Please help me not feel so terrified and guilty

[thefishthatcouldwish]

Please bear with me this post may be long. Basically after 5 years and a successful IVF round I am 40.2 today. I will try and be brief but feeling very down worried and anxious.

Although it’s an ivf pregnancy I was considered low risk ( after a discussion with my ivf consultant) and that I should be treated like every other pregnancy. Which I have until now.

On Saturday at 40 weeks had midwife couldn’t be sure how baby was presenting so sent me for a scan. This was after a sweep attempt. The area I live the care is midwife led unless high risk and general hospital is an hours drive or more away not in the area.

Turned out baby was breech.

Yesterday was in hospital to try and turn baby which didn’t work.

Yesterday the consultant and doctor and midwife questioned me and made me feel awful like I’m already a bad mum. Questions like why I was allowed to go Over when the medical guidelines state that ivf pregnancy shouldn’t and I should have been induced before hand. Why I wasn’t consultant led from the start with the risk involved etc. All of which I don’t know the answer to. All I know is i have been happy with the level of care I have received from midwife team locally.

So now tomorrow I am going in again to try and turn the baby which may or may not work. If it does it will start an induction and if not I will have a cesarian. Those are the only options. I know many many woman have both But I just wanted a calmer labour in the birth centre that I know.

I am terrified by a cesarian section I am scared that I won’t be allowed or able to hold baby or have the skin to skin that I want. The midwife said I wouldn’t manage anything when baby is born and it be up to DH to do everything in terms of putting nappy on and his hat and holding him. I’m scared I won’t be baby’s mum.

If I’m induced I hate the fact but understand why my partner can’t be there for most of it. If I’m induced he can stay at start for a short time then join for active labour.

I hate the idea of my legs in stirrups totally and utterly hate the idea after ivf I am very anxious about this.

I know my birth plan has gone to pot and I just get the impression it will be ignored anyway. Even if elements can be done.

All of above terrifies me and makes me down.

I want to shake off how I feel but have woke up feeling worse.

Thank you all for the kind messages.

I have read them all and feel a lot calmer than this morning after a good cry.

I would refuse the EVC and go for ELC it will be lovely and calm you can ask for gown to be put on backwards so you can have skin to skin I was up and In the shower 10 hours after mine

I'm sure it's been said before, but so, so many women don't get the birth they dreamed of. Birth experiences are completely out of your control.

Like others, I'd take the ELCS in a heartbeat.

And trust me when I say that in a year, how your baby was born will literally never come up in conversation again (except when they ask you, and IME c section stories are the favourite ones with kids). Motherhood does not end with childbirth, it's just that when you are pregnant/with a newborn it is the only experience of motherhood you have and it's natural to want to do it 'perfectly'.

Thinking of you. C sections are still giving birth and having an elective c section takes away so much stress. Consultants are stressed and busy and don’t always think how they affect women in a vulnerable state. You are going to see your baby soon and it will all be OK!

You’re completely entitled to say no to any intervention that you don’t want, it’s your body and you have the final say.
And don’t be afraid to stand up against rude medical professionals. You have a right to be treated with respect and dignity.

My two sections were lovely. I didn't want to hold them on the table so DH held them by my head. I did skin to skin in recovery for as long as I wanted, indeed I'm pretty sure we were wheeled to the ward with them tucked inside my nighty just wearing a nappy. Breastfed both with no problems (if that's something you want). I was fine looking after them, needed a bit of help overnight the first night both times and the staff were perfectly happy to help. You'll be brilliant.

With my first I was way overdue and ended up being induced, waters manually broken, drugs to up the contractions and then after 3 days of labour an emergency section, I was out of hospital with 24hrs, could lift my baby, change nappies etc just fine, milk was delayed coming in but was fine on day 3 or 4. I couldn’t do skin to skin straight after the emergency section as I’d had all the drugs and had massive shakes but that wore off after about half an hour. With my second I had a planned section, much calmer, much easier dealing with a newborn without the exhaustion of a 3 day labour plus surgery.

Basically a roundabout way of saying I’d go for a planned section rather than an attempt to turn the baby and possible induction!

Good luck

Thank you all for your advice.

I do feel calmer about tomorrow now. Am glad DH is there with me to be an advocate.

