Basically can't stop crying. Was up till 2.30 this morning and am up again now. Last week i was just feeling so relieved that it was all nearly over, but now the reality of plans going up shit creek is setting in.
I had DS at 37+6 and was very lucky with an easy labour, really. I'm now 40+11 and was planning a home birth. I'd like to say I was realistic about HB and always felt that I would make my decision on whether to stay home or go in to hospital when the time came and I was actually in labour.
however, I have been feeling quite reticent about my decision to have the baby at home, and have been unable to shake an unnerving feeling that I will never have baby home alive. Whenever I mention this to the people closest to me about my uncertainties over home birth I've found they quickly get brushed off, with DP especially, who was anti home birth to begin with became very pro the idea.
The other thing in my mind is whether feeling worried about the birth has actually stopped me going into labour. I'm worried too that the fact the baby hasn't arrived yet means there is a problem with the baby - a friend who recently gave birth late has a baby with brain damage which is obviously playing on my mind.
My other big worry is coping with what threatens to become a very different second birth. Everyone tells you how second births are easier, and yet from the literature I've been given it doesn't sound like it is going to be the case! I gave birth to DS with G & A on all fours in a midwife led unit. Now I'm told I'm likely to need an epidural, which I have to admit to having been snobby about before. I see them being used at work, (in a different field) - I know they work fabulously, they are brilliant things. And yet having seen dozens being put in, they make my skin crawl still.
I'm also worried about DS, SIL has been fab and has said she will have DS for us, but she is not keen to have him overnight as the two boys play up together. His parents are away and anyway DP not keen for them to have DS. My mum lives 90 mins away and is working so unable to help. So the fact that I feel we are causing a problem if I have a long labour is playing on my mind. Then there is the whole thing about the possibility of it being cancelled for Monday!
Lastly I feel like my body has let everybody down, really. Mu mum who would have loved to be there won't be able to come up for a week which is upsetting her, DP's just changed jobs and found it hard to really get started there because I've been due a baby. I felt by having a HB the disruption to my 2yr old would be minimised and that having this new sibling (probably) thrust upon him would be easier. In both DP and my mind the ideal scenario would be he woke up in his own bed to come down to find new baby.
On the other hand I could postpone induction if I wanted, and yet my anxiety over whether baby is well or not means I am also desperate to give birth. My local hospital recommends induction between 10-14 days - so Monday will be exactly half way and I feel I have given natural birth a more than fair chance.
Was kind of hoping that having written all these thoughts down I would begin to feel better. Not happening so far!