Home births and persuading DH/DPs

[micegg]

I am seriously considering a HB with DC2 due in 4 weeks. I am yet to speak to the midwives (will try tomorrow) but need to get DH on side. He is worried about DD (aged 2.5), safety and the fact that last time I had an epidural. I really, really dont want to go into hospital (partly because we have moved and I am not impressed with the new hospital at all). I have been on the HB website but he doesnt want to know. Any of you had this? Did you go ahead with plans anyway?

My hubby wasn't keen at first, but he's come round to the idea as I've given him more and more info. I think it is important for you to have his support. You don't want a nervous birth partner.

I live in Leeds and they come to your home to talk to you and your partner at 36 weeks. Think it is similar elsewhere from what i've read. This may give him an opportunity to air his concerns. Also, the local hospital does a HB evening once a month. I'm dragging hubby along to that so that he will feel that he has all the info. May be worth checking if yours does the same.

We also have 2 year old. Think it can be better for them as they don't have the disruption of mummy going to hospital and often wake in the morning to find they have new baby brother or sister. Some people suggst this helps them to bond better with their sibling.

I had a fantastic HB last Jan and DH basically said if you're happy, so am I. I'm now realising how lucky I am. An epidural is not an option at home but if you're more relaxed then you're less likely to need it. I had tens and birth pool.
Consider how far you are from the hospital in case of needing to transfer - he will be reassured if its not too far, try local NCT for positive stories, my DH will rave about it to him if he wants a bloke's 'been there, watched it' story!
Have you moved to a completely new area? Are there friends who would be willing to have your DD at theirs while baby arrives? Or family to come and stay and distract her for a few hours. Too much too hope it will all happen while she's asleep! I presume you don't want her involved, some do
Good luck

At the moment I am booked into X hospital and the plan is for my mum to come up. I am 36 + 3 and need to not only convince DH but get booked under Y hospital as X doesnt cover my area for HB. Probably expecting too much given the time. I am sure my mum would be fine. She could still come up and they could take it in turns to look after DD. I wouldnt want her to see me in pain as I know she would be upset. She cries when she sees me asleep! I so wished I had arranged all this earlier as I fear I am too late.

DH wasn't keen at all when I planned a HB for my second, mainly from the safety point of view so I emphasised to him that I would go in if there were any concerns at all. Also we live very close to the hospital.

My parents came to mind dd who was 2 but very conveniently I went into labour just as she went to bed so the first she knew of it was seeing her baby brother at breakfast time.

Funnily, Dh was just talking about the birth the other day and saying how amazing it was and how it had totally changed his mind about HBs, so it was definitely worth pursuading him.

I had a homebirth in October with no3. Had epidurals with previous two that didn't work, so thought if I can't have an epidural, I'm not going to hospital.
Agree with yorky re not needing the epidural at home. I found the pain much easier to cope with in my own surroundings with my own things.
Dh thought the whole home birth thing was fantastic. He was sceptical at first, but midwife reassured him that should anything happen, they will take you in to hospital straight away. He is quite happy to tell all and sundry the pros of home birth!
presume you would have someone looking after DD if you went to hospital? If so, then not much different really. My two found it terribly exciting - they went to my mums for a night and came home to meet their new sister. My DS is very proud to say his sister was born in our house!

I am planning one for my first and DH (who is naturally overcautious and screamish) was not into it. I was chilled and told him i would only do it if he was happy, but lets get the facts. He was then further convinced by his sis in law - who is a researcher and was also preggers - quoting lots of stats to him about how much lower the intervention is and how much safer it is at home - so maybe try that.

Now it is getting nearer and he is swivelling I am waiting for the midwife to come otu and talk to us (at 34 weeks) to see if that makes him feel better. His concerns are mostly aorund if it is safe (can i get transfered in time) and the mess (he hasn't admited this but i KNOW he is worried about it).

HTH

walkingwomb - my DH had a major preoccupation with the mess - he is OBSESSIVELY tidy. I think he had visions of gore being splattered all over his precious plasma screen .

