Please help me not feel so terrified and guilty

[thefishthatcouldwish]

Please bear with me this post may be long. Basically after 5 years and a successful IVF round I am 40.2 today. I will try and be brief but feeling very down worried and anxious.

Although it’s an ivf pregnancy I was considered low risk ( after a discussion with my ivf consultant) and that I should be treated like every other pregnancy. Which I have until now.

On Saturday at 40 weeks had midwife couldn’t be sure how baby was presenting so sent me for a scan. This was after a sweep attempt. The area I live the care is midwife led unless high risk and general hospital is an hours drive or more away not in the area.

Turned out baby was breech.

Yesterday was in hospital to try and turn baby which didn’t work.

Yesterday the consultant and doctor and midwife questioned me and made me feel awful like I’m already a bad mum. Questions like why I was allowed to go Over when the medical guidelines state that ivf pregnancy shouldn’t and I should have been induced before hand. Why I wasn’t consultant led from the start with the risk involved etc. All of which I don’t know the answer to. All I know is i have been happy with the level of care I have received from midwife team locally.

So now tomorrow I am going in again to try and turn the baby which may or may not work. If it does it will start an induction and if not I will have a cesarian. Those are the only options. I know many many woman have both But I just wanted a calmer labour in the birth centre that I know.

I am terrified by a cesarian section I am scared that I won’t be allowed or able to hold baby or have the skin to skin that I want. The midwife said I wouldn’t manage anything when baby is born and it be up to DH to do everything in terms of putting nappy on and his hat and holding him. I’m scared I won’t be baby’s mum.

If I’m induced I hate the fact but understand why my partner can’t be there for most of it. If I’m induced he can stay at start for a short time then join for active labour.

I hate the idea of my legs in stirrups totally and utterly hate the idea after ivf I am very anxious about this.

I know my birth plan has gone to pot and I just get the impression it will be ignored anyway. Even if elements can be done.

All of above terrifies me and makes me down.

I want to shake off how I feel but have woke up feeling worse.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

Firstly, you can say no to the EVC. This does not guarantee baby will stay in that position either, even if they do turn! Secondly, IVF or not, you can refuse induction.

In your position, I'd sack off the EVC, induction and go for the elective section. With an elective, you should be up and walking within 12 hours and get your skin to skin. I had an emergency caesarean and would still choose a section over the above.

Dear OP, I’m sorry that this is so stressful. I have had three C-Sections and with all three I was able to hold and feed the baby in the recovery area so very soon after birth. I just want to reassure you that however your beautiful baby comes into the world they will know that you are their mum. A lot of advice we are given as mums seems to be designed to make us feel like bad parents if we can’t achieve it but that’s not the case. There are lots of different ways that children are born, fed, get to sleep, weened, potty trained etc... the list goes on! Every baby and parent is different. You are a good mum now and you will be a good mum in the future (although some days won’t go according to plan but don’t be too hard on yourself!).

I agreed.

ELective csections are mostly fine, I had no issues looking after my baby myself, skin to skin straight away, could do all care as needed.

Nothing to feel bad or guilty about.

Oh goodness I feel for you. My baby was breech and born by EMCS 5 weeks early. My husband wasn't with me, I didn't get skin to skin and my son was in the nicu for 24 hours before I was allowed to even go and see him. I didn't hold him for 2 days. 2.5 years on and he's the cuddliest, closest little mummy's boy ever. Have the c section. Yes it's hard and you might not get skin to skin but you'll forget the emotional angst after a while and then it's all about you and your baby. You make up for it afterwards when you are able to. You have to do what's best for you obviously and I understand that the birth is such a big thing in your mind now (I desperately wanted a vaginal birth with no drugs and skin to skin afterwards). I don't want to sound patronising but supportive. Your baby is nearly here! Try and focus on that. Good luck!

I think you drew the short straw and got the horrid midwife!
I had a emcs with my first I held him in theatre, fed him, dressed him. Had a shower by lunch time, he was born in the early hours) and I went home the following day.
Personally I’d avoid the induction and go straight for the cs.

