Feeling like I birthed wrong

[fedup2021]

Hi, I don't know why I'm writing this or if it's even in the right place,

My LO is 14 weeks old, my first pregnancy, the birth was straight forward, less than 12 hours, no complications. We stayed in one night due to feeding issues

LO is healthy and thriving, no issues what so ever. I am currently pumping which I honestly really do not like but as baby is thriving I will continue despite my discomfort

I'm not sure if it's the excess time alone I have due to covid etc but I can't stop thinking how I didn't do the birthing 'right'. I didn't realise I was in labour until I was 6cm and keep thinking if I would have realised I would have done 'better'.

I know as a serious point that we were both healthy and that's the main thing, nothing went wrong, I can't even pin point what would change for me to have done 'better' but I can't stop my mind going over and over it and being upset I didn't do well.

I'm also confused as I know it was as straight forward birth as possible but it bloody hurt, I keep reading posts and things which mention enjoying birth and it not being painful and things like that and feel bad I didn't enjoy it when, as people keep telling me, I had it so easy

Sorry for the rant but it just makes me sad when I think about it and it's been almost 4 months now, I thought I'd get over it but I just can't 😞

Has anyone else felt like this? Will it get any better, I'm already worried about having no2 due to this

Thank you all for reading

Congratulations on your little one

I want to be very clear with you - you didn't not give birth to your baby wrong. How do I know this ? You have told us the baby is healthy and thriving - that's how I know.

You say the birth was very painful - yep that sounds about right. However you got to 6cm dilation without realising you were in labour - your body knew what to do and I'm assuming this part was pain free.

Please don't get hung up on other mothers telling you how much they enjoyed giving birth. Some mothers 'enjoy' it, most experience intense pain but are elated by the birth of their child, some have relatively pain free births. So on a scale of pain experience it can go from almost nothing to excruciating. Each birth is different. Yours sounds absolutely fine. When you find yourself thinking about your delivery - change the subject in your mind to something completely different, eg don't the snowdrops look lovely, I'm looking forward to pizza for dinner tonight, what the hell is the cat / dog up to now. Break the cycle of over-thinking and dwelling on the same thoughts.

As well as this, can I suggest you talk to your health visitor or GP about your feelings. Alternatively you could ask to talk through your labour with your community midwife. With all the hormonal changes in a woman's body following pregnancy and child birth, emotions can be overwhelming.

You should also ask your HV about expressing as well - it shouldn't be painful. Do you need to express? If you don't, then don't.

OP, there is no wrong way to give birth. Please stop beating yourself up about that.

I was 8cm when I got to the hospital with DD2. I knew I was in labour but it progressed very quickly. I had no pain relief for it. I had an epidural with DD1. I didn’t enjoy either labour but, if I had to choose, I’d go for DD2’s labour again. More intense and painful but much quicker and I recovered quicker.

I expressed for both DDs. Not fun! You’ve gone longer than I did so well done you!

Birth fucking hurts, you have to stretch a tiny pin prick of a hole to 10cm and push a baby out of it. Well done!

I felt like this after the birth of my first, it was not so straight forward but that’s unimportant. Ask your GP to refer you to the maternal mental health team they will help you talk through how you are feeling.

I have a psychological block to pumping. Why are you pumping? Are you exclusively pumping? That takes some serious dedication.

Is the baby out? Then you did just fine!

There's no wrong. I've seen the videos of women who use controlled breathing and can smile for the camera. Good for them. Me, I screamed my head off. The only coherent thing I said in four and a half hours was was "It bloody hurts!" I thought the pain would kill me. Just the pain, not complications.

I think you did well. You were 6cm dilated before you knew it was labour - good, that saved you a lot of hanging around.

As for the pumping- put the baby to the breast constantly - if she's awake or half awake, she should be suckling. Pump when she sleeps, if it makes you feel better. It will sort itself out.

