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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Vaginal birth - please read

75 replies

ttttttt22525 · 03/04/2022 22:55

What was your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/partner like during your vaginal birth?

I’m 8 weeks pregnant me and my boyfriend are quite young. We have some maturing to do, we’re not in school and we have lots of support we are nearly moved into our first home so we are getting there in that sense.

But my boyfriend has always been a bit immature about women’s issues such as periods etc.

I’m a bit nervous to give birth vaginally in front of him and potentially poop in front of him. I love him and he loves me I don’t know if it’s because I’m young I know it’s natural but I’m just nervous he’ll get all weird about it like he does periods and it’ll affect our relationship

Please don’t critisise my boyfriend for this he says he’ll work on it and he won’t be grossed out I’m just nervous

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 04/04/2022 20:49

you're partner just like many others does not have to look down below when the action is happening. he can hold your hand and stay focused on helping you breath and get into a good position.

Goldbar · 04/04/2022 20:50

To be blunt, you probably won't care about any of that at the time. You'll be focused on your labour and dealing with the pain.

Birth isn't a spectator sport and a birth partner is there to support you through it. It sounds as if you should do yourself a favour and take someone who will actually be able to actively support you through the birth (as opposed to just being 'ok' and 'not grossed out').

thebigpurpleone · 04/04/2022 20:52

Why the fuck are you having a baby with him

Jjjayfee · 04/04/2022 20:52

Tell him to stay at the top end. I'm squeamish and would not have liked to be a the tail end when I gave birth. Hopefully he will give you emotional support

BiscuitLover3678 · 04/04/2022 20:55

You’re very early days. Please try not to worry. You have a long pregnancy to get over all of this - the good thing is he says he’s trying. You need to keep normalising the whole things. I don’t want to scare you but it gets a whole lot more crazy than that and he is going to have to be ok with a lot of gross things.

You and your baby are the important ones - remember that.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 04/04/2022 20:56

Some harsh replies - you’ve recognised yourself he’s a bit immature. There are worse things he could be, and doesn’t mean he’ll be a useless dad!

As far as birth, if he stays up at the head end then he won’t be aware if you poop or not. From my experience, there was a LOT going on and my husband very much took a backseat to proceedings! You might find this is what helps him deal with being squeamish about periods/womens bodies etc!

Good luck Flowers

whatstheteamarie · 04/04/2022 21:02

Your DP isn't a midwife, so doesn't really need to see your vagina during birth.

My DH was mostly holding my hand and talking to me (so looking at my face) during the process because that's what supported me most.

Equally, my friend's husband had to deliver her baby as she gave birth quickly and unexpectedly (both mum & baby were thankfully fine) so whether her planned to see the baby come out or not he didn't get a choice.

Work out what would help YOU the most and aim for that, but giving birth is not an exact science, so don't be surprised if your plans change on the day.

Good luck with whatever happens.

EveSix · 04/04/2022 21:08

Hm. Your BF might benefit from reading some birth stories where men stepped up: try Ina May Gaskin's Spiritual Midwifery for great photos and birth stories featuring men who were not squeamish or immature.
Send him a playlist of birth videos on YouTube, pick ones with women who are letting it all hang out, who are not holding back, whether they have their partners present or not. Normalise what you feel most worried about. Don't watch them together; you don't want to watch him wincing or cringing, making you feel even more insecure. Tell him that he can attend the birth of your child when he's ready to bow down to you as the birthing goddess you are and cherish every dribble of blood or smear of poo, every stitch, every stretch mark as a jewel in your motherhood crown. Something like that.

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 04/04/2022 21:09

I was 22 when I got pregnant, 23 when I gave birth. Admittedly DH was 27.

He was utterly fantastic and an advocate for me. He definitely did see me poo (very normal and totally fine, make room for the baby to pass through). He was absolutely there for me and on my side. He is a very private man by nature and we never leave toilet doors unlocked etc but it didn't seem to matter. He sat with me repeatedly latching and unlatching DD in front of a full length mirror until we got the hang of it.

Things that helped us be prepared were:

NCT / antenatal classes - knowing about the physiological process of birth and what to expect

Knowing each other really well, including preferences around birth.

