Getting really anxious about sleep deprivation

[TangBloodyFastic]

Hi all
As I am rapidly approaching my due date I can't help but feel really anxious about what is to come
I am really worried about sleep deprivation
All I am reading is how hard it is and how awful the lack of sleep is and it's making me dread what is to come and my ability to cope (I am not an anxious person!)
I am hoping to BF but the posts I'm reading about how hard/awful it is are really putting me off.
Can anyone share any positive stories to get my mind back on track and try and lift some of the doom and gloom which I am now dreading

Think you run on hormones for at least the first few months...

My positive is that it doesn't last forever! A tip, if this is possible, is to share the night feeds. My dp took care of our ds 6pm- 12am which is when I got a solid block of sleep in. This really helped with the night wake ups. My baby was ff so this worked for us, but I have bf friends who would express for a bottle during this time. I realise this doesn't work for all bf babies with cluster feeding etc. I am sure a bf mumsnetter will be along with some better advice than me!
Don't feel anxious about it (easier said than done!) but definitely come up with a workable solution for your circumstances before the baby arrives.

I always say to expectant mums that the tiredness from the newborn days didn’t even come close to the sheer exhaustion on the third trimester! Honestly it was such a relief to have a newborn because all he did was sleep! It was utter bliss to get a 3 hour stretch of sleep, change and feed, 3 more etc - I was really well rested with a newborn.

I also napped when he napped. It really hacks me off when people say “oh and I’ll clean when baby cleans! Eye roll!”

No - you back off the cleaning, get help if you’re lucky enough to have it, and do the bare minimum - then sleep when the baby sleeps! It’s not for long.

I personally found the sleep deprivation only really affected me after 6 months of it, and he didn’t sleep through until 2 unless we co slept. (If we co slept he would sleep through, but always had the usual comments which made me feel guilty and that he should be in his own room etc)

Currently preg with DS2 and will co sleep this time if he’s as bad at sleeping as his big brother!

Good luck - get your support network in place, and enable yourself to be able to take naps - you’ll be fine 😊

As for infant feeding - do whatever works for you. My son was bottle fed from 3 weeks and a shit sleeper, so method of feeding isn’t an indication of a good sleeper.

I agree about the running in hormones thing - there is some magic trick of nature that makes your short bursts of sleep in the early days more nourishing. For the first few months both times I didn’t feel as tired as I expected, but later I did as it was cumulative. And it’s a lottery as to what kind of baby you are going to get. Some are just sleepy! Mine weren’t though and for me, 9-12 months was the hardest stage. So don’t fear the early days. Yes there are lots of challenges but if BF is possible for you, sitting up in the night cuddling and feeding your tiny warm baby, as if the two of you alone in the world, is such a lovely and special thing. I’m sure the same if you don’t BF.

Sleep deprivation is hard, but I found that co-sleeping made it so much easier. We used a side cot, which was lovely. BFing is also likely to make sleep easier, providing the BFing itself is straightforward for you and your baby. I found that letting go of some of the ideas around what a 'normal' amount of sleep or at what times of the day sleep would happen was really helpful and stopped me fretting and comparing reality to an 'ideal scenario'. Babies sleep loads in the first couple of weeks if stimulation (visits, being passed around, played with etc) is kept to a minimum; both my DC averaged about 18 hours a day in the first couple of weeks; don't schedule anything in and just sleep, sleep, sleep with your baby. If your DP is on paternity leave, he can tip toe around like a house elf for a fortnight doing housework while you focus on healing and resting. Napping when baby naps, prioritising sleep over housework in the first months, slowing right down to baby speed. Once you are up and about, I found that wearing baby in a sling to get stuff done kept baby quiet and content; you can cook, wash up, hang laundry, clean, pretty much anything with a baby on your chest. For the nights, make sure you don't have to worry about waking anyone else when baby wakes up. It can be stressful trying to relax and soothe a baby if you have a DP who 'needs their sleep' so it's a good idea to rethink sleep arrangements until baby is sleeping more regularly and reliably. You want to be supremely comfortable and cosy during nightfeeds, so organise soft dimmed lighting, cushions etc where you can just relax into settling your baby at night. Once BF is established, you can feed lying down (safely, using a side for instance) and almost not wake up at all. I found that, as long as I didn't have to get out of bed in the night to settle the baby, going back to sleep was a doddle.
I wish you so much joy and fun, as well as rest!
Oh, can I recommend the gorgeous book "What Every Parent Needs to Know" by Margot Sunderland for a real parenting balm for the soul experience.