Thank you all for responding

@DPotter I know I'm being irrational and I know HV or GP will say this is a non issue and I don't need to worry, I know that but I can't stop feeling that if that makes sense so I end up feeling silly because I know I shouldn't be thinking like this 😩 I appreciate the knowledge that it does bloody hurt and it wasn't just me

@BeingATwatItsABingThing thank you, it's nice knowing I'm not the only one who it hurt with

@Thatwentbadly yes exclusively pumping, I tried until last week to breastfeed however the triple feeding (breast, then bottle feeding expressed when that didn't work then pumping for next feed) was just too much, I felt guilty for stopping attempting

@Hailtomyteeth as above I have given up trying to get baby breast feeding only, I wanted to transition to formula after 16 week injections but baby is thriving so much I'd feel terrible if this stopped due to the formula

Thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone with this ❤️

Birth hurts. I’ve had three, all straightforward births, all fucking painful. Doesn’t mean I did it wrong!
Not knowing you’re in labour until 6cms dilated is a good thing in my eyes! What do you think would have been different if you’d known sooner?

You sound super hard on yourself. Giving birth is HORRIBLE and you didn't do it wrong.

It might be worth speaking to a lactation consultant about upping her supply and trying to get the baby back on the boob as what you are doing sounds exhausting. Can I ask why you were topping up in the first place?

I'm also confused as I know it was as straight forward birth as possible but it bloody hurt, I keep reading posts and things which mention enjoying birth and it not being painful and things like that and feel bad I didn't enjoy it when, as people keep telling me, I had it so easy

It sounds as though you had a very normal experience, right down to not enjoying it! I admit that I enjoyed giving birth, but with the caveat that I enjoyed it in the same way as I (used to) enjoy running long distance: it's hard, it's exhausting and it hurts (certainly didn't enjoy the pain)... but the achievement was worth it. As for the pain... I don't think it's possible to truly experience no pain unless you have an epidural!

At the of the day, I would try to bear in mind that every pregnancy, every labour and every birth is different. Your experience is just as valid even though it differs to what you've read.

Regarding the pumping/breast feeding, try to consider the holistic picture... your well being and mental health is important, so if it's not working for you, don't feel guilty. On the other hand, if you want to work towards breast feeding rather than pumping, a lactation consultant would be very helpful (I'm also happy to post some advice here, but only if you're interested, the important thing to remember is that "fed is best").

There is no way to give birth wrong, you did amazingly and got your baby out of your body, with or without assistance, that's all that matters. There is no scoreboard or medals given out.
Honestly it sounds like postnatal anxiety, which I had quite badly. It can cause intrusive thoughts and make you focus to the extreme on things that don't matter. Maybe talk to your hv or gp if you need to. Mine was linked to my horrible bf experience and I can imagine exclusively pumping is exhausting and depressing at times.
Dont feel guilty about switching to formula if that's what you want. Pumping is exhausting and you have done it for 4 months. Amazing. Your baby has got so much goodness from your milk but what they will need more is a happy healthy mum who isn't stressing about something that really won't matter down the line. I gave up bf at 4 months after a horrific journey and honestly so so much of my anxiety and sadness lifted once I had accepted my decision and I really started to bond with my lo. Obviously I was sad for a day or two but it didn't matter one jot to my baby. Dont put extra pressure on yourself to keep pumping, maybe start slowing it down, adding in more formula and by the time you start introducing solids at 6 months you'll wonder why you were so focused on breast milk or nothing.
Obviously just my opinion and do whatever will make you happiest and your life calm as long as your lo has no allergies etc. Then they can thrive on formula too.

I don't think anyone telling you you didn't do birthing wrong will help as, as you said, its completely irrational. But have a read about PNA and see if there are any coping strategies out there that you feel might help you. Good luck.

