I regret choosing vaginal birth

[Sept2024]

Calling all expecting mums- I gave birth vaginally and I feel misled. I needed ventouse, episiotomy and forceps and ended up with a third degree tear. I needed to go into a theatre FULL of staff for stitches without my baby afterwards and now suffer incontinence as a result of my tear.

i wasn’t told how very common it is to need an instrumental birth.

if I could go back in time I would have gotten a c section. I just want first time mums to be aware of what can happen if you’re unsure how to give birth to help your decision making because I didn’t know how common it was really. It was honestly horrible

Yup - absolute nonsense that the response is “just do kegels”. Some women need surgery or very very specific and targeted electro stimulation to recover.

It’s seriously like post natal physical care here is in the dark ages. It’s insane to me.

I had two planned C sections in a private hospital. Both wonderful experiences. Calm theatre, experienced and kind obstetrician and nurses and immediate skin to to skin with my babies. 3 nights in hospital each time where I was throughly looked after. I’m bloody grateful to be able to afford to go privately, as the stories from the NHS are horrendous.

I also think it's really nasty to say things like 'shit happens' to the OP when we don't know where she is in life. She says she's got ongoing incontinence- maybe she's had to leave her job and is housebound. Maybe she's in the early pp stage and has been discharged doubly incontinent like I was and is staring down the barrel of not being able to go to any baby groups or walk round the park.

I also went through a stage of wanting to warn people before I realised that every birth is different. It's just part of being very understandably traumatised. Reading 'shit happens' is not useful.

There can be complications with any birth. I was just talking to a friend who had elective ceasarian fairly recently which was so traumatic her DH passed out. On the other hand I had three straight forward vaginal births with no intervention or pain relief.

I absolutely agree that women need to be well informed and we need high quality maternity care but it can be a matter of luck what experience you have due to the position the baby is in and how labour progresses.

I had 2 x third degree tears from natural water births with no intervention. Never heard of a golden hour but I spent the first few hours of both dc’s lives in an ambulance transfer (from midwife led unit to hospital) then in surgery, first with a GA as the spinal block didn’t work. I found the experience not remotely traumatic, no idea who was in the operating theatre and I look back on the moment they were shouting about some bleeding and shoved a mask over my face to put me out with amusement more than anything - because I and my dc suffered no lasting impact of any of it and I was very happy to get 2 healthy babies out of it, and the birth itself was fine. I’d choose the same experience again with no hesitation.

the NCT are honest in that the cascade of intervention is real - most women who engage with them are old enough/mature enough to realise they are promoting a particular angle and you don’t have to agree with it if you’re just there to form relationships? You can do your own research.

This entire thread is ridiculous. “Shit happens” is a profoundly unempathetic response to a bunch of women saying they weren’t appropriately warned or provided helpful treatment afterward for life altering birth injuries.

I'm glad you found your experience not traumatising and amusing. You must be very robust.

I'm glad you did your research and are mature enough to understand that the NCT are promoting a particular angle. You must be very clever.

You poor thing, you have my sympathy. I had a very similar experience with my first birth, I was nothing short of traumatised afterwards for a good while, but I did slowly come to terms with it and I'm sure you will too. It's shit and I'm sorry it's happened to you, be kind to yourself. How long ago was it? I'd say it took a good 6 to 8 weeks for me to fully recover physically.

For what it's worth, my second birth was a very calm planned c section and a world away from my first one. I actually found it very healing. That is a possibility if you decide to have another.

I'm really sorry you had a bad time op.

I don't think it's a matter of warning women off vaginal birth though. My c section was awful and vaginal birth second time was great, even with episiotomy. It's a grass is always greener thing.

The truth is that there's no 100% risk free way to give birth, if there was everyone would give birth that way. It's also true that maternity services and postnatal care are pretty dire.

Copying Mrs Terry Prachett
MrsTerryPratchett · Today 05:41

I had a C-section and I think maybe you have 'the grass is greener' a little. CS is serious abdominal surgery and not without risks, complications and long-term effects.
It was honestly horrible.
Childbirth is life-threatening, serious business. However you do it.
*
My mind was wandering and I substituted Christmas for Childbirth.
oh so true I mused and then realised my error. Child birth varies, I had two w epidurals and two with no pain relief (and no medals for courage either 🙂).

Hope you recover quickly and enjoy your snuggly baby even with all the work they come with🪷🌸🪷

I had an EMCS with my first (footling breech) after going into labour the day before the scheduled c-section. With my second I had unplanned vaginal, gas and air only (again, went into labour the day before my ELCS).

I had done the VBAC clinic and made a very reasoned judgement about which option would be best for me given I had bad SPD etc. and had been slightly taken aback by how hard they pushed VBAC without talking about what could also go wrong in that circumstance.

As it was, the L&D was so busy I was told it would be a couple of hours wait for an elective c-section and I went from 2cm to pushing in an hour. I ended up pushing for over an hour, narrowly avoided forceps but still had a 3b tear and (whilst they didn’t mention it, I found out during the review) a PPH. Again, due to the busy unit, I was left on the bed with no pain relief for 5 hours before they could take me into theatre to sew me up under spinal block.

Despite all this, I’d say the physical recovery from the VBAC was quicker than the EMCS, I had a bit of incontinence at first which has mostly resolved 4 months on, but was active much more quickly. However the emotional recovery from VBAC was much harder - the whole experience was out of control and the NHS was clearly at breaking point and I was someone who went into the situation very aware of the risks of both. I can’t imagine how traumatic it would have been if I’d only had the NCT version of what labour could be.

