Advise really conflicted thank you

[Liliatori]

I am 27 weeks pregnant with a baby girl due 9.2.21 it’s all very nerve racking/exciting time and I am so excited to meet her. I am going to be a single parent as my partner of three years split up with me the day before I found out I was pregnant. Our relationship was great I loved/love him completely yet when lockdown happened everything just went horribly wrong. He was very argumentative, wouldn’t leave his bed, expected me to work long hours (I’m a key worker my job is very busy even more so as a result of the pandemic) then come home & cook for him. It was very tiring I would make jokes about him sleeping all day stuff like his majesty is joining us and send memes of sleeping granddad’s etc he said this was abusive. I stopped of course but his behaviour didn’t improve it just escalated until he ended our relationship.

Anyways after I found out I was pregnant he applied a lot of pressure on me to terminate the pregnancy. He said that he would crash my car to cause me to miscarry and that he would take the baby once the baby was born and kill the baby & himself. He said that if I terminated the pregnancy he would resume a relationship with me toying with my love for him. He said that I was a horrible person. Implied that I was incapable of being a mother because I have mild autism and am a victim of physical, emotional & sexual abuse as a result of a terrible relationship with an ex partner. He compared me to my ex partner which made me feel very low & said that he hated me. During this period I just felt lost and was kind to him or ignored him but it was making me feel very low. After experiencing suicidal thoughts my midwife asked me to block contact with him to help improve my mental health which it did.

Fast forward to the current date I am feeling very overwhelmed about the birth as a result of sexual abuse suffered. I am undergoing counselling and being assessed to see whether a c-section would be the best option for me as a result of abuse. My midwife has said that I need to have a trusted birth partner so I chose my mum who is my rock. However my ex has requested to be present and as we’re in a pandemic I can only have one birth partner so feel really conflicted. I still despite everything love my ex and we have been getting along as friends for the past month. But we haven’t met up in person it’s just been phone calls/texts and even though he has been kind if I disagree with him about something even if it’s minor or ask for a further explanation as sometimes during learning difficulties I don’t understand he becomes horrible starts swearing and says he hates me. He does always apologise afterwards but I don’t feel comfortable with him as a result. I spoke to my mum, dad & midwife who have said that just because he wants to be there doesn’t mean he has a right and I need to do what’s best for me. My midwife is concerned that I am vulnerable and if I don’t have a trusted birth partner it’ll cause more stress at the birth which won’t be good for me or the baby. But at the same time I feel bad as it’s his first child and I don’t want to deprive him especially as hospital restrictions are strict during the pandemic. It’s just I’m so scared of giving birth and I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t know if I should take my midwife/family advise or let him be my birth partner?

Thank you for your help & please be kind

Thank you

There is no question. You must take your mum. It would be vert very wrong to ask him. Wrong for him, you and your baby.

Please don’t let this man back into your life OP. Listen to the advice you have been given. He is abusive and has made threats against you and the baby. Your Mum should be your birth partner.

Have you had any counselling? I think you need to talk this through with someone impartial and build up your confidence.
If I were you I would think hard about whether you name him on the birth certificate too.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the baby

@Haffdonga thank you for responding he has specifically asked to be present he says that it maybe his own only opportunity to see a child of his born and he doesn’t want to be deprived of the experience which is why I’m conflicted and guilty as I don’t want to deprive him

A man who would murder his own child has absolutely no right to be at that child's birth.

He is not someone who panicked about being a father and left, he is someone who actively threatened to murder your child. You will be this baby’s mother, he or she will love and trust you above all things. Part of your job is to protect him/her from any threat. You cannot let this abusive man being your child’s life, let alone the delivery room. Block. Keep evidence of anything he says to you. Get a restraining order if necessary. Value yourself - no one should love someone who abuses and threatens them, and no one should bring up a child to think that this is what “love” looks like.