I know HV or GP will say this is a non issue and I don't need to worry, I know that but I can't stop feeling that if that makes sense so I end up feeling silly because I know I shouldn't be thinking like this

Do you know because you have already mentioned this or do you think they will say it's a non issue ? It is an issue for you and that's the important thing. So please ask to talk to HV or GP (whether you've spoken to them before or not) and ask for help - these thoughts are starting to overwhelm you and you would like help. The suggestion for a referral to the maternal health team is a really good idea.

Pregnancy, child birth, hormones, sleepless nights, endless pumping / and/ or feeding - they take their toll. You're not being silly - you're a new Mum who's doing her level best to care for her new baby and you're doing a bloody good job of it too as your baby is healthy and thriving. There is no shame or blame is asking for help, whether it's a lactation consultant, midwife, HV or GP

@MrBullinaChinaShop & @Tyranttoddler thank you, I was starting to think it was just me who felt like that and felt really daft because nothing went wrong

@Thatwentbadly I’ve only had access to telephone help which I don’t think has helped, my supply isn’t necessarily the issue (I am struggling to keep up with how much he’s increasing but we’ve been freezing the excess when it’s been there) baby just prefers bottle now and gets very frustrated at the breast even if we try when not very hungry. we topped up initially with formula as baby was very mucusy at birth and refused to feed. I started pumping initially so too ups could be breast milk and not formula. I even feel silly about this as all through pregnancy The plan was to try to breast feed but I was more than happy to formula feed / mixed feed, fed is best but now it feels like it was all for nothing if I stop

@Poppins2016 I kind of see what you mean, the achievement was amazing and I would do it again for LO if needed, happy for any advice you would give. Tried a lot of techniques and skin to skin but happy to try again if it’s not too late!

@Emberblu I think you might be right, I’m not sure how to deal with this, I KNOW I’m wrong in what I’m thinking so I’m not sure what can be done when I know I’m wrong, does that make sense? (It’s almost like I have a ‘logical’ brain which knows what I did was perfectly fine and I did it well etc but my ‘emotional’ brain still thinks I did it wrong - I hope that doesn’t sound too strange!)

@DPotter thank you, I think I will try and get an appointment next week

Thank you all so much and sorry if reply is a bit funny I’m on desktop site atm as the app is not working properly and never been on this before x

It’s fine to stop pumping (if you do then do it slowly for your sake). It’s not for nothing, you have already given your baby a fantastic start.

If you wanted it a private lactation consultant would be able to help in person.

I was really sad for a while after a I didn't have the vbac I wanted and had a c-section again.
Looking back I realise there is no right way or wrong way, and every birth is different.
I was also unable to successfully establish breast- feeding which I found really difficult at the time because I loved it, but having tried every avenue I could not increase my supply.
We are good enough. You are good enough.
It's OK to feel sad, but it will pass, and it will feel less important as time goes by.

@fedup2021 it makes total sense, you know in your quiet moments that it's ridiculous and makes no sense, but that other part of you won't let it go. You can start each day with 'today I will not be bothered by x and y' but as soon as the first stress kicks in you're back to obsessing. I think, for me, because I hadn't got other things 'right', I would obsess over other things that I could control, but that was sometimes not in anyone's best interests.

Looking back its so clear but at the time the anxieties made sense. I think it got better for me at about 7 months but I wish I had known how to help myself earlier as I was not enjoying my little baby like I should.

You mention feeling like it will all be for nothing if you stopped now. I know that feeling but your baby has had so much good stuff from you and such a great start then there is no way it was for nothing. If want to stop, stop, but if you want to keep pumping and it's not making you miserable then keep going. Your baby needs you happy and healthy and that is all! Please make sure you take care of yourself. I wish I had stopped earlier looking back, but the irrational guilt does rip at you. It's a self made guilt though, just remember that.

Take care

The rush of hormones you are on right now is no joke. I cried for about 3 weeks following giving birth and I didn’t know why. Be kind to yourself - you got your baby safely out and that’s amazing! Can you maybe think of it as something to think about later (in say 6 weeks) and see how you feel then? You may find you feel a lot more normal.
For the record, my labour was painful and scary and we both nearly died. I’m still having my second in a couple of weeks!

