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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Wished I'd known more......

60 replies

Willow2 · 08/10/2002 01:20

This is a continuation of a line of thought I was having in Childbirth - Not as bad as I thought it would be - which I thought should continue elsewhere! First time mums to be might not want to read on.

First off - I had a horrendous birth. Still the stuff of nightmares 2 and half years on. Don't want to go in to detail now. Maybe one day.
Afterwards my aunt said to me "welcome to the biggest secret in the world". And she was right. Up until that point all I had ever heard was that yes, childbirth hurt like hell but the wonderful thing was that the minute the baby was born it all stopped and within days you'd be hard pressed to remember what it felt like and isn't nature wonderful etc. etc.

Since then I have heard more horror stories than I would ever have thought possible. The point I am trying to make is that, had I been aware of some of these, I would have chosen different options during the course of my ds birth and would not have suffered anyway near as much as a result. Additionally, I think if more fuss was made of the "horror stories" they might not be as frighteningly commonplace as they are - because either I have a really unlucky circle of acquaintances or standards are nowhere near as high as they should be out there. Instead the view is that we should all sit quietly and not scare anyone. It's almost as if we've all (medical profession included) become so fixated on the fact that people give birth every day that we daren't admit just how dangerous it can be.

Having said that, I would no more sit down and tell some heavily pregnant first timer what I went through than stick needles in her eyes. Yet surely the only way you can have an "informed" birth is if you are aware of both sides of the coin? And surely if you are aware of the bad then you can take steps to limit it?

Anyway, it's late and I'm rambling.

OP posts:

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sobernow · 08/10/2002 02:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

robinw · 08/10/2002 04:06

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SueW · 08/10/2002 09:13

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

SoupDragon · 08/10/2002 09:27

No one knew DS1 was badly positioned until he came out! At that point, I guess it's too late to do anything Spent a lot of time on all fours when heavily pregnant with DS2 though. I think OFP is something that should be routinely added to the NCT (and NHS) antenatal classes.

Anyway, I found labour 1st time round awful, with no positive memories at all. I had hypnotherapy before DS2 in the hope that it would make me more relaxed - which it did - but it didn't lead to the pain free birth I was hoping for!

I'm not sure I would have wanted to know more as it puts you in a negative state of mind. With DS2 I was sent for a growth scan at 38 weeks and TBH I really didn't want to know how big he was going to be as I was worried it would make me feel I couldn't do it. I also inadvertently found out he was a boy at this scan with is something I'd rather have not known either

I certainly envy the women who say "you forget about the pain" and genuinely mean it. That's pretty much all I remember from either of mine!

SueW · 08/10/2002 11:09

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

ionesmum · 08/10/2002 15:22

I was one of those people who read every preganacy book and magazine, evry internet site, and positively encouraged women to scare the daylights out of me. Our antenatal classes focussed solely on the birth and I don't believe I could have been better informed. What the antenatal classes SHOULD have told us (and didn't) was what it is like in the first few weeks after the birth. In particular, I could have bneen so much better informed about breastfeeding, and also on how to cope with colic, crying, sleeplessness, how many layers to put on a baby etc. etc. We were turfed out of hospital and left to it.

bundle · 08/10/2002 15:43

wish I'd known that I might vomit during labour - ie all the way through - and become so dehydrated I'd need a drip

anais · 08/10/2002 20:02

To me the point seems to be that we need more staff available, and for them to be more approachable. Most of these things which have been mentioned could, potentially, have been resolved if someone would have spent a bit of time with us mums to be, and answered the questiuons that each of us individually wanted to know. Sadly, in the underfunded NHS this seems to be one of the things that is lacking

pupuce · 08/10/2002 21:24

That's why you need a doula

More seriously... also had an OP labour but seem to have reacted differently to it as some of you have... I need to add it was a 24hour labour with a 6h30 2nd stage (just in case you think it wasn't a bad OP)... and baby stayed OP throughout and had NO pain relief (not even gas and air because I hated it and was at home so forget epidural)... still I am very proud and have happy memories of my labour...
I recently read from an author that we needed to take responsibility for our labours (ie not blame the mw or doctor or who ever else) and forgive ourselves... I think that it's very true.

Willow2... what about trying to move on from this bad experience ? Is there no one qualified you can talk to ? It is such a shame to stay on such a bad memory....

