Everyone is pressurising me to have a homebirth and it is pissing me off

[CharlieAndLolasMummy]

NOW before I start, I have NO problem with HBs. Have one if you want it. They are statistically safe and everything, and for some people are going to be great.

BUT I am so bloody fed up of people who have had one, in often very different circumstances to me, telling me that I "really ought to go for a HB".

Here is why I do not want a home birth

1. I have 2 kids aged 2 and 4. I do not want my younger child at the birth, it will freak her out and I will be the only one who can comfort her (and I know this because she is MY child, I don't care how many other kids see their mother bellowing swear words, she will NOT cope)

I don't mind the 4 year old being there at all, but the mws want someone assigned to look after him and that means an additional person in the room, which I don't want.

1. I am extremely noisy when giving birth. Anyone who says that my kids and (less importantly) the neighbours will not hear me bellowing away is talking out of their ar$e, sorry. They have NOT heard me in labour.

1. I really do quite like going to the midwifery led unit. I have done it before. They are very, very kind, they give you food, they run you a bath, they have NO stairs to schlep up and down, and after the birth I can make up excuses to get myself a bit of breathing space. They also limit the number of non-family visitors at one time, and anyway, I can always go for a 6 hour discharge.

1. Oh and I tend to lose a lot of blood quite quickly in labour because I have fairly quick labours (about 1 hour each from 5 cm to delivery.) I don't want to faff with cleaning this up, I know some mws do but I have also heard that some don't. I don't want to worry about it.

1. And I want to use their huge warm pool without having to worry about my dining room ceiling.

But no one gives a crap about any of this. I am getting "oh this is baby #3, are you having a hb this time" and when I say "no, probably not" I get this glazed look and a recitation of why I should have a hb, which bears NO relevance to my situation. I KNOW it is pretty safe, I KNOW that for some people it is a wonderful bonding experience with their dcs-it just isn't for me.

Oh and I know its the lentil weavery equivalent of having old women come up to you a week before you give birth and say "gosh, I expect you really would like to hear horror stories about how dangerous childbirth can be" but it is SO annoying, noone is listening to me, they are just reciting this mantra and it is SO SO annoying.

Sorry, needed to say that. It feels like it is all I have heard this last few weeks.

Oh I volunteer with the NCT, I have a lot of time for them.

I do think that it is pretty impossible to generalise about the NCT nationally. Things vary between districts so much.

Locally, we have a good hb rate and while the bf rate is bloody pathetic, there IS a lot of money and energy going into sorting that out. Generally, local mws are pretty positive towards lentil weavers!

But some of NCT teachers ARE rubbish. I've seen perhaps 10 antenatal teachers in action. I'd say of them, 2 are really really fabulous, 1 is worryingly dire and a couple of others are really not good and should not be paid to teach. I've also seen the local NHS classes, and they are actually better than the average NCT class, there is much more infomation in them and the people are very down to earth. I think, locally, the NCT is seen as a bit of a dating agency for middle class first time mothers. The NCT doesn't seem to be monitoring a lot of its older teachers at all-they are meant to go for retraining, IIRC, but I am pretty sure at least one of our local teachers has just been ducking out of it for ages.

Another problem locally is that the local NCT, certainly until fairly recently, was run by quite scary very middle class bankers wives who liked to arrange the sort of meet up that is not accessible by public transport (this seems to have shifted a bit of late, thank god). I am not a banker's wife, I don't have access to a car most days of the week, and actually eneded up dropping out of my own antenatal class meet ups for this reason-I just couldn't get myself to all the tree lined, posh, bus-free areas that my compatriots lived in. Oh and I was 25 when my son was born, making me the youngest in the class by 10 years-fine, except my GOD that was commented on.

Oh dear, this isn't meant to be an NCT rant. I think they have some big unaddressed flaws, they are not really doing much to widen access, which is partly why I got involved. They also do a lot of good. Even if they DO end up speaking mainly for middle class women, that does help everyone to some extent, IMO.

"Personally I think it's a bit unfair of you to accuse homebirth advocates of naivety, ignorance or manipulativeness when you yourself, from what you say, are clearly unfamiliar with the evidence on this subject."

No, actually, from what I say I make it completely clear I am familiar with the evidence on this subject. Exhibit A: my grieving 'healthy mother' friend. Or perhaps this is insignificant for you? The slim chance that, sadly, is unlikely to happen to most people but is a shame when it does?

Of course you friend is significant and I imagine we all feel for her and indeed you- I certainly do, but other poeple whose children (eg my cousin) were lost in hospital are equally grieving. One piece of evidence is anecdotal and worthy of note certainly but canot and should not be used to generalise ro jusdge others, it simply isn't the way these things work.

But of course you are grieving and sad for your friend so it would be somewhat unfair for you to be asked to see that right now of course.

No-one persuaded me to have a hb - in fact most people thought I was bonkers - but I felt that my body could do it's job best in a non-medical environment, ( aview I still hold) checked out all the risks etc, I was healthy and low-risk, and crucially )in my own personal decision) live 5-10 mins from the hospital. My hb preference was established long before I signed up for NCT clases. BUT it's SO hard to be in possession of all the facts.

