Sudden change to birth plan scared of natural birth

[MJW1999]

Hello everyone. Idk if I am just being pathetic. I have been prepped for so long that I’ll need a c section (for years before my current pregnancy as I have medical issues) only to be told the night before my consultant appointment by my partner that he wants me to try a natural birth as he’s worried about the complications of a c section.

This was a massive shock as he was always on board with the idea of a c section and was always supportive of this. We’ve previously had a discussion where he was scared over me having an epidural but obviously with the plan being me having a c section he’s had to get over that.

This was until the Day of my consultant appointment. My consultant had said that she wanted to see if I still was wanting a c section as previously discussed (previously they had agreed on one but wasn’t happy about it) and has said they want me to try a natural birth as it’s safer and a better birth for me to do. My partner upon hearing this is even more determined that a natural birth is the best option. Without an epidural. I am petrified. I can’t sleep I am so anxious over this and I am so scared I’ll end up needing an Emergancy c section anyway and I’ll go through all the pain for nothing. I am so anxious I haven’t returned to work since my appointment and am planning on getting signed off as I am not sleeping through the anxiety. I’ve tried speaking to my DP but he just doesn’t understand and is seeing it as a massive positive to have a natural birth (currently breech) and doesn’t understand why I am so scared or even the extent of the fear I am feeling. I’m crying and shaking typing this as I am thinking about it all again and how potentially in the next few weeks I’m going to go through this.

Extra context before my current relationship I was in an abusive relationship where I was sexually abused and I have a fear of things down there and any form of pain down there can cause me to have a flash back which is also a fear for me.

I'm really sorry you are so upset and your partner doesn't seem to be listening to that.
If you are breech, surely noone is suggesting a vaginal delivery?
Even if baby turns, it's ultimately your decision not your partner's. I guess he is coming from a place of concern for your (physical) welfare but why have you been told that a vaginal birth is safer for you, for example? That's not usually the case. Both have risks but risks are usually equal. That's before considering the risks to your mental health.
I would suggest you just insist on c section and tell your partner how upset you are, if he hasn't realised.

You get to choose how you give birth. No one, not a doctor, not your partner, gets to choose.

If you want a c section, even if you had no 'reason' other than just wanting one, you get to have one.

Your consultant's job is to explain the risks to you and give their medical opinion, your job is to factor in the risks to your decision and make an informed choice. But the decision is yours and yours alone.

I ended up having a c section even though I originally wanted a vaginal birth, and it was a lovely experience. Calm, peaceful, relaxed. I recovered fast and well and had no complications at all. It was a textbook operation.

I chose a c section over an induction because of a similar history to you- I knew the statistics of intervention in inductions and I didn't want that. I felt that for me the safer option was the known risks of a planned section, not the unknown possibilities of an induction. I stand by that decision.

I suggest your DP looks up the risks himself, and stops trying to tell a woman what she should do with her own body.

I have a uterus defect which means a c section is less safe than a vaginal breech delivery. The problem is they didn’t realise the severity of this defect till they had managed to see my early pregnancy scans which took a while for them to gain access too for some reason as it was a different department. I just feel rubbish I am so scared. I am starting to worry it’s going to affect my relationship with my baby as I am so anxious about the birth.

Thank you for your response. He said he doesn’t want to see me in pain after having a c section which doesn’t make sense as surely seeing me give birth without an epidural is going to be seeing me in pain. 😳 I am rubbish with pain at the best of times and the thought of going through that much pain without strong pain relief scares me so much.

Ignore your dp and focus on two things ... the actual risks as stated by your consultant ... and what you want. Balance those two things. Would you be able to get a second opinion or another meeting with the consultant or a consultant midwife if this news about c section being more risky than vaginal birth has only just been dropped on you now? You need to make an informed decision ... which means you need information!
Do your midwifery team know your past history and fears?
Your dp is just being ridiculous so I would ignore him in decision making if he is just worried about your pain levels after a c section - that's what pain meds are for!

You know the risk of both options. Forget about your partner. What do YOU want to do ? Whatever that is, that's what you should do.

Your partner doesn't need to agree or approve. He needs to shut up and support you.

I'm sorry but why does he even have an opinion on whether you get an epidural or not?! I gave birth 5 weeks ago and would not have got through it without an epidural, and if my husband had tried to even have an opinion on how I gave birth he'd have been booted out.

Your birth partners job is to support YOU in having the birth you want (or end up with if things don't go immediately to plan). If he doesn't want to see you in pain then he should jog on, because there will be pain involved at some point, even if it's just someone drawing blood for a second.

