Have you ever lied to the health visitor about postnatal depression, if you did, why?

[briarrose]

I was just reading an article in Sunday's Observer about this mum that had PND, and lied to the HV in the desperate hope that the HV would see through it and offer help. Sounds crazy, but I remember doing that, I just didn't want to admit I needed help, I thought it would mean I didn't love my baby, but I wanted someone to offer the help. Anyone know where i'm coming from?

If anyone's interested here's the link to the article

lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2270535,00.html#article_continue

Blimey BALD and YH, you really went through the mill, please don't apologise for the "essay" BALD, as YH says, it's cathartic. I think the good thing about this site is that you can remain anonymous, but I haven't met anyone on here yet that has made me feel bad about any problems I have posed. This is, everyone who replies to posts is replying from experience, not text book like some HVs

I bloody love this site! I'm gonna be using a reference to this site in my uni essay, I think if this was available to more people early on, it would help so many.

YH you made a great point that I entirely agree with about a HV getting to know the parent/mum before the birth and actually developing a (working) relationship with them.

I have worked with some HVs recently, and the way they skimmed over visits was shocking, asking closed questions like "so you're okay then" "so you haven't got any problems then"
But then the flip side of this was that they had not only their case load but the case load from another clinic also.

I lied - albeit very badly and although HV were obviously concerned they didn't really follow up. I was in a mess but to the outside world probably looked like I was doing OK which was my downfall.

I lost 6 months to a total purple haze - DD was just the most unsettled baby ever bless her, God those were dark days.

so mcnoodle, did you get pnd then? poor you and baby being tongue tied, sounds like a stupid question, but how did you know he had tongue tie? was it obvious to look at? how was it fixed?

I agree Briarrose - even when I was asked how I was doing it there was this underlyiing assumption that everything was ok. Closed questions, prefacing the question with a comment on DS being healthy. At no point did anyone sit me down, look me in the eye, and ask how I was feeling, or give me permission to cry and ask for help.

I am a strong, feisty bird - no way was I going to walk into a clinic and break down infront of all those other women who looked so competent. They should ask - surely that's their job?

Yes i lied for about 3 months, till dp pushed me to go to the doctors, i did not want to admit to anyone how i was feeling not ven dp at first, when the hv used to visit my house used to be spotless, washing on etc it was all a cover up.

I lost the 1st 8 months of dd's life to pnd & still even more after but the 1st 8 months were horrific.

I lied with DD even tho' I liked my HV very much. I was ashamed of the fact I felt so low and was so bad at being a mother. I also believed that what I was feeling was pretty normal and if everyone else could cope, I should too.

With DS I told the truth, I knew by then (I'd plunged into the PND so suddenly) that what I was feeling wasn't 'normal'. I was desperate to do that test 2nd time around.

Sorry x-post.

Yes, had horrendous PND - the first 6 months to a year of DS's life were the worst of mine. I still feel sad and angry about it now (he is 3 and I am better).

I was determined to bf. I don't 'do' failure, and even though it was agonising, ds fed ALL the time, he was in pain, nobody thought to check for tongue tie. I now know these symptoms are absolutely typical. When he was 5 months old and I was still battling on with bf a HV came out to see me. I was a mess, DS was a mess, we just cried and cried. She diagnosed PND and then checked ds. She looked in his mouth and said 'do you know he has a tongue tie'?

By then he had stretched it himself so it didn;t need to be corrected. But if it had been noticed at birth, who knows, better feeding, happier baby, no PND.

and

well you'd think so wouldn't you mcnoodle. Seemed to me when I worked with some recently that they were just going down their list checking them off to make sure they finished on time.

It's such a shame that so many women lose months from their baby's first year, because the "professionals" can't or won't investigate further.

I still feel an incredible sadness and sense of guilt when I look back to DD2s first 9 months. It's only reading all your posts now that I don't feel such a freak. Previously I thought PND only lasted weeks. I felt ashamed to admit to friends that it wasn't until DD2 was 9 months that I really bonded. I soooo made up for it after that though, the guilt of not feeling close to her made me glue her to my hip until she could walk!!! I didn't really notice that i was doing it though, until a couple of years ago a friend said "Oh I remember when she (DD2) was a baby, she was just glued to you wasn't she" and I thought was she? wasn't a problem though, and she's relatively normal now!!!!

Got to go do nursery run - good thread - will check in later....

OMG mcnoodle, that's horrendous! you were totally let down, I would have felt so so angry. PND is one thing, but that poor babe! and you too! Did you manage to shout at anyone about it?

I suffered depression when I was younger, and so was determined to 'protect' myself from PND when DS was born 2 yrs ago. I put a lot of effort into appearing fine and capable, but the truth is I found the first year very hard.

I was moody, weepy, exhausted, couldn't relax etc. But I don't think it was PND, prob a lot to do with sleep deprivation (DS was not a fan of sleeping thro the night, still isn't really) and loneliness, the loss of my old life - which is what it felt like at the time. A few times I remember walking along the street weeping pushing the buggy and desperate for another person to just say hello to me as I hadn't spoken to anyone all day.

The HV came to visit once when DS was 6 weeks old and I did the whole 'I'm fine' act, because she was a complete stranger and I'd had enough of health professionals stressing me out by that point. I had a straightforward homebirth but breastfeeding got off to a rocky start and we were hospitalised within a week as DS was jaundiced and losing weight. He was then called back to the hospital regularly for reams of blood tests.

I then never went to the clinic run by the HVs, but did occasionally get DS weighed at the bf support group. The HV got back in touch again when DS was 10 months old to do another check. She told me how worried she'd been about me at the 6 week check, but that I didn't seem to want any help. This made me cry in front of her and I was embarrassed .

I don't know what the answer is. I didn't mean to type so much and am feeling a bit emotional now so think I will stop...

sorry havent read all thread so apologies if i am repeating points already made.

with dd i had a fantastic health visitor. honestly, she was the most wonderful woman and experienced professional and she really saved me from pnd- i owe her so much. she took so much time over me, came home a couple of times, stayed over for hours on end etc. when dd was maybe 6 weeks she said to me right we have to do this questionnaire- and talked me through it etc, explaining what it was. she said to me very openly and calmly- there is no point about lying, this is NOT about how good a mum you are and you don't "pass" or "fail". i think it took us about one hour to go through 10 questions, she followed up on each answer and really got to the bottom of it. as a result what could have been a simple box ticking exercise really did do a lot of good and got me to open up about things i was really scared of. she said to me in the end- you're borderline, but you are a strong intelligent woman and i will watch over you closely and you will be fine.

sadly she retired when dd was 4 months old.

compare this to a friend who had a new baby recently- the hv just gave her the questionnaire, she said compile it and drop it off at the clinic. i mean ffs.

i don't knwo what hvs get paid, or what their workload is. i suspect it's very little of the former and too much of the latter. but surely if they choose to go in that profession is because they must care a little bit- so why not do their jobs properly, and get something back out of it?

i also had a wonderful gp at the time who also really helped me through those difficult times... she mvoed to wilthsire more or less at the same time. i am lucky to have had them both but also conscious of how awful the standard of care normally is...

Ds1 is 8 now, I still feel that we lost the time together, but heigh ho onwards and upwards and all that.

Never, EVER want to be in that dark place again

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