Elective c-section worries- no childcare for toddler. What to do?

[titnomatani]

Due to complications in my last pregnancy and my current one, I've been booked in for an elective c-section at 38 weeks (currently 35 weeks). I feel so upset and am struggling to calm myself down. I have a 15 month toddler and he is solidly attached to me- at all times. He absolutely loves my husband (his dad) but will cry for ages if he's away from me during meal/sleep times, etc. My husband was a star during the birth of my firstborn but won't be with me for the birth of our second child as I'd rather he was looking after the toddler.

We don't have anyone to ask for help with childcare as my husband is on civil terms with his toxic family (who live 20 mins away- my MIL is the only person from a huge family to have made the effort to see our toddler when he was born- after the third visit, she didn't return or ask about the baby again) and I've written loafs about my own let down of a family (who live 200+ miles away). I have some lovely mum friends but my toddler is difficult for others to manage and as mentioned, only wants me so I don't want to put these friends out by asking them to help out (even though a few have offered). They also have their own toddlers and I don't want to disrupt their routines. I'm not worried about being taken care of after my surgery, I'm worried about the day of surgery and the 2/3 nights I'll be kept in and how my toddler will cope.

So, I wanted to ask, has anyone ever had a c-section on their own? How did you manage childcare of your older children? How should I organise my own section so as to provide as little disruption to my toddler as possible? I'm so upset and ever since my appointment this morning, I've been in floods of tears every time I think of my toddler being left alone with my husband- he will refuse to eat and nap/sleep :'( and how alone I'll be during surgery.

So far, the plan is for my husband to book a hotel room near the hospital (we're almost an hour away) and to take our toddler back there to rest instead of driving him back home and then back to the hospital to see me again. Also, so that both will be local if my toddler needs me. Can anyone suggest anything else I can do?

If your friends have offered take them up on it. Now is not the time to accept help not refuse it.
Hope it all goes well for you

I agree to accept the help, for the actual surgery at least

You'll be in hospital for one night (assuming no complications). I think keeping your toddler at home is sensible, familiar territory to slightly offset not having mum around. Then when you get home, absolutely take your friends up on help - they can handle looking after 2 toddlers for an hour while you and husband rest, even if it's in your living room rather than a park. Your toddler will be fine without you for 48 hours, I promise.

Is there any chance a friend could have your toddler for the hour or two of your actual surgery and then your dh picks him up and takes him home? What's he like in the buggy? Would he be okay being pushed around (all wrapped up).

My second was an emcs but I only stayed one night so I think assuming no complications you could probably be discharged pretty quickly.

Your toddler is going to have to get used to your time/attention being split between him and the new baby. Could your dh start doing more with him now/you doing less so he doesn't associate the new baby with the change and react negatively.

If you would rather your dh stayed with your toddler all the time, what about asking a friend to be your birth partner? That way your dh could just stay at home with your ds, less change/moving around for him and you aren't on your own. Have you had a c-section before?

Yes to what pp suggested - friend could take toddler for an hour or two. Distract with a film or games, take to a soft play or playground. Feels unfair that your DH should miss the birth of DC. Or could you get him used to a nanny/childminder? You still have three weeks.

And yes your toddler will have to get used to you not always being around anymore as baby will need you too.
I wouldn’t do the C section alone also in case of any complications.

I had my dc abroad and partners weren't allowed in theatre or recovery so to me the doing it alone part is a non issue. However it would be good to take your friends up on the offer so your partner can spend a little time just you and the baby. Personally I'd forget the hotel room idea, surely dc will be far more unsettled in a strange environment? As said you likely won't be in more than a day or 2 so it's not loads if driving.

Absolutely take up offers of help.

Your toddler will have lots of fun with his toddler friends whilst you and DH welcome your new addition!

Agree with pp. What was your plan before a c section was decided? As i would have thought you going into labour and not knowing when or how long, plus needing support from DH would have been more unsettling

I would honestly just take up friends offer to have him. Yes it might not be what he likes, but its just what needs to happen.

If you have c section and god forbid any issues with you or baby, you are going to want DH to be with you. I know If I was taken ill during surgery, I wouldn't want new baby left alone, so would want Dh to go immediatley and be with baby.

Take friend up on offer. Give them travel cot and any bits he needs to help sleep. Drop some snacks around with him you know he likes, for him and friends children. Worse case, the friend has a night of less sleep than usual, no harm done. Pay them after in wine and offer to also have their children whenever similar circumstances pop up for them

Surely the cs makes childcare easier. A vb could start at some late hour and potentially go for days. Dc wouldn't be able to be with you for the labour so it's the same situation.

Also your toddler will cope a lot better when you are not there, take your friends up on the offer even if it is only for the surgery. I'm in two minds about the hotel, the change might be too much but saying that mine would have liked sleeping in the same room and having TV on in bed.
Best tip is to get your toddler to get used to stepping on a stool for a cuddle, I found this invaluable as I couldn't pick toddler up.

If a friend wants to help but can't do the childcare, maybe they could accompany you in the op while your DH stays at home. I've had a cs and it was pretty easy, so (in retrospect) I would have been fine with a friend or sister supporting me if DH couldn't.

Although I also think you should start working on your baby being left with others. Sounds like you have a lovely bond but a 15 month being "solidly attached" to you to the point where they can't be fed a meal by their own father is a bit of a problem.

