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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

40+ 5 - changed my mind on my mum being at birth

32 replies

Marie0001 · 23/10/2023 20:34

Hi all
Would love some advice as I am stressing a bit

I'm 40 weeks + 5 days pregnant now - still no movements really.

Originally I assumed I would want my mum as a second birth partner, and we were planning for this outcome, but I have been thinking this week a lot and kind of feel I want it perhaps to be just my husband and I, especially as I go more 'over due'

I feel that having too many people around May just be stressful - also when I speak to her on the phone she keeps mentioning induction to me and how the baby will be too big if we go past 42 weeks... this stresses me out! I am just trying to be present and take it day by day and cross that bridge when needed. She has good intentions but I just don't know if I will want her around now especially during the pushing part. I think it will be an opportunity for my husband and I to really connect.

Do most people have a second birth partner?
Any views on how it went if you did have your mum there? I want my partner to be able to step up without my mum taking over..

I would love my mum to provide some support during the first few months, especiall when my husband has finished paternity leave.

I don't know what to do - it's stressing me out a-bit. My husband and I have done a lot of prep looking at the birth plan etc. my mum hasn't been at all involved in this. She lives a few hours away too. I love her to pieces and don't want to hurt her especially because she has taken most of the month of October off (despite me asking her not to!) to be on standby.

Thoughts or stories about birth partners welcome
Thank you! Xx

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/10/2023 20:36

Husband only, I can't imagine having or wanting my Mam there. I had a lovely supportive Mam but she would have hated seeing me in so much pain.

Janedoe82 · 23/10/2023 20:38

I had my mum and husband. When it came to the pushing the only voice I heard was the midwife and my mothers. You go into a kind of trance. My mum was counting/ saying the alphabet with me to help me manage the pain.

Janedoe82 · 23/10/2023 20:39

Plus my mum was much better at advocating me/ finding stuff out. Husband more nervous about asking questions.

Healthandsocialcaremodule · 23/10/2023 20:44

My husband was lovely, did everything right, but when it all went to shit and got a bit scary she was solid.

jolaylasofia · 23/10/2023 20:46

i went into labour at my moms house and she went back to bed. would never want my mom with me, she would make it a million times worse and she was a midwife for nearly 40 years. had my husband with me for all 3 of them.

Angelik · 23/10/2023 20:46

Though I was very pleased dh was there to see birth of our babies I honestly couldn't have given a shit who was in the room with me. The midwives were the ones I listened to and they told dh what they needed from him (keep giving me water to stave off gas and air hangover).

I think you have the right to decide who's in there and if you're worried your mum is going to have hurt feelings then it's probably best that she isn't there. Maybe best to be honest- it's a special moment for you and dh but you're forward to having her support and experience after.

Sunshineclouds11 · 23/10/2023 20:49

I had my mum there, pleased to have her there along with DP but in all honesty the pair of them got on my tits 😂
They didn't do anything wrong, I was in pain, tired and just concentrated.

It was more after the birth I felt the pros of having the two of them.

chillin12 · 23/10/2023 20:51

I had both my husband and mum. Initially, I wanted only my husband. I thought it might be awkward for us three to be together, knowing how emotional my mum can get. I also felt it should be a special bonding moment between husband and I. My mum was already coming to stay for a few weeks, during my post natal period to help. She wasn’t too fussed about being a birthing partner herself.

Anyways, she was already here while I was still pregnant. Then, when I did go into labour, it just felt natural having them both there tbh. They both accompanied me to the hospital, and with the way it progressed (wasn’t an immediate labour - birth), they were both sat with me. It was actually really helpful to have the support, and I was kind of in another world when Labour hit me anyway tbh. In the end, it didn’t feel awkward or embarrassing. I have a comfortable relationship with my mum and felt happy that she could experience the birth of her first ever grandchild.

My mum isn’t a fluent English speaker, so I was advocating for myself anyway, so no concerns of any conflict. It just felt kinda natural.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 23/10/2023 20:53

Who makes you feel more relaxed and comfortable in their presence?

Who do you think would be better at advocating for you if you’re unable to do so?

Do what makes you comfortable. At the end of the day, labour is all about you, this is the one time that you don’t have to take anyone else in to account!

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 23/10/2023 21:03

Personally I only wanted DH. My mum wanted to be there but I said no. It's not a place for my mum as far as I'm concerned.

Have who you want. Hope baby gets a shift on soon for you!

Ladyj84 · 23/10/2023 21:06

Love my mum to pieces and she saw all 4 children not long after birth but my hubby only at births and it brought us so close the bond

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/10/2023 21:15

I just had my partner. I love my mum and she's amazing but I think she would have faffed too much and I would have got snappy or cried. I barely remember my oh during labour just the midwife lol. As for big baby getting stuck, if it makes you feel better i went over with both and had both natural, no issues and they were 10lb.
Just do what feels best, it's you going through it so don't worry about putting anyone out

LittleOwl153 · 23/10/2023 21:16

I had a 42wk induction. My mum was there. Not sure whether if it would have been better with or without tbh as I had an epidural and hadn't really much clue of who was around me once the room filled with medics as dc was having a rough time. My mum did not volunteer to be present for dc2 though so maybe the comment from pp about parent not wanting to see their child is so much pain might ring true...?

