Everyone is pressurising me to have a homebirth and it is pissing me off

[CharlieAndLolasMummy]

NOW before I start, I have NO problem with HBs. Have one if you want it. They are statistically safe and everything, and for some people are going to be great.

BUT I am so bloody fed up of people who have had one, in often very different circumstances to me, telling me that I "really ought to go for a HB".

Here is why I do not want a home birth

1. I have 2 kids aged 2 and 4. I do not want my younger child at the birth, it will freak her out and I will be the only one who can comfort her (and I know this because she is MY child, I don't care how many other kids see their mother bellowing swear words, she will NOT cope)

I don't mind the 4 year old being there at all, but the mws want someone assigned to look after him and that means an additional person in the room, which I don't want.

1. I am extremely noisy when giving birth. Anyone who says that my kids and (less importantly) the neighbours will not hear me bellowing away is talking out of their ar$e, sorry. They have NOT heard me in labour.

1. I really do quite like going to the midwifery led unit. I have done it before. They are very, very kind, they give you food, they run you a bath, they have NO stairs to schlep up and down, and after the birth I can make up excuses to get myself a bit of breathing space. They also limit the number of non-family visitors at one time, and anyway, I can always go for a 6 hour discharge.

1. Oh and I tend to lose a lot of blood quite quickly in labour because I have fairly quick labours (about 1 hour each from 5 cm to delivery.) I don't want to faff with cleaning this up, I know some mws do but I have also heard that some don't. I don't want to worry about it.

1. And I want to use their huge warm pool without having to worry about my dining room ceiling.

But no one gives a crap about any of this. I am getting "oh this is baby #3, are you having a hb this time" and when I say "no, probably not" I get this glazed look and a recitation of why I should have a hb, which bears NO relevance to my situation. I KNOW it is pretty safe, I KNOW that for some people it is a wonderful bonding experience with their dcs-it just isn't for me.

Oh and I know its the lentil weavery equivalent of having old women come up to you a week before you give birth and say "gosh, I expect you really would like to hear horror stories about how dangerous childbirth can be" but it is SO annoying, noone is listening to me, they are just reciting this mantra and it is SO SO annoying.

Sorry, needed to say that. It feels like it is all I have heard this last few weeks.

Poor you, my sympathies. I didn't want a home birth either because a
a) my flat at the time was extremely small and cluttered with books and stuff: no space for a pool or really for more than 1 other person to be in there with me
b) at 39 I knew there were slightly more risks of something going wrong and therefore I wanted to be in hospital right on the spot in case of problems.

As with everything relating to childbirth, motherhood and everything about being a woman really: you are making the decision that's right for you and your circumstances, and other people can just feck off, really. God luck with a nice safe birth.

just do what is right for you and smile a sweet ( and secretly poisoned) smile at them, knowing that they don't have a clue. If these people were thoughtful, knew anything about women and childbirth, and had respect for your view, they would just support you in doing whatever you need and want to do.
And good for you that you know so clearly what suits you best. Only you can make that decision.

I had a HB with my second and it was great. I disagree with a lot of your reasons for not having one, but your reason 3 is the real positive one for why you shouldn't have one. You want to go to the midwifery led unit so that is what you should do.

Why on earth is everyone hassling you? Just ignore them. I had a HB with my first 2 but might go for the midwifery led unit this time (if there are no complications). It looks quite nice and I think I'd have more peace and quiet afterwards! Had half my family turning up the morning after my 2nd was born trying to take photos of me and baby - I was so annoyed (not looking my best), and my DH is hopeless at the restricting visitors thing. He always makes people feel 'too' welcome and invites everyone in!

I think my homebirth was positive because that is what I wanted to do. It would not have been the same if I have been co-erced into it. I think making your own decisions and going with what you want has a significant positive effect on labour and birth.

I didn't have a HB for more or less the same reasons. I would have quite liked one though but didn't as it was all too problematic. And I have no complaints about the care I received in hospital. I was very lucky.

I think people love to tell your their experiences when sometimes all you need is the time and space to make up your mind and then be supported in your choice.

I would never have a HB. Because I don't want one. Full stop.

Doesn't mean they are not great and fantastic for people who do WANT them.

people ( me too !) can get all evangelical about things like home birth, because it was such a fantastic experience, sometimes it is easy to forget that not everyone will feel the same!!

people think they are doing you a favour and doing it with the best of intentions, i don;t think it is malicious.. just perfect the art of glazing over and tuning out

your birth unit sounds great !

Quick labour as you describe is called precipitate (I have them too). Most MW resist HB for precipitate labours because of the risk of bleeding - in your case I would say this is justified if you bleed a lot after birth.

So my advice is just to say, HB is out as I have precipitate labours, thank you. It is frustrating when people are so sure they know what is best for you, well done for not loosing it so far!

I had a straightforward delivery in a midwife led unit too which I found great. A lot of people (including the local midwife) tried to persuade me to have a HB!

I don't want one for many reasons, the most important being that my 18 month old would be very confused to be excluded from the room but would be very upset to see me in pain. I just wink and joke that my DH is too fearful for the carpets

I know, I am getting bloody good at smiling at people

What really really is annoying me is that people are not respecting my choices. They are not even interested in my choices. TBH I kind of expect better from home birth advocates, dunno why, I think because I reckon they should KNOW how patronising and horrible it is to be preached at.

I was actually told by a friend that I would be "letting the side down" if I gave birth in hospital .

