Did anyone feel like a failure after giving birth?

[Mitford1789]

And if so, how did you recover? I know that nobody should feel like a failure, but I did and now I am pregnant with number 2 all the feelings are coming back. Had horrid long induction in which pretty much everything I wanted to avoid happened, ended up with failed ventouse and forceps. I keep thinking I only I’d been tougher and not had an epidural, if only I’d stood up for myself and insisted on wireless rather than wired monitors etc. I know its irrational but i can’t stop it. I had debrief with midwife afterwards and was on ADs and had year of therapy for PTSD.
I think part of the problem was I did all this hypnobirthing practice and followed loads of social media accounts which were all about birth being ‘empowering’. To be honest, giving birth was probably one of the least empowering things I’ve ever done.
I’m so scared of giving birth again. I am going to speak to a consultant about an elective c section, but really would just like to have a straightforward birth. I know it’ll be painful but I just want my body to do it.
Any advice for stopping feeling like a failure? I know I’m being ridiculous.

I really get where you’re coming from, I’m currently pregnant with my second and had a horrible birth quite similar sounding to your experience. I had the added fun of a retained placenta which did really cemented the idea that my otherwise healthy body had failed me, it hadn’t, but it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I didn’t have a debrief (wish I had) as I didn’t realise until after that things could have been different. I don’t have much advice to give you about getting over it...time I suppose, although I get flare ups of anxiety over how this one will go, but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. You aren’t a failure and you aren’t ridiculous for feeling like this. Xx

Maybe you could benefit from some therapy? In the nicest possible way there is no "failing" when it comes to birth and however your baby comes into the world. As long as you are both safe and well that's all that matters. It sounds like you are fixated on a lot of things as you say, and that's not good for your mental health. It's not really something you can have control over unless you do go down the elective c section route.

I think your experience seems quite common. It’s hard to be empowered your first time, you don’t even know what to expect at all and that level of pain is just ... indescribable. I imagine dying feels quite similar.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. What would you like to have done differently?

My first birth was quite horrific, refused an epidural and ended up EMCS under general anesthetic.

Had a VBAC for the second, and it was a relatively calm, straightforward experience (the epidural was amazing!)

I had a similar induction second time. Long, painful and frustrating being attached to all the wires. I should have been firmer in what I wanted, and asserted myself. But I was meek and just did as I was told by junior midwife and bossy old battle-axe midwife.

I don't think you should feel badly about what happened. You grew a healthy baby over 9 months and did the best you could in an uncomfortable situation when you were at your most vulnerable.

Oh poor OP. I wish I had a pound for every patient who believed all the hippy woo and “empowering” propaganda, only to be disappointed by reality!
OP, you haven’t “failed” in any sense of the word. You grew a human being and safely delivered him/her, and now you are busy being a mother. That is something to celebrate, not label a failure.
Over a third of patients nowadays have to he delivered by Caesarean section, due to complications. Do you believe they all failed as well? Of course not!
Please turn your thoughts around and look at the positives. You live in a country with full obstetric facilities, so you and your baby are alive and well. In much of the world, your baby would have died or been brain damaged - now that is my definition of failure.
Enough with the negativity OP. Go and enjoy your baby and start feeling proud of yourself. That’s an order!

I didnt feel like this but I know someone who did, and still does. She blames a lot on the pressure you're under from the midwives beforehand to provide a birth plan, so planned this wonderful, peaceful water birth which went totally sideways.
I was much less 'planned' and mine was always 'open to pain relief, do what is necessary'

Weve discussed it and both think that maybe the romanticised idea she had of birth is what's made her feel so awful whereas I had no expectations for mine so the 3 day induction, forceps, spinal and episiotomy weren't such a huge variation if that makes sense?

If its any help my 2nd labour was 1hr 6 mins from waters to birth with g&a only and was much more 'normal'

I think sometimes these hypnobirthing narratives can be really damaging.