Being very clear that I was allowed to change my mind about eg pain relief, breastfeeding. His role was to gently question and help me double check my choices, NOT withhold anything I was asking for with my own full capacity to do so

Planning in advance - if this, then that. Right up to and including maternal or neonatal death. Helped us both feel as in control as possible.

Treating him like a grown up. He packed his own hospital bag. No way was I fannying about putting snacks in for him like I see so many baby magazines recommend.

What happens in the delivery room stays in the delivery room. No mocking the noises I made, no mentioning (even in jest) about "favourite pubs burning down" etc. It was his privilege, not his right, to be there.

Having a back up birth partner for eg if he passed out, got d&v or if he simply wasn't up to the job. Mine would have been my dad and we all discussed this at length.

Talk about the misogyny surrounding women's bodies. I refuse to be disgusted by my own body. (You must refuse to accept his disgust. It's not funny. If he feels that strongly then he has no business having sex or fathering babies.)

All the very best for a boring 7 months ahead OP. A baby! How lovely. Flowers

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 04/04/2022 21:11

Oh and it is absolutely fine for him not to cut the cord if it's a bridge too far for him. Don't let the midwife pressure him. My DH just said "no thank you"!

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 04/04/2022 21:18

Sounds like you are thinking and planning for what's ahead OP. As others have said, it is fine for him to stay at your head end or for you to choose a different birth partner if that makes you more comfortable. Maybe consider watching some 'one born every minute' episodes (although my DH refused). As someone else said it might also be worth preparing him for what to do if you go into Labour early or quickly. Do you have someone else close by who could help if needed?

EveSix · 04/04/2022 21:32

What Bottling said:
Talk about the misogyny surrounding women's bodies. I refuse to be disgusted by my own body. (You must refuse to accept his disgust. It's not funny...)

Grammarmum · 04/04/2022 21:40

@AlaskaFound

At 8 weeks pregnant you don’t know if you will be having a vaginal birth.

Yea, you’ve got some maturing to do.

Gosh …not a very encouraging comment to make ..not sure why you bothered to pp !
Luredbyapomegranate · 04/04/2022 21:42

Have your mum or best friend with you instead.

Consider whether this man is a good life partner.

Mrsmch123 · 04/04/2022 21:52

We are in our 30's and my husband still laughs that I pooped during labour🙈 he's a fantastic dad. He was absolutely my rock during labour, cheered me on, rubbed my back, helped me stay calm. He can be quite shy and awkward generally but was my advocate for sure during labour. He was in absolute awe of seeing his son being born. Your boyfriend might surprise you.

ThreeLocusts · 04/04/2022 22:30

OP as others have said if he's squeamish consider leaving him at home. But more urgently: you sound as if you feel almost apologetic towards him for possibly grossing him out.

I hope I'm wrong - don't make yourself dependent on his approval of every detail of your body and its functions. Under no circumstances apologise to him for anything 'iffy' to do with pregnancy and birth.

Giving birth is a massive effort, an adventure and an achievement, poo or no poo. Focus on what an amazing thing your body will do. Good luck!

EdgeOfACoin · 05/04/2022 04:32

@BottlingBurpsForGrandma

I was 22 when I got pregnant, 23 when I gave birth. Admittedly DH was 27.

He was utterly fantastic and an advocate for me. He definitely did see me poo (very normal and totally fine, make room for the baby to pass through). He was absolutely there for me and on my side. He is a very private man by nature and we never leave toilet doors unlocked etc but it didn't seem to matter. He sat with me repeatedly latching and unlatching DD in front of a full length mirror until we got the hang of it.

Things that helped us be prepared were:

NCT / antenatal classes - knowing about the physiological process of birth and what to expect

Knowing each other really well, including preferences around birth.

Being very clear that I was allowed to change my mind about eg pain relief, breastfeeding. His role was to gently question and help me double check my choices, NOT withhold anything I was asking for with my own full capacity to do so

Planning in advance - if this, then that. Right up to and including maternal or neonatal death. Helped us both feel as in control as possible.

