Elective c-section worries- no childcare for toddler. What to do?

[titnomatani]

Due to complications in my last pregnancy and my current one, I've been booked in for an elective c-section at 38 weeks (currently 35 weeks). I feel so upset and am struggling to calm myself down. I have a 15 month toddler and he is solidly attached to me- at all times. He absolutely loves my husband (his dad) but will cry for ages if he's away from me during meal/sleep times, etc. My husband was a star during the birth of my firstborn but won't be with me for the birth of our second child as I'd rather he was looking after the toddler.

We don't have anyone to ask for help with childcare as my husband is on civil terms with his toxic family (who live 20 mins away- my MIL is the only person from a huge family to have made the effort to see our toddler when he was born- after the third visit, she didn't return or ask about the baby again) and I've written loafs about my own let down of a family (who live 200+ miles away). I have some lovely mum friends but my toddler is difficult for others to manage and as mentioned, only wants me so I don't want to put these friends out by asking them to help out (even though a few have offered). They also have their own toddlers and I don't want to disrupt their routines. I'm not worried about being taken care of after my surgery, I'm worried about the day of surgery and the 2/3 nights I'll be kept in and how my toddler will cope.

So, I wanted to ask, has anyone ever had a c-section on their own? How did you manage childcare of your older children? How should I organise my own section so as to provide as little disruption to my toddler as possible? I'm so upset and ever since my appointment this morning, I've been in floods of tears every time I think of my toddler being left alone with my husband- he will refuse to eat and nap/sleep :'( and how alone I'll be during surgery.

So far, the plan is for my husband to book a hotel room near the hospital (we're almost an hour away) and to take our toddler back there to rest instead of driving him back home and then back to the hospital to see me again. Also, so that both will be local if my toddler needs me. Can anyone suggest anything else I can do?

I would have someone watch toddler for the morning of the surgery. Even if things are delayed, your DH will probably get to be there to support you, cuddle newborn, and then go retrieve toddler after 5-6 hours. My own was a challenge too, but anyone with any parenting experience can manage for 5-6 hours.

I would start now trying to get your son used to being away from you a bit. If funds allow, I'd look for a nanny who he and you can work quickly to build a relationship with. Take all the offers of help! It will all be fine, but I completely agree with others - your dh, or someone, needs to be with you. Good luck op x

I think you should by all means share your anxieties with the hospital but I'm not sure what you expect them to do to support you. The upheaval to your toddler's life is about to be far greater than the few days you are in hospital for. Why don't you start now to get your dh to spend time alone with the little boy.
I do feel sorry for your dh to not be able to see his new baby being born. Something I would hate not to have shared with mine tbh.

To be honest, I'm not that worried about how things'll work out post-surgery re: dividing time between the children, etc. (Famous last words?)- it's just the day of birth I don't know how to deal with.

You can't have a toddler hanging around a hospital indefinitely, especially one that you say won't sit still for 2 seconds or be distracted by a screen for 5 minutes. Being close to you but not allowed with you will be more distressing too tbh. He will be far better out doing things away from the hospital I think you're over worrying.
Sharing your concerns is fine but there isn't really anything the hospital can do. Ideally a friend to look after dc and your husband with you but failing that ask someone to be with you and your husband keep dc at home. Baby could come at any time, all the days sections will be brought in st the same time and will be worked through with possible emergencies jumping the queue

So this is what I did for my second (my first was emergency and we were told it had to be planned for any future pregnancy).

We had the toddler go for a play date at a friend's house. We did a practise run for an hour or so in the weeks leading up to this too so it wasn't a shock. She knew she would get to do all the things we can't at home so looked forward to it but wasn't too upsetting.

After I came out of surgery the husband collected the toddler to take home. Next day they went to town to go by a present for the baby and do something special then came to the hospital to visit her brother and exchange presents (he had something for her too).

She got to go home and play with her new toy. Next day she has another shorter play date while I got collected from the hospital (we don't drive).

I was worried but it is possible without family about. Just be open and talk to your friends. Maybe you could ask for a big party of them to come together so it feels more like a party to celebrate baby so toddler won't miss you.

