Have you ever lied to the health visitor about postnatal depression, if you did, why?

[briarrose]

I was just reading an article in Sunday's Observer about this mum that had PND, and lied to the HV in the desperate hope that the HV would see through it and offer help. Sounds crazy, but I remember doing that, I just didn't want to admit I needed help, I thought it would mean I didn't love my baby, but I wanted someone to offer the help. Anyone know where i'm coming from?

If anyone's interested here's the link to the article

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2270535,00.html#article_continue

When I'd had ds3 my HV turned up with a questionnaire that went;
Are you a) happy
b) unhappy
c)unable to cope?

I think most people would tick a) - i did, i'd be scared the baby would be taken away otherwise, regardless of how i was actually feeling.

Hi biarrose

Yes rings true for me. Pre-ds I was a coper and worked in a caring profession. I did not ask for help, I supported others.

Every week after DS was born, I went to the clinic and was clearly struggling (looking back through the notes in my red book it is obvious that DS was unsettled and I was very anxious), but I didn;t ask for help, and when asked made out that I was fine. I was desperate for someone to take me to one side and ask me, properly, if I was alright, and to 'take charge' of the situation.

It makes me sad and very angry that nobody asked me how I was coping or offered to help. I think better continuity of care post-natally would help. I saw different HV's in busy clinics amd all they cared about was weight and bf.

Surely everyone lies on that questionnaire because the questions (and the idea of having a questionnaire to see if you have PND) are so crap?!

Yes I lied

Had dreadful PND with DS1, lost the first 9 months of his life to it

Wish I had asked for help, DP marched me to the Dr in the end.

Unfair to expect anyone outside of the family to intuit that there is a problem though

I think the questionnaire is a crap attempt by the government, or health service to look like they are doing their job.
I also think the shortage of health visitors doesn't help.
Fortunately I had a consistent health visitor, who could see I was struggling even though I didn't admit it, and visited me as my health visitor even when she moved to another area. It was that consistency and trust that I had in her that finally made me speak up. She could clearly see I had a problem and just supported me until I felt like I wanted to talk to her about it. What a shame that this is so rare though. I really don't think you would find HVs so committed now. Not saying there isn't, just that in my personal and professional experience, it is rare.
I personally found that once I was feeling a bit better, peer/other parent support (parents groups/mumsnet) influence me more that professionals do.
I wish for all those mums that felt as I did, that they could have a health visitor as good as mine. It could have been a lot worse otherwise

i was lucky in that my midwife picked up on my AND very quickly and started teh wheels in motion to get support. my HV has been great about it - very supportive and we didnt even do teh edinburgh scale questionnaire as she said she could just tell that things still werent great. i didnt feel i had to lie as it was all out in the open anyhow. i can see though that it is so difficult and well on nigh impossible for some to actually open up and say how things really are. family and friends need to be able to see past all that and act on someones behalf if they are struggling.

i also feel i have lost a fair whack of the past year. sadly dh has too because of it.

I do see your point boysarelikedogs, but then health visitors are trained to spot certain signs of PND, because for those isolated without family or friends, as I was, HVs may be their only chance. But yes, it is tough for them I agree, there is no sure way of seeing those signs, especially if the mum is determined to hide them. This is why I think the answer is more HVs so that parents can have consistency, one HV for the duration, and preferably one who can visit before the baby is born to build up a wider picture.

I was the same as you, didn't bond with my DD until 9 months, what changed with you? was it a sudden thing?
my DD1 was in hospital, and it was the first night I had ever stayed away from DD2, and it was then that I felt that super human love, I missed her so much that night, then I knew it was OK, I can even remember the moment and the feeling, even though DD is now 9.
Horrid thing though (not my DD!!!! the PND!!!)