Bless you. I hate it when medics make us feel like we've done something wrong by listening to the advice of medics! As if we would somehow have known better, and known to object.

If it's any reassurance, I've had c-sections for breech babies, and both times I was able to have baby placed on my chest in the operating theatre whilst they stitched me back up. They only took them away to weigh them, and that was in the room just a couple of metres from my head. Unless anything is of concern, I'd guess from my experience that you absolutely can ask for skin to skin straightaway.

And I was able to change nappies, get the babies dressed, lift them from crib to the bed to feed them (granted it was a little awkward at first, but go large on pain killers, and just move carefully). It's not exactly easy, but it is definitely not debilitating. I think your midwife may have been trying to scare you out of a section. It really is ok! I did more than my husband in the early days both times, with regards to baby care. And had the handy excuse that he had to do all cooking, cleaning, lifting...!

I hope all goes well for you. Honestly in your position I'd go for the c section and be firm about stating your wishes for skin to skin, and for being supported in doing as much as you'd like to do/ try to do with the baby after the birth.

Good luck!

I agree with above, elective section. I think you are spinning because you have lost control of the situation and you need to take it back. So sorry you are going through this

I’m so sorry that you were made to feel that way; none of this was your fault!
I had an elective section and it was a really positive experience; I had skin to skin immediately. The midwife weighed DS and DH put a nappy on him then I had skin to skin with him for a good couple of hours. I think DH did put his vest and baby gro on but by the time he was doing that I could have done it but left him to.

Ah bless you op just to echo what others said, I had my twins by elcs as not really any other choice (shared a placenta one was breech) and I had a very positive experience breast fed both in recovery had skin to skin straight away. Have a lovely photo of me holding them both on my chest literally seconds old. I was in hospital for a bit as they were early but I was up pushing a massive double pram around the park 10days later when we were home so pretty sure one would have been quicker.

What a stressful time for you, I'm sorry you feel this way! Firstly, if they start badgering you with stupid questions about why you weren't consultant led etc just tell them to speak to your midwife and they can explain, why on earth would you know about the decisions the experts have made?! Secondly, after a C Section you can still hold baby (I think the general rule of thumb is you can't hold or lift anything heavier than your baby) - to be honest it may even be a better bonding experience if you're able to have lots and lots of skin to skin but your husband also gets the bonding when you need a rest or break. When you next go in, take along a physical birth plan which has everything you originally wanted - go through it with them there and then so they can tell you what you can/can't have. You can build a new birth plan based on this conversation and you'll at least know what you can or cannot expect. Try not to let it ruin the experience for you, but at the end of the day, you'll have a beautiful and healthy little baby which is what matters. Wishing you lots of luck x

I would 100% go for ELCS

It actually really pisses me off that you've been told such crap about a section.

I had two, both planned, both due to previous history with IVF and loss.

Both born by 10am, both skin to skin, both I was up with catheter out and showered by tea. Yes the first night you might need to buzz for help, that's not a problem.

Both of mine were calm, lovely experiences. The second I absolutely loved and I think that was more that I knew exactly what to expect.

I would be asking for Elcs today. Take back the control. Wishing you a safe and happy delivery.

I’m so sorry you had such a snappy midwife

I also had many years of IVF before I had my first, and ended up having an elected c section.

It was honestly absolutely wonderful. Calm and organised
The team delivering DS talked me through everything, and the anaesthetist was so lovely also.

As soon as he was delivered, he was lifted up for me to see, and then they did delayed cord clamping so he went back behind the screen for a few mins
After that, it was immediate akin to skin, and he stayed on me while I was stitched up, and other than DH having a quick cuddle, didn’t move from me for hours!
I was feeding as soon as we got to recovery, and was home 24 hours later and changing nappies

Wow. I think your midwife was a piece of work trying to scare you about a c-section recovery like that; if anything an elective section is a far far preferable option to an ECV+induction, with all the discomfort that entails and the risk of ending in emergency section. ELCS & EMCS are usually worlds apart in terms of overall experience and recovery and pretty much everyone I know who's had an ELCS has found it a positive, calm experience.
I would definitely opt for an ELCS in your position, don't allow that midwife to get to you.

