Feeling like a failure after birth.

[Overthinkeralways]

Hi all,

I gave birth last Sunday and have felt like I’ve failed at giving birth ever since. I had to
be induced and the process took 24 hours. Then I went had an oxytocin drip. Eventually my contractions became too much and I was in so much pain I was begging for the epidural. The epidural was amazing, but then I began to feel really sick and spiked a temperature. The baby’s heart rate was
dropping at points too.

I eventually gave birth to the most beautiful baby. They had to take him away because I had a temperature. I had to be stitched four times. Initially the thought only three but the last tear needed to be done.

I now feel so useless that my body wasn’t able to cope. I’m also in a lot of pain from the stitches and feel like I’m never going to be normal down there again. I’m worried I’ll never be able to be intimate with my husband again. He is trying to do everything for the baby because I’m in too much pain. I want to bring him for a walk but it takes me ages to walk anywhere. Breastfeeding is also hard and I’m giving formula which wasn’t my intention and I feel my baby will never go to breast now.

If anyone had similar experiences and could tell me when they were feeling better or what they did to feel better I’d be so grateful. I don’t have many friends that have had babies yet, but those that did seem to have had much more positive experiences and so I feel like I failed somehow.

Oh gosh, you poor thing. Look what your body has done - you've grown and produced a gorgeous baby! I think an awful lot of births don't go to plan. I'm sorry you're in pain. It's no surprise they you feel awful.
I had twins, born ten weeks early. They had to be put on formula because my milk wasn't in, and they were in the neonatal unit and being fed through a tube. I pumped every four hours round the clock 24 until they were ready to breastfeed. I think it was after about four weeks I was eventually able to breastfeed them - the littler one until she was a year old, but the bigger one had to be supplemented with formula because I couldn't keep up with the demand, after my delayed start.

Anyway, I would say listen to your health worker and ask lots of questions. It will be possible to get back on track. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time xx

I would say give yourself some time to heal and rest op, as you’re not thinking logically at all, which is understandable with all the hormones and what you’ve been through.

I had a failed induction at 42 weeks, EMCS because my son’s heart rate couldn’t be detected and he wasn’t doing so great from my deteriorating placenta. I then couldn’t breastfeed as my son never latched and i couldn’t produce enough milk.

For DC2 i had a planned c section as she was transverse. Didn’t even try to breastfeed.

You wouldn’t call me a failure would you? So don’t think that about yourself. Don’t give yourself such a hard time.

@Overthinkeralwaysplease be kind to yourself! You’ve just gone through a really tough birthing experience but you gave birth! We are so conditioned in to thinking that we should just sit on a bed, push a couple of times and plop comes the baby. I get so angry sometimes at how romanticised the idea of giving birth is on TV, media, books, even the leaflets NHS provides. The truth is some births need more intervention than others and that’s natural and normal, some women get sick after and don’t have the “magical glitter fireworks cutesy skin to skin bonding moment”, women are so exhausted after giving birth they don’t get to have that sudden ‘euphoria’ moment where they look at the baby lovingly and all else is forgotten.

Your stitches will heal, you will be intimate with your DH but it’ll take time - everything down there needs time to recover. You will feel better, your body will recover and you’ll enjoy your baby once you are stronger. Take your time and don’t feel pressure to get up and start doing things for baby. I’m glad DH is there to help - let him.

Congratulations on your new baby!
First of all, you are absolutely not a failure. Labour and birth is unpredictable and can take a long time especially with a first baby.

Try and go easy on yourself. Your body has just been through a massive ordeal and it will take time to feel like yourself again. I was similar after my first, but with labial tears rather than perineal and it was excruciating for a week or so. Don't be afraid to contact your GP for some stronger pain relief such as dihydrocodeine if you feel its needed- that's what I did. Make sure you are taking paracetamol and ibuprofen regularly to keep the pain at bay.

Don't beat yourself up about the formula, a fed baby is best. Your baby is so young that it is possible to get back on track with breastfeeding if it is something you want to do. Rest as much as possible and have him skin to skin by the breast and it will encourage him to latch on. If it is something you're keen to pursue then if finances allow then getting in touch with a lactation consultant would probably be very useful for specific tips for you and your baby.

I also supplemented with formula from day 3 as my first wouldn't latch and I pumped for a month and bottle fed her that before fully switching to formula at 1 month old as my supply was not enough and I had postnatal depression. I felt like a total failure but the reality was that my baby was thriving on formula and she is now 7 and perfectly healthy.

Also don't think about being intimate with your husband for a while. It took 9 months to grow your baby, it will take a while to feel yourself again- not saying it will be 9 months until you are intimate but your baby isn't even a week old yet- I waited 3 months but everyone is different.

Reach out to your health visitor or community midwife depending on who you are now under for support if you need to talk things through with someone. It's really important with all these hormones going on not to bottle things up. Take care.

