Traumatic births - do you ever really ‘forget’?

[endcityspawner]

Little background info - my DD is one and from early pregnancy it was awful. I had HG so vomited for the entire time, sinus tachycardia where my resting heart rate was 140pm (along with many ecgs, echos etc) and was generally really poorly in & out of hospitals.

Her birth was equally awful - forceps delivery with an episiotomy in theatre very much out of it on fentanyl after a failed epidural. After birth I lost nearly a litre of blood and required transfusions, myself and baby both had infections due to premature rupture of membranes. Additionally after the first night baby choked on fluid, turned blue and was whisked to resus. My phone broke so couldn’t ring DH and I was immobile in bed not knowing what was happening. Taken to nicu, screened for sepsis and returned in an incubator for jaundice.

All pretty crap right? I ended up with PPD and still under treatment for it including antipsychotics to stabilise my mood so I’m much much better.

We want another couple of children in the future. I’m 21 and fell pregnant with DD at 19 so this is only the start of our family. We’re certainly in no rush because I don’t want to endure all that again but I know I want more kids one day when DD is older.

So to those of you with similar pregnancies/births - is it true when they say you forget all the pain? Is it just that DD is still little and that’s why I haven’t moved past it yet? Do you ever move past it and overcome the fears of it all repeating again?

No, you don't forget, even many years later. One part is still hard to talk about for me. Lucky for me it was the last baby, so I didn't have to face it in future pregnancies. It will get easier though and be on your mind less.

Oh I’m sorry, I know there are many ladies who experience far far worse I was just reaching out for insight as I’m sick of hearing IRL that I’ll magically forget 😰

No, you don't forget.

A good birth can be very healing for the trauma of the bad ones, in my experience. But you certainly don't forget.

Forget, no, but it will get easier. It took years before I woke up on the birthday of that child and it wasn't my waking thought. We don't forget terrifying and traumatic experiences.

I had e m d r for a traumatic birth which helped a lot. I wasn’t going to have another child anyway but if I was and if the e m d r had not worked I would insist on an elective caesarian. I have a friend who only had one child because of the trauma.

Btw you might forget the pain of child birth - I did. But you don’t forget the trauma. E m d r helped me get over it though.

This is very useful to know thank you - my psychiatrist suggested CBT but I’m going to look into EMDR!

OP if you're in England google your local NHS maternal mental health service. They offer therapy to women who have had birth trauma, including EMDR.

Watching this with interest as I would like another baby but had a very traumatic birth with DC.

I had a similar birth experience similar to you OP.
Did you have a debrief with the maternity team at your hospital?

I found mine quite useful in the moving on process and they advised me I can contact them anytime which is reassuring.

But ultimately I am scared as nobody I know had the experience I did, they were all in and out, I was in hospital for a week, DC was fine thank God.

Thank you - I’m in Wales but this comment is still useful as I’m going to have a google what’s offered here!

You could tsalk to the Birth Trauma Association, OP. I have heard good things about them.

Hugs - you’re definitely not alone and I’m glad this thread makes you feel less alone. It’s hard isn’t it when you hear stories of super fast unmedicated births, home same day etc!

No I don’t believe we did debrief - we were in for quite a few days as myself & DD were poorly but I remember someone coming to do a questionnaire how I found the experience..ermm awful! 😂I have all my birth notes as I requested them back to try and pinpoint when shit hit the fan but still can’t work it out.

My third baby was traumatic from start to finish . HG that had me frequently admitted to hospital . Horrific Seperated pelvis .then he was a shoulder dystocia which became a medical emergency .. followed by him stopping breathing after delivery and ending up in SCBU.. I was terrified when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a 4th but aside from the HG I was induced at 38 weeks and all plans put in place to manage another SD but actually pushed 4 times and dc 4 was born .. A sharp contrast to my previous delivery .. DC3 is 23 now and I still go cold thinking about his delivery ..but dc4 s easier birth as very healing

Thank you so so much for this, I’ve stupidly never heard of them and I know this will likely help others reading this thread 💐

Did you have HG on all of your pregnancies? I’m so worried about it happening again but my mum had it too so I know I likely will! Hoping it won’t be as bad with early intervention and meds!

• Edit to add I’m so glad you got the healing birth to follow the traumatic one. I’m sorry you went through all of that.

The most ironic part about having a HG pregnancy is I’m an emetephobe since childhood and then ended up with a pregnancy where I didn’t stop throwing up 😆 Everyone made jokes it was exposure theory but DD was poorly over Christmas and nope definitely not immune yet 🤣

My traumatic birth happened almost 10 years ago (flashbacks on the operating table to previous trauma, very long painful labour with no pain relief for 99 percent of it, hallucinations, loss of consciousness during my emcs, Nicu stay for dc1 and postpartum psychosis for me) and I wouldn't say you forget exactly but it dulls. I couldn't for example describe my labour pains, I just know they were the most pain I'd ever been in my life. In comparison walking around 24 hours post emergency section with no pain relief whatsoever didn't hurt in the slightest. I remember the fear, the lack of control, of feeling as if we were dying but the actual details slip through my fingers like fog. Dh can remember the theatre alarms, the looks on their faces as my blood pressure crashed and the bruises the anesthetist left as if it was yesterday but they're just gaps in my memories. I would have sworn he was born into silence but dh would tell you he was born to the sound of his mother's voice against a backdrop of alarm bells until I stopped talking mid word as I lost consciousness.

