C-Section & feeling like a failure.

[Lillie1986]

I’m a first time mum and had an elective C-Section 31/08. DD was frank breech and at a 5:5 position, consultant made decision i needed to have a C-Section, i’d planned for a natural birth. I’m now two weeks out and feel completely distraught, like i’m a failure. My mum is helping with DD as I can’t do much, the C-Section ended up not been straight forward, and whilst one was trying to pull her out I had two pound my stomach to try and free her! She was very stuck and the cord was wrapped a few times.

Does anyone have an experiences to share? I feel like i couldn’t keep her safe inside me so I won’t be able to keep her safe outside and that i’m just a crap mum because I can’t do a lot.

It took me a long time to get over my EMCS. The recovery was not great at all and I felt like everyone else who had managed a natural birth had "won".

But you are not a failure! For all the reasons you have mentioned and more, a medical procedure was performed to save your baby's life.

I have since had a vbac and hands down the section was easily the worst to recover from... Which makes you the real hero. If we are going to look at it like that!

Time is a healer, physically and emotionally.

You are a GREAT MUM!!

You had the sense to listen to the expert Consultant when s/he knew that your baby couldn't be delivered safely without a C-Section. As a result both you & your baby are alive & will have chance to thrive & bond for a lifetime. You STAR !!!

I am sorry you feel down about it. I also had 2 Csections that I dind't want (& felt a failure; for the 1st one). Please talk this through with HCP's & seek support if you feel you need it. Sending love. x

Your C-section enabled your baby to come out alive. If the cord had been wrapped and you had tried to deliver naturally, your baby could have died or had brain damage from lack of oxygen. You are recovering for a big operation with a big scar and you have a new born. Lots ot take on. You may not feel it but you have just been incredibly brave and done something for your baby that is risky to you. That's heroic.

I had C-sections as my babies were transverse. I don't regret them at all.

This tough time will pass and you will look back and be so glad you chose not to risk your child's life or health.

I’ve had two EMCS after being in labour for 50+ hours each time … my kids just didn’t want to come out the “natural” way though I didn’t half try! Also no breech positions or anything like you’ve had to endure. On paper I should have had textbook births. I definitely have a weird residual regret about it, although now time has passed can recognize how silly I’m being. You’re only 2 weeks pp, your hormones will be going crazy and recovering from major abdominal surgery and looking after a newborn at the same time is no picnic. Give yourself a break and enjoy your lovely little baby. I’m 100% sure you’re anything but a crap mum 💐

I had an elective section 3.5 years ago for my frank breech ds (had planned a water birth...). I felt like you after, especially when he had some minor health issues, that I couldn't keep him safe. I assumed I had a v low pain tolerance because my recovery was ridiculously painful and slow. I cried for months with guilt.

You're doing great. Your baby is brand new. Take all the painkillers you can, move very slowly, and rest. I promise it gets better, slowly, but gradually. Do as little as possible, accept all offers of help, and ask for more. Your baby is safe now. They couldn't have had a safe natural birth, so you did the right thing. Some women do seem to breeze through cesareans, but it is a huge major surgery. I can't think of any other comparable surgery where people are sent home so soon after with no prescribed bedrest or morphine!

In case you're looking ahead... 3 years after ds I had a vbac, precipitous labour with shoulder dystocia. They let my morphine wear off, they had no idea I'd gone from 4cm to 10cm and crowning in 10 minutes until the mooing started... The emergency consultant stuck an arm up me to free baby girl, I had a second degree tear, and the recovery was an absolute dream compared to the section. I was bouncing around, actually bored, same day (they wouldnt let us go home until the next day because they had to resuscitate baby girl). For me, it was a very healing experience, and made me more accepting of my first birth. Not all births are the same. I can't believe I'd been sold on another elective cesarean until 39 weeks!

When a baby exits the way nature intended you get a hormone high for a while which you don’t get with a cs and I think this is why many of us find a cs much harder to recover form.
For the record I’ve got 2DC one cs and one VBAC.
Really don’t beat yourself up over it as it was totally out of your control

OP, make sure you don't let your Mum do things you're capable of. It's the surest way to not gain confidence. You are your baby's Mum and she needs you to step up to the challenge.

