Traumatic births - do you ever really ‘forget’?

[endcityspawner]

Little background info - my DD is one and from early pregnancy it was awful. I had HG so vomited for the entire time, sinus tachycardia where my resting heart rate was 140pm (along with many ecgs, echos etc) and was generally really poorly in & out of hospitals.

Her birth was equally awful - forceps delivery with an episiotomy in theatre very much out of it on fentanyl after a failed epidural. After birth I lost nearly a litre of blood and required transfusions, myself and baby both had infections due to premature rupture of membranes. Additionally after the first night baby choked on fluid, turned blue and was whisked to resus. My phone broke so couldn’t ring DH and I was immobile in bed not knowing what was happening. Taken to nicu, screened for sepsis and returned in an incubator for jaundice.

All pretty crap right? I ended up with PPD and still under treatment for it including antipsychotics to stabilise my mood so I’m much much better.

We want another couple of children in the future. I’m 21 and fell pregnant with DD at 19 so this is only the start of our family. We’re certainly in no rush because I don’t want to endure all that again but I know I want more kids one day when DD is older.

So to those of you with similar pregnancies/births - is it true when they say you forget all the pain? Is it just that DD is still little and that’s why I haven’t moved past it yet? Do you ever move past it and overcome the fears of it all repeating again?

I did a course on trauma which taught that 90% of people recover form traumatic events in about 6 months without counselling. However, there are various factors that contribute to people not recovering, these include not talking about it or having time to process it, feeling helpless during the event and having other stressors in the days afterwards. These factors are of course all quite likely for those who have experienced traumatic birth. If you're still struggling a year on some good professional help is a great idea to help get you into a healthier place mentally. Good luck.

I forgot. Dh hasn't.
Dh was called into hospital and met by the consultant. They didn't tell him why they were calling him back and didn't reassure him. He cried all the way to the hospital and had his heart in his throat when he was met by the consultant and taken aside to a room.
Thankfully, I survived but it was touch and go.
I was asked if I wanted to see the notes and I said no.
I'm just thankful that I had a brilliant team and had plenty of support when I went back home.

My traumatic birth was over 20 years ago. I haven't forgotten it, but it's a lot easier to look back on and talk about these days. As a PP said, it did take years before dd1's birthday didn't bring it all flooding back for me, though.

I waited 4 years to have dd2 and spent the entire pg in tears, panicking about all the same things happening. Was told by a v kind postnatal specialist (when admitted to hospital with d&v at 20 weeks pg) that "second babies can be very healing".

In the event, despite needing to be induced 3.5 weeks early, dd2's birth was totally different in every way. Much more positive memories. Good luck to you when you're ready to have more dc. X

I haven't forgotten it, but I also don't really think about it much anymore that DC is now 11. I am actually really proud of myself for getting through it, and it really made me realise I'm stronger than I thought. I know lots of MNetters will disagree with me on this view, but it really helped me to feel more at peace with it.

You don’t forget, no. But you move through life and it does stay with you but how it sits with you will likely change. You’ll likely find you get to a place where your want for another child will be stronger, and you’ll find that want is so strong your willing to put yourself through the experience again to gain the other child. It’s very important to remember the birth will very likely be different, and your experiences, knowledge and learnt strength will make the journey more livable.

For me it got better, though mine was a traumatic PPH after C section, rather than a vaginal birth. I could talk about it more easily within a year without getting upset. However- I still feel nervous about trying for a second.

I had a very traumatic delivery with baby no. 1 - awful labour pains then I became very unwell with group B strep sepsis and had an emergency section that lasted 5 hours and lost 7 litres of blood. I was awake all the way through and terrified, felt very lucky to survive without a hysterectomy, needed 10 units of blood transfused and some platelets and plasma too. It helped me to understand what had happened and to somehow make sense of it all. 5 years later I felt able to have my second baby and had an elective section for her as I felt I'd be so anxious during delivery it would be hard to have a normal delivery. That element of control really helped and everything went smoothly with her - now I have two gorgeous girls and that first time is just a memory that isn't distressing any more.

When something bad happens we can usually talk about it and want to get if off our chest. When something horrific happens we never forget and often find it impossible to talk about, some never do and let it ruin their life.