What would you say to a friend/someone you loved who had just gone through what you have gone through?
I'm 99.9% sure you would not call her a failure.
Congratulations on your baby.
Try to rest as much as you can.
There will be plenty of walks once you have healed x

First of all- you have a healthy, loved baby. You also have a supportive husband. You’re already luckier than many many people!

secondly you’ve just given birth and hormones will be all over the place- you may feel very depressed- please give yourself some grace you have literally just pushed a human from your body, a healthy little boy at that. I had a similar birth to you and honestly I felt the opposite, not a failure but like a bloody superhero!

lastly with the breastfeeding- formula is absolutely fine but if you do want to breastfeed just forget about walking anywhere, taking baby out anywhere just sit in bed, with husband bringing you baby as and when (also crisps, cake and water) and just sit in bed and try and try and try. It’s so hard to breastfeed initially, after the first hard few days both mine got the hang of it xx

God that sounds a lot you must be exhausted i had a similar labour with my youngest I never saw it as failing at anything, this might be your hormones talking but please talk to your HV about how you are feeling, you might be in shock still.

Don't feel bad OP. Half of women used to die in childbirth in years gone by. It was a killer for women.
At least now we have interventions that mean that its unlikely that we will die or suffer lifelong unfixable injuries.
I went through the same with ventouse as well and all I cared about was that my baby was ok and I wasnt dead.
Both my sisters had elective caesarians because they didn't want the hassle of it all.
Very few people pop them out like peas, its a pretty grim process.

I gave birth 9 weeks ago after induction and also had several stitches after a 2nd degree tear. Walking was really difficult and I was so swollen intially. I too thought it would never be normal again! 9 weeks on and I feel I’m just about healed and could potentially consider intimacy. Please take it slow and rest up! I also tried breastfeeding but I couldn’t establish a supply. We are now formula fed and doing so well. I felt guilty at first but formula was better instead of my baby screaming from hunger!

I must have been a dreadful 'failure' in that case! My first baby was over 40 hours labour, his heart rate dropped so I was whisked in for a csection. Second baby was a very last minute csection for the same reason. My notes actually read 'csection due to 'failure to progress'' with ds1.

My sons are healthy young adults now. I am not so sure that I would have been able to write that sentence had I given birth to them 100 years ago.

I also struggled with BF'ing ds1 (and I hated it) so I just stopped and switched to formula and everyone was a lot happier.

Enjoy your baby and I hope you feel much better soon, OP. x

@Overthinkeralways oh I remember feeling like this afternoon both times i gave birth, neither if which were the perfect births you see on tv.

Years later I spoke to a friend about it, because she also felt like a failure for different reasons.

Congratulations on your new baby, you will recover physically sooner than you think and you'll be able to focus on your newborn. Good luck! 💐

This is such a good reply.

well done OP! Your body did what it needed to do under very difficult circumstances to get you and your boy through. Thing about birth stories is, it’s just luck, isn’t it, really? Like all medical/health things.

rest up (ha! I mean, as much as possible) and feel what you need to feel but take strength from all the women who support you on here and your friends and family in real life.

OP, you have done an amazing thing, and both you and your baby have come through it. Your insides will heal with time, and you and DH will be intimate again - just cut yourself some slack, and give yourself time: it’s still very early days! Enjoy your baby, and pat yourself on the back that you have come through the experience together. At the end of the day, if you and the baby are both OK, that’s all that matters. Be kind to yourself - you deserve it.

Hey 👋 sounds very similar to my first birth, i was induced as i had gone 2 weeks overdue, was in agony after having the drip and ended up with epidural, then pushed for 2 hours before babys heart started to dip and take a while to come back up so ended up having episiotomy and forcep delivery, it took about 2 weeks to recover from the stitches, but i had the episiotomy and 3rd degree tear, i also wanted to breastfeed but due to tongue tie i wasn’t able to, i had similar thoughts to you, and felt sad that nothing had gone the way i envisioned but once i had healed and back on my feet those feelings faded, i was a single mum so i didn’t have to worry about sex with OH but i got with my current partner when baby was 2 months old, i was worried about sex but everything went back the same, i do have a scar but otherwise fine, 15 years later and i have gone on to have 4 more kids and all completely different labours and births each time, my second i went into labour spontaneously and i will say having the drip does make the contractions so much more painful, i was able to have my second with only gas and air, completely different experience xx

I gave birth earlier this year. I can really relate. I also had a not straight forward experience of birth and baby started on formula and now breastfeeds. Thankfully I now feel much, much better in my mind and body than I did at first.

So how did I get here? Mostly giving it time, allowing the hormones to settle, accepting help and asking for help (from husband, family, friends, GP, health visitor), knowing that bottle feeding is not the end of the world.

The first two to three months passed in a huge blur, some days things were worse and some days they were better, but overall things improved week by week.

I felt like my body was permanently destroyed but it will heal. Eat good foods, don't push yourself too hard physically, but again, you need time here which you can't speed up obviously!

Congratulations on your baby OP!

I felt sad reading your post because you've done such a lovely, brave thing and yet you're blaming yourself.

This is typical of us women, we tend to think negatively and blame ourselves instead of positively.

