Advise really conflicted thank you

[Liliatori]

I am 27 weeks pregnant with a baby girl due 9.2.21 it’s all very nerve racking/exciting time and I am so excited to meet her. I am going to be a single parent as my partner of three years split up with me the day before I found out I was pregnant. Our relationship was great I loved/love him completely yet when lockdown happened everything just went horribly wrong. He was very argumentative, wouldn’t leave his bed, expected me to work long hours (I’m a key worker my job is very busy even more so as a result of the pandemic) then come home & cook for him. It was very tiring I would make jokes about him sleeping all day stuff like his majesty is joining us and send memes of sleeping granddad’s etc he said this was abusive. I stopped of course but his behaviour didn’t improve it just escalated until he ended our relationship.

Anyways after I found out I was pregnant he applied a lot of pressure on me to terminate the pregnancy. He said that he would crash my car to cause me to miscarry and that he would take the baby once the baby was born and kill the baby & himself. He said that if I terminated the pregnancy he would resume a relationship with me toying with my love for him. He said that I was a horrible person. Implied that I was incapable of being a mother because I have mild autism and am a victim of physical, emotional & sexual abuse as a result of a terrible relationship with an ex partner. He compared me to my ex partner which made me feel very low & said that he hated me. During this period I just felt lost and was kind to him or ignored him but it was making me feel very low. After experiencing suicidal thoughts my midwife asked me to block contact with him to help improve my mental health which it did.

Fast forward to the current date I am feeling very overwhelmed about the birth as a result of sexual abuse suffered. I am undergoing counselling and being assessed to see whether a c-section would be the best option for me as a result of abuse. My midwife has said that I need to have a trusted birth partner so I chose my mum who is my rock. However my ex has requested to be present and as we’re in a pandemic I can only have one birth partner so feel really conflicted. I still despite everything love my ex and we have been getting along as friends for the past month. But we haven’t met up in person it’s just been phone calls/texts and even though he has been kind if I disagree with him about something even if it’s minor or ask for a further explanation as sometimes during learning difficulties I don’t understand he becomes horrible starts swearing and says he hates me. He does always apologise afterwards but I don’t feel comfortable with him as a result. I spoke to my mum, dad & midwife who have said that just because he wants to be there doesn’t mean he has a right and I need to do what’s best for me. My midwife is concerned that I am vulnerable and if I don’t have a trusted birth partner it’ll cause more stress at the birth which won’t be good for me or the baby. But at the same time I feel bad as it’s his first child and I don’t want to deprive him especially as hospital restrictions are strict during the pandemic. It’s just I’m so scared of giving birth and I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t know if I should take my midwife/family advise or let him be my birth partner?

Thank you for your help & please be kind

I'm glad you've decided on your mum @Liliatori.

And if he kicks up a fuss just remember why we have birth partners. Back in the day there was no concept of a 'birth partner' and the only people at the birth would be midwives and other medical staff. But giving birth can sometimes be painful or frightening and always very emotionally and physically intense. Women often have a better experience if they are supported through birth by someone they know and trust who is there to support them emotionally and advocate for them.

Birth partners are NOT there because they would like to watch. They are not there because they have any right to be there. They are not there because they have a genetic relationship with the baby. They are ONLY there for one single reason - to support the woman giving birth. If they are not the best person to support you in labour then they should not be there at all.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Definitely have your Mum as your birth partner. That is what is best for you and will help you have a better birth. He has no right to be at the birth. He sounds horrible - I would think carefully whether you want him to be a part of your daughter's life at all.

@Namechangedforthisoct2 thank you! Honestly I think it’s because normally I just agree to things this is the first time that I’ve said no so it feels weird.

@Haffdonga thank you for further response and this is so true having a birth partner is a relatively new concept really and was introduced to support the mother not anything to do with denying anyone of any experience or whatever. I definitely want my mum there so I’m going to stick to my guns & have mum!

@AegonT thank you I’m definitely going to have my mum!

[quote Liliatori]@Namechangedforthisoct2 thank you! Honestly I think it’s because normally I just agree to things this is the first time that I’ve said no so it feels weird.

@Haffdonga thank you for further response and this is so true having a birth partner is a relatively new concept really and was introduced to support the mother not anything to do with denying anyone of any experience or whatever. I definitely want my mum there so I’m going to stick to my guns & have mum!

@AegonT thank you I’m definitely going to have my mum![/quote]
Yes, and before there were hospitals, a woman would be attended by her female relatives and neighbours, and perhaps a midwife. No men! Now, I'm not generally one to idealise childbirth in ye olde days (I much prefer the modern ways!), but keep in mind that men at the birth is a very new thing in human history, and (as others have said) is there to allow them to support the mother, not see the show! Very best of luck to you. This is a dangerous, horrible man. It's not your responsibility to fulfill his wishes. Protect your child.