You have all made me feel so much better. I had built the c section up in my head as a huge deal.

Birth plans are really just plans and things change so quickly. I had a straight forward vaginal birth and didn’t get to have skin to skin or extended cord clamping because she was in distress after being born. Nothing is guaranteed whatever way you give birth!

I haven’t had an ELCS so not speaking from experience but I’ve heard from friends who’ve had them that you can have skin to skin and delayed cord clamping etc, assuming the baby is well.

Again, not speaking from experience or expertise, but my understanding was that ECV a) is only successful in about 50% of cases and b) carries some risks with it? You can absolutely decline it if you don’t want it!

Also, I’m not trying to tell unhelpful scare stories, but it isn’t as straightforward as vaginal birth = quick, easy recovery. I had a difficult vaginal birth and my friends who had sections definitely recovered faster!

I loved my elective. It was so calm - when we got in the operating theatre, all the doctors introduced themselves and we had a good chat about random things. Skin to skin after delivery and helped to breastfeed in recovery. Mine was during the 1st wave of COVID so my husband couldn't stay and the midwives were so nice about picking up baby to hand to me and dressing her when needed. For me, it took until the next day for the pain to subside enough to get up and I kind of worked myself up into a state because I'd read it's better if you're up and about as quickly as possible. One of the midwives ended up having to tell me to chill out and to take it easy! If I were in your position, I think I'd take the elective. Good luck!

I know people who had IVF and have gone past 40 weeks. I don't think it's universal advice that you should be induced at 40 weeks?

Anyway as others have said I would decline the ecv, it's not that effective and has risks. Would just go for ELCS as it's the safest option. Recovery may be more painful but only for a few days. Induction can be fine but can also be awful. Hope it goes well whatever you decide (and do feel free to challenge staff who are rude or dismissive of your concerns).

I’m another person who would advise skipping the EVC and induction and go straight for ELCS. I’ve had 2 caesareans, first one was emergency so a bit scary but 2nd elective one was really calm and lovely. Was discharged and home within 24 hours.

Just on the IVF point- I'm 40 weeks with an IVF pregnancy. After two 2 minute telephone calls with the consultant early on, I was discharged back to midwife lead care as I was low risk. No concern at all about needing to induce at term. Some Trusts have this policy but by no means all. I'm really sorry you were made to feel like that.

Another vote for an elective c section. If there has a hint of baby being breech, I would definitely go for that.

How did it go today @thefishthatcouldwish?

Thinking of you.

4 weeks out from my 3rd section & I never ever wanted the first. Honestly you get to the point where you want this baby out safely so much the way the baby is born literally doesn't matter.
I had a failed 4 day induction by the end I was begging for a section because I just knew my body, I knew the baby wasn't coming naturally and I knew the more I exhausted myself the harder my recovery would be either way, I was right my first section was emergency and it took 10 weeks to recover, second section ELCS and it took 2 weeks before I felt like myself again, this time I'm both mentally and physically prepared and feel more confident with the section process than ever.
Please don't stress or worry over the birth whats meant to be will be at the end of it all you'll have your baby and that's all that matters.

Hi all tried to move baby but no luck.

Was supposed to be in today at 2 for c section then it was pushed back to 5 then 6 but due to mix up it was going to be 9 tonight.

They then cancelled again until tomorrow morning.

Just eaten a sandwich after last eating at 6 am.

Am tired but DH been with me all day which has been a blessing.

I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. There’s absolutely no reason why it shouldn’t go very well indeed and by this time tomorrow you’ll have your beautiful baby in your arms.

Wishing you a peaceful night.

Good luck OP have a great day tomorrow 😊

Have a good night’s sleep OP and all the best for tomorrow.

Happy baby day!

I had an EMCS. DH did get to hold her first but I got skin to skin with her very soon after (within 10 mins I think). With a planned CS, you'd probably be able to hold baby first (I couldn't as the anesthetic had been done slightly too thoroughly, and I couldn't move one arm but I assume that wouldn't happen with a planned CS).

Also, there's no doubt whatsoever in my baby's mind about who her mum is, even though I wasn't the first person to hold her. I don't think it works like that.

Just saw your update. All the best, and enjoy meeting your new baby!

Good luck for this morning!