Wished I'd known more......

[Willow2]

This is a continuation of a line of thought I was having in Childbirth - Not as bad as I thought it would be - which I thought should continue elsewhere! First time mums to be might not want to read on.

First off - I had a horrendous birth. Still the stuff of nightmares 2 and half years on. Don't want to go in to detail now. Maybe one day.
Afterwards my aunt said to me "welcome to the biggest secret in the world". And she was right. Up until that point all I had ever heard was that yes, childbirth hurt like hell but the wonderful thing was that the minute the baby was born it all stopped and within days you'd be hard pressed to remember what it felt like and isn't nature wonderful etc. etc.

Since then I have heard more horror stories than I would ever have thought possible. The point I am trying to make is that, had I been aware of some of these, I would have chosen different options during the course of my ds birth and would not have suffered anyway near as much as a result. Additionally, I think if more fuss was made of the "horror stories" they might not be as frighteningly commonplace as they are - because either I have a really unlucky circle of acquaintances or standards are nowhere near as high as they should be out there. Instead the view is that we should all sit quietly and not scare anyone. It's almost as if we've all (medical profession included) become so fixated on the fact that people give birth every day that we daren't admit just how dangerous it can be.

Having said that, I would no more sit down and tell some heavily pregnant first timer what I went through than stick needles in her eyes. Yet surely the only way you can have an "informed" birth is if you are aware of both sides of the coin? And surely if you are aware of the bad then you can take steps to limit it?

Anyway, it's late and I'm rambling.

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i MUST AGREE With Ionesmum, I too, knew all the horror stories and everything hat could go wrong during birth (so that I could make an informed choice should it come to it, at least I'd know why some procedure or other was needed), but next to zero about breastfeeding and those first few weeks.
It was partly my own fault, as I assumed breastfeeding would come natural, and did not worry at all about the 'after'. I was also so smug and naive a sto think I would never get PND as I'd be just TOO happy to have my baby.
I know I did not make an effort to know more, but NO ONE (no books, magazines, midwives, Antenatal classes) said anything about how painful and tiring breastfeeding can be. It really came in as a shock to me. No one said anything about how bad babyblues can be beacuse you're overtired, you don't sleep, eat badly, and have a new baby that depends entirely from you.

And I admit, that I've made it a mission of mine to tell any of my friends about it, because I am sure if I'd known it would not have as bad and I'd have a better memory of first dd's 3 months (totally agree with you Inkpen: knowledge is power).
(I also make it clear that it's all worth it, of course, but why should one find out about the negative aspects of motherhood the hard way??? I am convinced one of the reasons I had such a positive memory of labour is that I knew that everything that was going on was normal, and I was never in a panic - in pain yes, very much though)

I agree with what someone has said about only learning about the birth and not the 'after' ...

I remember looking at people with more than one child and thinking, 'How can you go through that more than once?'!!!

Also no one REALLY tells you about the tiredness do they? I mean they tell you about being tired but not the extent of it. I remember crying on my SIL's shoulder asking if the tiredness would ever go away ... she was very honest, bless her, and said no, but I would just get used to it - she was right, it hasn't and I have go used to it!

Losing my sleep was a HUGE shock to me ... I used to love my sleep ... lie ins, afternoon naps, morning naps, you name it. No chance of any of that now!!!

Interesting comments about 'birth plans' - I recently told a friend who spent a lot of time on hers to read it over a few times and then tear it up and chuck it in the bin ... cynical I know, but I just can not see why anyone should be encouraged to 'plan' their birth ... No - one can plan anything like that unless you have an elective c-section, surely? Is there anyone out there who can truly say that exactly what they planned happened?

I still stand by everything I wrote in my birth plan! Everything I wrote may not have happened but my choices were clear and, where possible, we followed them.

I think they're extremely worthwhile IF you accept that they are only a plan (or wish list if you prefer) and not set in stone. Mine covered pretty much every eventuality up to emergency c-section and SCBU. My midwives referred to it which meant that my wishes were clear and also DH had some idea of my wishes. And that's all they are after all - wishes. As you say, no one can actually plan their birth.

OK, I said I would "prefer no episiotmy but not the point of tearing badly" and ended up with both. OK, I said I wanted to choose my positions and chose to whimper at the foot of the bed. But I also made it clear I didn't want pethidine, that I wanted my babies to have Vit K by mouth rather than injection. 2nd time round I made it clear that I wanted to be left alone with just the baby and DH before any repair work after I missed seeing DS1 for about 4 hours. All these things are easily put in your birth plan and a good midwife will read it and follow it as far as possible. I made it clear at the beginning of the plan that it was only a plan and we were prepared to discuss things as and when they occur.

Yes, my 1st plan was niaive, but only because I actually thought that was how it would go. 2nd time round, it actually read mostly the same as the 1st one with a few extras to cover things I'd learnt from the 1st one.

So, the result of that waffle is that yes, you should have a birth plan settingout your wishes for the birth of your child. It stands in for you when you may be incapable of making your wiahes known. However, make it as flexible as possible and be prepared to change it as things progress.

Ghosty, I know I'm lucky, but yes, everything I put in my birth plan happened. Except that my mum was allowed in the room (I was at home) and I'd originally said she wasn't to come in since she thought I was mad to go for a home birth and I didn't want anyone who was anxious about my choice around me (sorry to sound like a hippy, I'm not!) But all the other stuff, being in the bath, gas and air, moving around, no episiotomy, DH cutting the cord etc etc did happen. But like I said, I do know that I was very lucky.

I wish I had known how miserable it is possible to feel the first few weeks after birth - and how I would get over it. I cried every day thinking "what have I done" - I was in complete mourning for my old life. It took me a while to truely bond with my son and I felt like I had made the biggest, most irreversible mistake of my life. Now I love him to bits and wouldn't be without him, but I remember feeling so angry about the "conspiracy of silence". By the way, he was also positioned posterially - which I discovered when contractions started - and until just now (when I read the messages above) I didn't know there was anything I could have done to help. When I was in much pain with very frequent contractions I still remember the insult of being told I "wasn't in established labour" yet - what the bloody hell was it then??

I wish I'd have known not to have curry the night before I gave birth

berries, uuggggggggggh!

That when I stood up for the first time after a long labour/long time pushing, stitched to my neck (well, thta's what it felt like!), it would feel as if my insides had hit the floor! I actually looked to check!!! Also, that the advice in various books that your perinium would stretch so thin that the nerve endings would go numb as the head crowns is the biggest load of s* going!!!!!

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