Go easy on yourself and (whilst I know it’s hard) try not to dwell on what you “should” have done - give yourself a pat on the back for dealing with what you “had” to.

I had a ventouse and episiotomy too and now I’m pregnant again. Hoping for a better birth this time

I was very lucky and had a complication-free planned Caesarean, with a pretty easy recovery. I am so grateful to my daughter for being breech so the decision was taken out of my hands!

I completely understand that some women have terrible experiences of Caesareans, and others have completely complication-free vaginal births. However, my sister (a consultant paediatrician) told me that the proportion of female gynaecologists, obstetricians and paediatricians who have elective Caesareans is huge, which is very telling!

My first. Birth was 27 years a go..at the Rosie maternity hospital in Cambridge.
They got my husband to hold me still while I screamed no to an epidural going in . obviously my back was black after it went in because they kept missing,as I couldn't stay still.
They had decided I wasn't coping with the pain ,and forced me in to an epidural.
Then I couldn't feel when to push ,so baby went into distress and they told me to push baby out or forceps.
By now I was in stirrups ,unable to move ,but with the pain relief turned off .I was hysterical with fear and pain.
Eventually she came out and I was told I needed stitches.
Still in the stirrups the doctor sewed me up with no pain relief,while I screamed,get the fuck of me ,and everyone just ignored my screaming while she sewed saying,she had a rush on ,she didn't have time to wait for any pain relief to kick in ,so no point giving me any..
I blamed my husband for the whole thing ,as he just stood there and didn't stop them at any point ..it was like being tortured in a horror movie .I can remember it all so clearly,but I can't remember holding my daughter or our first cuddle
I did go on to have 3 other children,but at a small hospital and with water births ,and I wouldn't let anyone touch me or come in the room , except one midwife.

I had a "straightforward" VB for DS1. Only a 1st degree year, home same day. But I then suffered for 2 years with pelvic floor issues that then needed private physio (nhs was useless with this and just said it's "what happens"), and a bowel complication still requires me to take stool softeners 8yrs later! So it doesn't feel like "straightforward" to me!

Needless to say, for DS2 I requested a ElCS. Had to fight for it a bit as nhs kept trying to tell me my issues unlikely to be exacerbated by another VB but I pointed out they couldn't guarantee that and I quoted NICE guidelines and they accepted. ELCS was great. Recovery was a bit painful and stiff for 2wkz but no more so than my VB (just different areas of soreness). Pelvic floor was absolutely fine and I was running again at 12wks pp for 5k as before! I get CS come with risk and it is major surgery, but VB come with plenty of risks too and is also a major trauma for your body too - IMO there's a reason majority of female obstetricians say they would have ELCS instead of VB.

I think the point OP is making is that they try to push vaginal birth. Everyone is told the risks of a section. I was told not a single risk about vaginal birth. I spent a lot of time reading, and was very happy with my elective section. Most of the research around increased risks are related to emergency sections.

I personally didn't want the risk of instrumental delivery, incontinence, 3 days labour, or the unpredictable nature of vaginal birth. I wanted the known risks of a section.

I think the point the OP is making that all women should have all the risks of all options explained and be able to make an informed choice.

of course some vaginal births are problem free. Just like some c sections are also completely problem free.

To continue what I was saying above
I also went to paid classes before the birth ,and felt very angry they hadn't told me the pain relief of an epidural is turned of and your left in stirrups unable to move ,they also didn't dwell on how painful it was ,so I felt completely unprepared and went in to shock with the pain ..it didn't help I was trapped in a very small very hot room with just a bed and nothing I could lean on or move around on and a window they shut because I was screaming.

You can’t really advise like that as everyone’s circumstances are so different. Every birth is different my two experiences were so different it was like I was two people. One 3 day shit show ending in EMCS and one natural that took 4 hours.

A work colleague was 5 years younger than me and had an uneventful pregnancy same time as mine had a natural birth which her baby did not survive. So my bar for the whole grim process was very low.

Exactly @Ladamesansmerci and @Newmeagain . It's very difficult to find any info about instrumental births. Of course you can do your own research, but why would you go digging around online when you've paid for the classes, attended an online hospital antenatal class and had a bunch of midwife appts?

OP isn't trying to say all vaginal births are bad or that all c-sections are horrible. Some of the competitive and sneery replies on here are wild.

@MrsTerryPratchett: ‘Childbirth is life-threatening, serious business.’

Hits the nail on the head, and isn’t something we speak enough about.

I wish women’s health was taken more seriously, because childbirth & aftercare doesn’t need to be this awful (as so many have described).

Commenting on behalf of my dear friend, who didn’t survive to share her birth story.

Having read all of the messages I think the overall feeling is that there is risk whatever you do and alot of it's subjective based on each person's own experience. I don't think the NHS offers adequate maternity care and it certainly could be improved.
I'm in Switzerland. I had an elective c section because I had a rare auto immune disease discovered in my 2nd trimester. I had a really positive experience. They keep you in for 5 days minimum over here for c sec. I felt supported and in control throughout. My son ended up in neo natal care so we were in for 8 days but the care was excellent. And the after care, post recovery was brilliant too. In hospital they had 1 mid wife for every 2 patients and they were so kind.

I had a c section and it was my favourite birth.

Yes it takes time to recover but it was a positive calm experience.

It took 9 years for my episiotomy scar to heal (after a traumatic forceps delivery).

I still wouldn’t have wanted to have a c-section unless absolutely necessary.

Prolapses can easily result from just being pregnant

I don’t understand why this isn’t more widely acknowledged or as I said previously pregnancy itself impacts the bladder.