If you had no help with a CS birth of a second child, what did you do?

[TheBeesKnee]

What I mean is, what did you do with your first child? How did things work out with you?

I have 3 realistic options but I'm not keen on any of them, so I'm interested to hear of anyone else has been in this situation and how they handled it.

I think my best case scenario is for my CS to be after 9am on a Monday or Tuesday so that we can drop toddler off at nursery and spend the day together with the new baby before DP picks him up and brings him in to meet his sibling then takes him home for bring and repeats the process for the 2/3 days I'll likely be in. It's not ideal because it would mean doing the nights alone and I was off my face after the first CS so I'm not sure how safe this would actually be either.

But if course I'm very aware that they could book me in for 6am towards the the of the week and then we'd be really screwed.

Just for information, my three options (and my issues with them) are:

1. Get my mum to move in for a few days to take the toddler to nursery etc. However, she is very overwhelming and all consuming. She never stops talking and everything is about her and her feelings. She interferes with absolutely everything and has really poor boundaries and it doesn't matter how many times I've spoken to her about it, it's in one ear and out the other. I just don't want to deal with that on top of everything. It is very draining.
2. Get my friend to move in for a couple of days to help with the nursery run. 6 months ago this would have been my preferred option; however, she is going through a really difficult time (ex is having a baby with someone else after they broke up because he "wasn't ready" for marriage and children) and I feel like this is asking too much, given what she is going through.
3. Hire a nanny? I wouldn't even know where to begin with this one or if you can for a short period of time.

All our other family live too far away, including abroad, to feasibly be of any help.

I think you’re being very considerate to your friend which is lovely but she might welcome it. Tell her your predicament and ask if she’s able to either come to you or you take baby to her. She might be happy to help you. We always assume we’ll be a burden when we ask for help but sometime it’s ok and people want to help.
From what I’ve heard recently they don’t keep you in unless really necessary and I know it’s hit and miss in terms of medical staff so I understand your worries.

To those who say they were fine to do everything after a section, surely not immediately? Im surprised that you were able to move enough to get to your baby in a hospital cot immediately after your section as for a good few hours after my emergency C-section my legs didn’t work well as I was still numb and shaky after the spinal anaesthetic and other drugs I’d been given. It would have been extremely hard for me to lift baby from base of the little plastic cot thingy over the side and over side my bed without risk dropping him. I certainly couldn’t have manoeuvred to have the dexterity to change the baby.

To look after your older child? Paternity leave. Are you thinking your partner (or friend even) is going to be able to stay with you the whole time you’re in hospital and therefore there will be no one to look after your older child?

My subsequent sections were nothing like the initial emergency one. I wasn’t exhausted after days of labour which helped!

DH was with me for the birth but then backward and forwards to hospital with toddler DC so wasn’t doing loads of baby stuff.

No partners could stay in hospital anyway so I did what I could myself and buzzed for help for stuff that I couldn’t do. They tried to shove me home after only one night with my third, so don’t be surprised if you’re not in there long!

How many nights did you manage to get the last time?

they shoved me home after 1 night the first time, I was a bit wiser second time and said I wasn’t ready to go home after 24 hours

I had a section with DC2. DC1 was 2.5. Dropped DC1 at nursery in morning. Arrived hospital 10am. Baby was born at 4pm. Mum picked DC1 up from nursery at 4pm. Kept him at home. DH left 8pm to go home be with DC1. I stayed in hospital with baby. We were totally fine. Day 2 DH took DC1 to nursery came to hospital picked DC1 up brought him to hospital to meet brother. Went home. Day 3 morning DC1 nursery again in morning DH came to hospital was discharged at 2pm. Was home for DC1 getting home from nursery. Then it was just crack on. We only had help on that first day. The rest we sorted between us

By the time I was moved from recovery to the ward I was mobile enough to get baby out of bedside cot etc., change nappies, etc. I was on my feet within six hours with first as that was hospital policy where possible, second they left catheter in overnight so I wasn't able to walk around until morning, but I could still reach DD2 fine. I had her on me for most of the night anyway (good thing about elective is I was well rested and not exhausted so could cuddle her most of the night!).

Is it planned? I think that makes all the difference because you're not knackered from a hard labour.

Mine was planed section I could feed dress and nappy change all fine. I could get in and out of bed.

Day four we were at the park all together. My recovery was excellent compared to
My shit show of vaginal birth and horrendous tear!

not immediately, I think I was in recovery bay for first 2-3 hours. Then moved to ward and was put right next to midwives bay so they popped in a lot but yeah I did use the electronic bed to sit up and I slowly shuffled my bum along the bed to get baby each time out the plastic cot. I just thought that’s what I had to do so I cracked on.

DH changed the first 2 nappies and I did most of the rest. No midwives did nappies for me.

They were kind and supportive with things and I think if I’d say I couldn’t they would have helped where they could.

first time I’d be in in labour over 36 hours and no sleep and no food for the last 12 hours of labour. I think I was just running on adrenaline and excitement.