He got some plastic shower curtains from ikea to line the room and honestly there was no mess at all that wasn't contained. He still keeps going on about how CLEAN everything was afterwards......

he bit that convinced my DH was that if you start out at home and transfer you get to take your midwife with you so that you get continuous care. Not being left alone in hospital was a big selling point for him. Also intervention rates are waaaaaay lower.

THE bit...not he bit..

A couple of ideas - if your midwife is pro-homebirth maybe get her to talk to him. Sometimes they need to here it from the experts that homebirth is safe.

Also - contact your local NCT homebirth support group. They might be able to put you and your DP in touch with other local couples who've had homebirths. If he could talk to another dad who's been through this it'd be really helpful to him I'm sure.

It's natural for him to be a bit iffy about the idea, but if he cares about your safety, the health of your baby and your comfort in labour he ought at least to give the idea of homebirth SERIOUS CONSIDERATION rather than dismissing out of hand.

Whoops - 'hear it' I mean

DH was not keen at all and in fact kept on having dreams I was going to die in childbirth! I think you just need to show him the statistics, that is what swung DH in the end, nothing 'soft' did - e.g. own bathroom, own bed, nicer environment. homebirth.org has a great collection of research for you to print out and shove in front of his nose.

DH is now a complete convert and bangs on about homebirth to anyone who will listen.
He HAS to read about it though, don't take no for an answer. If it is safety he is worried about show him the stats for healthy pregnancies. Just planning a homebirth reduces your risk of cs by 50% I believe. If nothing else you have a midwife with you all the time versus a ratio of 7 women to 1 midwife which is the situation at the large teaching hospital in south london I would have given birth in. That convinved DH that a problem would be spotted much earlier than in hospital.

If you want an epi you can transfer inm best of both worlds in my view.

It is fundamentally your decision though and if he is not going to support it or look at the research then you may want to have your mum/ a doula with you instead? Radical but worth the threat to get him reading!

Lots of good information here already. My DH was always supportive of my decision to have two home births - he found the home birth website most useful, I think. Also, it helped him to support me, being in his own environment too - he was kept busy making drinks, fetching towels etc. - the benefits of being at home don't just extend to the woman. DH is also a total home birth convert.

Anyway, regarding older children, my dd (who's 2) was with me for a few hours of later labour - and took everything in her stride - she copied my breathing and noises - v funny. The next morning, she came into our bed to meet her little sister - it was just lovely - I think the normality of it all (ie. noone else had looked after her, or taken her away etc.) really helped with the bombshell of having a sibling.

Hi
Im really keen on a homebirth and giving birth into water but DH isnt for two reasons.

1. safety- but he hasnt read any literature on risks vs benefits/ reduced intervention as yet

2. Idea that a birth pool will ruin carpet/ floor etc. The obvious place for the pool would be downstairs in lounge which has concrete floor so strong and also right by patio door and drain so great for easy emptying. However lounge is carpeted so he thinks it will be ruined...

I understand point 1) and only he can read up and decide how he feels (I wont push him into it - edgy partner must defeat point of HB!)

Can anyone help and comment on the practicalities of having the pool in the home.? Does it really mess up your lounge/ bedroom/ dining room or whereever you put pool?

PS its our first baby, due in march

my dp wasn't overly keen. but ateotd YOU are the one giving =birth and you need to do it in the place you feel safest and most comfortable in.

I am sorry but I don't think that husbands etc get a say in this one. you're giving birth, you do it where YOU want to.

I do understand the concerns, but as long as you have made an informed decision then that's all you need. if your dh is unwilling to even look at a HB website then he cannot make an argument against homebirth

and I should add:

I had gas and air, pethidine and an epidural with ds1.

I coped absolutely fine at home, and delviered a 9lb 5 oz back to back baby with no pain relief at all.

the birth pool made no mess. why would it?? we surrounded it with cheap shower curtains and towels.

the midwives made sure that when I wasn't in the pool that I was on yet more shower curtains and they kept chuicking inco pads under me.
they cleared up ALL of the mess and my house looked tidier than it had for months after they went

remmeber, in hospital you're lucky if you see one midwife every 15 minutes.

at home you will have 2 very experienced midwives who are HAPPY to be delivering your baby at home. this is important because it means that they are confident in their abilities to deliver you safely and to spot any problems should they occur.

in our area (and I presume everywhere else but can't be certain) when the midwife comes out to you they have to alert the ambulance station. they then make sure an ambulance is in the area until given the all clear.
(this point was a good swinger for DP!)

