When to arrange overseas grandparents visiting newborns

[Marmiteontoastgirlie]

So we are due our first in early January and I would love to hear thoughts on when is appropriate for grandparents to visit, when they live overseas and will need to stay nearby. I had been reading a lot about how it’s very important to have a newborn bubble (especially on Reddit, most people seem unanimous that they regretted any visitors in first two weeks). So, for my own mum who is coming from very far away, we have organised for her to arrive 2 weeks after birth and stay for three weeks. I love my mum but we have a complicated relationship, she could either be amazing or a highly strung disaster so I thought safest to have her come when I’m hopefully feeling less out of it.

Next, we have DH’s parents. Also live in a different country but only a few hours away, they would also be staying nearby and not with us, but part of me worries that as they are visiting our country just to see baby, once they are here any “popping in” will be prolonged. So we have asked that they come initially for 5 nights, roughly 12 days after c-section date (so they will come before my mum and leave day before she gets here, as I don’t want to deal with them overlapping). MIL was a bit upset that she wasn’t coming straight after birth but hasn’t complained and has just said they will come when we are happy.

Anyway, I thought all was arranged nicely to give us this “newborn bubble” but now I’ve searched for this on mumsnet and mumsnet seems unanimous that the newborn bubble is a load of tosh and that I’ll actually be lonely and really want visitors straight away!

For me, if anyone lived nearby I would be very happy for them to come to say hi to baby in first few days - it’s just the element of them all needing to fly to us and be visiting and therefore probably wanting to spend the whole day or hours of each day with us that gives me pause.

I also don’t know how it will work with them visiting, would they be happy to pop in for an hour and then leave or would they expect to be having a party at ours and staying all day? Will we feel rude curtailing visiting time when they’ve flown to be there? In the context of this unknown, having them visit after 12 days seemed safest as this would be when I would be more able to deal with the worst case outcome of them being (1) not at all helpful and (2) hanging out for hours and not taking hints to leave. Obviously if they were amazing helpful angels and perfectly attuned to new parents needs then earlier would be nice, but I am also just trying to de-risk it for myself.

I guess basically I am seeking some reassurance that the 2 week newborn bubble will be really nice, because after reading mumsnet this morning I’m now worried it’s going to be awful and lonely rather than a nice time for me and DH to get the hang of everything and bond together!

Otherwise we could get PILs to come earlier as they are closer? Mums flights and visit is probably set now.

My parents visited from overseas for a weekend when DS was about three weeks old, and my PILs a few days later. I absolutely needed that time, and probably could have done with more.

The issue with both sets was really that they needed to be babysat to a great extent -- we were in London, and they weren't able to navigate the tube by themselves, needed to be picked up from LHR and escorted about, plus we had a tiny one-bed flat, so they needed to be put up in a hotel, and escorted back and forth there.

You will have a better idea than I do about how much 'work' your parents and PILs will need, and whether they are likely to be of any practical help to you, and how much you will want them to be about.

But I would urge you to give yourself time (I had an infected CS scar and spent those three weeks trying and failing to breastfeed, with advice from everyone possible, to no avail, so it was a difficult time. quite apart from the adjustment to having a newborn) AND to communicate very clearly what you need. For instance 'Will they expect to be at our house all day?' is the wrong question. The question 'What will work for you?'

Having parents and PILs visiting from overseas is always going to be different to having local parents, or even parents at a distance in the same country.

Gosh I'd hate those length of stays.

The problem is because theyve flown over they'll be at yours all the time. 3 weeks constant of my mother would ruin my post partum time. So intense. You need some time to learn how to be a 3 and time to recover.

You'll have local visitors, friends who'll want to visit too I guess?

I had every round within hours of birth and everyday with my first. I hated it. No visits of more than a hour in the first few weeks with my second and the difference was huge. My recovery mentally and physically was so so much better. Sometimes after a rough night you just want the day to chill and ignore house chores, not have pressure of people turning up and having to get dressed.

I felt much happier with DS1 and a lot of (short) visits from family than with Ds2 when family were further away. But that was easy family - I didn't see anyone I didn't want to, mostly friends who could be a bit difficult, I felt far too vulnerable and shell-shocked after a horrible labour and EMCS. Plus establishing breastfeeding was tough.

My PIL came from Canada a month after the birth and stayed for three weeks, it was lovely, but they were very good guests and not a burden.

Also everyone's desperate to visit in those early days but if they actually want to help then it's more useful a few months later. Newborns will just fall asleep anywhere, only you/dh should be feeding them breast or bottle at that age.

In a few months you'll want to be out and about, baby will want entertaining/rocking to sleep, your back will ache and that's when long term visitors are useful.

So if its their only visit for the year I'd be asking to push it back. If they're coming again in few months anyway then that's a different story.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience, you sound a lot like me and I think that's really good advice about actually thinking about what I am like when I am tired and feeling physically in pain, having a heavy period etc rather than trying to predict how I will feel with a newborn. I know what I would be like with the above and I won't be very good company or particularly interested in making conversation but would never want anyone to feel unwelcome so would force myself to put on a friendly happy face, which could lead to tears and a lot more anxiety during that time.