P.s. whatever happens OP, massive congratulations on your impending arrival!

You can say no to each and every one of those interventions, the ecv, sweep, induction. It is YOUR body and YOUR baby.

Although the midwife was talking tosh about being incapable of anything after a section. I was up and in the shower by myself 12 hours later, home 24 hours to the dot. Driving within 10 days and camping on an air bed at 2 weeks. It wasn't the aromatherapy and water birth I'd wanted but it was still a beautiful both experience I look back on with nothing but joy and serenity.

Do what is best for you, don't let them bully you in to interventions you aren't comfortable with

You can have skin to skin and feed your baby after an ELCS.

Best wishes to you OP.

You can refuse an ECV, I have never had a c section but know a lot of women who have had elective c sections and they had skin to skin afterwards like any women who has a vaginal birth as long as everything is ok for baby. They also encourage you to be up an about after your c section, yes you will need a hand with certain things but once the spinal has wore off you will be able to change their nappy etc. They've always been positive about their C sections and how calm it was and how the ELCS are better to recover from rather than their emergency ones.
Personally I would refuse an ECV as there is a chance that placenta could be damaged during the process (where you will need an emergency c section) or cord problem. Baby is full cooked now and ready to be here. Good luck OP xx

Another one here who had two emergency c-sections, due to complications during labour. Honestly, the induction the first time around was more stressful than the surgical procedure!

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Zip, zilch, zero. You did the best you could, with the information presented. Now you have new information, so you can make the next decision. Revise your birth plan and organise your aftercare based on a likely cesarean - you will be able to care for your baby, but nothing else. Plus, if you're breastfeeding, that's all you will have time for, anyway!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and new arrival, OP. It might not be quite as you hoped, but you will get skin to skin and lots of cuddles as soon as they gave weighed him/her.

Yes I don't want to alarm you op but I also have experience of ECV and cord around neck. I would never, ever agree to have another.

My elective C-section on the other hand was a lovely experience!

Hang in there and try not to be browbeaten by these people. It's a difficult time with Covid ATM, staff are under a lot of pressure, and they were before the pandemic frankly. But this is your unique experience and sadly you may have to be more assertive than you feel comfortable with, to get the outcome you want.

I would definitely push for the c section. Hope all goes well!

Another one saying go for the elective section! I had an EMCS with my first after going overdue and having a long and failed induction that went on for three days. I was exhausted and sore. But I still managed to breastfeed and was up and about after a day.

Had a elective with my second and it was a wonderful experience. Skin to skin while they stitched me up, breastfed in recovery and I was home the next day. The whole thing was calm and I felt really looked after.

I would go for an elective again in a heartbeat.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness with your new baby whatever you decide xx

Yip, another vote for an elective section. There are so many positive stories about a calm c-section. You technically can hold baby on your chest while still in theatre but when you get to recovery they will sit you up and allow you to hold baby properly, have skin to skin etc. most people are up and moving about within 8-12 hours. I’m having one in 2 months and other than the initial fears on the day of not wanting the spinal done, I will be fine. The recovery can be a bit longer but I have friends who haven’t been able to walk 2 months after a natural birth so it’s not guaranteed to be longer. Hope you get whatever birth option you want and meet baby soon

I think the midwife was really out of line with what she said about having a c-section. I've had two crash sections under general and ultimately they were both positive experiences. I actually really enjoyed my 24hr stay in hospital bonding with my new baby

Elcs 100%. It's really fine and due to covid you will very likely only be in one night. I've just had my 3rd elcs on tuesday and this weekend have been for walk in woods, and two playground trips. Neighbour who had a VB last month couldn't believe I Was out and about. Midwife is scaremongering.