Think of the good things OP.
You have a lovely healthy baby.
You have a good hearted DH to care for you and the baby whilst you recuperate.
You will become normal again down there and be intimate again with DH.
You may be ok to go back to breast feeding in the future but if not that's not a failure at all.

I felt weepy after all my 3 births but it passes and you need to rest, give yourself time and lean on DH.

Congratulations you've done a wonderful thing

Oh my goodness, of course you have not failed! You've grown and birthed a beautiful baby. Childbirth is brutal and it's easy for first time mums to expect it (being a natural process) to be more straightforward than it usually is.

With my first baby my waters broke but then my contractions stopped so I had to have an induction, then also an epidural (which was great) and it wasn't what I had anticipated, all hooked up to wires, tubes and stirrups. I tore quite badly too. By the time he was born I had been awake 48 hours and was so destroyed with tiredness I could barely hold him. Then baby kept coughing up mucus and I was terrified he was choking. I was exhausted but so uncomfortable and anxious I couldn't sleep. I had to start supplementing with formula much earlier than I had hoped too.

But guess what, I healed well and baby (who is now 20) is happy and healthy at uni. His rough birth made no discernable difference at any point in his life. They dont start primary school with teachers saying hmm I can tell he was born by CS or she's only ever been bottle fed - they can't!

By the way the next birth was much easier too.

Im glad your husband is actively supporting you, make the most of it. And congratulations on your baby!

Oh OP, I completely understand how you feel. Birth can be so brutal and nothing prepares you for it. Or the aftermath.

There is nothing you could have done differently. Please bear that in mind. You were in the throes of a wild, natural process. Some people have an easier time, for others it’s more complicated. It’s sheer dumb luck.

It sounds like your husband is switched on and supportive, which is lovely. Do you have other family or friends who could pitch in? Take all the time you need to rest and recover and don’t feel under any pressure to do too much.

Breastfeeding is lovely if you can get it established but not the be all and end all. Bottle feeding is great too! And far better than pain and stress. The main thing is that your baby is fed and you get to enjoy them. And that you get some rest in between feeds! If you want to continue to give it a go, then really pay attention to the basic orientations like starting with nose to nipple, having the baby’s mouth wide open for the latch and making sure their ear moves with the suckling. It will be sore at first, shockingly
sore even, but usually only at the start of the latch. The let downs will feel like there’s glass in your breast. But that is normal and will pass!

You have endured and achieved something utterly remarkable. Please be kind to yourself. Just sit and admire the baby. And sleep! Others can do the rest just now.

Would it help if you understood that you are absolutely normal? Very few of us give birth without some help, without some intervention, without some birth injury. Many of us experience all three. You still have birth to a little person - how awesome is that 😃!

Injury to your most intimate parts is distressing. It's totally normal to feel upset by it. Give yourself time. If you do not feel your pain decreasing and your mobility and sensation improving, go back to the midwife or the GP.

Struggling with breastfeeding is also normal. With my first, I switched to formula at 2w, but was so distressed by the switch that I went back to breastfeeding at 6w. I relactated enough to only need to give him 1-2 bottles per day. With my subsequent babies I almost exclusively breastfed, and did not sweat over the occasional bottle of formula. But you know what? With each one I struggled to establish breastfeeding. But each time I knew I had done it before and I knew I could do it again.

The same with giving birth. You did it! The next time will be easier. Believe in yourself. You're good 😊

Thanks everyone. I’m really grateful for all the reassuring words. You have all made me feel so much better.

You might be getting the rush of hormones that causes the baby blues every thing can so bleak and a catastrophe, .it should pass if you are not feeling any brighter in a few days speak to someone about it.

i can totally relate to you. first birth induced, drip & then episiotomy & forceps in theatre..I literally watched them butcher my downstairs in the reflection of the light it was traumatic! took a few months, but I ended up back to normal & healed absolutely fine & so will you! childbirth is a wild ride & you can never predict what will happen so please don’t beat yourself up! I also want to point out that it bloody HURTS like nothing else, so that epidural is definitely necessary OP! you’ve done an amazing job, you’ve grown & birthed a human! Give yourself some credit 😊
I also had another baby a few weeks ago & I was meant to have a home birth, but ended up with an induction & emergency c section..really sad I never got the birth I wanted second time around, but I’m glad my little one is here safe & sound. I also did the same as you & gave my little one formula & then he decided he didn’t want the boob, so I’ve just gone with it!

I could have considered myself as a failure when I had my two now grown up children well over 50 years ago.
My first child went into transverse lie in labour as the head had never engaged so had to be born by a very emergency c section as my waters broke and there was meconium in them.My baby and I almost died in the process, which was under GA.We were kept apart for two days.I struggled to breast feed before giving it up as a bad job.My body was still recovering from the sudden onslaught and baby still very drowsy after having to be resuscitated at birth.
Second one's head got stuck in my pelvic cavity so another EMCS under GA and separation for two days.I did not even attempt to breastfeed.
No way did I feel a failure.Do not think you are and ignore those blissful images of childbirth.

Sorry locainepowderI meant this message for the OP

Glad you're feeling better OP. 😊