Treating him like a grown up. He packed his own hospital bag. No way was I fannying about putting snacks in for him like I see so many baby magazines recommend.

What happens in the delivery room stays in the delivery room. No mocking the noises I made, no mentioning (even in jest) about "favourite pubs burning down" etc. It was his privilege, not his right, to be there.

Having a back up birth partner for eg if he passed out, got d&v or if he simply wasn't up to the job. Mine would have been my dad and we all discussed this at length.

Talk about the misogyny surrounding women's bodies. I refuse to be disgusted by my own body. (You must refuse to accept his disgust. It's not funny. If he feels that strongly then he has no business having sex or fathering babies.)

All the very best for a boring 7 months ahead OP. A baby! How lovely. Flowers

This is all very good advice. Do this, OP.

I think getting your partner to understand the physiology behind periods as well may get him to grow up a bit in that respect (I would hope!)

Also, to give you some reassurance - you might poop during labour but you might not . A lot of women do and it's perfectly normal. However, it's not a given and not every woman does. I was fully expecting to, but didn't.

EdgeOfACoin · 05/04/2022 04:39

We are in our 30's and my husband still laughs that I pooped during labour

I wonder how many women used to laugh at mothers for pooping during labour back in the days when giving birth was only done in the presence of other females.

I suspect not many.

I'd be highly unimpressed by any man who did this, regardless of how wonderful they were normally.

lavenderlilaclily · 05/04/2022 07:45

Wow there are some harsh replies to this thread!

You’re only 8 weeks pregnant, so there’s a lot of time to address both your anxieties. Are you able to do any birthing classes (through the hospital or something like this?)? This might be helpful as you go together and learn what to expect. I’d also recommend for both you and your partner maybe reading/listening to some of the hypnobirthing literature/podcasts - ignore the term “hypnobirthing” and how pretentious or hippy dippy it may sound - as this generally is really good at gently but scientifically presenting what happens at every stage of labour, and may calm both your fears around it, and show you how your partner can help even in simple ways like bringing you water, giving you encouragement, making the room smell nice, etc.

I also think once you get further on in the pregnancy and you start seeing your baby on the scans, your bump starts to grow and baby starts to kick, you both start building a connection to the baby that might help with maturing to it all a bit.

Also fwiw I didn’t poop during labour :) I did vomit a lot though - not sure if that’s better - but my partner was following me around with a container trying to catch it. It was nice or attractive! But at that point honestly neither of you cares, I promise.

lavenderlilaclily · 05/04/2022 07:47

And as others have said - ultimately he doesn’t need to be there. If his attitude is making you anxious about birth, choose not to have him there, and have someone more supportive and mature about it instead so that you have the best and calmest possible experience for you. It doesn’t mean he won’t be a good father.

lavenderlilaclily · 05/04/2022 07:47

*WASN’T nice or attractive 😂

mamabr · 05/04/2022 07:53

Well he's going to get a surprise!

I'm sure he will snap out of it when he sees child birth and he gets poo and pee on himself when changing a nappy!
My daughter projectile pooed at me whilst newborn..

Jk987 · 05/04/2022 07:54

Wow the first few comments were so unsupportive! The OP is a young Mum to-be coming on here for help. She doesn't deserve patronising comments.

Grammarmum · 05/04/2022 08:04

@Jk987

Wow the first few comments were so unsupportive! The OP is a young Mum to-be coming on here for help. She doesn't deserve patronising comments.
100% Agree…I genuinely don’t understand what these people get out of being so bloody rude and patronising!
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 05/04/2022 08:09

He doesn’t have to be there during the birth OP. He can be the first to meet your child afterwards instead :) You don’t need to be worrying about your partner feeling grossed out while you’re giving birth. Really, if he’s going to make you nervous and worried he doesn’t get to be in the room. Birth is about mum and baby. Dad can be present to support if mum wants him there and he wants to be there. If you’re alone, the midwives will look after you. If it’s an option, take your mum or a sister or friend who have been through childbirth themselves. Insist your bf attends antenatal classes with you. It will help preposition him and give you an indication of whether he’s getting over himself and his fears further along in your pregnancy.

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