When to arrange overseas grandparents visiting newborns

[Marmiteontoastgirlie]

So we are due our first in early January and I would love to hear thoughts on when is appropriate for grandparents to visit, when they live overseas and will need to stay nearby. I had been reading a lot about how it’s very important to have a newborn bubble (especially on Reddit, most people seem unanimous that they regretted any visitors in first two weeks). So, for my own mum who is coming from very far away, we have organised for her to arrive 2 weeks after birth and stay for three weeks. I love my mum but we have a complicated relationship, she could either be amazing or a highly strung disaster so I thought safest to have her come when I’m hopefully feeling less out of it.

Next, we have DH’s parents. Also live in a different country but only a few hours away, they would also be staying nearby and not with us, but part of me worries that as they are visiting our country just to see baby, once they are here any “popping in” will be prolonged. So we have asked that they come initially for 5 nights, roughly 12 days after c-section date (so they will come before my mum and leave day before she gets here, as I don’t want to deal with them overlapping). MIL was a bit upset that she wasn’t coming straight after birth but hasn’t complained and has just said they will come when we are happy.

Anyway, I thought all was arranged nicely to give us this “newborn bubble” but now I’ve searched for this on mumsnet and mumsnet seems unanimous that the newborn bubble is a load of tosh and that I’ll actually be lonely and really want visitors straight away!

For me, if anyone lived nearby I would be very happy for them to come to say hi to baby in first few days - it’s just the element of them all needing to fly to us and be visiting and therefore probably wanting to spend the whole day or hours of each day with us that gives me pause.

I also don’t know how it will work with them visiting, would they be happy to pop in for an hour and then leave or would they expect to be having a party at ours and staying all day? Will we feel rude curtailing visiting time when they’ve flown to be there? In the context of this unknown, having them visit after 12 days seemed safest as this would be when I would be more able to deal with the worst case outcome of them being (1) not at all helpful and (2) hanging out for hours and not taking hints to leave. Obviously if they were amazing helpful angels and perfectly attuned to new parents needs then earlier would be nice, but I am also just trying to de-risk it for myself.

I guess basically I am seeking some reassurance that the 2 week newborn bubble will be really nice, because after reading mumsnet this morning I’m now worried it’s going to be awful and lonely rather than a nice time for me and DH to get the hang of everything and bond together!

Otherwise we could get PILs to come earlier as they are closer? Mums flights and visit is probably set now.

Honestly? The bubble was a load of tosh for me and I’d have gone insane if I’d had no visitors for two weeks. I was desperate for conversation and to show off the world’s cutest baby!

But everyone is different so you’re the best judge of whether you’re someone who needs their own space and would benefit from protected time together.

The bubble sounds like a lot of rubbish to me. And quite unnatural. It's much more natural to want to show your baby off.

I imagine lots of people who do it have strained relationships in the first place. Remember paternity leave is a relatively modern thing historically it's was the Granny's who rallied round the new mum while Dad was back to work.

It’s really a personal thing. I enjoyed not having guests right away, and being able to get used to the new person in the family without company.

My first grandchild arrived last week and we might meet them tomorrow. I say ‘might’ because my intention is to drop off some food, give my kid and their partner a hug, then dip. If baby’s asleep or eating, no way in Hades am I going to interrupt. If I get to see the wee one, fantastic, but I’m not banking on it. They live a couple of hours away, so this is planned (I don’t do drop ins) and I expect to be there maybe 20 minutes so we don’t mess with their sleep schedule. There will be time for longer visits later.

I didn't want a bubble tbh. But I get on with my family and in laws well.

Difficult relationships, and staying for a while, I'd probably feel differently tbh.M, and do as you have. Even if you don't get the baby blues, your hormones will probably be all over the place and make things more volatile. They still will be after 2wks, but at least you'll have settled back at home properly

Wil your DH be back at work at 12 days? If so I would invite them earlier - you need him there to get them to leave when they've stayed long enough. "Well it's been lovely to see you, we'll see you again same time tomorrow".

I don't believe in a bubble either. Both sets of Grandparents met my babies when they were around 24 hours old. With 2nd and 3rd we made sure the siblings met first and then Grandparents.

I appreciate that it probably wasn't your intention, but using words like unnatural seems dismissive of very valid feelings. There is no way if feeling after a massive event like birth that could be considered unnatural imo

It's a challenge with overseas visitors as you don't know when you'll actually give birth or what will happen next and how you'll feel. DC1 was 15 days overdue and DC2 was 10 days. Neither needed any time in special care so we were home quickly but, after DC1, I couldn't really walk far or do much for a few days. If you have a c-section, that will be different again.
I would have gone spare had I been stuck at home for a fortnight with just DH and a baby. We had my parents visits for 2 nights when DC1 was 3 days old and then the in-laws came for a similar length of time a couple of days later. I loved showing off DD. I appreciated having someone to do random tasks whether it was to hold DD who would only have contact naps in this early days, bring me a cup of tea or go and collect something for me from the shops. I also loved having someone to chat to. Due to the 24/7 nature of having a newborn, when I was awake, DH was often asleep and vice versa. It was also great having someone around who had actually had a baby before and knew what to do with it even if some of it was out of date. DH and I didn't have a clue!

