husband was self employed when I had my sections do could only take a couple of days. I had 15 months between my first two and actually had 4 sections in just under 6 years so i am a bit of an expert!
Batch cook some meals so you can have some easy dinners.
insist on a takeaway the first night, you’ll both deserve it!
He can do the washing, I’m sure he can work a washing machine.
Have your shopping delivered.
Have a “treat bag” for your older dd, if she does something to help she can have something from it (lip balm, bath bombs, mini choc bar, mini craft kits, stationery etc). She can help dad and hoover, tidy up etc.
Check car insurance, mine let me drive 10 days post section with a letter from my GP saying I was able.
Consider something like Hello Fresh? I’m sure your husband could follow a recipe and your daughter could help.

Request a carer via NHS it's free if they agree.

I had exactly the same, a 7 year gap at the beginning of last year. I had also planned a natural birth for my first and ended up with an EMCS - recovery was good so I opted for a C-section the second time. The great thing is that you know what to expect this time.

We did lots of batch cooking and bought a lot of Cook meals. I organised all the baby stuff in advance so everything was easily accessible on both floors.

I found that if I stayed on top of my pain medication then I actually felt like I was capable of more than I really was, like
moving furniture around! I tried not to! But I made sure I kept moving myself, pottering and finding an excuse to tidy little bits to help with recovery. Otherwise I did enjoy sitting and cuddling baby.

My then 7yo was surprisingly helpful, happy to fetch baby blankets etc. I tried to teach them a few things before the birth like fixing their own snack so they could be a little more independent.

I think you’re overthinking it. I had a section for both of mine and there’s 7 1/2 yrs between them. We were living in a building site, so only a temporary kitchen, no living room or sofa. You just crack on. After two weeks dh went back to work and I had to get on with it, don’t get me wrong, I would have loved help, but we don’t have family close by and couldn’t afford a cleaner or other help. If anyone offers to pick up older dc for the school run on their way past, say yes. I had that occasionally for the first couple of weeks and it was nice! Your dh needs to cook, or you get takeaway.

mine are 9 1/2 and 2 now and they’re so brilliant together - love playing and the older one helps entertain her etc.

It’s lovely that they are still playing together. I love that my older one still adores and appreciates their little sibling. I worry it won’t always be that way, especially when they are are teenager.

I really do not subscribe to the idea that recovery is easier with a vaginal birth. Some of course, but a bad tear and the recovery can be a lot longer than six weeks.

Plus you are completely knackered from labouring which could mean no sleep for days before the birth.

7 year old is old enough to understand and help, and the house work etc will keep bare the minimum.

I found my second section better than my first. Good luck