I don't think it's as bad as it actually sounds when you've done it, yes it is exhausting but you're still running on adrenaline and you'll just crack on and get through it. I found that I just got used to being tired, after a week or so it becomes the new normal. Congrats btw!

Thank you so much!

I'm not expecting all sunshine and roses but what I've come to fear is just hell on earth and that's not what I want to feel in my last couple of weeks of pregnancy

I'm not the best sleeper anyway and am still working full time (my choice) and do not feel nearly 40wks pregnant at all.

My attitude throughout has been very positive and the pregnancy has been great considering what I see others going through

I keep telling myself that not going to work will make all the difference. I don't have to be anywhere, I don't have to see anyone if I don't want and I am not one to feel guilty about not doing housework if I'm not feeling up to it.

I'm trying to stay positive and tell myself I'll cope and that I'll be able to nap when baby sleeps but there is so many negative posts that it's hard to stay upbeat

I keep telling myself that the people who don't struggle are the people who don't need to post - so it's not that there aren't any positive stories it's just people don't need to ask advice when they are managing

Thank you for the boost I needed, feel free to continue to reply, it's lovely to hear about the nice experiences of life with a newborn

I think you've got the nail on the head with the idea that we tend to post when struggling; and then MN can be the loveliest, most supportive place.
Also, having an open mind as to what you expect it to be like will make such a difference. I think that comparison in early parenthood is definitely the thief of joy. Surround yourself with other women (and dads) who have a similar outlook to you so you can support each other and share experiences. Cultivate, if possible, connections with humour and earthy honesty for when you need to be able to just offload.
And just to say, one of my all time 'pinnacle of contentment' moments (repeated nightly for about a year... ) was lying in bed in the still of the night with toddler DC1, and baby DC2, one feeding and the other gently snoring, and feeling, despite tired, so happy.

OP you’ll be fine! My second baby was BF and was a dream- from birth only ever woke twice for night feeds, then once then slept through from 6 months. Napped for hours in the day so I could always catch up. I honestly didn’t feel tired really at all! DC1 wasn’t as good but if you have a supportive partner you’ll be fine! With both I’ve always had a 5 hour or so block at some point.

NB I was perhaps v v v v lucky!

Just know that whatever happens, it will pass. And you can always FF if BFing doesn't go to plan.

Congratulations.

Best thing to do is get into a routine and when the baby sleeps u sleep. My DH worked nights so slept all day worked at night so I was on my own. Some nights I would go to bed at 8pm...do the night feed at 12noon then 4am then 8am the get up
...even rhough it was disturbed sleep I got blocks of 4hours .... it doesnt last forever but def get in bed mega early really helps

In my experience its honestly not as bad as you think it'll be, even with a terrible sleeper. If someone had told me when I was pregnant "your baby will still only sleep 2 hours at a time at 7 months, the maximum amount of continuous sleep you'll have for the foreseeable future will be about 3 hours" I would have expected to have drop kicked the baby out of the window and got myself committed by now. But you just adapt to it. I couldn't even drink coffee for the first 4 months (bf baby got horrendous gas every time I had caffeine) and I just napped as much as possible and got on with it. Had some moody tearful days but also a lot of fun joyful days. Co sleeping helps a lot.

I did find breastfeeding really hard but I also love it, its so convenient and lovely. Good expert support is totally necessary so do look up a local support group, my La Leche League group does weekly zoom meetings and occasional info sessions for pregnant women.

Best advice I had was not to look at the clock during the night. Then you can’t “torture” yourself the next day going over how you were awake between 1am and 2.30am and then again at 3am and 5am etc. If you don’t look at the clock then you will wake up the next morning and only be able to recall whether you had a good night or a bad one in terms of amount of solid sleep.

Secondly, imo your body does adapt to being able to cope and you will find yourself able to function on a lot less sleep than you get now if you have to. And if you have some time off work then definitely forget about cleaning or laundry while the baby is asleep during the day and catch up on naps where you need to. I would also advise not stressing about getting the baby to sleep by 7pm for the night from the word go as it is actually easier for them to fall asleep late evening, keep them downstairs with you while you unwind for the day until they wake up again around 11 ish and then take them to bed with you and start from there for the night. For me this made it feel like the night wasn’t so long and I only noticed the times when they actually woke me up after 11ish.