Thanks all- lots to think about. My reservations of leaving toddler with friends- I've not known them very long and although I've been vocal about how strong willed my son is, etc. they don't see the extent of it because I can usually manage him when I'm out and about with them. To give you an example, when we're all out, they can have their toddlers sitting in their pushchairs, high chairs, laps, etc. I'm the mum following the toddler that's running about and is up, under, behind anything and everything. I don't want them to struggle with him (they will) and then label him within the group as 'that child' 😭

I totally agree about it not being healthy for him to be solely attached to me for EVERYTHING but he is and I've had to go with it. As mentioned, no family support so me and my husband have been the only constants in my toddlers life so far. My husband does a lot with my son but he only wants me when it comes to most things :/

Sorry not able to address each poster (my memory is pants and even more so now) but my first labour ended up being an EMCS so I'm familiar with the process of having a caesarean- my concerns were that the hospital I'm booked in with states that I'd have to come in at 7:30am on the morning of the surgery and they won't let me leave for at least 48 hours afterwards- all good as they need to make sure I'm okay BUT my son is going to be distraught without me. Like really, really distraught. My husband is trying to convince me that he's a different child when he's with him but I've seen my husband panic when I'm around because he hasn't known what to do when our son has had one of his meltdowns and only wants me.

I'm thinking of scrapping the hotel idea for now and having my son and husband at the hospital so although my husband won't be with me, he'll be in the building if he's needed for an emergency or whatever? If the hospital want me in for 7:30am then surely baby will follow soon after?

In terms of what I'd planned as an alternative re: childcare months ago- I hadn't. I went into denial and thought I'd deal with things closer to the time and then didn't. Hence the panic and upset now 🙈

I've even toyed with the idea of begging a sibling to attend but the thought of grovelling, confirming things with them 10000000000 times and then a million times again, paying their expenses, etc. and them not turning up on the day leaves me feeling cold with panic, fear and anxiety. And of course getting the eventual blame why they didn't turn up just isn't worth it. My ILs absolutely hate me (given up trying to ascertain why!) so I have no hope in enlisting their help. I could potentially get a friend to be at the hospital with my husband so he can temporarily leave my toddler with them while he attends the birth but I'd need to pluck up the courage to ask them. I'm so bad at asking for help. Only because I've been let down so many times :/

You need paid childcare for the day of the section. What you are planning is just about workable if everything goes entirely to plan. But it might not, and having the knowledge that your wife and baby are in hospital and you are in a hotel room with your toddler would be unbearable for your dh. You will be divided between two children from now on and need to be fair to them both. I know it's hard to imagine your toddler will cope (or learn to cope) with less of you but he will, and he gets the advantage (more or less!) of a lovely sibling.!

I was in from 8.30 for my last elcsection and had the baby at 4.30. They will take any emergency sections before you.

What is your son going to do for 48 hours in hospital?? I don’t see that really working tbh.

@milienhaus- he'll be with my husband who'll have planned things my toddler likes doing- my biggest concern though is my son refuses to nap/sleep without me and will cry for hours. I feel so sh*t knowing I won't be there to soothe or settle him.

@Hohonoshow - I hadn't even thought of that but it makes sense. I suppose what I really need to do is have a proper chat with the hospital team who'll book me in for whichever date they've got availability on and share my concerns.

@Hohonoshow- that was re: day/timings of surgery.

How your toddler acts when you are around and your husband tries to do things with him may well be totally different to how he acts when you aren't there at all. I wouldn't judge how he will cope by the behaviour you witness. How about going out on your own this weekend for three or four hours and trust your husband's judgement as to how he gets on? It may well be fine which would really put your mind at rest.

An elective is probably going to be quite different to a EMCS. I've had three electives. Each time the date was changed a week before. Each time it was brought forward a day. Each time the time of the elective changed on the day, to accommodate emergencies. My 1pm slot ended up being an evening birth (7pm). I am easy going by nature and not easily bothered by things and I've also had a few operations. But I am so glad that I had my dh next to me when I was wide awake and being cut open. You won't be exhausted and desperate for it to be sorted. You may have been waiting without food or water for a long time. You may be sent home and told to return the next day. One of my electives took well over an hour to deliver. They had problems cutting through the adhesions from the first elective. One baby didn't cry for a long time and needed resus. I was in surgery but could hear everything but could see nothing. There are so many reasons why you may need a trusted person next to you. I hope all happens as planned and is really easy for you. But emotionally you may be more vulnerable on the operating table than you realise. You dc may well enjoy the novelty of a friend caring for him and be on his best behaviour. Why not ask a few baby friends to share the responsibility between them? One of my dcs used to really struggle to be apart from me for even a few minutes and friends still recall it. It doesn't change how fantastic he is nor all the positives they see in him. When you have given so much to a toddler it can be really hard to see what other options there might be. But for the odd day, for such an important event, it's worth the risk. I'd really consider asking friends to share him between them. Or ask a close friend to be with you for the elective. Congratulations on the baby.

If the hospital want me in for 7:30am then surely baby will follow soon after?

Not necessarily. My friend was told 10am for hers, her ds was born at 5.30 pm due to emergencies.
With my elective which I had booked, I was told 7.30 am. I went into labour before hand but if I hadn't, they had to rejig the list and I would have been delayed until after two ladies who were classed as more high risk than me. In our hospital at least, they tell everyone the same time and just have you sitting around on the ward until they are ready for you.

At your pre-op ask where you are on the list. Are you in the UK? It might be worth asking if the 48 hour discharge is set in stone because here it's 24 hours as standard.

Virtually all the 15 month olds I know behave like yours. My 18 month old only wants to sit still when she's feeling cuddly, eating or if I'm cuddling her big brother. I would at least talk to your friends. It might be that how their children present when say bribed with food (works a treat on mine) is creating a bit of false impression.

I'm not sure I'd want to be juggling my 18 month old in a maternity hospital for x number of hours. Surely that's going to be harder for your husband and ds than saying being at home/soft play etc would be as there are limited numbers of places to go/things to do. Plus if there is an emergency then what happens to ds?