The people I have closest to losing it with so far are a couple who have no kids, BUT have read a book

And this is really an irrational rant. I do feel strongly though that there is a real lack of listening to what women ACTUALLY want from childbirth going on. And am saddened that this is coming from the alternative movement too... I expected more.

wild horses couldn't get me to have a homebirth.

nope, it's not for me.

i'd just tell people that straight up.

'thanks for the advice, but i don't want a homebirth. and i'd appreciate it if we changed the subject.'

Just because you have a homebirth does not mean that your other children have to be at home.

Poinyt out to people that are hassling yu that they are being rather bizarre: they want the choice themselves to HAVE a HB, therefore they should also repsect YOUR right to choice.... ie the MW led unit.

I'm booked for a homebirth but they're not for everyone, why should they be?

i like your reasons, same as mine TBH.
unfortunately beginning to feel i will have to have one with independent midwives in order to get any decent care in central london

33 weeks, and counting, and mailing indy midwives as we speak

re the children: well it does really, for me, bozza.

There are various reasons for this, but this is how things would probably be.

gosh, you must hang out with some strong minded lentil weavery people , it's usually the opposite in rl, ''I had a hb'' omg are you mad???!!!
hb is a right not an obligation - tell them to get lost, in the nicest possible way

Our NCT teacher took me aside after one class - I was the only one in the class planning a hb - and suggested that I try and persuade a couple of others in the group to try a hb

I refused - they had minds of thier own and didn't need mine!

Child birth & breast feeding are such emotive subjects. I do not understand why people can not respect other peoples decisions!

Why do they feel compelled to comment? They should learn to keep the thoughts in their heads a bit like when learning to read - you no longer HAVE to say the words out loud.

Your reasons are very valid and should be resprected.
I had 2 hospital births - both times did most of my labour at home but hospital is where I wanted to be for the actual birth.

Good luck.

bozza - of course they don't but my eldest child found having to go to my parents overnight and then come to visit me in hospital with a new baby sister quite unsettling. I wanted to avoid sending the DCs away from home.

Ah well, at least they don't start from the position of actually assuming that you've already booked a homebirth so that you'd have to keep explaining that you're actually intending on going in to hospital. I'm sure people aren't intending to hurt your feelings with their comments - they're not implying any criticism of you surely? You don't really have to explain yourself either - just say 'it's not for me'.

And you know, if you'd planned a homebirth you'd probably find even more to be cross about because you'd get all the annoying 'you must be brave' comments, with little snippy asides about safety and it being more important than 'having a good experience'. There's nothing worse than having THAT sort of implied criticism, which is actually more than just annoying, it's hurtful and undermining.

By the way - the comments about 'lentil weavers' make me feel a bit depressed. I personally didn't choose to have a homebirth because I wanted the freedom to play whale music at full volume but because I thought it was safer and healthier for my baby and for me. For me the research seems to show one overwhelming benefit for booking a homebirth - which is that you're about half as likely to end up on an operating table than if you go into hospital. Compared to the increased risk of c-section (with all the risks that go with it - hysterectomy, bleeding, post-operative infection) that might come with opting for a hospital birth the 'touchy feely' aspect of homebirth wasn't all that important to me, or the thought of having to spend ten minutes with a J cloth mopping up crap and blood afterwards.

Anyway - lucky for you that you've got a good midwife led unit near you - it's good to have somewhere where you know you're going to get great care.

Oh another reason I am not planning a home-birth is that I have had 2 planned homebirths and 2 transfers. So I HAVE heard all the "you must be brave" comments. And I AM a hardcore lentil weaver, believe me. I home educate and knit tea cosies and everything.

And I haven't actually ruled out a home birth. Actually I am booked for one. If everything goes according to a very narrow plan-if I go into labour during the day, when my mum is up from London to take the kids out of the house, and if I don't have to transfer, and if I don't go too far overdue-THEN I probably will stay put and have a home birth (am lazy) .

It is the fact that people are not listening to ME that is annoying me. I am not an idiot, I have done my research. I have also volunteered quite a bit with the NCT and have seen this one from both sides.

Am calming down now though, I think I just needed to vent

oh I meant I had PLANNED to have 2 homebirths, I ended up having zero home births. And did go through a period of feeling bloody sad about not doing it, before I got a grip on myself and realised that having 2 healthy kids was somewhat more important

(not that a HB would have meant I didn't have healthy kids, aaaargh. Just that it gave me perspective. I feel INCREDIBLY strongly about everyone's right to a hb, just that it isn't right for me, in my situation)

C and Lolas Mummy
I have an IM booked this time around...had a CS last time after home birth not coming about...right now planning to stay at home for as long as possible...but transfer...because I got to 9 cm last time before the cs the midwife thinks if we can get the baby in the right position, it might be poss. I guess I'm keeping an open mind about it.

I really share some of your concerns about HB and think they're totally valid reasons. The issue of DD being there is a big one for me - not simply becuase I was sick everywhere last time or struggled to cope with the pain, neither of which I would want to expose her to, but because if she's upset about it or wants me etc it adds another layer of stress to the situation. I can't see how having my mind on that would help me to progress. I think I'm entitled to a couple of hours to myself with the new baby which at the moment I feel would be easier to achieve in a hospital. Don't really want to turf DD out of her home either - we don't have relatives living close and for our friends, for various reasons, it wold be too complicated.

The main thing which I need to consider on the other hand is whether they'd push for a c section after failing ot progress...because of hte previous c section they won't let me into any midwife-led units.

Here is the story of how my friend's homebirth went last Friday and Blu's NCT teacher and her ilk are why I will not be renewing my NCT membership. They make me mad