Why would you bring up a pregnant woman’s baby maybe dying?

[Littleluv]

A family member of mine has said they will buy a cot for the baby. This is very generous and I appreciate this a lot.

When discussing where to get the cot delivered to they said if I wanted it in my house before baby is here. I am not superstitious and do not let that control my life so said well I may as well as it will need to be set up for them coming home.

They proceeded to then talk about someone in my family whose baby died during childbirth 50 years ago and that I need to be aware of this.

It has really upset me and actually I have been teary on and off as I am in my final trimester and this has scared me. But I am also just shocked why on earth someone would say this to a pregnant woman.

Has anyone else had family members or people they know say things like this to them?

Are they generally quite thoughtless?

They're idiots. Having your own superstitions is fine, sharing them with a pregnant woman, and describing rare unpleasant events to justify them, totally unreasonable.

For some reason everyone tells you this.

We bought a lot of hand me down stuff and yes we stored it at home before baby's arrival. We were told so many times this.

If somethings bad happens it has nothing to do with a cot or pram at home.
Some people might think it's worse return home to baby's stuff if baby doesn't go go. I must admit that I think it makes no difference if you loose your child.

Ignore the idiot

The only time this is acceptable if there’s a reason that might also affect your baby as there was on my family and I told the midwife and had a very late sca as a result.

Obviously if something terrible were to happen to anyone it wouldn't be because of the where items were stored.

But to a point, and probably more so in the earlier days, it's common sense not to buy too many things prematurely.

It's common when people suffer any bereavement for belongings to be a source of conflict, whether clearing an elderly person's home, or keeping a bedroom as it was.

Items that are never used for the intended purpose for the most awful reason could be extremely challenging to see and deal with for many.

giving them the benefit of the doubt, is there a chance they were worried there might be a hereditary problem that you might not know about already?

That’s a really awful thing to say to a pregnant woman. Clearly they are very thoughtless and superstitious.

Something about being pregnant makes people think they can say/ask anything. It’s weird!

I don’t know what it is about some parents/grandparents that they insist on giving out old wives tales as advice! When I had my baby, 50 odd years ago, my mother-in-law announced that if I went out before the birthing period was up, (6 weeks after the birth) something awful would happen to the baby! I had never heard of this and couldn’t see the sense in it. Who doesn’t want to take their baby out in the pram as soon as possible and not wait until six weeks after giving birth? Recently, I was reminded of it and I looked it up. It’s based on happenings years ago when more babies died in the first few months. (Look it up - it’s quite interesting). Also, I was told that I shouldn’t buy a cot before baby is actually here, for the same reason. And, I’m ashamed to say, I didn’t.
Anyway, Littleluv, don’t let all this upset you. Most of these superstitions are from the time when babies often didn’t survive for long. It’s not like that now and it’s safe to say that buying a pram and cot now would be fine. That said, I still feel strangely uneasy about it. (It’s amazing how these superstitions get to you). My advice to you is the same advice I have given to my pregnant granddaughter and that is to do what you are comfortable with. She has decided to buy the cot but not the pram. However, the cot will not be delivered until AFTER baby is born. The shop will keep it until she’s ready. The pram will be chosen soon but not bought until baby is here.
The main thing is, you should be able to enjoy your pregnancy without these
unnecessary worries, so please relax. It will be fine. Big hugs from an experienced Mum/Nana xxx

My late MIL was terrible for this. DP was talking about the maternity grant we'd be getting and she asked if we'd have to give it back if the baby died. I'd had a miscarriage the first time I got pregnant and all through my second pregnancy she would regularly ask me "are you bleeding yet?" as if it were a foregone conclusion that having lost my first baby the second one would obviously die too. She was generally a very tactless person, if you ever pulled her up on the awful shit she came out with she'd act all confused and upset.

My goodness, what an old bat! What a thing to say and what terrible questions to ask! My mother-in-law was very similar, with weird ideas and she was also very tactless so I know what you mean. If you picked her up on what she threatened, she just denied saying it! Grrrrrr!
I hope everything went well for you and your baby.

There are plenty of Mumsnetters who believe in all sorts of rubbish paranormal stuff, and we're not allowed to tell them they are being ridiculous. This is exactly the same. She believes this bonkers thing and is worried about it.

I was absolutely terrified for the whole of my pregnancy after miscarriage / IVF / miscarriage / more IVF. If anyone has said that to me I would have been absolutely devastated.

Some people are just so hard of thinking that they open their mouth and say whatever they like, regardless of whether it is inappropriate/ unkind / unnecessary.

I'm not surprised this has upset you. Do contact a midwife for some reassurance if you need to. x

Yup not nice and clearly thoughtless. Yea it can happen but it doesn’t mean it will happen to you.

Breathe, put the comment in a WTAF box and move on.

I get emotions are high and being pregnant contributes to that but every pregnancy is different and I’m sure you will be fine.

My MIL said something similar. I think it was something along the lines of 'I can't help but worry. If i knew what I knew now about vaginal births I wouldn't have had one'. Wasn't what I wanted to hear. Fortunately I went on to have a very easy and quick delivery with my son - 4 hours labour which I didn't find awful at all, just gas and air needed to get me through pushing.. loved the experience tbh!

She was insensitive and YANBU to be upset.

I think though, to give this person a bit of grace, if they are from an older generation they might just view things differently. Miscarriages and still births weren’t discussed so presumably not having the stuff in your house made it easier to keep up appearances and pretend it never happened to the outside world, as people were encouraged to do.

My grandmother lost a baby in the hospital 48 hours after she was born. She was buried in a private ceremony at the hospital chapel and promptly never discussed again - I was 25 before I knew she had been pregnant and did not find out she had had a short life until my grandmother died.

All of this to say, she was thoughtless but she probably didn’t mean to be unkind.

Congratulations on your baby op

They sound like an idiot. Why on earth would they try and scare you like that? Firstly, bad things don't happen because you bought a cot into the house. Secondly, do they really think that people who do experience loses or stillbirth wouldn't feel quite as upset or get over it a bit easier because they didn't buy anything yet?

Not wanting loads of baby stuff around before the birth is a fairly common thing where I grew up. I think most people probably sadly know someone who have suffered a tragedy where they haven’t brought their baby home.

I wouldn’t ram it home with a pregnant woman though - it does sound like she did it insensitively.

But also you will be super hormonal right now - try not to let it get to you. Your lovely baby will be here soon.

No absolutely not, I’ve had a very straightforward healthy pregnancy and this pregnancy loss occurred over 50 years ago (actually probably now closer to 60) with some distant relative i.e. the mother who lost the baby isn’t even a blood relation of mine…

I think it stems from a time when there were more pregnancy losses and stillbirths. My mum said something similar to me 23 years ago when I bought a pram - she asked whether I’d be able to get my money back “if something, er, went wrong“. Took me a while to work out what she meant.

This is what I find bizarre if something that traumatic happened I really don’t think having a cot in the house would make it any worse or better?

@Littleluv it really wouldn't. You would be devastated whatever. Anyway, she's the weirdo and I very much hope all will go well for you. Enjoy getting everything ready for your new baby.

I think your reaction is particularly sensitive but also relative was slightly insensitive to mention it.

Nearly every woman in my family for the past 3 generations has lost their first baby- either full term stillbirth or died within a couple of weeks. All for different very random, non- genetic reasons. So in my family things are discussed and if someone wanted to be superstitious I'd think it was for their own reasons.

It's literally just me and one Aunt who had healthy firstborns.

I think it being put in your head your baby will die and being upset isn’t particularly sensitive. Your family sounds like a very unusual case…

@Littleluv will die or could die? There is a really important difference.