@JamaicanJamboree thank you for your response! 💜 I am currently undergoing counselling but it’s all very confusing as I keep comparing him to my first partner who was really horrible and he was never like him so it’s just confusing to see his behaviour for what it is. I really want my mum at the birth because she’s always there for me and I know she will be. I’m just relieved to hear that others agree that I’m doing the right thing having my mum as the birthing partner rather than him and I’m not being horrible by depriving him. I just don’t want to be horrible to him as I know without him I wouldn’t be blessed with my daughter. Thank you for your well wishes 😊

[quote Liliatori]@Haffdonga thank you for responding he has specifically asked to be present he says that it maybe his own only opportunity to see a child of his born and he doesn’t want to be deprived of the experience which is why I’m conflicted and guilty as I don’t want to deprive him[/quote]
You are not “depriving” him of anything, he did that all by himself when he made threats against a helpless baby.

And (i’ll stop ranting now, i promise) congratulations on your pregnancy.

You know that your mum is the right call. You can see that even if he is “not quite” as abusive as your other ex, he is still abusive. You are taking steps to distance yourself from him, you are doing all the right things. You can do this.

100% your mum. No doubt.

@HollowTalk & @RubaiyatOfAnyone he said this at the very beginning of the pregnancy and I think he said it to scare me into having a termination which is just completely messed up but he now denies saying it as this was said over the phone and says that when he found out I was pregnant he was chatting rubbish, wanted me to terminate so was just saying stuff to scare him as he knows with my learning difficulties I can get very easily confused and take things literally. I know he would not physically hurt our child but as my family have said he just plays kind games with me because he knows my weaknesses etc but thank you for the advise I do really need to work on valuing myself. Ultimately even though he has been kind on the whole for a few weeks doesn’t take away what he did despite apologising his behaviour has been horrible and I do want better for my daughter. Thank you honestly sometimes I just need clarity really

I am glad to be of some help. You sound like a good person and you have been through a horrible experience.
Please think of you and the baby. This man has lost his right to ask anything of you as far as I am concerned. Your loyalty is to your baby and not him. Only your Mum should be with you and don’t let him anywhere near.

This man is unlikely to change. I think you should consider talking to social services and/or the police about what he has said and done to protect both you and the baby. Would you trust him to look after the baby on his own if he wants access? I know I wouldn’t. Don’t ever forget he has threatened to kill the baby, this must be taken seriously.

Please OP be kind to yourself and realise that he is bad news. Your baby is your priority here.
Continue with the counselling, what advice does the counsellor give about this man?

@RubaiyatOfAnyone honestly thank you I think I need a talking to sometimes as I just get a bit lost but I am trying to distance myself & give my daughter the best life. I’ve been working hard doing additional training to move up the career ladder and I just need to do what’s best for me. Mum as always is right 😊
@Letshavesometea thank you

@JamaicanJamboree thank you! It has been really tough my counsellor thinks because of my learning difficulties I get taken advantage of hence two abusive relationships. She thinks that I need to work on my self confidence and establishing abuse. She believes that my ex was playing games with me at the start which is why he kept making threats and stuff but is getting me additional support. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being unreasonable by depriving him of seeing his child being born I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t unreasonable and I’m relieved you guys don’t think it is.

It certainly isn’t unreasonable OP. You know your own mind and I think you just need to build your confidence and your boundaries so you are clear on what is acceptable and what isn’t. Being treated with respect and kindness is non negotiable.
Concentrate on getting the help you need and creating a safe environment for you and the baby.
You can do this, believe in yourself.

Take your mum. What advice would you give your darling child in 25 years from now (give or take). Someone who has been mean and abusive or your mum. Its about whats best for you and baby.

Hey OP you're not "depriving him" of anything! No man (or woman for that matter) has a right to watch a woman in labour and see a baby coming out of her. It's not a show with a one-time ticket - because it's not a show!

Your birth partner is there to support you, not watch your genitals!

Tell him to fuck off if he insists. Honestly - I don't say that lightly.

He's just bring "nice" to you right now because he wants something. And he can't even manage that because he's still being horrible to you, only he "apologises" after.

He also doesn't have a "right" to see the baby immediately when it's born.

Please have your mum there. She knows you and loves you.

