I still think/worry about what happened during DD's birth

[kittlesticks]

This post will seem ridiculous I'm sure, that I'm still thinking and often worrying about some thoughts I had while I was in Labour with my second baby, who is now nearly 2!

I suppose I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else who had a similar birth experience, to reassure myself that I'm not going mad.

My first birth experience was long, very long, and ended up with intervention. So I had the full works in terms of drugs. It wasn't ideal in many ways but I still have good memories of it, I was looked after very well.

When I was pregnant with DD, they said it was likely that birth would be quicker. I felt optimistic but still said I would have all the pain relief on offer.

When I went into labour things progressed quickly and I was soon at the delivery suite. I can remember being in the room and given gas and air. They asked me what drugs I wanted and I said I definitely wanted pethadine at least, the midwife went to organise that and I was with the student midwife. All ok.

Then all of a sudden I felt like I had to push and the midwife re-appeared and said it was too late for pain relief, I would be out of it when the baby arrived.

After that it was all very blurry, but I can distinctly remember a few things and this is what worries me even now.

I wanted to die. Absolutely overwhelmingly wanted to die. I was screaming this (I think) and the midwives were utterly unphased (of course!) but I find myself still dwelling on that. I've never had a feeling like it, I absolutely know that if my DH hadn't been there hanging onto me I would have got up and attempted to jump out of the window.

I can't really remember much else just this overwhelming need to be dead.

Then about ten minutes later my DD arrived. I was still having big contractions and I think I was still quite terrified, and she was put on my chest, my DH kept saying 'she's here she's here' and I was just thinking 'if she's here why am I still in labour'?

I can remember my DH was holding DD afterwards while they stitched me up (sorry for the gory details) and I just felt really detached. Like she wasn't mine?

Can anyone connect with any of this? I sometimes things a longer less frantic birth experience would have been better. The feeling suicidal thing really scared me as we have suicide in the family history and I suppose I'm freaked out that I genuinely would have done it had I been able. I've had no suicidal thoughts since.

It sounds pretty normal to me in all honesty.

I've given birth 4 times without any pain meds, mostly because of a fear of needles, but also because I didn't want to feel out of control of the situation. At times, you feel out of control during labour anyway.

It's very common and normal during transition for women to say they want to die/go home/have had enough etc etc. This is a good cue for the midwife that the baby is soon to arrive.

I told the midwife during my 2nd labour I was going to die and same as your experience, she didn't bat an eyelid.

With my 3rd labour, active phase was 5 minutes. I was told to stop pushing but I couldn't. I wanted it over with. I had been encouraged onto all 4's and I absolutely hated it but couldn't get a chance between contractions to change position so I was stuck.
When baby arrived I didn't want to hold him. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I wanted to hug my knees and be on my own.

I think all of the things you felt are normal and ok and very common. I'm sure lots more will come on here and reassure.

Still the most fantastic and empowering experiences I've ever had.

Sounds very normal and echoes a lot of childbirth stories I have heard.

Do you feel attached/loving towards her now? I think at the time of giving birth I wouldn’t be too worried. Giving birth is a traumatic experience.

My son is my first and only, his labour was very very fast. I was very afraid. That's all I remember is fear. I didn't want to die in labour but after I did until out under for surgery.
One of my lucid memories is telling the doctor and midwife to stop touching me and I'd rather bleed to death please. Just stop. I meant every word as well.
It's put me off another but I do think it's fairly normal.
I also don't think feelings in labour mean you would ever hurt yourself, it's a very extreme suitation for your body.

It sounds like you were in transition. It’s very, very normal, but not any less terrifying!

I remember being completely fine all the way through labour, I was in pain but it was doable. As soon as I hit 9cm I lost the plot. Screaming, crying, I kept trying to escape out of the door and telling the midwives to kill me and get Dd out.

It’s such an intense and overwhelming feeling that it can seem like you’ve lost your mind, but it’s just your body pumping you full of adrenaline to get you ready to push.

Have you ever thought of doing a debrief with the midwife? Even two years on it might be helpful to talk through what happened.

Ah op, this sounds really awful for you and as if things progressed in second labour at a pace that was hard to keep up with psychologically speaking. You were probably in shock and may have mild PTSD. If it is still haunting you now, I would seek some help from a counsellor or licensed psychotherapist who has experience in the field of birth trauma.

