Your funny birth stories

[Aglassaday]

To lighten up a topic that can be scary for many, what’s your funniest birth story?

Embarrassing for me but funny to my family was In labour for ages 5 failed epidurals and the room was full of young students midwife's or nurses or what ever and as I gave birth I pooped and not gunna lie it stunk so bad my sister was sick in the bucket where they place the placenta 😂😂 even the doctor opened the window and was holding his nose 😂😂😂 I'm over it now but I couldn't talk about it for months I cringed so bad !! First time for everything aye I always advoided eye contact while on the ward x

My last baby 10 years ago.

I stayed at home as long as I could so by the time I got to the hospital I was in full blown labour and losing the plot slightly! Got onto the bed where everything just ramped up and I was too late for anything except G&A.

Suddenly the head and foot of the bed started going up and down and the midwife was just looking at me, it felt like it went on for ages and eventually I started yelling at my dh to "stop fucking around" and to get out if he wasn't going to help!! Turns out when I was gripping the side of the bed I was pushing the buttons, husband wasn't doing anything it was all me 😬

This has made me die😂😂.
Can so imagine would take years to live down

Still think it was DH’s fault even if you were the one pushing the buttons!

When in doubt blame DH!

Having dc 3 my dm was looking after dc1 and 2...except she fell on the school run and ended up in A and E. No mobile phone back then so my mate's dh took her in and came to the ward to let me know. Wasn't visiting time and he had to persuade the mw he was a 'close personal friend'. Tongues wagged I heard.
And I discharged myself with dc 3 and took him to collect dc 1 and 2 from school at 6 hours ils..
Looking back I should have been fucking fuming ils didn't offer.. They lived in the school street...

Arriving in all fours in the back of a car, midwife in the front with DH. I was supposed to be having a home birth, but it all stalled with me at 9cm, midwife ran inside to get a wheelchair, DH and MW got me in a weird side saddle position in the wheelchair; DH went to park the car, MW wheeled me to the automatic door, which had closed and locked. She had to wheel me right to the other side of the hospital, across all the horribly uneven paths/roads, and through the Saturday late night A&E.

I was so high as a kite on diamorphine, I kept forgetting which hand was holding the gas+air and sucking on the fingers of the opposite hand instead.

I got into hospital in quite advanced labour - straight in to get checked and the midwife was concerned my waters may have broken already as she could feel less fluid than normal- she questioned me if I had noticed any fluid 'leaking' I said that I had been to sainsburys the day before and thought I had wet myself getting back home as a lot of liquid in the pad in my pants - she said I will break your waters and we can see if it's a normal amount or less than normal - she does this- a big gush of waters appears and she gleefully exclaims "you must have just pee'd yourself yesterday! Wonderful! " I felt a little bit

There is this hilarious thread in classics you might like 😆

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/263007-funniest-bit-of-childbirth

I'm pretty sure I left my knickers on the floor of the room I was in on the midwifery led unit. I laboured there alone with DH for about 4 hrs as they told me I was only 3cm on admission so wouldn't offer care but let me stay. Hours later after DH attempting multiple times to ask a midwife to see to me, they suggested doing a VE, so I took my knickers off and flung them on the floor. It turns out I was 8cm so not surprising that I was in severe pain with no pain relief, and I was pretty distressed. They told me then I needed transferring to delivery suite due to being reclassified as high risk as I was awaiting a growth scan, so DH and midwife helped me into a wheelchair and midwife put a sheet over my legs and off we went.

It wasn't until after the birth etc I was looking around for the knickers I'd come in and couldnt find them anywhere. Was too embarrassed to ask the staff!

When the midwife broke my waters with the crochet hook thingy, she wasn't expecting the gushing torrent that ensued. It went all over her feet and unto her shoes. I remember the sound of her feet squelching away as she went to dry off and change (accompanied by a not very sotto voce "fuckin' 'ell!")

Poor trainee trying to give me my induction shot, was so nervous at tying to insert something into my vagina that he squirted half the dose into the air before he could get to me. My induction took 5 days of doses and I knew that day wasn’t going to move anything forward. Was very hard trying not to laugh as he was trying so hard.

