It was worse than I could possibly have imagined, I still find it hard to talk about..

[AnguaVonUberwald]

My childbirth experience was awful, really really bad. It was humiliating, and I now, honestly, feel like I understand how victims of torture feel.

I would have done anything to stop the pain, I said some things I still don't want to think about, and all this was on the maternity ward in front of 3 other women, their visitors and anyone passing.

I dilated 5cm in an hour without them noticing!

Do I just accept this, or what do I do now?

This will definitly affect our decision about whether to have more children, as I simply couldn't go through that again!

What have other people who have had traumatic births done, or do you just live with it?

oh Angua!

There are things you can do.

Lulu is the expert, she will advise you lots about where to go from here.

There is absolutely no reason at all why you should be traumatised by this. There are measures in place to ensure that you "deal" with it in a way that you are comfortable with.

Am so sorry that after all those weeks of nearly being in labour, the real thing was so awful for you.

xx

OH darling.

Many of us on here have had first births of varying degrees of awfulness - mine was nowhere as awful as yours but it certainly left me reeling for ages: I am sure someone who has the contact details for the organisations to contact, but this sounds appalling.

If and when you want other children, you have many options. Including an elective Caesarian.

I am so so sorry.

I'm so sorry Angua. Unfortunately many women go through traumatic child births - there is a traumatic childbirth association and I'm sure someone will be here with the details.

In the meantime, I hope you are enjoying motherhood

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

Talk it out Angua. Talk, talk, talk it out. I talked here and irl. My first was a bit grim, but not like yours, and affected me badly enough. Review your notes with whoever does it for your PCT to fin dout what htat side of your story appears to be, but don't neccessarily rush to do it, I waited over a year to feel up to it.

Try and accept the bits you 'did' that you don't like to think about, do what you need to dto forgive yourself (for what is entirely forgiveable IMO anyway). Then when you feel the guilt (if that is what it is about what you said) rise up, tell it to sod off, you're done with it.

I have just had number 2 child, much better experience. Was much better and has in fact laid ghosts of first birth away, finally.

Squonk, thankyou, it was horrific, and I really want to "deal" with it in some way, as the memory is not getting any easier, in fact in some ways its getting harder.

It has not affected my ability to bond with my son in anyway, thank god, but I really think I am going to have to do something active about getting through this, not just leave it.

Motherinferior, it would have to be an elective cesarian, agreed, in writing, before we tried to get pregant, and even then I am not sure I would be confident they would do it!!

There are lots of other factors to consider in having more children, but this would definitly impact on it.

Belago, I am really enjoying motherhood thank you, he is wonderful (full of cold at the moment, but still mostly a happy baby)

I know how you feel Angua, I am only just able to think about dd's birth now and she is 4, I was treated appallingly badly but only realise that in hindsight. All I can say is that time will help, sorry for you.

Merryberry I have talked about it quite a bit, but am finding as time goes on that its harder and harder to talk about rather than getting easier.

Plus most people have heard some version of it now and I can't keep revisiting it, but OH GOD, I just wish the memories would get easier.

The things I said that I find hard to remember are to do with humiliation rather than guilt. But they brought back some bad memories of their own, which doesn't help.

Angua I don't know you're exact experience but mine was pretty bad, too. 3 weeks of weird on off labour. Agony. Finally got induced 2 weeks over, was not allowed ANY pain releif for 6 hours when they finally agreed I could have gas and air. Went temporarily mad from the pain. Didn't see a midwife again until my mam begged someone to come another 6 hours later as I was off my head. They were busy and said, "yes your daughters not the only one in labour tonight."

They sent for doc immediately and I was rushed in for c sec, they had to re-cut as couldn't get ds out. 1st one couldn't do it, so they called for other consultant, who still couldn't get him. The 3rd one managed meanwhile I lost 4 pints of blood. 3 hours later on the ward I was informed by midwife that I had the wrong nipples and would never manage breastfeeding.

