I still think/worry about what happened during DD's birth

[kittlesticks]

This post will seem ridiculous I'm sure, that I'm still thinking and often worrying about some thoughts I had while I was in Labour with my second baby, who is now nearly 2!

I suppose I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else who had a similar birth experience, to reassure myself that I'm not going mad.

My first birth experience was long, very long, and ended up with intervention. So I had the full works in terms of drugs. It wasn't ideal in many ways but I still have good memories of it, I was looked after very well.

When I was pregnant with DD, they said it was likely that birth would be quicker. I felt optimistic but still said I would have all the pain relief on offer.

When I went into labour things progressed quickly and I was soon at the delivery suite. I can remember being in the room and given gas and air. They asked me what drugs I wanted and I said I definitely wanted pethadine at least, the midwife went to organise that and I was with the student midwife. All ok.

Then all of a sudden I felt like I had to push and the midwife re-appeared and said it was too late for pain relief, I would be out of it when the baby arrived.

After that it was all very blurry, but I can distinctly remember a few things and this is what worries me even now.

I wanted to die. Absolutely overwhelmingly wanted to die. I was screaming this (I think) and the midwives were utterly unphased (of course!) but I find myself still dwelling on that. I've never had a feeling like it, I absolutely know that if my DH hadn't been there hanging onto me I would have got up and attempted to jump out of the window.

I can't really remember much else just this overwhelming need to be dead.

Then about ten minutes later my DD arrived. I was still having big contractions and I think I was still quite terrified, and she was put on my chest, my DH kept saying 'she's here she's here' and I was just thinking 'if she's here why am I still in labour'?

I can remember my DH was holding DD afterwards while they stitched me up (sorry for the gory details) and I just felt really detached. Like she wasn't mine?

Can anyone connect with any of this? I sometimes things a longer less frantic birth experience would have been better. The feeling suicidal thing really scared me as we have suicide in the family history and I suppose I'm freaked out that I genuinely would have done it had I been able. I've had no suicidal thoughts since.

I don't this gets talked about enough to be honest, and while FTM might be scared by reading that, it's something they might experience and being forewarned is forearmed. It can be reassuring to know that feelings like this are 'normal'.

My first labour was okay - I was induced, had pethidine, gas and air, ended in ventouse. Was bloody painful but relatively calm. My second labour was quicker but not ridiculously so. I only had gas and air and the pain was intense. It ended in ventouse delivery and a shoulder dystocia but the feelings of wanting to die were before I got to that point.

I vividly remember being on the bed just wanting it all to stop. Thinking how close to death am I? Death would make this stop. Feeling like I just wanted to close my eyes and not wake up. I couldn't have cared what had happened in that room I just wanted out. As soon as it was over I was fine, but I did also develop PND after that birth.

My third labour was fine, still not an easy one and ended in c-section but no bad feelings.

I chanted die die die for the last hour of my first labour. I wanted to say "I want to die" but I couldn't form the words.

My husband thought I was telling him to die!

I just felt so out of control and frightened. It definitely left its mark on me and I had months of terrible dreams. But thankfully it made no difference to my bond with my baby and he was a very happy child from the get go.

Thanks @EarringsandLipstick. As others have said, it hasn't affected my bond with my children.
I had mild pnd with my first, but that was likely down to living in a tiny one bedroom flat and no money.
The most important thing is of course that you get a live baby at the end.
For any first time pregnant women reading this in horror, I would say yes childbirth can be painful and scary, but having a supportive birth partner can make all the difference, as can reading up on the process and being firm with midwives about what you want to happen.

I feel you. I just shouted nooooo constantly when having DS without pain relief. He was my 1st and a really big baby. It was so painful I can totally relate to not wanting to go through it and wanting to die. They were saying push and I was dreading every contraction and saying no no no ( not the pushing part, but I just couldn't it push, the contraction was too painful.) They basically pulled him out.

Yes, I hear you. I felt utter terror both times giving birth. Totally out of control! No way a scented candle or whatever nonsense they tell you would have touched the sides.

I tried to push dd1s head back in to stop it hurting. Midwife was very angry and told ex partner to hold me down.

If they had given me a death pill
In labour I'd have taken it .. it was 17 years ago I'm still terrified by it and I am a brave person on the whole .. I can never fathom the opposite experience I hear people have tbh . Don't worry about it !

Lots of solidarity and thanks to everyone who has posted.
I suppose when they discuss labour at appointments/online etc they don't mention 'you may feel suicidal' for obvious reasons so this has been really reassuring to read.
When I had my first DC it was much more medical and slow, I had plenty of lovely drugs (!) and spent so long with the maternity team at the hospital by the time DS arrived that I felt like I had sort of got used to being there.
So DD's arrival was just such a shock in a way, such a lot to process in a short time and I think I was just stunned that I had gone from introducing myself to them to shouting that I needed to die within the space of 30 minutes.
Another feeling I had and I'm sure I yelled about was wanting my mum. I was shouting for her and I remember DH saying 'she's not here but I'm here I'm here' and I was just screaming back at him because I think it was more of a 'no I want to not exist I want to crawl back into the womb!'
Just that need for darkness - it's hard to get over it, especially having a wonderful DS already at the time, that commitment I felt to dying, scared me a lot.
I'm going to book an appointment with my GP and see if there's an option to be referred to counselling or whatever birth reflections are offered.

I thought I was dying when I was in labour - baby was breech and I needed a section but they'd missed how far along I was so I was very much pushing as they wheeled me into theatre. I kept telling my husband what I wanted her name to be and that he must tell her how much I would have loved her as soon as the epidural kicked in I was fine again but it was really traumatising and I think about it a lot. Sending you support x

Thanks for the well wishes. I had my baby girl at 2am this morning, chose an epidural this time and so so glad I did, feel completely different to how I felt when I had my son so not every birth is traumatic op

Congratulations Brogo! What a lovely thread update