My advice is to deal with whatever you need to do and RELAX, the stress will not do baby any favours and I think means you are not ready for baby so baby won't come...

2chocolateoranges · 23/10/2023 21:22

Just dh there for me, he was amazing.

I just felt he was there when we made our baby so it was a special moment for us both meeting the baby we had created.

my mum was our 1st visitor a few hours later .

ForensicFlossy · 23/10/2023 21:26

My dm asked if she could be at the birth of our first dc, I agreed on the condition that she sat in the corner and stayed quiet! As some pp mentioned, when it came to it I couldn't have cared less who was in the room. I was holding hands with a student doctor at one point.

I am really pleased dm was there, she ended up being incredibly supportive and a calming influence on my dh.

ActDottie · 23/10/2023 21:28

I’m due January and no way would I want my mum there. If you don’t want her there just tell her now, it’s completely your choice.

otherwayup · 23/10/2023 21:39

I bitterly regret not having my mum at my births. I no longer speak to my dc's dad and haven't for many years.
I wish I had someone I could talk to who was there with me when my amazing dc came into the world, I have other separated friends who feel the same!

DuploTrain · 23/10/2023 21:44

I only had my DH. I have a good relationship with my mum but she would have really irritated me.

And talking about inductions etc sounds very off-putting… your birth partner should be there to support you, not influence your decisions.

If for any reason my DH couldn’t have come, I would have had my mum instead, but having them both together would feel a bit weird to me personally.

Dyra · 23/10/2023 23:08

Sunshineclouds11 · 23/10/2023 20:49

I had my mum there, pleased to have her there along with DP but in all honesty the pair of them got on my tits 😂
They didn't do anything wrong, I was in pain, tired and just concentrated.

It was more after the birth I felt the pros of having the two of them.

100% could not have put it better myself.

Naturally, DH was there, and I wanted Mum there as she's had 5 babies. She would understand better what was going on and help DH advocate for me. But when labour truly got going (which is when Mum turned up) I did not want to talk to or be touched by anyone. No idea what they did while I was labouring high as a kite on diamorphine. Awkward small talk is my guess. Neither have said, so it's probably best I don't. Anyway, DH was great for the actual birth bit, and Mum took some great photos.

For my second, I just wanted DH. I'd had one, so knew we'd be ok. Plus I wanted Mum to look after the most precious thing in the world to me DC1. Didn't matter that she wasn't there in the end as it ended in C-section and only one birth partner is allowed in theatre.

OP, you need to do what is best for you. Tell her your feelings about it. But it's your birth, and entirely your decision.

PeeBeee · 26/10/2023 16:50

I always thought I wanted my mum and dh there but then when I got pregnant i thought as much as my dh wouldnt say anything about it, i just imagined it would maybe take away from his experience so i decided against it, it was an amazing bonding experience for dh and I x

ThomasinaLivesHere · 26/10/2023 23:17

Do what suits you. Hopefully your mum will understand. Did your mum ask or did you ask her initially?

It never occurred to me to have anyone but my husband there. I think for me it would have been too much to have someone else there, but everyone is different.

crumblylancs · 26/10/2023 23:30

I didn't want anyone to touch me or to fuss over me when I was in labour, my body was doing all the work and when my older sister (old enough to be mum) came in for a while she was trying to hug me and all sorts of shit, I could have killed! So for me, absolutely no one who would be too emotional and soft would be with me again but that's purely me.

I could happily do it without DP aswell to be fair, if he couldn't come second time round I would just go by myself and be fine with it

mummyh2016 · 27/10/2023 12:20

I only had DH. I love my mom to bits but she would have irritated the fuck out of me if she was there. She's a very anxious/worrying person though and I think every time the MW went to check something she'd be flapping something was wrong.

TrixieTrix · 07/05/2024 15:16

I had my Mum and DH with me when I had my first baby, it was nice to have her there as it gave my DH a chance to go out and grab lunch and not feel guilty about it. Plus there is a different kind of support from a Mum then a Partner and I found having her with me was soothing for my anxiety.

But it all depends on your relationship and what you need, there isn't a right or wrong choice in this!

TwinklesToes · 07/05/2024 15:50

I was there with my DSIL when my daughter had her 3rd baby and with my son when my DDIL had her 2nd baby. It was an honour and a privilege. I have really good relationships with both my son and daughter and with their partners. I left the delivery room once the babies were born to give the new parents time alone with the baby.

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