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/#. Birth Trauma Assoc

pandasfoundation.org.uk/what-is-pnd/birth-trauma/ Pandas Foundation

Good luck

Terrifying and normal. Perhaps a debrief with a midwife could help, or maybe sharing here will do that when you see so many people saying similar things.
This is a bit outing of anyone knows me as I’ve told most people this but when I was having my final baby he was stuck as he was so big and had gone back to back. The midwives didn’t believe he was stuck and thought I just wasn’t pushing enough. I was I so much pain I honestly believed I was a prisoner of war and was being tortured so I just kept shouting “I don’t know, I don’t know” as I honestly thought I was being interrogated and tortured.
I have definitely said I wanted to be dead or I’m sure I said “just tear the baby out” during more than one of my labours.
My dd said “can’t you just pull him out now” when her son had crowned, and the midwife said “no- his head might fall off. You need to push” and dd relied “I don’t care if his head falls off just pull him out!”
Read up a wee bit about the transition stage. It’s a fascinating thing birth, but as I say it can also be terrifying.

Totally normal for a very quick birth without drugs, especially if it is an unexpected natural birth. Especially the 'why am I still in labor?' Part. When you're drugged up you sort of forget that birth doesn't end with tje delievery of the baby but with the delivery of the placenta. I know women who had had medicated births who don't even remember passing the placenta.

OP, does it help to know that what you experienced is common and normal?

Unexpectedly fast births can be traumatic - it all happens so quickly, often there hasn’t been much pain relief etc.

The continuing contractions were likely due to your body getting ready to birth the placenta.

And it’s very common to feel detached from the baby / reality but it’s not talked about much.

It sounds like you would really benefit from a birth debrief / birth afterthoughts session with a trained midwife who can explain everything to you. Sounds like it would help to reassure you. And many women don’t access this until a few years after their traumatic birth, some much longer.

Oh wow thank you so much everyone.
God you've made me cry which is so stupid!!
I am so sorry to read that many more women out there were longing for death - the prisoner of war thing really resonated with me.
Afterwards (just after) I spoke to the midwife and she said what I had been screaming was very normal for them to hear and it was a sign, as others have said, that I was in transition or getting ready to push.
Remembering only that overwhelming need to die is not the way you want to welcome a child, is it. I've told other people (people who have had kids, trying not to terrify anyone else!) and people have laughed, probably because they feel uncomfortable I guess.
So amazing to hear from other women who have had the same feelings.
Yes perhaps you're right a reflection would be useful for me.
To the PP who asked, I do feel a bond with my DD, she's amazing, so full of life. She just wanted to get on with it - and she's been rushing everything ever since. She's ready to potty train now but I'm knackered and dreading the prospect!
Thanks everyone.

It’s really hard coming to terms with a birth that involved distress for you or your baby. It’s certainly not what you imagine. I’ve only had one birth experience, very different to yours (went in for a check up and had an emergency caesarean within a couple of hours of arriving, both twins taken away for treatment immediately so I didn’t see them until the next day and when I did I felt nothing but panic).

I still find it hard to look at those photos people take after their birth - smiling, holding their baby, etc. It makes me really sad sometimes and I won’t be doing it again to have a different experience.

It has gotten a bit easier with time but seek help if you’re struggling.

If it’s any help I felt completely detached from Dd when I first saw her. My very first thought when I looked at her was “I don’t recognise your face!” Like I think I’d expected to give birth to myself or something.

I didn’t have the rush of love, I just thought thank god that’s over, can I have a shower?

I think it’s very normal, especially after a birth that left you traumatised from how you were feeling.

This is everything I imagine giving birth to be and exactly all the reasons why I am doing anything I can to get a section due to an overwhelming fear of it. I don’t think I’d bond with my baby afterwards (if I survived) and I’d just be traumatized for months about it. It’s worrying that so many people are reassuring you that this generally sounds like it’s normal too ☹️ My hospital offer a birth reflections service with a midwife to go over any previous births (even if you’re not planning another) but it sounds like this might make you feel a bit better x

As all pp have said, it does sound very normal to have felt that way. I'm glad you've bonded with your dd well! As for me, during the pushing phase I had this almost other worldly, out of body feeling, as I though I was looking at myself from above and thinking what on earth is this situation? Where am I? Why am I in so much pain? The gas and air also messed with my head, which didn't help. But it only lasted a few seconds. At some point, I thought the mw was pushing my baby back in, I was screaming to her to stop pushing lol. And oh god I crushed another mw's fingers, she was shouting 'my fingers, my fingers', I was so apologetic afterwards, but then I was thinking to myself, never give out your hand to a screaming woman in labour!