Clarinet60 · 08/10/2002 21:26

Willow2, I agree with you whole-heartedly. DS1s birth was badly managed and torture, DS2 an elective c-section (bliss!), and I'll never get over the trauma of ds1. It must be lovely for those on the other thread who had good experiences, but when I read them, we could be on different planets.

pupuce · 08/10/2002 21:30

That's why you need a doula

Willow2... what about trying to move on from this bad experience ? Is there no one qualified you can talk to ? It is such a shame to stay on such a bad memory....

Lollypop · 08/10/2002 22:17

I wish I'd been able to ask more during the birth - too high on pethadine. I saw the scissors for the cord and thought it was me they were going to cut and panicked.
I also wish I'd known about my milk suppy changing on day 4 after the birth, I had the blues & baby had no food. Not to mention how sore my bum was!

Original poster

Willow2 · 09/10/2002 19:17

Droile - you echo my thoughts. That's not to say that I wouldn't go through it all again, but if I did it would have to be by CS.
Pupuce, I have been through a long period of counselling which has helped tremendously. I am still angry at the way that I was treated and my birth was managed, but I am a different and much stronger person to the one I was two and a half years ago. It has taken a long time to get here, but I do feel that I am at last ME again. But thanks for the advice anyway!

OP posts:

ks · 09/10/2002 20:02

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Clarinet60 · 09/10/2002 21:22

I'm inclined to dodge the question now when confronted by first timers. This is partly because I told someone to be sure to have an epidural if she was induced, only to be told that there were no epidurals available in the hospital she was going to! I couldn't think of any way back from that, so had to shut my trap.

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2002 23:04

I've turned into one of those annoying women who says "well, it bloody well hurts but I can't explain it". I didn't have too bad a time compared to many others (8 hours, gas and air, at home) but it still did hurt, a lot, and I haven't forgotten it. Read somewhere that "when you think you're about to die and you think you can't go on any more, it's nearly over". Sums it up for me. So I keep quiet-ish since I think it's impossible to explain if you've never done it. And only once you've experienced it can you have any idea what childbirth is all about. Feel free to disagree, but that's how it feels for me. I read everything I could get my hands on but I don't think anything but the reality could have prepared me IYSWIM.

Katherine · 10/10/2002 09:00

My first labour really knocked me for 6. It was very intense from the word go and I just panicked. All I could think was "I can't go through 12 hours of this". If only I'd put this into words then the MW would probably have pointed out it was unlikley to be much longer at all (whole thing over in 3.5hrs). My point is that I was so full of all the info I'd read and been told that I KNEW first labours went on forever and the intensitiy of it all really shocked me. The whole thing was pretty gruesome.

However 2nd time when my waters broke and the contractions kicked in I knew it was following the same pattern. This time I stayed much calmer as the only thought in my mind was "It'll all be over soon" and it was (1.20 this time). The pain wasn't nearly so bad but I'm sure it was because I was calmer (and comfortable at home and not being hurled around an ambulance flying over the moors!).

Both my births were very different. If I told someone about the first it would put them off. If I told them the happy nature of the second they wouldn't beleive me. The first definietly helped me with the second but all labours are so very different I think its hard to "prepare" someone. My only advice would be to be ready for the unexpected and never assume anything.

Ghosty · 10/10/2002 11:03

I hated every one after my DS was born - I couldn't believe everyone had lied to me...All my friends who already had children were all soppy and soft focussed about my pregnancy - I couldn't believe that they had forgotten to tell me how shocking giving birth was...
I wish that someone could have told me the real possibility of labour 'not progressing'... I knew that you could have a c-section if there was a problem with the baby but it never occurred to me that I would not be able to give birth myself ...I felt like the biggest failure on the planet after 40 hours of staying at 5cm ...
I wish that someone could have told me all about the possibility of not loving my baby the moment I saw him - that was what really shocked me ... he could have been anyone's baby ... he certainly didn't feel like the one that had been in my tummy ...
One of the worst things now is that I can still (If I let myself think about it for too long) feel very jealous of people who do give birth naturally and of those who are in love with their newborns ...

monkey · 10/10/2002 13:05

What really made me angry was women's reactions AFTER the birth. I mean it was horrendously agonising, I couldn't sit down, I felt like shit basically, and I could have really done with some sympathy & empathy, but it's all stiff upper lip, like even after the event there's this great communal lie that it's not that bad. Blimey, if any of the men I know had gone through such a frightening and painful experience we wouldn't hear the bloody end of it.