And please don't put this man on the birth certificate or give your baby his surname. You need to have control of your life, which you won't if he's named. If you want your child to see him you can always let that happen. If you put his nane on the birth certificate he can control your life for the next 18 years.

And please don't put this man on the birth certificate or give your baby his surname. You need to have control of your life, which you won't if he's named. If you want your child to see him you can always let that happen. If you put his nane on the birth certificate he can control your life for the next 18 years.

THIS

And please do not just assume he would never hurt your child. He is an abusive man who threatened to kill you and her.

Agree with all the posters here, take your Mum. It's important no matter what way you birth you're baby that you feel supported.

Please entirely eradicate the man from your life - log his threats with the police of this has not been done. As others have said give the baby your surname & do not pot him on the BC. He has been abusive to you during your relationship, that alone means he is too dangerous to you & your baby. The death threats are terrifying.

I don't want to scare you but abusive men do kill women & children. Please take the threats seriously - tell the police too & this hopefully means he will never have legal access to your baby. He does not deserve it

You sound amazingly strong, I hope you get help to be even stronger

@JamaicanJamboree thank you so so much being treated with kindness & respect is the minimum thing that he can do and if my daughter was being treated the way he has treated me I would be so furious so I agree I need to set boundaries and I think he is asking for to much considering his behaviour thank you for your kindness

@Halo1234 thank you I appreciate your feedback
@DeKraai thank you honestly I just felt so bad saying no I sent him this long message just explaining that I need someone who loves me in the room, who will be there for me & my baby and not someone who can say really horrible things making me feel low. He said that it was okay and he understood but felt that he was being deprived from this experience that he may never experience again. I think you are right he most likely is showing ‘kindness’ because he wants something rather than his kindness being a 100% genuine.
@Somewhereelsewhere thank you for your feedback it’s really appreciated.
@PrincessForADay thank you for feedback and kindness I definitely do feel stronger than I did when our relationship ended initially. It’s just been really overwhelming time but I’m relieved that you all agree that I’m not depriving him and I’m doing the right thing bringing my mum as that’s who I want there 😊

I just wanted to say thank you for the feedback it’s such a relief which I know sounds strange that other people think bringing my mum is the right thing to do. I just want someone who loves me in the room and will be supportive no matter what. It’s been really overwhelming and I was feeling guilty for saying no to him as he’s the child’s father but ultimately it’s me that’s going to give birth so it’s me who gets to choose who I have present. Also it’s his behaviour that has deprived him rather than me! Thank you so much 💜

Hi @Liliatori, please do not feel guilty about not letting this man anywhere near you!!
I would also strongly recommend you don’t put him on the birth certificate- but I don’t want to overwhelm you with more worried right now, but don’t want to not flag it up.

You MUST put you and baby first. Just to reassure you, that you’re not being unkind. I’m now 9 weeks pregnant and have amicably split up with the father. I doubt though that I’ll let him be at the birth even if he wants to be as it’s about delivering this baby safely and as calmly as possible. I need people there that are 100% there for me, not because they want to watch ‘their’ child being birthed.
Maybe speak to your counsellor about how to develop and create good strong boundaries? It’s helped me enormously.

All the best for your birth

@Namechangedforthisoct2 firstly congratulations on your pregnancy I hope you have a smooth pregnancy and birth 💜
Also sorry about your break up they are tough even on good terms hope your doing okay!

Honestly it’s a relief to hear that others are choosing to not have the father present and have someone they want their it makes me feel less like I am obligated to let him be present. I am definitely working with the counsellor to create boundaries and I actually think this request is crossing the boundaries even though he is her father. Also thank you for the additional advise concerning the birth certificate I need to think carefully about that luckily you have time after the birth to register it.

Thank you for your response 🎉🎉

Hi @Liliatori,

Thank you and I wish you a smooth and calm successful birth too

It sounds like you’re really taking the right steps, it’s just if you’ve never enforced boundaries before I get it can feel like ‘you’re being mean’ - but that’s only what we’ve been led to believe!
Stand firm and put you and Baby first xx