Thanks thisisyesterday.

Love all this information Logically I know it has to be about where I am comfortable but i wont push him into it if he has major objections. Think he would come around if I really pushed it. Weirdly floor issues were bigger reason for going to hospital than safety!

Our ambulance station is 5mins away and hospital is 15mins drive max so not a disaster.

Will ask him to read facts and then see....

I'm in the Netherlands and it's 30% home births here. It's considered completely normal...

I had a fantastic homebirth (HBAC actually) but was in a similar situation in pregnancy with hubby concerned about it. Basically I did all the research I could. I knew I wasn't happy in hospital - i don't like the places! I didn't actually make a definite decision about where I was going to have the baby until I was in labour. Well I knew deep down I would stay at home but I hadn't said for definite, and hubby eventually realised that the best place for me and best scenario was where I was happy and relaxed. So if you do want a homebirth and your hubby isn't convinced - what do you need to do?

We were 10 miles from hospital. I had a csection for my first birth with no labour so was supposedly high risk. Also had group b strep. What I am really saying is weigh up the pros and cons and go with where you feel most comfortable and relaxed. I hope you can find some good information and support to help you make the best choice for you. Wishing you all the best.
PS You can work out the floor issues!!

What finally convinced my DH was the MW coming over and explaining exactly what they would do in each possible emergency. When they seem so confident about how to handle things, it helps the DHs to relax. Also, the MWs pointed out that it takes at least half an hour to set up the theatre for an emergency CS anyway, and the ambulance would have you there before that, so being at home wouldn't delay you getting a CS if you ended up needing one.

I wanted a HB with DD1, but didn't in the end cos DH was so nervous about it. It was a dreadful experience having her in hospital, which I swore I'd never repeat. I was determined to have DD2 at home no matter what he thought!! Luckily he was equally unimpressed with the hospital and after speaking to the MW was very supportive about the HB. And after the fact, I think he's a real HB fan!

As for your DD - my DD1 was 2.5 when DD2 was born and she just slept through the whole thing!! DD2 was born at 5:30am, and DD1 was woken up by her crying at 7am - she leapt out of bed shouting "the baby came out the baby came out!" She was so excited! I think most women who already have DC tend to have ther babies at night - your body kind of subconciously holds off until you're relaxed and ready at the end of the day. But it might be an idea to have someone ready to take DD off somewhere if you do go into labour during the day.

Thanks for your positive comments. Saw MW yesterday who was very positive and told DH and he is definately opening to the idea.
Think his big worry is actually what happens to the baby if it needs resuscitation or ICU after being born.

GYo - glad to hear your dh is coming round to the idea. Has he actually spoken to the mw yet? She will certainly be able to help ally his fears over the baby's safety.

Mws are fully trained in neonatal resuscitation and carry lots of the same equipment to a homebirth that would be used in hospital - suction, bag & mask etc. These are the basic things that are used in the vast majority of hospital resus scenarios - they do exactly the same at home as they would in hospital. (They don't carry resus drugs but that's because the likelihood of using them - even in hospital - is so very, very low; it's stuff for severely ill babies only.)

As far as needing NICU is concerned - you're talking about a very poorly baby there and the likelihood of that baby's condition not being picked up during the labour is again very low. If here are doubts about the baby's condition you will have been transfered by the time the birth was imminent anyway. This is what the midwives are on the alert for at all times, after all. If there were unforseen problems after birth then a blue-light ambulance transfer would get you to your hospital within minutes.

There are risks in any situation and there ae no absolute guarantees - but that goes for in hospital as well as at home. But if you have had a healthy pregnancy with a well-grown, active baby then there's no reason to think that there would be serious problems at birth. Best of luck

If it is any consolation, tell your dp that his future child will make much more mess of the carpet than the birthing pool will . I think that my house was possibly cleaner after my hb's than before, due to super duper midwives.

I agree - def. show worried dp's homebirth stats to help reassure.