The tools that we have access to (induction, monitoring, c-section, instrumental delivery etc) have saved so many mothers and babies. They ARE tools - inappropriate to use indiscriminately, but they do have a legitimate place as well. I can see where the idea comes from in terms of speaking up for yourself and asking about the necessity of certain interventions. But the bottom line is, if the interventions are going to prevent a negative outcome, then you absolutely didn't fail by going along with it. It is not a failure to have an instrumental delivery or pain relief.

Do you think it would help to have another birth debrief perhaps with a slightly different focus? It feels like at the moment, you (on some level) believe that it would have been possible for you to have a nice natural straightforward birth if only you'd done things differently - it might be helpful to actually understand whether or not this was the case, because I suspect it was not. And it may help enormously to understand the risks you were facing and why certain decisions were made, what may have happened otherwise, why it (very likely) WAS the right and safe choice.

I think hypnobirthing would be more helpful if it gave women the tools to be able to have a conversation about managing risk, rather than painting intervention-free birth as some kind of goal to plan and aim for. Of course, everyone would love a birth where no intervention needs to be made. Not least the doctors and midwives. But it's so important to understand and have context for when these things are beneficial or an improvement to just letting things run naturally.

Bless you, agreed it is quite common!

I completely agree with @BertieBotts and they've put it so much more eloquently than I could.

I was completely unprepared for my first birth, the level of pain etc so opted for an epidural which I was completely open to, ended up with a traumatic instrumental delivery with long lasting injuries. Second time around I was determined that birth no 2 would be straight forward and read the hypnobirthing books. Whilst they had tremendous value and did help me, I was troubled by the narrative to be constantly questioning professionals and of course holding up this pain relief free labour as 'the ideal' along with encouraging people to post their stories on social media as some sort of stealth boast. Birth no 2 also not to plan (covid didn't help) but much better recovery. I have 2 beautiful children at the end of it which is the absolute most important thing

all of your feelings are valid.
don't call yourself ridiculous though, because that you are not.

nobody can predict how any given child birth might go; I had 7 kids and every single time it was different..
I'm just glad I had zero expectations and preconceived ideas.
Nobody could've predicted foreceps with DS1, DS4 becoming footling breech at 36 weeks (ffs!) and me needing ELSC, DS3 being born within 35 mins of stumbling through hospital door, not needing any stitches with DD and so on.

So try to clear your mind of the negative noise (others' and your own) and keep focusing on the fact that this birth will be brand new.
have an ELSC if you want.
best of luck x

I get where you're coming from. My first birth was very long and I ended up with an epidural and had an episiotomy and forceps delivery. I hadn't done any hypnobirthing or had an expectations beforehand so I didn't feel like a failure per se, but the whole experience was a huge blur and I felt so sad that I barely remembered anything and even that huge moment of being handed my baby for the first time was just a blurry memory.

Second time around I was induced and had an epidural early on (instead of waiting until I was exhausted like the first time). By the time it came to pushing I felt energised, in control and ready and my memory of everything is so clear. Afterwards I felt so powerful and like I wanted to do it all again! So it is possible to have a more positive experience second time around. I used to think that an unmedicated birth was what would make me feel empowered, but actually it was all about me feeling present and having an epidural early on and preserving my energy really helped me achieve that. I suspect it's different for everyone though. Wishing you lots of luck this time around!

I had a horrendous birth with my first. 5 days of really painful early labour then a long active labour on top. Failed epidurals and eventually a vonteuse and episiotomy. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I cried every time I thought about it for a long time.

I also did hypnobirthing for my second and I was quite adamant I didn't want another epidural as I also felt like it slows things down. It really helped me for the first 7/8 hours but once I got to hospital things really ramped up and within a few hours of being in hospital I was crying for an epidural again. I felt really sad and like I'd failed initially but I just could not have carried on. Labour is different for everyone and I was in absolute agony! This time though I had a snooze for a few hours and then when it came to push I had a really positive experience where I pushed for just 5 mins and no tearing. I recovered much quicker this time as well. It was such a positive experience compared to my first.