Hi @sarah13xx just to say I'm so sorry if I upset you with this thread.
I completely get it tho and think birth should be a choice, you must do what's best for you and baby.
Best of luck with it all. I suppose my thread - seen from another perspective - is reassuring that it hasn't affected my bond with her, and it seems like these type of thoughts are fairly common! Sending you all the best.

My first birth was so traumatic I didn't do it again for 16 years. Second was equally bad. I begged throughout my pregnancy for a section but was dismissed.
Why people say its the best day of your life ill never understand, it was the absolute worst.

My second birth (12 and a bit weeks
ago) was a bit like this. Only time for gas and air, and the actual pushing was so painful. When they put DD on my chest I was in absolute agony and couldn't concentrate on bonding with her in that moment. I had to hand her over to DH as the pain in my abdominal area was awful. The midwife went to get a suppository as I was in so much pain. I do think of it now sometimes, but my bond with DD is fantastic and I'm not sure how else it could have been managed, as my body just clearly wanted things to move fast. I've also been left with a prolapse which is a constant reminder of it. If I had another baby I'd ask for an elective CS, but we are stopping at two!

This is very similar to my middle child’s birth. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to jump out the window. It was very, very scary & I felt utterly out of control. I had flashbacks for days & when I was pregnant with my third I was utterly terrified. I was also in pain straight after birth & remember thinking “my friend told me it would stop hurting immediately, why is it still hurting”

With #3 I didn’t get that feeling which was good but I was too preoccupied with waiting for the epidural to start working (it didn’t!) and transition was v fast as I went to pushing quickly which weirdly for me doesn’t hurt as much!

Yes I felt like this with my son who is 2 next month. I had an induction with no time for any pain relief, I didn't want to hold him afterwards my husband held him more than me for the first few weeks.
I'm currently in very early labour with my second , a girl this time! I'm quite nervous this will happen again but atleast we know how much they are worth it

@brogo oh wow sending you so much luck with everything!

Really interesting reading this thread.

I had had two very straightforward births, minimal pain relief, would describe them as painful but manageable. My smugness bit me on the ass for my 3rd child - the pregnancy was tough, nothing major, still straightforward in medical terms, but I was exhausted & uncomfortable throughout.

With my first 2, I went early by a few weeks in each case. Assumed I would for DC3 too. I went over by 2 days - felt like weeks.

The labour was very short but brutal. In contrast to my other 2 labours, I didn't have great care. Indicated from 4 cm to 10 cm in about 40 minutes.

I was that woman - I screamed, groaned, roared, I was like an animal. It's 9 years ago & I can still remember it so vividly. It was like an out of body experience, I didn't even know where I was, except for the pain. That's all I registered.

Although the pushing stage was ultimately quick, it was horrible & felt ineffective (he had a bloody massive head. Still does).

When he arrived, I just about asked if he was ok, didn't want to see him, hold him. Like another poster said, all I wanted was to be left alone.

I remember clearly thinking, oh dear, I don't love this one. But I'll look after him.

Fortunately that passed quickly enough.

I was very fortunate so actually don't talk about this as it sounds ungrateful & insensitive to women who have had difficult birth experiences. But this thread has been really interesting to read.

Back to you OP. I think what happened in your case, as these posts illustrate, was normal. But it sounds like the trauma is still there for you & it would be worth talking that through with someone or via your hospital.

I really hope FTM reading this aren't put off. My first labour was my best! It was short by first-time standards, and I was well-dilated when I got to hospital, so it was only another 3 hours to delivery.

A small bit of gas & air but no other pain relief. Brilliant midwife. I felt amazing after, off to the shower in a few minutes & walked back to the ward holding my new baby shortly after.

Just as a counter-story to my One Born Every Minute cow-moaning story!

@brogo

Yes I felt like this with my son who is 2 next month. I had an induction with no time for any pain relief, I didn't want to hold him afterwards my husband held him more than me for the first few weeks. I'm currently in very early labour with my second , a girl this time! I'm quite nervous this will happen again but atleast we know how much they are worth it

Good luck brogo! Exciting!

@Janaih

My first birth was so traumatic I didn't do it again for 16 years. Second was equally bad. I begged throughout my pregnancy for a section but was dismissed. Why people say its the best day of your life ill never understand, it was the absolute worst.

Really sorry Janaih. That's very tough.

I was I so much pain I honestly believed I was a prisoner of war and was being tortured so I just kept shouting “I don’t know, I don’t know” as I honestly thought I was being interrogated and tortured.

I know this wasn't remotely funny for you but your description did make me laugh 😂