I'm not sure it's "funny" but a vessel in the umbilical cord ruptured when I had DS1 and blood spurted everywhere: all over the midwife, the floor, up the walls, everywhere. It looked like the Hammer House of Horror. The midwife said she'd never seen that happen before.

I was convinced I'd done a poo when I was having DD and the midwife wouldn't tell me. I kept asking and eventually they told me I had. Ex told me it was thin and flat like a quaver cos DD's head was so big. A quaver poo.

When the bed was elevated, I had just had a swig of gas and air and genuinely thought I was levitating.

When I had ds2 I was advised by a lady from antenatal classes to get a cheap dressing gown from Primark in a dark or bright colour so blood stains wouldn't show and I could throw it out afterwards if it got wrecked. Anyway I transferred from home to hospital at 4cm dilated and waters leaking everywhere, wearing this bright pink dressing gown. I refused point blank to take my dressing gown off (because that would make the Labour real - goodness knows why I thought I could avoid Labour by keeping my dressing gown on!) I hadn't thought to prewash my dressing gown so the he was leaking when my waters were leaking and the sheets were going bright pink. The student midwife thought it was great and said they should have all the sheets in Labour ward that colour!

Same baby, the midwife came in when I was mid contraction and asked me for my date of birth. I just said leave me alone and carried on making mooing noises. Dh helpfully told them but in his panic he gave them his brother's date of birth instead of mine. I wouldn't have minded but bil is a year older than me and I was outraged that dh had told everyone that I was a year older than I actually was!

With ds1 he was born at home and I spent ages beforehand making a mix tape for my labour. When I was actually in Labour I found I didn't care at all so just told dh to put on whatever music he wanted. The midwife came in about half an hour later and told dh that the Lord of the rings soundtrack was far to depressing and he needed to put on something more cheerful. He asked me what I wanted while I was mid contraction and I just groaned at him. The midwife told him off for talking to him mid contraction so he panicked and put on agadoo!

After doing most of my labour at home (by my request), due to possible complications I had an ambulance blue light me to hospital. At one point my dh was holding the gas and air thing in my mouth, whilst the paramedic was checking the business end (it was quite possible I would be giving birth in the ambulance). When a car pulled out in front of the ambulance, the driver slammed his brakes on, my dh almost put the gas and air thing through the back of my throat and the paramedic ended up with his head halfway up my fanny. I found it completely hilarious and was giggling my head off whilst being wheeled on a stretcher through A&E.

Thankfully dd was born with no issues 5 mins after arriving at hospital. The paramedic came to see us, and proclaimed he'd been the first to meet dd in the ambulance

Spent most of my labour off my t**s on gas and air "singing" the Casualty theme tune 😁

Nearing end of my home birth I suddenly became very concerned that I hadn't been a good enough host to the two midwives. So I started fussing about making them tea and would they like a flapjack I'd baked yesterday etc.
I remember leaning forward while kneeling, and just sitting up suddenly to ask whether they take sugar, because I needed to make them tea.
According to DH I was basically insisting that they simply must have some tea!

I was deliriously high on all sorts of pain drugs when the anaesthetist came in to give me an epidural. For some reason, I asked him, accusingly, "Are you Lev Stephenson?" to which he looked confused and said "No..."

I don't know anyone by that name so I'm not sure what I was on about.

Off my head on gas and air while having DS3, I started wailing that I wanted to go home.

Which would've been understandable, except that I was having a home birth.

Soooooooo funny 🤣
Has really made me chuckle and cheered me up

I'm a Midwife - once I was talking a lady through the induction of labour process but there was a GIANT moth flying around the room. I was trying to have a professional discussion but was flinching every time the moth came near me. Eventually the lady said "one sec", stood up and got the moth with a big CLAP and went "carry on!"

Me...

When I delivered my firstborn after about an hour of cuddling /BFing him I asked how much he weighed.

The midwife laughed at me and said he was delivered then passed straight to me (as per my birth plan) so he hadn't been weighed yet.

No idea why I thought he'd been weighed as I was wide awake for the whole thing! 🙈😂

I had a few really loud farts inbetween pushes and my mum kept telling me off for them like they weren’t caused by the pressure of baby’s head and completely out of my control.