It was revealed to me well into labour that i needed to be swabbed for StrepB because of the time since my waters broke. Didn't understand the implications of this, and carried on, and on, labouring. Eventually, after DS was born i was told that the swab was back and DS had to go on IV anti-biotics, because of length of labour and my StreB status. Had i known this, i would have ditched my hb option and asked for every possible accelaration to labour to avoid IV antibiotics / strepB risk to DS.

You have to do what is best for you and your family, how annoying to feel under pressure at this time. It is nobody's business and your MLU sounds fab!

I am having a HB and on the opposite end of the spectrum from you get soo fed up with the comments about my choice (from friends, neighbours etc "your brave", "isnt it dangerous", "what about the mess" etc etc!, I want to scream like you! Why is it that pregnancy means that you are public property?

Good luck and have a lovely birth! I am due today and may want to check into your MLU afterwards to escape my toddler!!

"from what I say I make it completely clear I am familiar with the evidence on this subject. Exhibit A: my grieving 'healthy mother' friend. Or perhaps this is insignificant for you?"

That's an unfair and an unkind comment.

You raised the subject of the validity of the research into homebirth in a way that made it very clear that you had simply not read any.

You know that it is this that I was referring to.

I feel as though your comments on this thread have implied that those of us who support women's choice to birth at home are naive and rather stupid at best, and uncaring about the lives of babies at worst. I think next time you express strong sentiments on the safety of homebirth you should think about how it makes those of us who've chosen to have our babies at home feel.

"I think they have some big unaddressed flaws, they are not really doing much to widen access"

Actually they are doing loads to widen access. There are loads of new community projects that are ongoing. I know NCT teachers who teach in Sure Start and children's centres, who go into schools and colleges to teach about birth and breastfeeding, who teach within the NHS and who run teenage pregnancy classes. The NCT breastfeeding counsellors where I live run two baby cafes and staff four clinics around the borough - these serve everyone, not just middleclass women. The NCT have also set up a pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding helpline over the past couple of years, which is open to everyone and which is costing a packet to run.

If you're not currently involved in the NCT you wouldn't know all this so I'm not having a go, I just wanted to make a point that the NCT are actually VERY conscious of and VERY unhappy about their reputation as a 'dating service for middle-class mums' and are doing as much as they can to change the focus of their work.

speccie you are naturally grieving and sad and angry. But I really think that you are drawing conclusions regarding your friend's birth experience without having sufficient information to do so.

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I think there are probably women out there who have lost a child during a hospital birth who are feeling exactly the same way. I know that in 2005/6 the hospital I had my son at was roasted for several births where unnecessary medical intervention (in one case) / failure to spot signs that there were serious problems (in most of the cases) caused the death of either the mother or baby during the birth process. I'm sure I would never want to go near a hospital again if my child died in those circumstances , and would much prefer a home birth. Do you see my point?

I know you are angry and hurting. God, it's a horrific situation for your friend to be in. My heart goes out to her, and you. Anger is a huge part of the grieving process, and I would be also be feeling furious now if I were you.

Sorry - wrong thread!

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"if it weren't for the NCT and their ilk."

Pruners, I'd be interested to know who you're referring to when you say 'their ilk'. The Royal College of Midwives? They support women's choice to give birth at home. I know many midwives who suggest the option of homebirth to mothers who might not have considered it otherwise. Would you lump these midwives and the Royal College of Midwives in with the NCT as scurrilous and irresponsible promoters of homebirth/yogurt knitters etc?

Or have you just got it in for the NCT because they represent something that you really object to? Because, lets face it - the NCT acts as a handy scapegoat for those people who want to lash out at random against what they see as the 'natural birth/pro-breastfeeding' movement.

It's easy to do that with the NCT because most people don't have much contact with it - so you can rely on stereotyping and ridicule without being challenged (plus the fact that it's a middle class organisation so you can get extra 'class warrior' brownie points for slagging it off).

(I thought Pruners meant NCT and their ilk for opening up the idea of choice? probably wrong)

I had HB and it was right for me but I wouldn't try to persuade someone else to have one unless they were considering it. You've been through it all before and know what suits you.
Good Luck!

I loved my homebirth, I tell oodles of people how much I loved it... for me. There is no way I would tell other people to have one based on me enjoying it.

Tis like people insisting I go on rollercoasters because they love them... I like the ground thank you very much.

Are your DC's really called Charlei and Lola?

Sorry, back to the subject. You do what you darn well want, HB are great IF YOU WANT ONE!! If you are happy going to the m/w unit then FAB ! Even better, as you are clear what and why you want it.

Good luck. Enjoy, and tell everyone hassling you to stuff themselves

PRuners is pro homebirth and i thikn her reference to the NCT and their ilk was giving thanks for the fact homebirth is an option, rather than not....

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Are your DC's really called Charlei and Lola?

oh dear, my name was meant to be ironic

perhaps it is time to change back

FILLYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!??!!?

well I thought this was known...