I completely understand what you're going through. I had EMCS with first one and I was sooo disappointed in my body, I felt I failed to birth my baby and I felt I didn't give birth at all.

I was hoping for a vbac the second time but again, the baby was late and doctors didn't let me wait any longer and I had ELCS at the end.
I was so gutted and felt I failed again.

It was 4 and 2 years ago and now I feel my body was amazing to carry two beautiful babies and nurse them. I don't feel I'm a failure anymore, however I do feel jealous of all women that I hear of, who had the natural birth. I suppose this will never change but nonetheless, I feel much better about it. I hope one day you will feel how amazing your body is too!

All the best OP! I hope you will recover quickly and you absolutely can take car and keep safe your baby!
All the best! Xxx

You are very brave to consider a vaginal birth. As soon as I found out DD was breech I wanted a c sec!
Having a c section isn’t a failure, I know some people feel disappointed that they couldn’t deliver naturally. Your c section sounds very traumatic, I couldn’t have done what you did - I’m too squeamish!

The only thing that matters is that your baby is safe and so are you. You are not a failure in the slightest.

Take it easy, let your body heal. 💐

Sorry you’re feeling this way. I had a horrible ‘natural’ birth with DC1 that included forceps. I had an elective with my 2nd and don’t regret it for a second. In no way do I feel like I failed even though I chose it. I’m almost empowered by the fact I chose what I deemed safest way to get my child out. I’m so sorry that others feel like they failed. Getting a baby out any way is an amazing thing to be proud of.

Also, have you considered that you may have PTSD.

OP, I had a forceps delivery after a long labour. The doctors had to intervene after they lost DS' heartbeat.
DS was stuck. I was unable to deliver, then I was so drugged up, I don't remember him being born. I was unconscious. In fact I was so out of it, I slept for eight hours and then couldn't remember why I was in hospital.

At least you can remember your little one arriving. I spent months feeling like a fraud. But actually, all that really matters in the long run, is you are both safe and well. Don't let it spoil anything for you xx

It didn’t work out the way you’d planned and you’re probably in shock still. I’m sorry you’re going through this - it’s horrible. With time the shock will fade and you’ll get your head round the idea and process the disappointment that you didn’t have the birth you wanted, but it is such early days. Please be kind to yourself and let time help you heal

If you took the baby home, the experience was a success. You aren’t a success or failure based on how the baby exited your body.
I had the choice of a section or a stillbirth so didn’t have any feelings of failure. But I did have for a long time the feeling that the baby wasn’t supposed to be alive so I suppose the feelings came out that way. It took 8–9 months for the feelings and the nightmares about the last part of the pregnancy to go away.

(Also, please don’t listen to the people who say ‘well, baby is here safely and that’s all that matters’. It’s not all that matters, and your feelings are valid.)

@Lillie1986 understand completely how you feel! If MN had been around 26 years ago I could have written your post word for word! I was doubly horrified two years later to need another EMcS. So much so that when my DD came along two years later I was so desperate for a ‘normal’ birth that I lied about my dates and begged the surgeon to let me go to 39 weeks! DD wouldnt have been born successfully vaginally as it turned out but it took me well over 10 years to completely stop feeling a total failure for not giving birth ‘properly’. The negativity still rears it’s ugly head when I’m really low x Luckily I managed to breast feed all three to 12 +months each otherwise I would have found it even tougher.

be kind to yourself- allow your feelings as they aren’t ‘wrong’! But give yourself credit for carrying your baby and now nurturing them xxx it’s really hard but try to focus on the positive outcome rather than might have been xx. Take care of yourself xx

I’ve had 3 sections. First was an emcs and dd was very poorly. Second was elcs as I had excess amniotic fluid and natural labour risked cord prolapse. Third….well I had no choice. Third was 5 weeks ago and I feel like my body has let me down too, but I’m trying to focus on bonding with baby. Please don’t feel bad, as I keep telling myself, we couldn’t change it even though we wanted to.