i lied because i thought theyd take my children away or think i was a bad a mother as i felt i was.that was with first 2 children.with 3rd from about 15 weeks pregnant i warned them about how id felt before and said if i had a single tear id be banging on the hv door,i was going to beat it.but i never got it with third

glad your third was OK cheesesarnie. How long did it last with your 1st 2 then? where did you get the support from? this is a debate i'm having at uni, although my HV was fab, since then I think other parents and friends have provided more support, because you're more likely to listen to people who have been there and done that

briarrose- with first she was only 3 months when i got pregnant again so pnd and pregnancy hormones all way through till ds1 was born-think then lasted till he was maybe 1 or 1.5?do you mean support with them or after 3rd?with first 2 it was mostly hv,as my family didnt quite get it!it was pull your socks up your not first person to have a baby,mustnt take pills as thats wrong too.with third as i said i asked for help well before i needed it and so hv was ready!but amazingly i was more than fine!i decided i had to get out the house rain or shine(mostly rain as was december) and i had to dance and sing although i can do neither!i told people i needed helprather than asking for it.

You lie, because the hvs are often jobsworths and new mums who are feeling isolated dont really trust them. I definately felt they were there to give you hoops to jump through.

I was the same as Briarrose. DH whisked me to doctor though when I called him at work to tell him I was thinking of smothering DS as I could not cope anymore

HV never followed up on it - she was absolutely useless. GP fortunately had bit of nouse. Not sure where PND or "baby blues" but it was very acute.

The questionnaire was pathetic. The HV should be able to answer those questions from "chatting" to you, observing you with baby etc

I can't remember precisely what questions they asked, only they asked the WRONG questions and at the WRONG time.

Yet I was a obvious candidate for pnd: traumatic delivery & poor aftercare, postpartum infection, failed breasfeeder, mastitis, colicky & jaundiced baby with problems feeding; no family apart from dh...

I think if anyone had said to me, you seem a bit down I would have burst into tears; but no one did.

I told my mw I couldn't sleep, I could still hear the buzzers in hospital and babies crying when there weren't any, but my mw did brisk and jolly, happier when I said things were good so I didn't mention it again.

My dh knew I had a tough day and would have ds after work while I escaped from ds for a bit, but pnd didn't cross dh's mind, nor mine. I told myself I was a bit low, it was a bit tough, bound to be expected if you're alone all day with a baby etc...

But if someone had said to me, here I'll have baby and give him a loving home, you just pretend it's been a bad dream and go back to your old life, I think I would have handed him over .

I think it is quite hard to be honest with yourself after the birth. If it is your first, you are not sure what to expect so how can you be sure that they way you feel is not 'normal'. Even if it was not your first, it can be different each time. I was depressed but thought it was normal and wanted to try to deal with it on my own. I just thought I was very tired and things would get better soon. A year later I did go to the doctor after I had burst into tears at a clinic and the HVs had expressed concern.

I also used to think that PND was a special sort of hormonal depression. I suppose it can be in some cases but often it is no different to any other depression. I didn't think the way I felt qualified as PND so I played it down.

yes i lied to 2 health visitors.
One saw through it though. She came around a few days later and listened to my crap lies and then said 'it's ok to cry you know..to admit you can't do it'
I thought i would never stop crying that day

BALD - I agree, people outside the family shouldn't be expected to intuit that something is wrong. There should be systems, processes and training in place to ensure that intuition isn;t required to make a diagnosis or identify that additional support is required.

Relying on intuition is a fairly pants way of delivering a health service is it not?

skyatnight - yes - I had no idea whether what I was feeling was standard for all new mums. That is why we need healthcare professionals to make the judgement for us. A professional judgement based on spending time talking to us and using clinical skills to determine whether we have PND.

I lied to HVs and myself after DS2.

Edinburgh thing is a pile of crap imo. If they did it in a private room or part of the clinic i think a lot more women would be honest rather than admit how they feel in a room full of other women who-outwardly at least- appear to be perfect.