I suggest you try to get another appointment with midwife or consultant and talk through your options again, then make a plan you are happy with, and tell your partner to get on board or get lost.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds like you feel you've lost control of the situation that you felt had been under control with the c-section.

What your partner wants is nice but I'm afraid for him, irrelevant: it's your body. So while it may sound horrible, put what he wants to the side completely.

Next, your consultant. She is there to inform you of risks so you can make an informed choice. Physically there is the issue of your uterus which you have to be told and advised about. But your sexual abuse history is also physical. It has real physical implications to you today, as well as psychological ones. Is there any way you can speak to your consultant again? A phone call even? Tell her exactly how much this is impacting you and if if you haven't already, tell her why. I have had to talk about something similar when I was scared about giving birth. It's not nice (or fucking fair either!) to have to but it's impacting you so much that she can't give you proper advice unless she knows. And I mean that even if she already knows your abuse history, then she doesn't know what's happening now.

I also wanted to let you know that there are many women who have the fears you do for the same or similar abuse reasons. I'm not trying to minimise what you're feeling. It's more that I want you to know you're really not alone and what you're feeling is completely normal given the circumstances. I'm not suggesting you make any particular decision, but please don't feel bad for how you feel right now. One thing that abuse does is take away our sense of control over our bodies and our ability to advocate for ourselves. It strikes me that right now you have two people who appear to be making decisions about your body and that it could really help you to get some control back by talking to the consultant and putting your DH's wishes aside on this occasion). You're allowed to do whatever works best for you here. You are who matters here, you are the only one giving birth.

The BRAIN acronym may help you in thinking about this and asking questions. It's used by doulas to help women giving birth to figure out what they want when presented with options by midwives/obstetricians, and often given to the birthing partner to use as the mother may not be able to talk or think properly in labour (so could later be useful for your DH to know). I find it's often useful when making health/treatment decisions.

B - benefits - what are the benefits of a c-section and of a vaginal delivery with mental health included?
R - risks - what are the risks of a c-section and of a vaginal delivery without epidural with mental health included?
A - alternatives - what are the alternatives (with epidural, anything else - what are their risks and benefits?)
I - intuition - have a think, by yourself, what do you feel is best for you?
(N - nothing - this is the last one which doesn't apply in this instance, but while you're in labour it would be "What happens if we do nothing for now?")

Don't be afraid of asking anything, including for what you want. And please don't feel shy about telling them how awful you're feeling. You deserve to be taken good care of here.

I am so anxious I haven’t returned to work since my appointment and am planning on getting signed off as I am not sleeping through the anxiety
So you'd get signed off due to an unsupportive boyfriend rather than addressing the real issue?

Who is telling you that you can't have an epidural?

Tbh OP you're going to have to stick to your guns here. What your DP wants doesn't actually matter as you're the one who delivers the child. You know your body and if a c section is for you, despite it's risks considering the uterine condition, then that's what you should go for.

I've given birth twice with an epidural and I've had two opposing experiences, sometimes it's effective and sometimes it's not. I'm going to have my third shortly and initially I wanted a c section but I have little family support and I have two other children aged 4 and 5 who need me to be as mobile as I can be. If it was my first I'd go for a section because you can go at your own pace.

Gas and air is very effective but can make you sick.

I think you're going to have to reassure your DP that you appreciate that he is nervous about the birth but you know what's best for your body and the child you have carried for 9 months.

How many weeks are you? If they’re suggesting vaginal delivery over c section then that’s obviously worth thinking about. However, the idea of insisting no epidural seems really weird. Would you feel better about the idea of a vaginal delivery if you knew you would get an epidural? What exactly about an epidural is he worried about?

It doesn't make sense that he doesn't want you to be in pain following a c section but is ok with you being in pain rather than have an epidural.

You can still insist on a C-section if that’s what you feel you need to get through birth mentally. However, it’s worth considering a vaginal birth since you’ve been advised that it would really be preferable physically in your case. Is there a medical reason why you can’t have an epidural? If not, insist on one if that’s what you want and need to try for a vaginal birth. If you need or want any vaginal exams (eg, to check progression/to place a monitor on baby etc) then an epidural will limit how much you feel these which may make it easier for you psychologically. The epidural will control the pain from contactions for you and if you need to have an EMCS often they can bolster the epidural rather than do a second anesthesia site.
Your partner can express an opinion but he doesn’t get a vote. This is your medical care and you are the one who gets to make the decisions. Ditto how your newborn baby gets fed. Partner’s can have opinions on bottle feeding and breastfeeding but mum is the one who gets to make that decision too.