It is a very personal decision. Csection is not necessarily an easy option and you may still be feeling rough. Plus you will probably want to get into a basic feeding routine.

I didn't want anyone apart from me and ds' dad anywhere near DS for weeks. I got very hormonal and stressed and wanted to rip the arms off anyone who came near, so I told everyone to stay away until I was feeling more normal. That was at four weeks.

I don't envy you having to decide in advance. Will your partner be around to entertain them if you want to retreat to your room with the baby?

We live overseas from both our families so I understand. The problem of course is that you have no idea when you'll give birth or how it will be. My family can't book last minute so we had people come after my due date just in case I went over. Then I had my daughter a month early so it was all different anyway.

A friend went two weeks over so her mum had come and gone before she had the baby.

My family can only come once a year as it's so far so my mom was there around a month after, my in-laws around 4 months, my dad around 5 months and my brother at 6 months. I don't like back to back visitors (everyone stays with us) so spread it out.

For me with my first I was glad it was my mom visiting first as I was still working on breastfeeding and recovery and I would have felt odd with anyone else.

I think the bubble is a made up social media thing, it’s not something done in real life. Personally I think 4 weeks in a row of visitors is a lot though and it would be better to spread it out.

We also live in a different countries than both of our families.

I had quite a difficult birth so I was happy my DH had 8 weeks off. My family came about one month after and my ILs came right after them.

They both stayed in a hotel nearby and also did a lot of touristy stuff during the day / evening as I was still not feeling great.

I can't imagine having anyone in earlier, but it's a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer.

Actually, a fair number of new mums want to 'nest and protect', a completely normal instinct that means they don't want visitors.

You implying that anything other than how you felt is unnatural, really isn't helpful.

I had real trouble getting breastfeeding established, it took a lot of work, lactation consultants, pumping, midwives were here a lot etc for the first couple of weeks - the same with both DC. I really needed time without visitors both to focus on feeding and to get some rest. I suspect if I had had family staying I may have given up so I’m really glad I didn’t. It was nothing to do with a bubble- but I did want privacy at that time.

Yes maybe it would be better to get in laws to come 1 week after birth, then have a few days off just us, then have my mum arrive. It’s a bit tricky as my DH gets very upset when I “change my mind” so I am imagining he will be really confused if I now say that we should change the dates of his parents visiting. Maybe I should just contact my MIL directly and tell her to keep it flexible and I’ll probably know if the first few days after birth whether an earlier visit works. Gargh it’s so hard to predict with overseas visitors as once they’re here they’re here and visiting every day for the length of their visit! Not like someone who lives in your city who can come as much or as little as is working for you.

I was very happy to be in a bubble with my baby with not many visitors. I could barely get out of bed and slept at random times (when baby slept) and was not wearing much to establish breastfeeding. So not prepared for visitors at all.

A key thing to think about is are the relatives guests (you provide food, they enjoy) or assistance (they do the laundry and prepare a meal without having to ask you questions about where everything is kept). Assistants are useful especially if your DH is back at work. But guests should be delayed longer.

Thank you for your understanding comment! I think a few commenters are thinking of visitors who live nearby. If our parents lived nearby I would love for them to pop in to meet baby straight away! I’d even probably have my mum at the birth if she lived nearby as she would be great in that context and then she could go home after a few days.

It’s just that they’re coming from overseas, so once they are here they are here and I am having trouble predicting what it will be like and how I will feel.

Forget about the bubble you'll go mad just being with your baby. You need adult interaction
They will be excited this is their grandchild. There isn't an optimism time for them to come

Just see when flights and accommodation are most reasonable

@parietal Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I might be more like you in the early days. The in laws did recently visit us when I was 8 months pregnant and I found sitting around in our lounge chatting to them for hours really tiring and just wanted to be lying down not having to make conversation.

I am imagining their post-partum visits will basically be like that, except I will be leaking milk and wearing an adult diaper and maybe wanting to cry all day?

Last year they stayed with us for a week over Christmas and I was the only person in the household who loaded and unloaded the dishwasher for their entire stay (even DH who is usually good with splitting household chores regressed and also didn’t help). Not once did either of them jump in and help with clean up - even on Christmas Day when I had cooked the entire meal. So it’s hard to imagine them turning into super guests just because there is a baby…. But giving MIL the benefit of the doubt, she might suddenly become very helpful and cook for us etc and be a dream to have around in the early days and has said she wants to be there to help.

This isn’t a PIL bashing post either, I am actually more nervous about my mums visit for completely different reasons. She is likely to be more helpful with cooking and cleaning but much more likely to stop speaking to me if she thinks she has been slighted which I find quite distressing as brings up feelings from childhood, when she also did this to me.

The more I type the more I think I should get in laws to come earlier so that we can have a break between the overseas guests as that might reduce my overwhelm vs maybe a lonely 2 weeks immediately post partum and then back to back visitors for 4 weeks.

IME it's miserable having visitors when you are in pain, tired and trying to bf. They ruined the first month of having DC1.

