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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Should I get a doula this time?

35 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 14:29

I hope this is the right place for this thread, I am not pregnant but considering having my next child.

My first birth went very well, I had my daughter at home during lockdown. Because of everything that happened with covid my anxiety levels were high so I used my savings to pay for a private midwife and she was amazing.

I was overdue by 12 days and the hospital (I went there for a scan and to check my placenta on day 9) put a lot of pressure on me to induce saying I could end up with a dead baby (to reiterate, this was purely because I was late, no other indication that anything was wrong) and were hounding me with calls and (not very nice) voicemails. I found the last few days of my pregnancy very stressful, between the hospital and what felt like constant messages and calls from family and friends (and one person I don't even really know!!) asking where the baby was. I spent a lot of those days crying. I do wonder if this attributed to her being so late, I felt very frightened.

After my daughter was born and the excitement had died down, I found myself deeply angry with the way I was treated and I felt like this for at least the first year, it's only recently I have stopped feeling so angry.

I want to go private again next time but is it worth getting a doula as well? What's everyone experiences with a doula?

We don't have loads of money, but I would pay for a doula if they could help me feel better. The aftercare with my private midwife went on for about 3 weeks, I got a great deal of support so I'm not sure if a doula is necessary. I just want the best experience possible and not to worry so much this time.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Summerwetordry · 23/05/2022 15:05

I know nothing about doulas, but have read that most are a complete waste of money.

You're baby could have died and the professionals were only doing their duty to tell you that. If they hadn't and you had had a stillbirth, they would have been in serious trouble for not warning you. Personally I'd never take a risk against medical advice.

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 15:20

Summerwetordry · 23/05/2022 15:05

I know nothing about doulas, but have read that most are a complete waste of money.

You're baby could have died and the professionals were only doing their duty to tell you that. If they hadn't and you had had a stillbirth, they would have been in serious trouble for not warning you. Personally I'd never take a risk against medical advice.

You literally have a tiny snapshot in my post of what happened to me, you know very little. But I can tell you they were not trying to help me, they were covering their own back, the consultant didn't even know my name, he didn't know anything about me he just turned up heard I was 9 days over and made his speech then put me on a list to be called every day where I was left very unkind voicemails. It was never about me or my baby, I made an informed choice (which for us was the best thing for my baby) and I went for checks, they confirmed themselves that everything was healthy and looked great. For the hospital it was about liability.

I'm sorry if you have had a poor experience yourself, I presume that is why you felt the need to leave that comment, but please don't try to put it on me.

OP posts:
DinasCopUniform · 23/05/2022 15:28

Angry at who though? They were just doing their job...

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 23/05/2022 15:32

Your baby could have died though. They were giving you information so you could make an informed decision. You chose to carry on with the pregnancy. Your choice

Get a doula if you want but don't replace medical care with a doula

cantyfunt · 23/05/2022 15:33

@RedRobyn2021 on here I think you'll be flamed for any thing other than agreeing with any HCP. I believe you though. I'm a HCP and had similar advice given to me in my last pregnancy regarding the "do you want a dead baby?" Comments.

Making informed decisions is really important and women should be informed and supported not bullied.

Im currently PG and planning a home birth - despite a consultant telling me I should have a hospital birth and listing all the things that are going to kill me if I don't agree with her.

And for any one saying they're just doing their job..... that's great, but at work im V risk adverse too and always think it's going to be standing in coroners court or losing my registration when im telling people what I think they should do. It's difficult and different when it's your own body.

pjani · 23/05/2022 15:35

I think a doula sounds like a great idea. It sounds like you felt powerless and harassed and it has affected you since. A doula would be someone with you who can help you communicate and advocate for yourself if needed.

FWIW I also look back at a midwife laughing when I called crying from home wanting a Caesarian (I admit it is funny) while in ‘early labour’. Turns out I never had 3 contractions in 10 minutes and suspect I was home writhing in agony dilating to 10cm on my own for hours and hours! I found it upsetting. We are sensitive in these circumstances and need help not judgement.