I don’t remember the birth, DD was stuck and my heart rate dropped very low so they pumped me full of meds. My midwife videoed the birth for me, and it was horrific. She was completely stuck and eventually they got her bum out of my hip but her head was under my right rib… they had her hanging upside down trying to free head, once she was delivered they couldn’t get the cord off and they stopped the filming when they realised she wasn’t breathing.

Possibly. My HV is arranging for me to see a specialist midwife who deals with traumatic births.

I could have written this myself. My c section baby is 12 now and it just isn’t something I think about (or care about) but when she was tiny I did feel like a failure.

My VBAC with ds helped a lot but time is the most important thing. After 12 years of being her mum I have far bigger things to feel bad about (and good about!) than the first 10 minutes of her life.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, it’s really made a difference to know i’m not the only one who is/has feeling/felt this way. I’m totally smitten with my DD and my mam says i’m just lacking in confidence and i need to remember that i had no choice, she was stuck in my hip and they tried turning her… C-Section was my only and best option for my baby girl. This time will pass and if it doesn’t i know where to turn for support and help. Xx

OP it sounds like you're traumatised about what could have been (and I don't blame you at all).
FWIW, I had a planned section as DS was expected to be a big baby, I had gestational diabetes out of the blue, prior history of recurrent miscarriages (and my MH was not great as a result), he was actually breach right until the end nearly and I had reduced movements in the final few weeks to the extent we had to be monitored daily. I felt traumatised in my final few weeks of pregnancy and just wanted him to be out safely, whatever that took.

So I would say, you delivered in the safest possible way and the outcome is positive. You have your lovely, healthy baby girl with you. This is what matters, not the fact that it didn't happen in the anticipated way. I do not, by any means, take away from the fact you might be feeling disappointed and shocked after all this, it's not what you hoped for and it's hard to accept. But the thing is, you are a super mum - you did what was the best for her.

Can you reach out for help to the perinatal MH team asap? It might take some time to be seen but get a referral now. It sounds like it's the trauma you need to work through and you will, in time. Congratulations and well done, take care of yourself, not just of your beautiful DD, remember 💐 xx

Your post is how I am feeling at the moment, had to have a c section last week after failed induction and find it hard as doctors and consultants told me several times that being induced and the baby being delivered vaginally was much better than the c section for the health of my baby as due to my icp it was going to have to be a bit early so very hard to not feel like a failure especially as baby is having treatment for jaundice at the moment
Really sorry this is how you are feeling but thank you for posting this, really helping to read your posts replies while I’m sat in hospital with baby feeling the same

I’ve had two planned c-sections, due to a health condition I have .

i wouldn’t have known how the births would have gone if I could have at least tried both babies where in perfect postions. I always feel I missed out the opportunity to give birth. Then I remember I have carried and birthed two children the sun roof way but I’m alive they are alive and that’s all that matters.

You’ve done amazing, speak to specialist midwife. Give that beautiful baby a hug and yourself a break (easier said than done)

That sounds really tough, it's so difficult, isn't it, when you have expectations of welcoming your baby into the world and everything being fantastic and then things don't go to plan it can be quite a shock. Judging from your post it sounds like you felt really out of control with the whole birth experience. It's no wonder you are still tearful and shaken from it, it's early days.

What I would suggest is thinking about (when you are ready) is getting a debrief with a midwife (if they still do this, it was a while since I did mine) who can go through your notes, put together a timeframe of what happened when, because time can both feel to be moving very fast and very slow at the same time during traumatic events if you know what I mean? It might help you be able to frame it in such a way that is understandable and allows you to process it. You can see the whats and whys and whos and the whole thing might seem rational when everything at the time seems confusing and rushed. You aren't alone at all, rationally I'm sure you know there are so many Mums (and they are responding to you above!) who had a similarly tough time and are raising or have successfully raised wonderful kids despite the difficult start they had as a mother.

Secondly the cliches are true, take all the help you can get and rest as much as you are able. There is no doubt C-section recovery is major abdominal surgery. You say you are totally smitten with your baby really sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you. Harness that feeling and trust your instincts. Congratulations on your wee baby and I wish you well.