I agree with Ionesmum about the lack of info after the birth. I don't know anyone who's had a good post-natal experience on the NHS. Mine was so bad I left the hospital 2 days after having an emergency caesarian. The standard of care was positively second-world, barbaric, a totally miserable experience. I had my second child abroad and the difference was unbelievable. The standard of care, the standard of the surroundings, and the food and EVERYTHING was 100% better. I stayed in a whole week with number 2, and the day I left the doctor tempting said "you doon't have to go home yet if you don't feel like it...." Dh thought he was going to have to take an eviction order out to get me back home! (the birth was again a horrible experience, but every memeber of staff I came into contact with gave such considerate, attentive care the difference psychologically was amazing)

Scatterbrain · 10/10/2002 13:24

I wish I'd known that it was perfectly normal to have those horrible night sweats - I thought I'd got some ghastly infection !

AND I wish I'd known how much you really do continue to bleed for a week or so after - I had only bought 1 pack of maternity pads !!!

AND I wish I'd known that I still looked huge - coz I felt as light as a feather - but many photos are evidence that I was still huge !!!

Philippat · 10/10/2002 13:36

Well, there's no doubt I am a lucky one, not just in the fact I had a much easier labour than any of you below by the sound of things! but also because I had fantastic care.

dd was posterier towards the end, my community midwife told me, told me what to do, I spent the next week on my hands and knees or over the bean bag and she turned. Our parentcraft classes went into a lot of detail about labour, birth, and afterwards. My birthing midwives were fantastic but most importantly empowered me to do everything the way I wanted to. My husband was a wonderful birthing partner - taught me how to use gas and air correctly so it actually helped when I needed it to. And afterwards my community midwife was again there in my house helping, as was my gp. When I talk to my friends in the US, I seem to have considerably better care throughout, but maybe I was very lucky.

I'm not sure what it helps a pregnant person to know - if I'd heard ALL the bad stories when pregnant I probably wouldn't have been as calm as I was. I watched LOADS of those baby programmes on sky in late pregnancy and I think that helped a lot - watching a lot of births seemed to make me more realistic.

I think the most important thing to pass on is that you honestly can't plan how it's going to be. If you're the kind of person who takes control through knowledge that makes it very difficult. Being able to turn off your thinking brain and tune in to your body's requirements is a very tough thing to teach.

Azzie · 10/10/2002 14:09

I think what I would say to anyone expecting their first baby is not to have too hard and fast ideas. You can't possibly know what labour is going to be like and how you will react to the pain until it's happening. No one can describe how it feels. I feel really sad when I come across someone who had their heart set on a 'natural' birth, and feels an awful failure because it didn't work out that way.

Ghosty - I didn't 'fall' for my ds straight away. For the first 3 days of his life I went through the motions of being a good mother, but basically didn't feel connected at all, although everyone else in my family was gooing over him. I could see that he was a perfectly nice looking baby, but he could have been anyone's. On the evening of the third day I took him down to the nursery to change his nappy, looked down at him, and suddenly felt flooded with this immense protective feeling which has never gone away. How someone who doesn't bond with their baby for a long time gets through those first few weeks I just don't know - it must be awful.

Rhubarb · 10/10/2002 14:41

I wish I'd known more about what having sex could lead to.......

Bumblelion · 10/10/2002 14:45

I wish I had known that it wouldn't hurt as much as I thought (each one getting easier and less painful, less time).

I also wish I had known how big I looked whilst pregnant - went to Majorca when 32 weeks pregnant (wouldn't let me fly home - another story) last summer and went topless - thought I didn't look that big! When I got the photos back, couldn't believe that my mum and two kids let me walk on the beach looking like I did. Very scary (and the size of those nipples - wow!!!).

Crunchie · 10/10/2002 14:46

I agree a bit about the conspiracy theory of mothers when describing giving birth. My mum said it was a bit like bad period pains!!

However I had 2 c-sections, one at 27 weeks and had no real choice. In all honesty I found the pre and post care fantastic in both cases, my community midwife who came every couple of days when I was at home couldn't have been better.

Overall however I think women as a general rule are made to fel bad about giving birth, wanting pain relief, and even wanting information. This leaves people feeling guilty about not having a 'natural' birth and not bonding with their babies. Ghosty I would say it took me nearly 6 months before I actually felt my first dd was mine. Second time around I was prepared not to bond, and it took a few weeks before I realsied how much this little bundle meant to me.

That's why Mumsnet is so good as we are as honest as we can be about our experiences and I think everyone here wants to get rid of their guilt feelings. I know I come here to check I am 'normal' and that my kids are too, and that life is not a bowl of cherries, and motherhood can be totally c**p at times. You can't really admidt to all this in REAL life

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