Did anyone feel like a failure after giving birth?

[Mitford1789]

And if so, how did you recover? I know that nobody should feel like a failure, but I did and now I am pregnant with number 2 all the feelings are coming back. Had horrid long induction in which pretty much everything I wanted to avoid happened, ended up with failed ventouse and forceps. I keep thinking I only I’d been tougher and not had an epidural, if only I’d stood up for myself and insisted on wireless rather than wired monitors etc. I know its irrational but i can’t stop it. I had debrief with midwife afterwards and was on ADs and had year of therapy for PTSD.
I think part of the problem was I did all this hypnobirthing practice and followed loads of social media accounts which were all about birth being ‘empowering’. To be honest, giving birth was probably one of the least empowering things I’ve ever done.
I’m so scared of giving birth again. I am going to speak to a consultant about an elective c section, but really would just like to have a straightforward birth. I know it’ll be painful but I just want my body to do it.
Any advice for stopping feeling like a failure? I know I’m being ridiculous.

TheCraicDealer, please don’t be upset at the medical term “failure to progress”.
It refers to the labour, not the patient!
It just means the cervix isn’t dilating fast enough or at all, and there is a need to deliver the baby surgically.
Mothers nowadays are on average much older than previous generations, and there is of course a higher incidence of problems in labour, leading to instrumental deliveries.
A third of mothers needed C sections in my area last year.
Please can you (by “you”, I include all new mothers) feel joy and pride in what your body has achieved - the creation of a human life. That is awe inspiring!
And bugger the technical details of how that arrival occurred - they pale into insignificance. Celebrate yourselves!

@Babdoc

TheCraicDealer, please don’t be upset at the medical term “failure to progress”. It refers to the labour, not the patient! It just means the cervix isn’t dilating fast enough or at all, and there is a need to deliver the baby surgically. Mothers nowadays are on average much older than previous generations, and there is of course a higher incidence of problems in labour, leading to instrumental deliveries. A third of mothers needed C sections in my area last year. Please can you (by “you”, I include all new mothers) feel joy and pride in what your body has achieved - the creation of a human life. That is awe inspiring! And bugger the technical details of how that arrival occurred - they pale into insignificance. Celebrate yourselves!

^ a million times YES!!!

Yes I can relate to this. I tried hypnobirthing too and well it wasn't like they said in the book or on the CD! My first baby was premature and very poorly in SCBU and I had a horrible male midwife who was later struck off. It took me 7 years before I eventually had a 2nd child, partly because of my supposed 'lucky natural birth'. I was terrified and offered a debrief of what happened, amazingly they still had my notes and that helped. In the end I had to have a C-section as my was baby was breech. However despite this the NCT lady tried to convince me before that I should try for, in her words 'natural birth', to give the midwives experience of delivering breech babies. When I said I was having a C-section she looked at me disgust and then ignored me in the meetings and refused to discuss C-sections. I really went off the NCT after that.

My 2nd baby was delivered by a planned C-section and it was a lovely chilled experience.

I really think planned c-section gets such a bad rap when it absolutely shouldn't!

I mean, obviously it's major surgery and absolutely not an easy way out or "too posh to push" or whatever bollocks people say (do they still say that?? :o) but when compared to a long drawn out induction with high potential for trauma, or a birth with several factors pointing towards a high likelihood of EMCS it seems like a no-brainer to me, yet the focus seems to be totally blindly "vaginal birth = better than c-section".

Well... yes maybe.

Straightforward vaginal birth > C-section (in general).

But not all vaginal births are straightforward.

A planned, calm section has to be better than a complicated vaginal birth, surely?

Of course that introduces complexity because the scale from straightforward to complicated is going to be highly subjective, and not always predictable either. But it seems to me that the bar is currently set in the wrong place. It seems like we only tend to go direct to section when the risk to mother and/or baby is extremely high. So there are a group of mums somewhere in the middle who are being pushed towards induction because "You'll want a natural birth" where it's quite likely that a much better and perhaps even safer experience would be to offer a c-section instead. I mean, it could even be a discussion (imagine!!) just like it is for breech babies, twins, or mums who have had a previous c-section.

I also think mental health factors are ignored, like it doesn't matter if you have a traumatic experience as long as you both come out physically healthy. That's wrong - mental health is hugely important!

However despite this the NCT lady tried to convince me before that I should try for, in her words 'natural birth', to give the midwives experience of delivering breech babies

Awful!

