Birthing partner

[FriedaChin]

I have a great relationship with my son and daughter in law and her Mum too. Our son has just told me his wife wants her Mum as their birthing partner. He adores his mother in law but doesn't want her there. I am also quite upset by it too. I always just assumed it would just be our son at their first childs birth. After us all having such a wonderful past relationship and what should be a wonderful time to look forward to a big shadow has been cast. I haven't spoken with my dil as regards this new information. I have always been supportive of her choices but this is so devicive. I am in a bit of shock tbh. Any advice? Thank you.

Does she want her mum instead of your son or both?

Don’t see the issue with the latter at all.

It's not yours or his birth.
It's hers.
She and she alone gets to decide who is holding her hand, mopping her brow and supporting her.
Stay out of it and you'd be wise to tell your son to do the same.

It's her birth!!!!

"I always imagined it would just be our son", what a weird way to think.

She gets the final say.

It’s ultimately up to the woman. Plenty of women have their mothers there. It’s not unusual. The mother is likely to be more helpful than a man as well. At least they know what’s going on 😂

The woman who is giving birth gets to decide who attends, and no one else gets to voice an opinion. Her birth, her choice.

Why should talk to dil? It's none of your business.

You should tell your son to support his wife 100% and accept her mother being present if she wants her too. His wife does all the hard work. Respect her wishes!

Come on OP, don't be silly, no matter how much a woman loves her MIL it's going to be her own mother she wants at the birth of her first child.
Really you are being ridiculous.
Just support her choices.

You can’t imagine her being ok with being fully naked and vulnerable infront of her own mum, but not her MIL? Really?

You're in shock? I think you're jealous you're not in there really. Be honest op, you're annoyed you didn't get asked to. At the end of the day it's up to your Dil. If your son wants to tell his wife he would prefer it just them that's ok but stay out if it. No good can come from you getting involved here, your good relationship with Dil will disappear

It's up to your dil to decide who she wants/needs to be with her whilst giving birth and perfectly natural to want her own mother there - am assuming your son will be there too?

I'm a 'mil' with grandchildren and would
have understood and been happy if my dil wanted her mum there along with my son.

Very unclear. Is your son not allowed in or does she want him AND her Mother?

I had my Mum in for two of my briths (middle was in Covid so only one person-my DH)

honestly my husband was wrecked from working all day then having to stay up all night. All three times he slept for 3 hours in the chair. My Mum didn’t move from my side and was more helpful (helped she used to be a midwife and had had her own children and labours too)

It is her decision. Keep your nose well out of it and stop making it about you. It’s about her feeling safe, supported and relaxed and having a positive birth and healthy baby.

"I always imagined it would just be our son there", it's clear she's angry because it'll be son + his MIL

I always just assumed it would just be our son at their first childs birth.

I find it weird that you've given it any thought.

Personally I'd have found having my mother there a complete nightmare but plenty of women do choose it, and that's fine.

So you're jealous 😳

I think you need to give your head a wobble you are being ridiculous

It’s not about him, it’s her birth and if she wants her mum there then he should support her in that choice, she needs to go into the birth in a positive mindset and everything she feels she needs to have the best birth possible including her choices of birth partners

That’s what I assumed but want OP to come back and clarify is she really is being as ridiculous as I think she is

@Thunderpants88 I think this will be a case of OP not getting the response they want so not coming back

Thanks for all your advice. I'm new to posting and have realised a few lines don't give a clear picture. I am not jealous of my daughter in law or her relationship with her Mum.
Our son and his wife have a very supportive relationship with each other and have been through a lot together, including miscarriage. Us and my daughter in laws parents have always been there when they need us but never interfered or pushed our opinions.
I have a great relationship with my dils Mum too. I have also been of the line it's your body, your chouce with my dil, so I do respect her decisions. Our son has told us his wife has taken advice from a friend who had her Mum with her at the baby's birth. He has the upmost respect for his wife and her choices and decisions and as much as he respects and loves his mother in law, she does not handle pressure well and can be a bit of a flapper She also had two very difficult births. He feels her being with them at the birth...yes he is going to be there, will actually cause more stress to his wife and their baby. I will take kindly advise the advice not to say anything to my daughter in law and respect what happens and look forward to our new grandchold.

@FriedaChin respectfully his opinion on what he thinks his MIL will do is irrelevant. His wife wants her there so he supports that.

@itwasnevermine respectively to you, if he feels his mother in law will have a negative effect on his wife and the baby's birth and has their health and interest at heart he surely has right to an opinion? I am all for the rights of women...I'm one myself! But surely Dad's have rights too? That's a whole new argument I know!

@FriedaChin oh do grow up. Of course he has rights but when it comes down to who's going to be in the room, that's on his wife. It's her choice.

I hope this is a reverse!

I have never felt so frightened, distressed, and in pain as during transition of both my labours and the births themselves (both ventouse) come close seconds. There is nobody I wanted there for all that really except my DH however I think it's fantastic that some people have other people they have such a close relationship that they'd like there to support them. You could be the best MIL in the world but you surely can't be comparing yourself and your role to that of her own DM?! This is nothing to do with you at all, stay out of it.

I actually wish that there was someone else I felt comfortable enough to have at my births tbh - to support DH. The experiences were pretty unpleasant for him tbh and he could have done with support himself but there wasnt anyone.

@itwasnevermine you seem to be a very aggressive person.

@FriedaChin no I just think the fact you're so upset by this is ridiculous. Your DIL has made her choice, just respect that? If it ends up being detrimental the midwifery team will step in, or she'll learn not to do it next time.

No. Dad's don't have rights whilst the baby is still inside a woman's body.

If her mum is being a negative influence your son can diplomatically show her hoe to calmly support the labouring mother.
If this doesn't help the midwives will step in.