My final advice is to co-sleep if you feel comfortable doing that, especially if you are able to breastfeed. I cannot tell you how much less tiring it is to not have to physically get out of bed and go and retrieve the baby, set up for feeding and then wait until they are asleep again before hoping to settle them off somewhere else. Once they are slightly bigger and breastfeeding is nicely established, it’s possible just to roll onto your side and feed them lying down in the dark with your eyes closed. Even though you have been woken up, both of you are still half asleep and it helps massively with the next day tiredness. Your instincts are also a marvellous thing and I found myself able to wake up just as the baby started to wiggle around and start to wake themselves up. If you quickly get the boob in at that point then they invariably don’t really wake up fully and so just feed and drop off the nipple and straight back to sleep so you can too.

Aww I almost miss those quiet times when it’s just the two of you awake in the house and you get to snuggle up tightly with your little baby. My youngest is now almost 7!!!

Enjoy your baby OP :-) I know people find it difficult but I absolutely loved the baby and toddler stage and really miss them being at home with me during the day.

My advice would be to try not to fight or control it. Just go along with what your baby needs. The worst bits are only the first few months and in fact there is gradual improvement from abut 6 weeks. Breast feeding is not hard for most people it is just very constant and your baby and their care might be all you have time for for a few weeks. The pay off is the huge convenience of breast feeding going forward. Rest when your baby rests and take each day as it comes would be my advice.

You're sensible to be thinking about this - sleep does underpin everything. Obviously it will be all over the place for a while and less than ideal, but make it a priority. The single most helpful thing my husband did was let me have lie-ins. He was able to flex his working patterns to allow this. Many employers are more flexible these days due to Covid - could your husband/partner WFH at least some of the time, to give you more time in the mornings? Obviously weekends should be lie-in central.

I exclusively breast-fed btw, which at least meant I never had to faff about with bottles in the night. That said, baby did have some bottles for the first couple of weeks, when I was just too bone-tired to be woken. It was fine, didn't affect breastfeeding for me.

I didn't breastfeed but I found the sleeping fine 99% of the time. We had a great routine between myself and my husband and she fed around every 4 hours at first. At the end of the day you have to feed them so your body just tends to get on with it. Don't get me wrong there's sleepy times but I wouldn't let this panic you.

I think you need to stop borrowing trouble; you might have a baby who sleeps well. Just enjoy your baby; sleep when you can and let the dust settle - literally.

I was very lucky that I found breastfeeding pretty straightforward and painless - put baby on breast and turn the tv on for 20mins. Baby was a terrible sleeper, but I took each day and night as it came and look back on those days of snuggling down on the sofa with baby with real fondness!

DD was my first (and only). She was breastfed. And she was a brilliant sleeper.

But you can't tell fellow parents that you're not having awful nights, because they'll either be jealous and/or they'll think you're lying

So you only hear the horror stories about sleep. Many of us muddle through just fine!

Either way, you'll deal with it

Also if you dare to say, online, that your baby slept through the night from 6 weeks, people just say "Sleeping from 10pm to 3am doesn't count!", or whatever. Whereas my DD slept from 10pm to 7am from an early age.

As you say, those of us who get on fine don't feel the need to post about it, and in fact often get accused of lying or being smug if we do

Touchy, moi?!

It's weirdly not as bad as it seems. Mine didn't sleep (woke every 90 mins for at least 6 months) the first week is a shock but after that it just is what it is (and I love sleep, used to need 10 hours a night before motherhood)

@TangBloodyFastic - please don't worry (I know that is difficult) - it will not be as bad as you are dreading it will be.

The thing that I found helped the most was realising that I didn't have to rush round and do things when the baby napped during the day - I could sit down and have a rest or even a nap too. Ds1 wouldn't nap for long in his moses basket, during the day - but he would sleep if I held him - so if I wanted him to nap, I had to sit down with him.

If I remember correctly (he turned 27 this year), I would sit either on the couch or on a chair with fairly high arms, so he was tucked towards one side of me, where the back of the sofa or the arm of the chair would stop any risk of him falling, if I did nod off.

Co-sleeping at night can often help too - yes, you still have to wake up to feed and change the baby, but the baby will fall asleep more easily afterwards, tucked up next to you in bed. Or, if you don't want to co-sleep, you can use a next to the bed cot (I can't remember what they are called - sorry).

One thing I used to find was that putting the baby down into a chilly Moses basket used to wake them up - so I took to swaddling them in a blanket before feeding them, and then the blanket insulated them from the cooler mattress in the basket, when I put them down. Plus, little babies like being swaddled because it reminds them of being in the womb, and makes them feel secure.

It's not that bad. Nights with babies are much easier than days with toddlers!