There's a huge business making money out of women, teaching them that they have some responsibility and control in how their dc are born. In reality you have very little control beyond elective c section or vb. A vb will be what it will be and no amount of chucking money at it will change that. Best to have an open mind about it all and not set yourself up with a birth plan that you are not likely to stick to when push comes to shove. If you have an open mind and your only real expectation is a healthy baby and mother after it then you won't be disappointed. Dc1 was vb after a very long time pushing, episiotomy and pph. Dc2 was forceps with a spinal after an excruciating back to back labour and arrested descent. Both were alarming at the time and something a dwelled on initially but neither I could have changed by paying for hypnobirthing classes prenatally! Neither experiences bother me in the slightest any more.

So sorry to hear you are being so hard on yourself OP, you are nowhere near a failure. I've had 3 dc's and to me childbirth is just a lottery, sometimes you get lucky, most times you don't. There are loads of decisions being made very quickly and with the benefit of hindsight those decisions are not always 'correct'.

I actually think women have very little control over how their body will respond to labour and birth, despite the enormous industry that has built up around it, and most of my friends would say the same.

This is the advice I would give my daughter: write a loose birth plan but be fully prepared to bin it as soon as your labour starts, have a super supportive birth partner with you, do not put up with terrible pain - take whatever pain relief you can get your hands on. And if in doubt, go for a c-section, if you can.

I've had 2 C-sections pre 28 weeks and never felt so much as a Braxton Hicks contraction. I didn't feel like I could say I 'gave birth' for years, as I hadn't been through the same as other women. BUT, then I realised I'd grown and delivered a child that is now happy and healthy, twice! And I have the literal battle scars to show for it, so don't feel bad or sad about how it happened - as the outcome is your child. Have you had any therapy or a birth de-brief?

Out of my NCT group — and we’d done the weekend course with an old school hippy teacher who looked shocked and disapproving when she mentioned in a whisper the Cascade of Intervention which would wreck your birth experience if you even said the word ‘epidural’ — four out of seven ended up having very medicalised births of various types (I had a CS) and although we never really hit it off as a group, the one good outcome was that we realised, the first time we met after we’d all given birth, was that we were fundamentally grateful for the resources of obstetric medicine which had meant we were all sitting there alive, with healthy babies.

Also that we were more than a bit impatient with the whole Birth Experience Industry, which bears a lot of resemblance to the wedding industry in persuading women to spend money and put pressure on themselves.

Sorry about your experience and PND/PTSD

FWIW, my first birth was not empowering either. I don't think it was my - or your - fault, though. I think that the way births are usually managed in a medical setting is often disempowering for the mother. Naturally the HCPs are risk averse and inclined towards interventions. Not all midwives are supportive - I'm sure many are but mine wasn't. If you're in labour and you feel out of control, it is a really scary and unpleasant experience. You didn't fail if you felt that way, and you didn't fail if you didn't get the birth you were hoping for. You were unlucky. Sadly, I know more mothers who had a negative experience than a positive one for their first birth.

I have DC2 now and I was anxious during the pregnancy. I made it a priority to put support in place for myself during the pregnancy and birth. For me that was counselling and hiring a doula. Both were very helpful, particularly the doula. She did a "rewind" session with me to ease the traumatic memories and alleviate my anxieties. It was also hugely reassuring for me to have her at the birth. She knew me, knew my history, knew my preferences for the birth. My second birth was completely different from the first, still tough but I was absolutely in charge from start to finish, and it was straightforward.

That's just my experience but I hope sharing it has been helpful. Please do consider hiring a doula if you can afford it. Best money I spent.