I have given birth twice without epidural, both times my choice to decline as I didn't want one. If my partner had told me not to have one he would have been told where to get off. I understand if he's worried about the c section but you are the one giving birth and you make the best choice for you and your baby. And as PP have said, if he's worried about seeing you in pain after a section then seeing you give birth without an epidural if you reach a point where you feel you need one is going to tip him over the edge.

Epidurals are amazing I had one in labour and I loved it.
Ended up having an emergency section and baby was coming at an awkward angle and he could not be born vaginally.
Section was brilliant I was up and about really quickly recovered really well.

It's not his birth plan, it's yours.

Do you have a good relationship with your midwife? Why don't you arrange a chat with her without your partner there so that you can speak freely and have her run through the pros and cons of each plan
with you?

Where has the idea of 'without an epidural' come from? If you give birth vaginally why shouldn't you have an epidural?

Tell him you'll give birth without pain relief he agrees to have a vasectomy without pain relief immediately afterwards. Sorry, that obviously sounds silly but it boils down to the same thing - you cannot dictate what another person does with their body. I'd fully discount your partner's opinion - he can make his own birth plan when he's the one giving birth. Oh and fwiw I was in a lot less pain following a c section than I was during and after a vaginal birth which just goes to show his reasons don't even make sense.
Onto the next issue; I don't really understand what the problem is that you've mentioned but, ultimately, it's up to you how you give birth. Could you compile a list of questions to ask your consultant at your next appointment and see if you can figure out what would be best. Ensure you include everything relating to your past and anxieties. Also I'm not sure why you can't have an epidural? I'd definitely push for that.

Are the same poster who's partner wanted her to give birth without pain relief?

Anyway. It's your birth and your body. You need to speak to the consultants and really go through the risks for your situation.

If you can and need an epidural you can and should have one.

Tell your partner to shut up. It's not his body, not his birth.

My midwife team knows about my past issues and I have it written on my notes that I have a diagnosis of PTSD due to DV and R*pe

Thank you to everyone for all of your kind replies I really appreciate it. I am still learning how to use mumsnet so my replies don’t seem to attach to the initial comment I’m trying to reply to lol 😂

I'm very very very pro-natural birth, BUT if you don't want that and are worrying and stressed about the prospect of it, do what makes you most at ease! Your partners worries and concerns are valid and he's entitled to them, but he is NOT entitled to tell you what to do. The stress is not good for you or baby. I hope you get the birth you want, and everything goes well for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I deeply regret having a vaginal birth which was due to pressure from my DH and consultants. My baby is 9 months old and I suffer a lot of trauma and depression which strongly links back to people telling me what to do with my body during the birth. Make the decision for YOU!!

Totally understand the c-section debate and not knowing the risks I wouldn't want to weigh in, that is absolutely between you and your consultant

If you go for the vaginal birth then your husband gets zero say on the epidural. Why does his fear of you having it outweigh your fear of not having it? He needs to understand , in the nicest way possible, that his position is unacceptable. YOU are the one that needs to go through this, so frankly his wants come second to your needs.

I had an epidural for my first after initially being reluctant, and if I had a second baby I'd have it written in huge bold capital letters at the top of my notes "WANTS AN EPIDURAL AS SOON AS SHE IS ADMITTED" because it just made the whole experience so much better. If my husband had told me he didn't want me to have one when I was in labour I would have 100% thrown him out of the room, I was not in a place to be rationally explaining my needs, it was my way or the highway.

This is such a stressful time for you, I hope the birth goes well whatever you decide

Thank you everyone for all your responses honestly I feel I’ve had more support on this post than I did from any medical professional or my DP over this issue and it really is appreciated as I don’t feel so alone.

Im going to write out a list of pros and cons for both natural vs c section in line with what my consultant has said along with my own research.

I’ve contacted my consultant who’s booked me in for an appointment next week where I’ll ask them more in depth questions to hopefully come up with a solution. I have a private midwife appointment the end of this week so I’ll also ask her what she thinks. Does anyone know when you write your birth plan and with who?

My DP has seen someone who’s had an epidural for a different medical condition and they ended up wheelchair bound and unable to move due to damage I don’t really know too much about it as it was an exes of his grandad 🤷🏼‍♀️ But they were in another country for the op so idk if that contributes to the complications. I haven’t got a reason why I can’t have an epidural medically as such (I have bad hips but I can’t see if this would make the epidural an issue)

Honestly once again thank you everyone I really do feel a lot better even just getting it out in the open.