I was in a bubble for the first 2 weeks. Was amazing!

Newborn baby bubble is such a lady bollocks. One good reason to get in-laws visiting well after two weeks though it’s because newborns do sleep like, well, newborns. Ie constantly. So anyone who is around the baby in that first one or two weeks as a completely unrealistic sense of how easy it is to be around the baby and deal with it. That includes husbands. In my view husbands should only take paternity leave once the child is about a month old and start screaming for no reason at all for about four hours every afternoon .

Both sets of our parents don’t live near us. One set is a 10 hour flight.

• with DC1 my parents (6 hour drive), came the next day for a few days, but didn’t stay with us. it was quite helpful to have them around tbh. my in-laws came after about 10 days (pre-arranged for 3 weeks after due date but I was 10 days late!). They stayed with us for 4 weeks and that was fine too - they helped a lot with cooking and would mind DC while I showered etc. I think I found it easier with them there than not, on balance.
• with DC2 my in-laws came after 4 days and stayed for 12 weeks - I was happy with any help I could get with DC1 while looking after newborn, wasn’t fussed about any bubble!

I don’t know about the bubble but I do know what I’m like when I’m feeling rough and out of my depth. For that, I need space and calm and time to get myself together. A section is major surgery, not a walk in the park at all, and you will need to recover; how you manage the first couple of weeks is actually crucial to your long term recovery. Add to that the usual postpartum hormone storm and you may find that privacy is necessary. The odd 10 min pop-in from self-aware folks local to you can be really nice, but I would be very wary of committing to sustained company so early if you’re not sure whether you’ll need practical help. I knew we’d batch cooked and we had a cleaner so 🤷🏾‍♀️ there wasn’t much looking after to be done that DP couldn’t easily manage.

So, I put my foot down when I was pregnant with DD and insisted on a minimum of two weeks just the three of us before anyone, including grandparents (who live far away) came near. As it happened, a couple of close friends popped by for very short intervals and brought us food, made us cups of tea, and then buggered off again, which was lovely. My MIL also managed to engineer it so that she and FIL couldn’t possibly visit at any other time than the weekend I was still just 9 days postpartum. 2.5 years later I’m still irritated by that if I think about it too long! They live far away (not overseas) so it’s intense when they come and our house is small. I love them both but the visit was tiring and I was glad when they left. It was of no benefit to me whatsoever and I resented the intrusion when I was still trying to get my head around breastfeeding.

I’m now 38+4 with DS and need the grandparents for childcare so from today, we’ll have my mum staying with us (who I also have a complicated relationship with) for 13 days over Christmas, then directly after, my in-laws for a week, who’ll be staying in an Airbnb nearby with zero facilities for making food or relaxing, so they’ll be round constantly. I am grateful I have the support with DD but I am also absolutely dreading it.

With your firstborn OP, take the time you think you might need and don’t apologise to anyone for it. You may not have the luxury of doing the same if you have another! I’d say two weeks to in-laws if they must come first for whatever reason, then a break for a week, then your mum. Or vice versa if that’ll be less of a headache. They can like it or lump it.

No bubble here, in fact, I ended up having visitors around half an hour after getting home with my first. This was entirely my choice I had and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing them.

It's very difficult to know how you'll feel. I would have gone crazy not seeing people personally. But personally I didn't find postpartum tricky. My sections were pretty much painless, baby slept well like you'd expect, But I'd had horrendous SPD in pregnancy, which meant I was in too much pain to sleep for much of it. I had more rest after the birth than before. I chose to bottle feed (so I breastfed my second and that was no more difficult in terms of visitors for me), didn't leak milk, lochia was no more tricky than a period and pretty much done dusted within a week, and whilst I was hormonal it was the occasional tears because of how much I loved my baby. I was fortunate that I'm in the approximately 10% of women that don't get the baby blues. I got an amazing energy and buzz from having my baby, and from being well again.

Yes I was occasionally tired, and I ate with one hand, but I didn't find it tricky to do stuff. I made cakes (baby in the sling) because I finally had the time, which I didn't have when I was working.

So my first couple of weeks postpartum were filled with pub lunches day trips out, seeing friends, entertaining guests and basically having the best time of my life. It was amazing.

I know for some women it's really hard though, and I don't want to diminish the difficulties they have. Frankly you could be in either camp or somewhere in the middle. I don't envy your situation.

I dont think you'll know what's best until baby has arrived, and it also depends on your relationship with people. Personally I felt physically awful in week 1 and didn't want my in laws to visit for more than an hour or so. I needed space and I was very uncomfortable. But i also had trouble breastfeeding and needed my mum for some emotional and practical support. But it was much more difficult trying to manage breastfeeding with other visitors as we'd basically need to disappear to another room (which was awkward in itself) for an hour or so. Ok with my mum, but not with others.

In your situation I'd avoid week 1 for anything other than a quick pop on for a coffee and to meet the baby, and probably also week 2 just in case, given they'll need to travel. I'm sure they'll understand, and you can perhaps explain your thinking about the timing... that you want to make sure they come when they'll be able to spend more time with the baby and you without worrying about recovery etc.