I really felt this post! I had the absolute opposite labour to what I wanted. I wanted a water birth, to be as upright as possible, with as less meds as possible & a speedy journey home. I went in septic (& suspected covid cause I had a temp), due to this I had to have pitocin up to speed up my labour, I wasn’t allowed an epidural because the sepsis so I opted to have a remifentanyl infusion that kept me like a space cadet the full time, I spent all day on my back hooked up to antibiotics, fluids & monitors, baby was delivered by emergency forceps & taken away from me quickly to have antibiotic treatment. My DP didn’t get to cut the cord, I didn’t get skin to skin because I then had a major haemorrhage & nearly died so I never actually held my baby until 4 hours after he was born. By this point he was starving & distressed so my attempt at BF was poor & very unsupported. I was then kept in hospital for a week alone with a visit from my DP for only 30 mins a day due to covid. I could cry just thinking of how my birth plan fell to shit!! I’m now desperate for another baby just to have a better experience but my DP is so put off by the trauma of the birth he’s having none of it

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. They’ve been so helpful. @BertieBotts I think you’re right - I keep beating myself up that if only I’d done this/not done that I’d have had a straightforward birth in the birthing pool. But thinking today that actually that just wasn’t an option for me (baby was distressed from the get go and had cord a number of times around neck) is actually quite a liberating thought.
Thank you for your replies everyone. Hopefully second time will be easier, but if nothing else I will have different expectations.

Birth empowering - haha.

I took one look at the size of my tummy and another at the exit it was coming out of and asked for an epidural.

I ended up with induction, forceps, ventouse none of which I felt at all thank God.

As a result I had the painless and calm birth I wanted. I didn't want my child to come forth to the sound of high pitched shrieking. He was a super calm and sleepy baby and I'm quite sure his good nature is as a result of his lovely calm birth.

How is it a failure? I feel having an epidural helped me to avoid a hideous, painful PTSD situation.

I’ve had four emergency births with very little choice about what happened and zero control. I read in my birth notes that I consented to something I have zero memory of. I am grateful that me and my babies are all healthy but I’m sad that it didn’t leave me empowered or proud of myself. I didn’t even manage to achieve my nice elective csection this time do even that choice was taken from me! My only saving grace for my fourth birth was that the recovery was easier.

I had a similar experience to you resulting in an emergency section. I can genuinely say I've never felt feelings of failure. My baby was delivered in the safest way for both of us. There are no prizes for winning childbirth, just as long as you both get through it!

Your feelings are completely valid of course but I wonder what you think you could or should have done differently? There's only so much control you have over your body.

Awful first birth, awful treatment from doctors. When I was re admitted haemorrhaging the same doctor referred to me as the woman who could not cope with pain. I had given birth only with gas and air!! I did not acknowledge how dreadful it all made me feel. I did not feel empowered, I felt deflated and small. However second birth was totally different, I had the best support and felt on top of the world. Giving birth is hard, and honestly it does not matter how you do it, where you do it, or what pain relief you have, because you have done it and that is the achievement.

YY and I'm glad it was a helpful perspective.

I think sometimes some "positive" birth narratives can end up in a strange fantasy world where they say (to take the example of induction for being overdue):

You have the choice of an induction which will lead to a cascade of interventions and a stressful difficult delivery culminating in instrumental or caeserean birth

OR

You can wait for the baby to come naturally and everything will be wonderful and fine because your body will be ready.

When the reality in that specific woman's case might actually be:

You can wait, while your body does not go into labour, run out of time, the placenta to fail and your baby to be denied of nutrients that it needs and end up born distressed or even stillborn.

OR

You can take the option to start labour off a bit sooner, yes it might end up with more intervention in the birth, but the reason for those interventions will be to get the baby out soon enough, before the placenta fails.

Of course, the problem is that we never actually know which of the two scenarios it will be. Some babies left over dates will be fine. Some won't. The problem is that (in that specific case) we're tipping the balance of risk. But I have found it very very helpful to look at things like intervention through a lens of them being helpful tools - if a baby is distressed then it is of huge benefit to be able to help them come along a little faster, because the alternative is not simply "an intervention free birth" but might well be a very poorly baby. Women in the past did not always have those options, and they probably would have loved to have had them! On the other hand, we definitely shouldn't be doing interventions willy nilly just in case - but I don't believe that is a big problem in the UK. Perhaps in some places it is (I know a lot of the "positive birth" stuff comes from the US where it can be a bit like a conveyor belt, apparently, but no experience of that - perhaps it has improved).