Although. The risk of letting a pregnancy continue to 42 weeks are real (see link to paper about this). So I would try and see the doctor and those midwives as people, they deal with stillbirth and will be personally affected by it too. They would have been worried. It sounds like they could have done better at accompanying you on your journey rather than seeming to lecture or harass you. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6605635/

Take care and all the best.

rnsaslkih · 23/05/2022 15:36

I read an account on here where the OP saved for a doula but the doula just ate her snacks and pissed around on her phone whilst she was in labour.

Summerwetordry · 23/05/2022 15:37

@RedRobyn2021 I had the opposite. My baby was showing reduced movement and all I was given was a card to fill in when she moved. I was very overdue, two weeks, and nobody cared. I eventually had a two day labour with her back to back. She was wrinkled with very long nails and part of the placenta was withered and dead. I would have been grateful for a phone call to check. All I got was the midwife laughing and saying that my baby was very overcooked. Luckily she was ok, but I think it was a close call.

Soffit · 23/05/2022 15:41

"regarding the "do you want a dead baby?" Comments."
Well guess what I had? 'If you try to push this baby out then your fanjo will split open in such a way that it will never be possible to stitch it up in any form!'

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 23/05/2022 15:53

my friend used a doula who advocated for her wishes and quite possibly saved her baby’s life (pointing out signs of distress in the baby that were missed). She had an EMCS in the end and things were touch and go due to hospital preferring to avoid c-sections in pretty much any circumstances. So not the best birth experience but the doula support made all the difference.

it does depend who you get though as with most 1:1 support, I would start looking early if you want someone.

MistletoeMeadow · 23/05/2022 15:56

I’ve given birth once without a doula and once with a doula. If I have a third child I will definitely, within any hesitation, have a doula and it is a source of deep regret that I didn’t have one for my first birth.

SmileyClare · 23/05/2022 15:56

It's not clear if you were with a private hospital last time or just hired a private midwife to attend your home birth?

If you're planning a second home birth then you'll be attending check ups and scans at the same NHS hospital and that's where you'd be attending should there be any complications.

I'm not sure how a doula would have changed anything last time?

A doula is primarily there to support you through labour, a post natal doula supports you in looking after your baby in the first few weeks (does not provide childcare). They are popular in absence of a supportive partner or family.

Bear in mind, doulas require no qualifications. A 16 hour doula course is available so nothing like the 6 year training of an obstetrician. They cannot give medical advice on pregnancy.

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 15:59

DinasCopUniform · 23/05/2022 15:28

Angry at who though? They were just doing their job...

Yeah that's what I kept telling myself at the time, they're just doing their job. But the voicemails they left me were horrible. Really unprofessional IMO. I talked to the consultant about what I had read, Dr Amy Brown, Dr Sara Wickham, AIMS guidelines, NICE guidelines, WHO guidelines. I looked at all the statistics, I made an informed choice. Not that I should have to justify myself anyway to be honest, it's my body and my child. But I appreciate their position.

I was having a baby, it isn't my place to hold space for them to "do their job" I shouldn't have to listen to that on my phone when I was overdue and having my first baby stressed up to my eyeballs. I was absolutely fine until I got to that last week and they did that to me.

The anger was also directed at all the calls and the messages from family and friends. I KNOW they were well meaning, but god it's horrible when you're uncomfortable and you desperately want the baby to come.

I've worked through it now, I don't feel angry anymore. I read a little while ago that postnatal rage is quite common so maybe it was something to do with my hormones too? I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:05

@cantyfunt Thank you for your comment. This is the thing it wasn't like I was free birthing at home, I had two midwives looking after me. They weren't even independent midwives they were private and they worked within the NHS as well. Having the continuity of care helped a lot. I actually only wanted to birth at home because I was scared the hospital wouldn't let me have my partner with me and I felt that I needed his support. I'd want to do it at home next time though, it was nice just to get into my own bed after all that work. Good luck with your Homebirth I hope it goes well for you.

OP posts:
Schulte · 23/05/2022 16:06

I had a doula for DD1. She was great although DH found her very annoying 😂

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:07

@pjani thanks for your kind comment. Yes I know the risks, I made sure to read up. I didn't go over 42 weeks though. I do wonder if I hadn't have felt so stressed if I'd gone 12 days either to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:07

rnsaslkih · 23/05/2022 15:36

I read an account on here where the OP saved for a doula but the doula just ate her snacks and pissed around on her phone whilst she was in labour.