I recently found out I am pregnant again, but I would never have done so again if I thought I had to go through that again. I am having an elective. Why? my gp asked (!) Because I don't want another emergency one!

if you've been made to feel powerless, i think the way forward is what helped with my ds1, understanding what happened form hospital viewpoint, querying them on the wrong stuff. and forcing a change of practice for one really really stupid thing they did. if you were made to feel like shite, then someone needs to apologise for it. and if the talking to laypeople isn't helping, do talk to a specialist in the birth trauma network. they know what to listen for. i think many lay people and even other recent mothers have to mentally have their fingers in their ears going tra-la-la to keep their own anxieties/issues etc at bay.

so sorry you are feeling this was.

i didn;t do anything initially (mistake). But then 18 months later it came flooding back. Things that helped included:

talking about it to close friends.
reading the stories of others at the website linked below.

and when i got pg again:

considered an elective section then eventually went to the other extreme and got a doula. we obtained my hopsital notes from the last birth and went through them in detail. that helped with a lot of unresolved stuff but also really prepared me for the next birth, so when it happpened i was the one at the centre of it and i was the one in control throughout and making all the decisions. it wasn't my 'dream birth', But it was the best i could expect with the hand i was dealt and i can live with that.

You don't have to just live with it. It's your body, your distress, and nobody has the right to say you shouldn't feel the way you do.

Can you go back to your birth hospital and ask for help with this?

I had a distressing first birth, but thought that I had dealt with it - after all, I had a healthy baby, I was OK, what more could I want? It was only when I was preparing for the birth of my second child that I realised I was still full of unresolved distress about the first birth. In fact, it was the midwife running the second-timers' preparation session who noticed that I was fizzing with anger about things that had happened to me. She suggested I come to see her in her role as Liaison Midwife.

We spent about 2h going through my labour notes, she explained everything that had happened and what perhaps could have been done differently. She listened, non-judgementally, to everything I had to say, accepting my feelings about what had happened to me as completely valid. When I wanted advice or suggestions she gave them to me, but did not push anything on me. Best of all, she effectively gave me permission to say 'No' to anything or anyone that I was not happy with.

I felt so much bettter after my session with the Liaison Midwife, and suddenly was looking forward to the labour, not anxious at all about it.

As it happened, when I arrived at the hospital in labour, the same shift were on duty as had attended my first labour. To one of the midwives I said "I want you, only you, to look after me, and I don't want her to come anywhere near me." My wishes were fully adhered to, without any issues, and dd's birth was vastly, vastly better than her elder brother's.

just to pick up on a point you made above about whether you would be allowed an elective section - when i initially raised this with my consultant he did try to talk me out of it but ultimately said it would be my decision. I was quite surprised that the choice was there, but it was.

Angua you can get help for this, it is a type of post traumatic stress disoreder and there are ways to ease it and help you deal with the memories.

Are you getting flashbacks, are you reliving it again and afain in your head?

There are types of therapy that will help you think through why you focus so much on the humiliation, and what feelings and thougts that causes for you now, and how to begin to address those so that they do not consume you in the same way.

Seek help, don't think you should just have to deal with this, time will help but you wil make much more progress, and become more positove more quickly if you can find the right help.

You are not alone, I had similar felings after my first birth, but my predominant feeling was guilt.

Stillwaters, there is guilt there, as the baby was in trouble and I didnt' even realise, in fact at one point I tore off the monitors because they hurt so much.

But DH was there to safeguard the baby, and my littleboy was absolutly fine in the end.

The biggest thing is the humiliation adn rememberance of that awful pain.

ITs reasurring to hear that i might be able to get an elective Csection, but I heard someone else in the hospital be turned down for one so not sure about our local hospital.

Thanks for the support everyone, have to go as the cub is crying for milk, but will come back later.

I don't get flashbacks, it more the rememberance and it playing again and again in my head! Really must go now, the milk demands are getting louder!

Angua - if you do decide to have another, you CAN insist on a CS. It is your body, your choice. You can control this. Deffo.

Angua - I had a traumatic first delivery, and then a very badly handled miscarriage in between. When I was pregnant with DD I was in a terrible state, and my GP and midwife were really, really supportive. The first thing they did was say that an elective CS was a definite option, and if that was what I wanted when the time came, then that is what I would have.