And pain relief - perhaps not everyone needs pain relief, and there might be downsides related to it, but in the scenario that you do need it, perhaps because the birth is not straightforward, or perhaps just because it's going on for a long time or you're finding it very hard to cope with - likely in those scenarios, the benefits do outweigh the downsides, and isn't it wonderful that we have the option?

Making things black and white or ascribing moral status to "this kind of birth" vs "that kind of birth" simply isn't very helpful. If you look back to older times when we did not have things like monitoring, induction was very primitive, c-section was kept for really life or death scenarios (or not yet available) the outcomes for mothers and babies are not good. If every single pregnancy culminated in a natural birth with no intervention today, the outcomes would be far worse than we are now used to. A natural birth is not a safe option for every pregnancy, and that's not a failure, it's just nature - evolution doesn't need every single mother/baby to survive, just a tiny bit more than half. I don't know about you but that sounds like terrible odds to me!

I would have a chat with your consultant and a think about the likelihood / risks of natural birth compared with ELCS. It sounds like your baby was in distress from the start of labour (which may have been caused by the induction?) but other than this there were no problems which would be likely to repeat - cord position is apparently quite random. I think if it were me I would probably look into the option of a split birth plan.

If everything is fine, labour begins spontaneously, you're not overdue, baby is not in distress, everything is fine - proceed with labour and see how things go.

If for whatever reason it turns out induction is recommended - dates, reduced movement, any other concerns, skip the induction and go straight for ELCS.

Or you might feel you are OK with the concept of induction but you want certain types of monitoring (or not), or you are happy to be induced but not if it goes on for days (etc). Talk about these kinds of things and where the line is drawn.

And YES to what diamond says - pain relief can be a tool to help you have a less traumatic experience as well.

I had a very textbook "natural nice perfect" birth with DS2, but I found it very traumatic, because I was climbing the walls/blacking out with pain and had absolutely no option to manage it properly - my epidural failed, I had no access to gas and air, nobody offered me anything else - which all left me feeling so, so powerless without any options and without any tools to manage - it was just something I endured in the end until it was over.

I didn't really talk about it, because of course you always feel somebody else had a "worse, more traumatic" experience, and I don't have any horror aspects like blood going everywhere, or being able to hear the episiotomy happening (this haunts me from a birth story I read!) or thinking that the baby was going to die or any lasting injuries. It was fine, really, except it wasn't because I found it a really awful experience. This is why I'm opting for an epidural next time but in a more controlled manner (hopefully) - but a part of me already feels guilty or like I "shouldn't", like I should try just one last time for the fucking waterbirth, I mean, as if it's going to be a magically pain free experience! I don't think I will do that. I think the pain relief argument will win out. But it's still there - these narratives get to us all.

Tell me about it OP. I went into the whole experience with very low expectations. I had a failed induction (waters went but meconium in them), back to back labour, "patchy" induction, and was in so much pain the one time the midwife tried to get me my my feet I vomited on her. Ended up in an emergency section, which tbh I was ok with- in theory.

In reality, being presented on discharge with a form stating the reason for my section very clearly as FAILURE to progress, I felt like shit. I'd had an easy pregnancy, I thought I'd found something my body was good at for once, and it had let me down at what felt like the 11th hour. I felt it was my fault for being weak and not getting up and helping DD get into the right position, for being too lazy to do any of the hypnobirthing stuff beforehand. I felt as about empowered as a wet fart.

In reality however it's very much as Bertie says. You can only play the cards you're dealt, and when you're scared, in pain and worried about your baby, you're going to play it safe and go with what the medics are recommending based on their experience and the current circumstances. When you're taken out of that intense situation of course we start thinking of things we could or "should" have done differently. We forget sometimes that as women giving birth is one of the most dangerous and physically challenging things we can ever do, even with all the lifesaving interventions available today. If hypnobirthing worked for every woman it wouldn't have taken 20 centuries for it to take off would it? And most importantly, nothing you could have done would have unwound the cord from your baby's neck.