If you had no help with a CS birth of a second child, what did you do?

[TheBeesKnee]

What I mean is, what did you do with your first child? How did things work out with you?

I have 3 realistic options but I'm not keen on any of them, so I'm interested to hear of anyone else has been in this situation and how they handled it.

I think my best case scenario is for my CS to be after 9am on a Monday or Tuesday so that we can drop toddler off at nursery and spend the day together with the new baby before DP picks him up and brings him in to meet his sibling then takes him home for bring and repeats the process for the 2/3 days I'll likely be in. It's not ideal because it would mean doing the nights alone and I was off my face after the first CS so I'm not sure how safe this would actually be either.

But if course I'm very aware that they could book me in for 6am towards the the of the week and then we'd be really screwed.

Just for information, my three options (and my issues with them) are:

1. Get my mum to move in for a few days to take the toddler to nursery etc. However, she is very overwhelming and all consuming. She never stops talking and everything is about her and her feelings. She interferes with absolutely everything and has really poor boundaries and it doesn't matter how many times I've spoken to her about it, it's in one ear and out the other. I just don't want to deal with that on top of everything. It is very draining.
2. Get my friend to move in for a couple of days to help with the nursery run. 6 months ago this would have been my preferred option; however, she is going through a really difficult time (ex is having a baby with someone else after they broke up because he "wasn't ready" for marriage and children) and I feel like this is asking too much, given what she is going through.
3. Hire a nanny? I wouldn't even know where to begin with this one or if you can for a short period of time.

All our other family live too far away, including abroad, to feasibly be of any help.

Id do the nursery and have a backup plan of your mum or friend. My DS was ill on the day of my CS and nursery wouldn’t take him. Luckily my friend dropped everything to help otherwise we’d have been screwed!

best of luck OP x

Also make a plan for labour or waters breaking prior to your section date. Your mum is probably the only option for that?

What’s the deal with DP?

I had a CS with DS, when DD was 20 months. DD went to nursery that morning so DH dropped me at the hospital, dropped her at nursery, came back and was with me. I did an overnight solo with DS and then DMum had DD at hers. Out the next day, DMum had DD overnight at hers so we had one night alone with DS and then come the next day we just cracked on as the four of us.

Our nursery were very flexible about dates DD would be in (wasn’t needed in the end but very reassuring) and if you’re in hospital I don’t think it’s awful to be alone overnight - you have the midwives? I know postnatal care can be poor but my first was during Covid so I’ve never really known having DH in hospital on night 1.

This. My waters broke 12 hours before my planned section - sods law. Was still able to go ahead with the CS though as I barely progressed.

Are you worried about the first week at home? sounds like DP can’t have paternity leave?

With regards to hospital bit my husband only came in for a couple of hours each day as he was looking after DC1 and I managed completely fine in the hospital and it was a bad c section second time around (crash section under GA) the midwives were nice and I just used the hospital bed buttons to get me in to sitting position in the middle of the night to feed baby etc

DD1 went to nursery as usual, DH and I went in to hospital, section was around 5pm in the end as we got our slot bumped a bit, my mum picked DD1 up from nursery (because we knew the date she drove up that morning as she lived 3 hours away) and gave her dinner and put her to bed, DH came home about 10/11pm. The next day DH, DD1 and my mum came in in the morning to meet the baby, they all went home again, my mum then went home, DH and DD1 came back in about 6pm to collect me and DD2 and we went home.

I'm not quite clear what the 'no help' thing means though. What's your DP situation? He can't take any time off? Sounds like he will be there for the birth though? Or he just can't take any time off subsequently?

You can hire a maternity nurse who will meet you at home when you get back from the hospital, take care of all the baby needs, bring you tea in bed etc. expensive but worth every penny!

I think she means immediately after the birth and the first night in hospital.

Ah I see. Partners weren't allowed to stay overnight for either of mine, once you were on ward from recovery they had to go home if it was night time.

Well, she lives a 2 hr drive away so not exactly at the end of the phone either!

But you're right, I hadn't considered going into labour early at all 😬

It will be okay. My mum was 2.5 hours drive away and I called her when contractions ramped up and she came and looked after DC1 for the day of birth. Went home afterwards

Mine slept on the floor the first time around and did all the nappy changes, walked around with the baby so that I could sleep and brought him to me to feed so that I didn't strain to the crib etc. Also helped me get out of bed when I needed to go for a wee etc.

Could your friend have your little one on the first night at her house? When I had my second, my first stayed at my friends on the first night. After that I sent husband home and managed with the help of the nurses. Is your DH taking paternity leave?

Yes he will be taking 2 weeks of paternity leave and then 2 weeks AL.

It's specifically the hospital time I'm worried about. I'm sure we'll be fine at home.

Friend lives an hour away and like I said I think it would be too much of an ask given what she's going through, almost rubbing her face in it?

I can absolutely understand your concerns. It’s strange posters here are assuming that there will be maternity staff on duty in hospital at night with the capacity or inclination to help you. Of course a prudent mother would hope to have the other parent there to pick up or change a newborn or hand them to you for feeding when your mobility is restricted.

The recent well publicised reports on maternity care in hospitals made it very clear that many women incapacitated following surgery are left in sole charge of a newborn with no or very limited help from staff.

I hope things work out well for you. Hopefully you’ll be in and out quickly.

Thank you so much! I was told to just ring if I needed anything but when I did ring they seemed almost annoyed if it wasn't an emergency. Also I'd have been ringing constantly if my partner wasn't there to pick him up and change him etc.

I hope it's quick too, I was in for 5 days with my first, which would honestly be nightmare if it happened again.

Isn’t this what your partner is for?

A friend had 2 year old while I was actually having my section (which did not go well/was not straightforward) then DH looked after 2 year old from then on.

Sorry what do you mean by "isn't this what your partner is for"?

I know peoples bodies react differently to birth etc but I was able to feed my babies and change their nappies both times after c sections?
my husband had to go home after the brith first time (covid) so I guess I didn’t really know anything else?
What I mean is that if your husband doesn’t stay overnight you will be okay. You have the baby next to you and the nappies within reach, a bottle of water next to you etc. you are up and walking the next day to get your blood moving and heal faster. You can do it!

I had a planned CS but laboured early. Section was 7pm, he had to leave at 9pm and then I was on my own until 4pm the next day when visiting hours were and I went home. It wasn’t my ideal situation but what is when giving birth!

I think she mean in the week or two after you have the baby, your husband looks after your older child and the housework etc

Is DP allowed to stay in hospital? I had 2 CS & DH was only allowed to come in for visiting times, he brought older ones for this but otherwise I was in hospital on my own ( enjoyed the time bonding tbh). We had no family nearby to help & older DC weren't in nursery at this stage.

Well yes, he will be once we are at home. He did all that the first time around and was wonderful.

My concern is the day of the CS and the day after/while I am in hospital.

My first was an EMCS after 2 days of induction. They then discovered that he had flipped and was footling presentation. I was only 1cm dilated as well!

So maybe I found it particularly difficult because I hadn't really slept in 2 days on the induction ward? I really struggled getting in and out of bed and needed a lot of assistance. I was ok walking around once I was up, but I really struggled with the transition. There were many tears.