Having taken the pressure off, they proceeded to talk me through everything so that when the time came I was able to have another vaginal delivery which was much, much more manageable than my first

The promise of an elective CS was actually hugely important in my being able to go through with the vaginal delivery, if that makes any sense.

Oh you poor thing

I had a pretty dire time having dd and 5.5 years later it still gets me sometimes.

I agree you need to talk about it
get some counselling

angua i had a bad time too and in the end i complained via PALS (patient liaison). it was really easy, i got a letter of apology from the head of midwifery and they did change some practices. what was really great about that was being listened to and feeling that my complaint was valid and i wasn't just being drippy and hormonal. what would make you feel better?

and you will never have to go through that again, you can arm yourself with whatever neccessary to avoid it. that might be ecs, your own independent midwife, homebirth, there are lots of possibilities.

angua, i have lots of experience in this area.. if you would like to cat me or email me

mail @ motheringinstincts. com

all in confidence of course

or look at the birth trauma association or sheila kitzingers birth crisis

no, you dont accept this

you nned to debrief with a MW at the hospital. and get all your feelings out there, heard and dealt with

i have a 6 year gap between DCs due to PND triggered by birth trauma and have debriefed a lot of births x

Just to echo Lulumama - you need to get help in dealing with this.
My traumatic birth meant I left 10 years between my pg's - and even then I was terrified. I received counselling while pg with my 2nd - and with hindsight wished I'd done it a lot sooner because my 2nd birth was brilliant.
Even if it hadn't been straightforward, I reckoned I would have learnt enough coping strategies to deal with it.
The BTA is a helpful site, but also seek help from your GP/MW
Good luck x

i too had a horrific time, and i totally empathise with your feelings.

I went to see a psychologist in the end, and ended up re visiting the room where i had dd.

being able to talk about it was helpful, but the feelings that go with some aspect of it have taken a long to time to fade, but time has helped.

My birth was 6 yrs ago, and i also had spd, a bitch midwife and tearing that was psychologically difficult to cope with.

Alot of what I felt in the birth room , was completey inadequecy, and had alot to do with my past exp, lack of confidence, and depression.

Thats what I gleaned thru counsellign anyway.

I too felt i had been in a car crash, and I just wanted to die during it and after it. I never let my baby down, but i felf i had doneit all wrong. Luckily there is more support these days, and that website mentioned.

I think its the shock, isn't it, and feeling alone with it.

You aren't tho ((((hug))))

I am so very sorry that you experienced such trauma, humiliation and pain.

I would encourage you to do as others have suggested and take some time to process the birth with a professional counselor and also with a liaison at the hospital so they can address your concerns and what went wrong. The most important thing is that you get your power back and release any negative feelings so that you can start to heal.

While I am grateful that women have the choice to have an elective c-section, I also don't believe that they are necessarily the answer with subsequent births when the first was traumatic. It once again puts all of the power and control back in the doctors/MWs/hospital's hands and not in the mother's. Taking an active instead of a submissive role in your next child's birth could be just the healing step that you need.It might not be and that's okay too but try to remain open to the possibility if you can. As a previous poster mentioned, sometimes arming yourself with loads of info and support (perhaps a doula, intensive childbirth classes, and/or a homebirth) can be better for your psyche than avoiding the event altogether.

I would look at it like fear of flying after a near-miss accident: you can either choose never to fly again, fly only if knocked out unconscious or face your fear and tackle the root of the problem so that you can eventually fly on your own again and let all those negative feelings go. Some people won't be able or want to take the third option but I believe it can be beneficial to many.

Big hugs to you, I hope you are able to find peace.

great advice already

just wanted to add it might be worth checking what your hospital offers. Mine does a "Birth After Thoughts" service where you can arrange to go I see a senior m/w & go through your notes & discuss what happened ask any questions etc. This can be any time, even years later. If they don't do something similar at your hospital, ask to speak to the supervisor of m/w's, I'm sure she could arrange something similar for you.

A friend of mine used this service after her first DD's birth, which ended in a crash c/s & she found it really helped her.