Dc2 was born 3 years and 3 months later. At points I questioned my sanity. I cried on my psychiatrist's shoulder. I ran away from my obstetrician (she chased me). I was sick, anemic and permanently exhausted. I compartmentalised and locked my feelings in so tight I forgot I had them for a while. Her birth whilst very similar on paper to dc1's was the absolute opposite emotionally (both emergency sections) and watching her be born brought me peace in ways I didn't expect.

The Birth Trauma Association are awesome. Realising I wasn't alone helped me considerably and I've had some brilliant advice over the years from their Facebook group.

What swung it for me was my psychiatrist asking what I'd regret more 10 years down the line. Stopping at one when I wanted more, haunted by the possibility of more trauma or having another even if I went through the same again. My reply was instantaneous but other people's mileage will vary.

I did try and stack the deck though and I admit I was willing to leverage my previous trauma to ensure my experience was better. My consultant (she who chases sobbing pregnant women) wrote my birth plan in minute detail and it was followed to the letter. She organised me a private room (we are in Scotland) with a camp bed for dh as well. In fact I found everyone really sympathetic and understanding the 2nd time around.

No you don't forget at all , I chose a c section for my second as a way of control and although it still didn't go perfectly I was in a much better place than I was after my first baby

Ok, contrary to previous posters, I did, so I think you can, but my traumatic birth baby is now 28. After all my children his birth (my first) faded and as an adult now I just view it as one of those experiences my body has been through and my mind is entirely past it. When he was born I broke down daily for months and was having nightmares and anxiety attacks for years. I couldn’t imagine then getting through a day without flashbacks.
Now it’s just part of my tapestry. This too shall pass OP I think and I say that to all women - you can come out the other side

My little one is 4.5 months and I feel a knot in my stomach and get flashbacks driving past the turnoff for the hospital

I’m glad me and DH decided he would be our only one

Forgetting the pain is one thing - we can remember that something hurt badly but can't actually remember the sensation of it. This is the same for everything, childbirth, broken limbs, headaches.

What you went through is something else, I'm so sorry you had that experience. I second the recommendations for a debrief with the midwifery team and I have also heard good things about EMDR for PTSD, I think it could be helpful for your situation.

Wishing you a lot of luck for safe future pregnancies and deliveries.

I don't think you forget as such but for me, it got easier with the passage of time. At 1yr, I was still very much in the depths of PND and emotionally raw with it all but by 18months we were thinking about baby number 2 and she arrived when DD1 was nearly 3. All of the midwives were so kind and conscious of what had happened with my first birth (sepsis, 2 weeks in NICU then she stopped breathing the night we were discharged home, i was about to start doing cpr on her when the fast responder arrived and had to be taken by ambulance back to hospital) that i did find it kind of helped? Obviously ill never forget what happened to DD1 but the rawness has gone away.

Recently I was telling someone about how we trying to decide if we needed DD1 baptised whilst she was in NICU, and I realised I was able to talk about it quite matter of factly without the emotional response that I used to get (now nearly 4yrs on) so hoping it's an upwards trajectory from here.

As pp have said, i also did the proper birth debrief with a midwife at around 6months post partum and found it so helpful. They literally take you through what happened minute by minute and you can ask lots of questions about why it got to that point , what could prevent it in the future etc. I also know women who have opted for ELCS after traumatic births so that they aren't put in that position again.

Hi so sorry to hear you had this traumatic birth. It is for sure very scary..
I had the exact same kind of birth as you. Spontaneous labour at 36wks. Baby back to back. Pushed for over 2hours. Heart rate went through the roof. Prepped for Csection if forceps didn't work.. but they worked and I lost 1100ml of blood & episiotomy, 2nd degree tear (thankfully no transfusion was needed). I still think about it nearly 4 years later. I now have my 8 month old second baby. I was terrified of giving birth. I wanted a csection.. however I had to be induced at 36weeks due to baby not growing. Again I was terrified at this because you hear such horror stories regarding long induction etc. I was very lucky with it though.. very fast induction. 9hrs from balloon being inserted to baby in arms. It was a much more calmer experience than the first time.. I can say honestly that the difficult birth isn't on my mind as much.. it does pop in now and again but then I remember my 2nd birth. I wouldn't let it put you off having more children. As it may heal you eventually 🙂

Well my DD is 14 and I cannot tell you the last time I really thought about her birth, much less had negative feelings about it.

Time, y'know, does its thing.

I had Rewind therapy, rather than EMDR, as it seemed to have the most evidence base for birth ptsd, but people seem to do well with either. It made the world of difference. Now those memories are just normal bad memories, instead of something that I couldn’t stop reliving in my mind. I also had an elective CS for my second so that I didn’t need to worry about the same happening again.