Should I visit if not invited yet

[Bodacia]

My daughter has just had her first baby and is still in hospital after a lengthy birth. She has said not to visit until she is home, which may be a few more days (4 days now). I think she is controlled by her partner, who often invents reasons why we should not call in, such as he is tired or not well . They live a short distance away. I feel maybe that I should go anyway? Opinions please?

Without knowing whether she is being controlled or you are just overstepping it’s impossible to give advice. What makes you think she’s being controlled?

Absolutely do not turn up unannounced.

Ask her again if she'd like you to pop in. If she says no then it's a no.

I wanted my mum (and dad) to visit straight away.. it’s not fun being in hospital for a few days after birth

could you call her and see what she says. Maybe in the evening or early morning when she’s more likely to be on her own.

Do not show up at the hospital uninvited. I would have broken down in tears if someone showed up. I was so tired. The last thing I wanted was a visitor.

The first few days with a newborn is stressful enough without people randomly dropping by unannounced. Wait until you’re invited.

'since you are in hospital longer than planned, can I come and visit you there? If not, let me know once you are home when I can come and see you and baby'

Please don't go yet, abide by your daughter's wishes or you might feel worse

A phonecall might be at an inconvenient time too, maybe better to whatsapp

I have tried but she doesn't answer her phone.

If she’s not answering her phone she probably wants leaving alone. He won’t be with her all day so she could answer if she wanted to. Do you text her to ask how she is? Does she reply?

Occasionally replies, but only text.

Maybe she asks her partner to keep you at a distance, he’s not necessarily controlling?

I think it's him, he never likes us to visit their house either.

Please don’t show up OP. Talk to her at a later date about how you feel her partner may be controlling her but maybe don’t bring up the birth - this may have totally been her choice.

I know many people who opted for no visitors. I’ve asked for no one except my partner and my mum to be allowed near me after birth until I am home. This is only because I’m a whiny “I want my mommy” kind of 30 year old. A lot of women may just want to rest and have bubble time with partner and baby.

You may not be allowed in to visit if you are not on the visiting list

Right now is a really, really bad time to intrude when you have been told explicitly not to. It's always bad to ignore someone's reasonable request, but right now would be epically bad. You could permanently damage your relationship with your daughter.

Ask over text one more time if you can come visit and abide by her decision.

I'd text and ask if she'd like you to visit now, or in a week or so once she's settled. Give her the option of both rather than just asking if you can go now. I was in no fit state to speak to anyone but my DH and other DD for a few days after my c section.

If she has asked you not to go, then you absolutely don't go. Lots of new parents really struggle with grandparents (and other relatives) not respecting perfectly reasonable boundaries; don't be one of those grandparents who has to be managed. Be there for your daughter when she wants you to, and respect her space if requested to. This is even more important if as you suspect she is in a controlling relationship; she needs to be able to trust you and rely on you to listen to her, not trample her boundaries and stress her out further.

You're not a random visitor, you're her mum. I'd totally go...

Please don’t be this person.

But it's just so weird....do people really have this kind of arms length relationship with very close family members. I mean I doubt the op is expecting to be hosted...this is crazy to me.

This is very very normal to set boundaries. Imagine if you needed any other kind of surgery/medical procedure and people wanted to barge in and see you - usually for their own gain (to see the baby.) People need rest and space. Often times the woman is still bleeding, may have a catheter, has pushed her body to extremes.

So many mums now suffer with PPD and I think oftentimes they’re not given enough time to process their birth journey and given space. Some people aren’t bothered to check on mum, they’re just there to see the baby and this can cause MASSIVE detriment to the woman’s mental health.

This isn’t the same with everyone - as mentioned in a previous post, I want my mum to come straight to me, but no one else. It’s a time for privacy and recovery.

Yes, of course people do and for all kinds of reasons. Not everyone is the same, and a family not living in each other pockets does not (necessarily) mean that they don't love and care for each other just as much as people who do.

What is it about people nowadays? Everyone seems to need advance notice of visitors. however close they are (physically or emotional). Whatever happened to just popping in. We seem to be reverting to the Victorian idea of being 'at home'.

I think this is a good idea (unless you were only told in the last couple of days not to come). If that was said a while ago they may have been envisaging being home sooner. I can't imagine being stuck in hospital for over 4 days with only DH to talk to the whole time (unless I was really ill), and I loved seeing family meet my DC (and visitors in hospital are easier than home, no hosting, kicked out end of visiting time). However, not everyone feels the same, so please make it clear it's only a suggestion and you are happy to wait if preferred.

I agree...my own mum is dead but in real life, everyone I know had their mum come visit them straight away....I wouldn't even consider a mum to be a "visitor"...