Feeling like I birthed wrong

[fedup2021]

Hi, I don't know why I'm writing this or if it's even in the right place,

My LO is 14 weeks old, my first pregnancy, the birth was straight forward, less than 12 hours, no complications. We stayed in one night due to feeding issues

LO is healthy and thriving, no issues what so ever. I am currently pumping which I honestly really do not like but as baby is thriving I will continue despite my discomfort

I'm not sure if it's the excess time alone I have due to covid etc but I can't stop thinking how I didn't do the birthing 'right'. I didn't realise I was in labour until I was 6cm and keep thinking if I would have realised I would have done 'better'.

I know as a serious point that we were both healthy and that's the main thing, nothing went wrong, I can't even pin point what would change for me to have done 'better' but I can't stop my mind going over and over it and being upset I didn't do well.

I'm also confused as I know it was as straight forward birth as possible but it bloody hurt, I keep reading posts and things which mention enjoying birth and it not being painful and things like that and feel bad I didn't enjoy it when, as people keep telling me, I had it so easy

Sorry for the rant but it just makes me sad when I think about it and it's been almost 4 months now, I thought I'd get over it but I just can't 😞

Has anyone else felt like this? Will it get any better, I'm already worried about having no2 due to this

Thank you all for reading

I should also have said, if you do want to persevere with BFing, don't worry if it seems to take a little bit of time to ease into. I had a very rocky start with my DS but eventually supply and demand caught up with each other!

I feel like this too!! But in my case I was super aware of being in labour from early on so I went to the birth centre, got sent home and then later went back and stayed. I got high on the gas and air and refused to get out of the pool for an assessment because I was nice and warm. I feel a bit silly now for doing that. It’s nice to know others feel like birth didn’t go their way but I’m glad they have now found peace with it. Sending you hugs xx

I had a cesarean, which was planned due to health reasons and size of baby (well over 10lbs when born at 37 weeks). I was totally fine about it - baby's health and mine more important that any sort of 'experience'. My husbands ex then said to me "oh you didn't have a 'real' birth then". Well excuse me, but it felt pretty damn real to me! Surgery is no joke. But regardless, I was ok, the baby was OK. What else matters?

Why has this idea of giving birth being some sort of designer experience come about in the last few Years? Childbirth hurts like hell and is extremely hard work which is where the term labour comes from. I’m pretty sure that until comparatively recently if you came through it with a healthy baby and a generally undamaged mother, you felt you’d been very lucky. Childbirth and feeding seem to have become some sort of competitive sport. Why do women do this to other women?

@ShowOfHands what a beautiful post x
@angstridden2 in fairness I never had a birth plan, never cared about how I fed etc, then DD turned up and I felt like everything I’d done was ‘wrong’. I genuinely think it’s a glitch in how our love for our babies manifests. I was the most laidback pregnant woman ever. It’s just how it happens sometimes.

@orangejuicer we're going to buy some formula in our next shop so we can start introducing it. I wanted to bf until the last set of jabs so I think a few weeks early is not too bad.

@NaturalBlondeYeahRight I think you're right, I've tried to explain how I'm feeling to my my but she has a lot going on at the moment so it's hard to explain how what I KNOW and how I FEEL are so conflicting

@Isadora2007 thank you, I'll definitely wean off pumping if that's what I decide

@ShowOfHands thank you so so much. Your post brought me to tears, I know you're 100% right baby does not care how I think I've failed. I'll come back to reread when I'm having a bad day

@Poppins2016 thank you, I have read a lot of the Kelly mom site, we've decided to try combo feeding with some formula, it's not that my supply is a huge issue but some days it feels like I need to pump a certain amount by a certain time to cover feeds (I know I could just defrost some so I don't know why I feel like this) so I think the formula will take some pressure off

@WalkiesAndBiscuits I get so embarrassed sometimes, I remember I was apologising to the midwives all the way through labour for swearing, it just felt wrong! 😳

@Midlifephoenix I love the 'not real birth' line for csections! My mum had a csection with me so we joke I was never actually born haha!! You're right though, both healthy and I do feel very lucky for that. I think that's what. I need to focus on

@angstridden2 it's frustrating because I'd never tell someone else they didn't do all they could etc but just don't believe it when I say it to myself

@Dollywilde this is exactly what's happened! I'm so glad it's not just me, it's such a vicious cycle though, I spend a lot of time thinking about it and then feel guilty that I should be using that time and energy focusing on LO so then feel even more guilty and on and on. I thought I'd have got past it with him being this old

I had to be induced, be hooked up to ctg constantly, forceps, suction cup, cut, tear, blood transfusion, baby in NICU. It sends chills down my spine just thinking about it.

I don't think this is even an irrational thought. Imagine if anything else in life had caused you that much pain, you'd be within your rights to call it a trauma. Its a big shock to the system to go through even a "straight forward" birth. The most painful, vulnerable and out of control time of many women's lives. I had a very straight forward vbac 2 years ago but I'm still so nervous about doing it again in 3 weeks time! Its a huge thing to go through, not to mention the hormones and the fact that once you've been through it, you now have a tiny, totally dependent human to care for!

I really think if you accept that these thoughts are normal and ok, they'll become less intrusive and you'll be able to process them and move on. Everything you're feeling is valid and you're obviously doing a great job.

Congratulations on baby