There is no 'wrong', OP.

You grew and then pushed a human baby out of your body. That is a fucking miracle every time, if you think about it.

You should be congratulating yourself for your efforts, not feeling bad.

And yes it hurts. A fuckton of pain. Men will never understand what we go through.

Breastfeeding is also very hard. Forget all that shit about it being natural and easy. No. It's bloody difficult and you have to train a baby to do it properly. If you want to bf instead of pumping, watch some you tube videos, research on La Leche League website, and speak to your HV to see if there is a specialist advisor in their team.

And go easy on yourself. None of this is easy. You've made it to 14 weeks, so buy yourself some chocolate and wine and have a nice evening.

Thank you all so much, we've decided to buy a tub of formula as a back up to take the pressure off such a strict pumping schedule and I'll give GP a call in the morning about my worrying about the birth.

It's nice to know I'm not alone but I know I need to sort this or I'll wish I would have done it sooner when I look back

@fedup2021 all hospitals offer a birth afterthoughts service may be worth getting in touch with them so you can talk through it all with someone.

Pumping made me utterly miserable. OP you're doing a fantastic job and your baby is thriving. Switching to formula is unlikely to change this but it's whatever works for you.

I wonder, in more normal times, we talk to other mums/our own mum/sisters/friends etc about the trauma that giving birth can be? I remember my nct group meeting up once the babies had all arrived and us talking about it quite a lot (and that was a long time ago)
You probably get it out of your system by talking about it at the beginning and you might not have really had that. You hear first hand how they are all so different yet the same. Have you got anyone close that you can discuss it with, sometimes getting our feelings out there makes them feel smaller.

Glad you’ve got some support here @fedup2021. Just a word of caution to reduce your pumping gradually and not suddenly. You don’t want mastitis or engorgement. And also the hormone drop after stopping breastfeeding (which is what you’re doing even when pumping alone) can make some women very low and sad. So if you’re happy to find a balance your little one would still get many benefits from Breastmilk.

You've fallen into the chasm between expectation and reality. I've been there. I wanted to breathe my baby out in water at home. I had a v long and traumatic labour, a lot of intervention, emcs, haemorrhage, more surgery. It was about as far from the ideal as possible. And I spiralled. I really couldn't stop replaying it. I kept fixating on key things like "your body will know what to do" or "women have been doing this for centuries" or my friend's "I'm so pleased I gave my baby the best start possible with a gentle birth".

It took me two years to do something about it. Two years of sadness and guilt. I had some birth trauma counselling and a debrief and a few realisations helped.

Your brain and your body are not separate entities. You say "I didn't realise I was in labour and should have". Well your body and your mind have a symbiotic relationship. And it's finely turned. Touch a hot hob? Brain tells you to move your hand before you even think about it. Ball heading for your face? You block it. Cold? You shiver. Your body does what it needs to do based on the signals it receives from your brain. What it needs to do doesn't have a template. There is no "ideal birth" blueprint in your brain which it works to. There is sense and reaction. So you didn't know you were labouring because you didn't need to. It was an organic and perfect example of your body simply doing. And too painful? Pain has a purpose. Your body told you those things and you reacted in the way it wanted you to by moving position or pushing against it or making noise. And I know how it feels. I didn't feel in control. I certainly wasn't enjoying it. I felt like my body was doing these excruciating, terrifying and uncontrollable things and I just endured it. I didn't manage it. I submitted to it. But what could I do? My body was doing. And I am my body. I think it's easier to accept with time.

Friends who had textbook births felt the same way. They felt they didn't do enough. I realised that exhaustion, trauma, hormones, anxiety etc were not necessarily occurring because of the circumstances of the birth but because I was a woman who had been though it and the fatigue, the hormones, the magnitude of change can cause those feelings. I didn't deserve it, it was simply a chemical and emotional reaction to a huge event.