If your last was an emergency section and this one an elective, it's likely to be a lot easier for you. I wouldn't worry about being "off your face" as ideally you will be well rested and prepared and able to deal with the pain better. I had an elective during covid and daughter was in nicu. I managed on paracetamol and was up walking within 3 hours of operation down to nicu which was a god send as it definitely sped up recovery. Of course everyone is different and it's good to have a back up, perhaps friend would feel comfortable if she knew it was only in worst case scenario?

My second was an unexpected C-section. On a Sunday morning.
Dh best friend ended up taking Ds home with him overnight Saturday night, then Dh went and got him later in the day Sunday. Monday he dropped Ds off to my best friend for the day. Then I was home the day after. Luckily it was a school holiday and I had a couple of weeks before needing to get Ds to school. Dh got one day off and a half day Tuesday when baby 2 was born.

Only 2, but they tried really hard to persuade me to go after just the one!

I went home 23 hours after my c section. Midwives helped overnight as I didn't have my emergency c section until gone 7pm and partner wasn't allowed on the ward. He came back in the morning stayed for the day brought dd1 to meet dd2 took her home and picked me up a bit later lol. He to work the following day. Me and baby just stayed upstairs till someone came home to help me down the stairs as I was a bit fragile at that point. My dd 1 isn't in nursery though so having your mum there might be handy.

A planned C-section is much easier than a EMCS.
I have had both! Was also off my face for the EMCS but not the planned!

I didn't have DH overnight for either. The first one was Covid and the second he had to go and get the toddler.

For both, I raised the cot to my bed height, so I could lean over and get the baby, it wasn't the easiest, but I managed.

I changed the baby on my bed, had things I needed close by!
Once I was mobilised (the next morning for both). I was able to get up slowly etc.

But if you have support from family / friends take it! If you are in hospital, you won't need to see much of your mum? 😂

Thanks for the tips!

So because my mum lives ~2 hours away and works full time she would likely need to book the time off work and stay at our house, and this would include the night before the CS.

It's difficult to explain, but she can't seem to behave herself for more than 3/4 hours at a time. She will make everything about herself, which is easy enough to ignore/disengage with. But then she will also start making needling remarks about my dad, the wider family, bitching about people basically and if I ask her to stop or try to change the subject she has a tendency to escalate and turn it into an argument about ME "taking his side" and so on. It's exhausting.

I just want a nice relaxing evening as a family of 3 for the last time and I can see how things would unfurl.

That being said I don't want to be a martyr and go into hospital by myself etc.

It's so hard, I wish I had better options.

If your having an elective, you'll be surprised how quickly you are able to move about etc.
My first was an emcs and I was destroyed, second was planned and during covid so my husband was only allowed to stay for an hour.
Prior to going down to theatre I explained to my midwife my anxiety about who would help me etc and they were wonderful.
I was up and about within hours of the c section as I wanted the catheter out.
On the day of the surgery, ds went to grandparents and then my husband picked him up and carried on with usual routine. Once home, I stayed in for a week to recover and it all went really well. Tbh I was waiting for that come down but it never happened.
Good luck with it.

The first scenario is exactly what we did but I only stayed one night I've had 3 sections and only ever stayed one night is there a reason you'll have to stay longer ? If you're section goes ahead at 9am you shouldn't need help overnight you'll be up and about by then just keep on top of pain meds

Second section dropped older child at nursery (they went all day) and my husband collected him and took him home, then repeated the next day and next. My DD was in NICU for three days so we were in four days total. It was ok if a little hard on my DH who wasn't used to getting son up and ready his own and then went to work after dropping oldest off then would leave work a bit early to come to the hospital before collecting him and doing the bedtime routine.
No parents or friends stayed - once I got home my DH started his paternity leave for two weeks and that helped, but I also recovered quickly.

I helped a few families as a nanny then I was at university. I had only a few classes a week (I could plan my homework myself) so I could step in and take care of the oldest/older child/children.
Worked great.
Parents didn't have to worry about us just the birth and new baby.

Surely you still had your catheter in the first night

Fathers weren’t allowed in the ward after 9pm

Why were you off your head after an epidural?

Dd went to friends house for a few hours then now exh went to pick her up and brought her to the hospital to meet her new brother
I was kept in the next day and discharged the morning after. Went straight from the hospital to B&Q and then the supermarket and hosted a barbecue in the afternoon

Baby was born at 3:30am, catheter was out before lunch. They wanted it out sooner but my legs were still numb.

I never had an epidural, not sure where you got that from, it was a spinal block. The paracetamol they gave me afterwards wasn't really cutting it so I was given oramorph to help with the pain I was in.

Fathers were/are allowed to stay 24/7 at my trust.

Glad to hear you had a much more straightforward experience.

As far as I know a spinal block and epidural are 1 and the same thing?

I get your worry with this, it’s not an easy thing to plan. A couple of things that you could think about:

Is it possible to book ds1 into nursery for the whole week the week of your section? It’s somewhere familiar and gives you more options.

Do you have any other friends that you could ask? It sounds like your best friend is going through a tough time but someone less close could also be an option here? I think most people would say yes to one night for a child being born.

Could your mum come but stay in a hotel the night before?

Would one of the nursery staff who ds knows well be interested in an overnight babysit the night of the section?

A quick Google will demonstrate that this is not the case.

This is also wholly not the point of my thread!

Thank you, some interesting points for consideration.