I asked for help when dd about 6 weeks old as I couldn't stop crying and thought I couldn't cope/didn't know what to do. My family live 250 miles away and kept telling me I was just tired!!! Mine was triggered by dd having to spend first week in SCBU after a lovely homebirth (illness nothing to do with hb but v serious) and me spending that week a complete emotional wreck. Still upsets me thinking about it.
Still took 2 wks to see someone about it as my hv was going on mat leave, but then my new hv has been great. Feel much better now - dd 9 mths, although I could quite happily have given her away last week. Thankfully bad days are not so often, but I do still put off going out, or rush home without doing everything I had intended, if I am getting stressed or dd unsettled.
I also feel that PND has robbed me of what should have been the best time with my dd.

Would any of you have responded to a visit from another parent? not necessarily someone you knew, but another mum, as opposed to a HV, it's just that I saw this sort of thing advertised in my local health centre and wondered if it would actually work. I think it's called home start, and it's where parents volunteer their time to go to see other parents/mums at home and chat etc. It sounds nice, but I don't know how I would have responded to a stranger.
I think child birth should be a family affair (in an ideal world! couldn't stand my mother around me for any length of time - she helpfully informed me when I was pregnant that child birth is the closest you come to death, other than illness, accident etc. Gee, thanks Mum, I was 19 at the time too )
I have this romantic notion of living in an extended family with mums, aunties, sisters doing all the hard, messy jobs, and me with my baby in a hammock just enjoying motherhood I think that's the key!
Seriously speaking though, I wonder about the incidences of PND in extended families, and i'm not talking about busy body MILs!

A bit of background:
DS1 born not breathing, he turned out to have contracted Strep B ( waters broke at 8pm at night, long long labour, baby born 5pm the next evening) Two weeks in Special care, failed BF after expressing for a fortnight, found lump in my neck, had thyroidectomy when DS was 9 months old.

HV was rubbish

Dothiepin (old fashioned ADs) sorted me out

Sorry for essay

I didn't "get" the questionnaire I was meant to fill in honestly with ds1.
I'd never met the woman in my life before. She was obviously short of time and over-efficient.
I couldn't believe the questions for a start. They seemed to really over simplify the reality and were just concerned with me "the mother" and not the whole person. I also couldn't believe she just sprung it on me expecting it to be done there and then with her watching me and my MIL earwigging.
Just reading the questions through made me want to curl up in a ball and cry some more. I felt so fragile there was no way I could do it. So I pulled the shutters down and answered the questions as I thought the time-starved hv wanted them answered so she could tick that box.
I'd been ill during my pregnancy, had a traumatic experience after I'd given birth, felt totally battered and bruised, had had a few totally stressful/sleepless days/nights and life wasn't the rosy picture I might have imagined it would be for a whole host of other reasons (no job, no money, new house which we'd barely made any headway on making into our home and no money now to do it anyway, no friends, let alone renegotiating how our relationship was going to work). Even now I wouldn't say it was PND but it was some form of depression I think. I didn't recognize any part of myself anymore compared to a year earlier.
The questionnaire was largely irrelevant to my situation and in a way that was what hurt most. It was so centred on my new role as "mother". There were maybe a couple of questions which related to the bigger picture, but explaining it was impossible for me at that stage particularly to someone who didn't have the time to want to know (iykwim). I'm still trying to figure out some of the issues which gawped so horribly at me back then (ds1 is now 4.5).
Then I couldn't believe how child-centred my new life was meant to be. No-one asked after me and what I was interested in any more. Ds1 and his achievements were centre-stage. I felt a bit of a freak parent until dh discovered mumsnet and lent me his computer. That's when everything started to clear again.
There's a whole machinery of baby clinics and baby massage classes, bf clinics etc. to touch everyone but the quality of that contact is terrible. In fact they should concentrate on getting to know you properly beforehand and having the time to spend with you afterwards. I actually feel a bit sorry for the majority of my friends who have still to do the whole parenting thing.
(Coo that was cathartic!)

BALD - that sounds really traumatic. My ds had reflux and tongue tie and screamed for months.

See, to my mind these things are risk factors that should be flagged up to HV's and initiate a proper (not Edinburgh Test) assessment of your mental health.

If they systematically identified those most at risk they would be able to focus limited resources in the right place.