This realisation took years but there was too much "I" in my narrative. I worried about what I had done or hadn't done or how I'd failed and I hadn't got the legacy of beautiful feelings and perfect memories to carry away and it was the biggest thing I'd ever done and now it was too late and I was crap at birth and I was angry and I was disappointed. And then the baby who I failed (I really didn't but it felt like it!), started to ask questions. She asked about the day we became two people and she did not give a tiny monkey's about the stuff I fixated on for 3 years. She wanted to know the story of how she pooed on the midwife and how Daddy cried and how much I loved her and how her hat was too big and the amusing name of the surgeon (Mr Chopi) and who met her later that day and simply how we began. The method wasn't important after all. It was a story I told her again and again. And it was the story of how we met. Of how she was in the dark and came out blinking and sneezing. Of how she took a wrong turn and a host of helpers guided her out. Of how I started to love her. And that story is just as it should be. But you only discover it once you share it together. Your baby has what it needs from you by virtue of you giving them life. The method did not matter to them or their ability to thrive.

Breastfeeding troubles do not help because you feel it is another facet of motherhood that should come naturally and again, it doesn't feel natural or easy or even possible. Specialised support with this is vital and worth it. And you have agency. You can make choices whether that is formula or cup feeding or working back to breast feeding. This is YOUR choice.

Talk about it. Talk and talk and talk. On here really helps because we are legion. There are so many MNers who can simply say "I understand" and that's powerful. And some of us will waffle and try and help because we know it gets better. But talk to the right people as well because that might be a GP or the birth afterthoughts team.

Forgive yourself. And I'm going to do for you what another MNer did for me. She forgave me while I couldn't do it myself. She knew I had no reason to feel guilt and nothing worthy of forgiveness except a feeling. But she knew I needed it so she offered it and I am so endlessly grateful that she gave me permission to move on. So, if it helps, for now... I forgive you. But this is a bargain. You have to one day forgive yourself. And you will. You did nothing wrong.

I promise it won't always feel like this. You might even have a second baby in less than ideal circumstances and laugh and smile and feel proud of yourself. I know because I did it. Rubbish labour, another emcs. It was perfect.

My 2nd dc .. the contractions about 20 mins before I was pushing were bloody horrendous. I couldn’t even move or bend. The midwife was a moany cow who complained that she’d only had a chocolate muffin for lunch and was now starving!

@ShowOfHands what a beautiful, supportive and touching post.

@fedup2021 in terms of breastfeeding... a good lactation consultant is worth their weight in gold. I was lucky to be able to attend drop in breastfeeding clinics run by the hospital (pre pandemic) and my trust now runs them on zoom (or similar), might be worth seeing whether there's something similar in your area. La Leche League is absolutely brilliant, there will almost certainly be a local FB page for your area (other areas will welcome you if not) and they currently run virtual sessions.

KellyMom is a website that was recommended to me by a midwife and was absolutely invaluable for improving latch, supply, etc. I'd almost go as far as to say that if it's not on KellyMom it's not worth knowing! kellymom.com/category/bf/

In general terms (and assuming that tongue tie and serious supply issues have been ruled out) the best advice I can give you is to eat well (aim to include oats!), do lots of skin to skin and feed, feed, feed. If you want to keep both baby and supply stimulated, try 'switch feeding' (swapping multiple times from one breast to the other during a feed). Trust your body. If baby is content, gaining weight and and has enough dirty nappies, feeding is going well. You can't measure your supply, only the output (AKA content, nourished baby) - do note that pumping isn't an accurate indication of supply, because babies are far more efficient than a pump!

Last but not least... as I said in my previous post, "fed is best". If you'd be happier and more relaxed by switching to formula, that's OK! The holistic approach, balancing the health and happiness of mother and child, is really important.