No bubble here either. I thought I’d want one, but I wanted to show off DS and just didn’t feel the need to cocoon away. Instead my poor FIL was subject to the midwife asking about my bowel movements at the day 1 visit.

But I absolutely wouldn’t have wanted visitors staying in the house and it was also important that me and DP got lots of time as a threesome to establish our crazy new dynamic.

Your experience sounds like the dream! The thing is, I may very well feel excited to get out to local cafes and meet up with loved ones and tell them about my birth etc. But that's totally different to hosting overseas guests I think. The bubble for me is more about protecting that downtime in our own space, feeling like if I am crying all day I don't need to suck it up because the in laws have just touched down at the airport and coming straight over.

Bubble? I've had 4 children and i wanted my parents and in laws to meet them as soon as they wanted to..... usually the same day or within a couple of days. Everyone is different though.

Yes thank you for understanding! It will be intense. I am hoping for the best and that she is her best self and not her problematic self. I am already feeling a bit lonely at the end of my pregnancy so I definitely don't want to be a recluse and would be delighted if friends care enough to want to meet our baby, but am trying to de-risk the postpartum period by maybe over doing the wait for parents to arrive just to be safe. Maybe I will feel fine after 3 days, but no guarantee and I guess it's much harder to tell people to delay their visit than happily let them know that actually they can come earlier if they wish.

I wouldn't have liked the pressure of having to commit to it before birth. I wouldn't have liked people staying over. We didn't tend to book things much in advance for the first week or so. Then we felt more confident to do so - we only 'booked' a few things though, like I threw a party for people to meet baby at 3w, so that was booked a couple of weeks in advance, and we went on holiday abroad with my second at 6w. Most things though, we just booked a day or two in advance or were quite impromptu.

It really depends on how much there are likely to just be sat in your house, or whether they are going to go sightseeing as well, and dip in and out with you.

I think you've done the right thing. If my parents lived nearby of course I would have wanted them to meet the babies straight away but they were also coming from overseas so we did similar to you, actually they only came both times when babies were over 1 month as that's just how the timing worked out. We had the 'newborn bubble' for two weeks and it was lovely. I think a couple of friends dropped in briefly during that time, it's a bit of a blur now, but I wasn't fussed either way. Once DH went back to work after two weeks I was more keen to see friends (no family in the UK) as I did feel lonely/bored during the day with the first one. I don't think you can tell family who are visiting from far away to limit their visiting hours once they are here, it's a bit rude/awkward and you don't know how you'll feel after the birth so definitely better to have them come once you're more settled.

Thanks so much for the reassurance! You’ve made me feel a lot better. I think you’re right about it being much tricker to limit visiting hours once they’re here so safer bet to just have them visit once I am much more likely to be able to handle visitors. Maybe I’ll feel up to it earlier than the dates we have chosen but better to be safe than sorry in this instance.

Op thinking about this a bit further.
Yes I absolutely think new born bubble is a load of tosh. I do think their is an urge to want to show the precious wee bundle off because nobody in history has produced a baby as cute as your own.

But that said its completely different showing your baby off to family who'll follow the unwritten rules of visiting for an hour and having visitors who'll be practically be living with you.

I'd leave your plans alone, and you can video call to show the LO off without them family being on top of you.

Thanks @Needanewname42 ! My panic is over and will leave plans as they are.

It sounds like you've really been overthinking it OP and Google hasn't helped.

The truth is, there is no set rule that works for everyone.
For me, personally, I really appreciated the extra help straight away as i was recovering from a section and not very mobile. Others i know wanted the bubble with their partners while they were on paternity leave and refused visitors for the first 2 weeks.

It's about when you feel you would benefit the most from the extra company and support, not what anyone on the Internet says. Your visitors will still be coming in the first month regardless which is still very early so I'm sure it'll work out absolutely fine.

I just wanted to update in case future new parents come across this thread. The newborn bubble was most definitely a thing for us and it was utter bliss to be our new little family with no visitors. All we wanted to do was stare at our new baby and she slept basically constantly so was really easy to manage just the two of us.

We had in laws arrive 12 days after birth and they were lovely but useless practically, the first day they visited they sat in the lounge for 5 hours and didn’t lift a finger, my DH had to run out to a bakery to buy everyone food as they didn’t bring anything at all, he spent the time making made endless cups of tea and lots of dishes to clean up at the end which they also didn’t help with. Can’t tell you how glad I was they didn’t arrive earlier than 12 days and we could definitely have waited a bit longer.

We are now almost three weeks in and DH back to work and can say that only now am I looking forward to mum visiting as I think/hope she will be help and company for me while I am alone in the day and hopefully she’ll be good with making healthy dinners etc - but also trying to keep expectations low after how the in laws panned out. 😂

I left it 3-4 months before my parents came (from abroad), mostly because I have a tricky relationship with them. My mum has very strong opinions, and I'm glad I left it that long as otherwise I feel her opinions would have muddied my own instincts. Do what's best for you.

Just seen your update! Big congratulations! Totally agree with the bubble.

My parents flew to me about 2 days before my due date and stayed for a week. They returned home as it was only a few days to Xmas. My sister flew out when baby was 2 weeks old. I don't get the whole baby bubble thing. In-laws visited me in hospital then at home a few days later.