I agree with you Bertie, especially this

"I also think mental health factors are ignored, like it doesn't matter if you have a traumatic experience as long as you both come out physically healthy. That's wrong - mental health is hugely important!"

I could have written your post. I am due in three weeks and booked for a planned c section and feel so much better for it. I didn’t have my debrief until this pregnancy but felt so healed and that my feelings around the birth of my son 3 years ago were justified and there were failings in my care not failings in me. Be kind to yourself. Is there a peri natal mental health team you can access? Mine have been fab with me.

@BertieBotts

when I found out DS4 was footling breech ie one foot stuck on top of cervix (those kicks...I can't describe the pain) I didn't even wait for consultant to finish his first sentence.
he got as far as "well, as we could see on the scan..." and I butted in "yes, I agree, c-section it is. I ain't pushing him out foot first!"😁

totally proper birth. coming through the sunroof aspect is irrelevant.

I think you and many other women have been completely failed by the discussion around natural birth, avoiding interventions etc. I think we've lost sight of why those interventions came to be, and of the dangers many of us would be in if we were giving birth in a cave.

I've seen it said manys a time on FB groups "you can't grow a baby too big for your own body". Well, bullshit, I did it twice. DD1 needed forceps to get her out in a c section and DD2 was so stuck in that they needed to do an extra incision in my uterus.

Anyway, you're not a failure, you got through a difficult ordeal and should be massively proud of yourself.

Both mine were emergency sections. It turns out all dh's family have huge heads and I have a suboptimal pelvis so no amount of pushing or pulling with forceps could budge dc1 from mid pelvis.

I thought I was a failure because I hadn't given birth.

It refers to the labour, not the patient!

I still think that's problematic though. I had "failure to descend", "failed vaginal birth" and "failed forceps" on my record. All I saw was failure and given he ended up in Nicu as it took 80 odd hours after my waters went to separate us, I felt like I'd failed motherhood before I could even hold him. Lots of women have baggage around the word, add in hormones and possibly trauma and it becomes another stick to beat yourself with. I feel women centred care should find a more neutral term personally as it's a common theme on these threads.

OP- my experience was very similar to yours minus the induction.
I developed PND as a result. I didn't enjoy my baby at first and hate looking at photographs of myself from those early weeks. I look spaced out and wrecked.
I too opted for the epidural: reluctantly but my Midwife told me that I'd a long way to go (was 8cm dilated) and should have it now or it might be too late 😳
I was really nervous second time around but had support from HV and friends.
I had a 2 hour labour and though a bit shocked was really proud of myself!
Recovered much quicker too.
I think I've mentioned before that this is partly why I decided to retrain as a midwife and I think it made me a better one. My training did trigger my experiences and I had a bit of a debrief with a colleague which helped.
Don't feel bad OP- sometimes circumstances overtake us.
Talk to your community midwife.
I wish you all the best ⚘⚘

Thank you so much everyone. Regarding the idea of ‘failure’ in the notes, @BertieBotts I understand what you’re saying, but women who have just given birth and are not in a totally secure headspace just look at that word and see failure. I had ‘poor maternal effort’ written on my notes. That was the final straw for me I’m afraid, I felt myself literally fall into PND as I read it. I know that probably sounds overly dramatic but that’s what it was. Thank you @BertieBotts for your posts though, they are very helpful, to see it from a medical perspective. And you’re right all births with health mum and baby should be celebrated.

I had ‘poor maternal effort’ written on my notes

This absolutely boils my blood! Why - why?! - with everything we know about PND and the pressure on women around childbirth and parenting, why have they not updated the language that's used?! Why not "pushing insufficient for delivery" or something? Factually accurate without making it sound like you weren't trying? It doesn't seem like it should be hard to avoid dispiriting comments like that!

It's a classic paternalistic healthcare approach to tell mothers not to get so upset about the language instead of... you know... changing the language!

It's reflective of the pervasive culture of thinking they know best, the established way is the only way (even if it's based on old/flimsy evidence), and if mothers want to do something different with their own bodies, they're at best patronised and at worst bullied into complying.

Did anyone feel like a failure after giving birth?
God no. I had an emergency c-section because I failed to dilate and I still felt like a goddamn superhero goddess who created life. I’m incredibly lucky to have access to science and modern medicine which saved my life, a hundred years ago I’d have died in agony.

I honestly think all of this “natural birth and empowerment” claptrap is harmful. You know what’s natural? Dying in childbirth. Hundreds of thousands of women around the world die in childbirth every year. The fact I wasn’t one of them is a cause for celebration.