I had a baby at 14 and weighed about about 7 stone. My baby was 9.6 pounds, with no pain relief and natural delivery. I can remember every horrible second over 60 years' later. I was put off intimate relations and child birth for ever. Don't let this happen to you. Get all the help you can and so rightly deserve.

Oh honey, straight to the Birth Trauma Association, do not pass go. I've heard really good things about them.

DS birth was a big part of my decision to only have one child, but there is help out there. As to whether you 'forget' - no, but you do heal, with help. I knew I was a bit further down the road when I was able to watch a birth scene in a movie for the first time, for example. I also believe pp's who say the best healer is a 'good' birth but obviously there's a lot of things to happen before you can get to that point...

This is also a very good point - if I had decided I wanted a second child, DH would have needed a lot of support to get to the same decision and I'm not 100% sure if he would have managed to be birth partner again. OP, whatever help you get, do make sure your DP is included in some way.

You don't forget as such, but a bit like grief it stops consuming you and fades into the background over the years until you "go there". I can't watch or listen to anything birth related without feeling a panic attack starting to rise, can't drive past the hospital without shuddering I'd absolutely reccomend getting in touch with The Birth Trauma Assoc and looking into EMDR to process it and deal with it, if you want to have more children.

DD is 20 now and I can still very clearly feel the pain, fear and panic. its not just a memory I can actually still feel it at times.
I also have DS16 and his birth was fine but it hasn't helped to erase my first time

I didn’t really forget, child is now 14 years old. (I also had a failed epidural, you don’t hear that often!)
But it becomes after a while one of these experiences in life that formed me, made me who i am now.

And I learned from it, for my second pregnancy… i could much more be at peace, go with the flow, no panic. And stand up for myself and the baby, not letting the hospital setting intimidate me. Insisting on my wishes and not letting nurses rush past me while keeping my mouth shut, because I didn’t want to be a burden to them being busy… I really wanted my second birth to be healing and it was!

My first pregnancy was awful
Had HM and threw up at least 10 times a day the entire 9 months,pubis dysfunction so bad i couldn't climb stairs without crying,got to 42weeks and had an induction which failed to progress after 36 hours of labour,baby's heart rate was dropping badly so an emergency c section
This happened many years ago and they wouldn't give me medication for the sickness even though I lost 2 1/2 stone
My second was a elective caesarean section if I'd been told no I would have stopped at one child and not much sickness second time

Not forget but it’s less painful. Dc is 18 months and I feel better about it now than I did after birth. My birth reflections meeting really helped with answers and guilt

I had an awful first birth with a pph. I have not forgotten, not the pain so much as my poor treatment. I was young and really did not know how to advocate for myself and dh was just trying to support in the chaos. However ds birth next was totally different, so calm and beautiful so this helped. Both dc and dh now give blood as it saved my life which is a lovely positive out of it all.

Im Afraid I did 😟 I was prescribed cyclizine with my fifth which meant helped a bit .. but it really is the most miserable thing . It eased from about 16 weeks with my last pregnancy

I've got past mine now. DS is in double figures!

In my case yes. Very traumatic birth and then was unexpectedly pregnant again within a few months so had to face my fear

was lucky and had much more ok experience the second time which I think has helped blot out the first

but I can totally see how some people may never fully recover from it. I just wasn’t prepared at all for how awful and scary it could be.

This. I can fully recommend some therapy for help in processing it which does help you to heal mentally. Do you forget - no. Does it still hurt - yes (especially when friends etc have easy pregnancies) but it does help you put it in its box and move on. And yes another birth with more positive memories can help to heal you too.

Thank you - I had some emotional well being sessions with my HV and she told me she could do them for DP as she’s not just there for me and baby but dad too. He was very typical bloke about it and says he doesn’t like speaking about his feelings. I keep trying without being too pushy, hopefully he opens up when he feels ready.

I just wanted to also say I'd recommend EMDR (I'm a clinical psychologist). I hope you get the input you need. X

I had a last minute planned caesarean (planned the day before at 39w) and I just found it really traumatic. Nothing I guess happened like others have had but 5 months on still awake crying most nights thinking about it. I can't go near hospitals now. I don't even know why. Also wanted 4 kids & stopped at 1 as That puts me off another child as a planned section is supposed to be the least traumatic option so I couldn't cope with any method of delivery I don't think.

You're not alone x