Well that sounds rubbish

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:08

Summerwetordry · 23/05/2022 15:37

@RedRobyn2021 I had the opposite. My baby was showing reduced movement and all I was given was a card to fill in when she moved. I was very overdue, two weeks, and nobody cared. I eventually had a two day labour with her back to back. She was wrinkled with very long nails and part of the placenta was withered and dead. I would have been grateful for a phone call to check. All I got was the midwife laughing and saying that my baby was very overcooked. Luckily she was ok, but I think it was a close call.

I'm sorry that happened. That is absolutely shocking. Did you put in a complaint? They should have listened to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:09

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 23/05/2022 15:53

my friend used a doula who advocated for her wishes and quite possibly saved her baby’s life (pointing out signs of distress in the baby that were missed). She had an EMCS in the end and things were touch and go due to hospital preferring to avoid c-sections in pretty much any circumstances. So not the best birth experience but the doula support made all the difference.

it does depend who you get though as with most 1:1 support, I would start looking early if you want someone.

That's amazing. Yeah I guess it's like all jobs some people aren't very good.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 23/05/2022 16:09

How does your partner feel about having a doula at the birth?

Could he step up and field your calls from over eager family in the days running up to the birth? That would be a cheaper option!

Pre natal depression or anxiety is recognised. However it sounds as though your first birth was during the pandemic (no doubt a stressful and worrying time) you were anxious about going into the unknown of childbirth, so a lot of anxiety may have stemmed from factors which won't be at play this time.

TheDuchessOfMN · 23/05/2022 16:09

No, I wouldn’t pay for a doula, never mind if money is already tight, and I had a VBAC, so very much all for doing things naturally (when it’s medically safe to do so).

You don’t mention your partner at all. Is he (or she)! supportive?

I understand that rage too OP, although well meaning, the “is the baby here yet” texts can be infuriating. Actually, I know of a few mums who even changed their due date so that they didn’t have to deal with those, eg if you’re due in mid June, say late June to anyone who isn’t close family

Good luck

Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:10

MistletoeMeadow · 23/05/2022 15:56

I’ve given birth once without a doula and once with a doula. If I have a third child I will definitely, within any hesitation, have a doula and it is a source of deep regret that I didn’t have one for my first birth.

How did you find the doula? What was it like having one?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:16

SmileyClare · 23/05/2022 15:56

It's not clear if you were with a private hospital last time or just hired a private midwife to attend your home birth?

If you're planning a second home birth then you'll be attending check ups and scans at the same NHS hospital and that's where you'd be attending should there be any complications.

I'm not sure how a doula would have changed anything last time?

A doula is primarily there to support you through labour, a post natal doula supports you in looking after your baby in the first few weeks (does not provide childcare). They are popular in absence of a supportive partner or family.

Bear in mind, doulas require no qualifications. A 16 hour doula course is available so nothing like the 6 year training of an obstetrician. They cannot give medical advice on pregnancy.

I hired a private midwife, so she came to my house or I would go to her for appointments, if I was due a scan she would organise it with my local hospital. I did begin the pregnancy with a community midwife who was very nice, but there was quite a bit of uncertainty about homebirths at the time (a lot of trusts kept changing the rules) and I was worried that I'd get to the end of my pregnancy and I wouldn't be able to have her at home due to the trust changing guidelines because of covid. Having a private midwife meant I had the assurance she would be there for me. She was wonderful too. So was the second midwife who was there at the birth and for the aftercare.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRobyn2021 · 23/05/2022 16:17

Schulte · 23/05/2022 16:06

I had a doula for DD1. She was great although DH found her very annoying 😂

This made me laugh

What was it like? What did she do?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 23/05/2022 16:22

I guess it's like all jobs, some people aren't very good

Hmm yes but this is an unregulated industry.

If you're hiring private midwives for a home birth I see no point in having a doula. A doula is essentially a "friend" who accompanies you in labour and advocates your birth plan for you when you're in too much pain to speak.

What are you hoping to get out of having a doula?