I think you need to start trusting your partner. All kids can be clingy but you cant let that dictate your life. I'm sure he can look after him whilst your giving birth and having surgery. Your son will have naps and eat even if he causes a fuss first. I would maybe let your toddler spend more one on one time with others if hes clingy becouse he has to get used to not always having you. Your going to be very busy with your newborn and hes going to have to spend time with his dad. My daughter is a total daddy's girl I dont change my life to make sure she gets naps or eats just becouse shes better with her dad. She either naps or she dosnt or she eats or she dosnt harsh but otherwise they get their own way and it makes things harder if they wont nap without the parent they want.

I'm sorry but this may be cruel but it's to be kind.
Your toddler will be fine without you. His dad is more than capable of managing him and when the toddler realises that his tantrums are not going to make you come running (which it sounds like from your posts is what is happening atm) he will be fine. Toddlers are not stupid, he has worked out how to get what he wants and how he acts when he knows you are around does not mean that's how he acts when you are not. Plus you really need to start dealing with this now as when baby arrives he will have to share/wait/come second.
You can not have a toddler at the hospital. If something did go wrong your dh wouldn't be able to help you anyway, this is not workable. I think you either need to pay for childcare or find a friend/doula for the birth.

Leave your DC with your friends. He is going to be fine without you. Listen to what your DH is telling you when he says he is a different child when you are not there because it is the truth. He will be fine with other people and without you there. You may find others can manage his behaviour just fine. I'm also going to sound harsh, but as others have pointed out, your DC is going to have to learn that he has to not always come first now.

I worked full time when I was pregnant with DS2, so we kept DS1 in the childminder full time for 4 weeks before and 4 weeks after I had his brother. He was with the childminder they day I had DS2 and then my parents picked him up and took him home until DH got home that night. IME, you need help and support with two young children (I had a two year age gap) in the early days, especially after having a c-section. If you don't have friends or family to do it, start looking now for paid help.

The thing is even if he’s not fine with your friends they will put it down to the fact a new baby is arriving.. he won’t be labelled as the naughty child so to speak.
Take them up on the offer, he will surprise you and be as good as gold I bet.

It will also prepare him for when the baby comes as realistically he won’t be able to be attached to you all the time as babies take time up, feeding nappies you’re recovery from a c section - as you won’t be able to lift him up for a while.
Relax and use your friends, it’s what they are there for.

He's going to be miserable stuck in a hospital for 2 days in corridors, walked outside maybe and having to be kept quiet.

No friend will honestly care what he is like at theirs. They know he will be missing people, but its life for a bit. He will have space there to play with toys, watch tv, eat tasty food, make a noise, get taken to park if nice. You can get him there first thing in the morning, and arrange that either Dh will collect him in the evening overnight if baby arrived on time, or they keep him overnight depending on how long you wait until surgery etc.. they can just play it by ear. No friend is going to see him as the devil child forever more at age 1.

What will you do if say your taken ill, and baby in special care until? Would you rather eldest was left with friends and your DH is immediately with baby. Or that DH is with eldest in the corridor and New baby alone? As they def won't let a 1 year old not a patient into intensive care.

This is simply a case of you needing to prioritise your needs above your child’s.

I may be on my own in thinking this, but a few days of your toddler being upset without you is not going to kill him or do any permanent damage.

I would pay for childcare for the day of the section, then let your husband take over for the rest of your stay in hospital.

Yes, he might scream and shout, yes he might not eat well, yes he may feel cross. But it won’t do him any actual harm. And there’s a good chance he will cope just fine.

You, however, need your husband with you and he will want to be there for the birth of his child and in case of an emergency.

He will be upset but he will not remember it after about 12 hours. Don’t feel guilty.

I really don't think planning to have your toddler hanging around in a hospital is a good idea. DD is generally well behaved and easily entertained and will sit still for long periods and I still think this would be stressful for me and unfair on DD. Also, I really wouldn't want my toddler roaming hospital corridors and using toilets/changing tables during norovirus season when it's really not necessary...

You're lucky to have had offers of help from friends. Accept these! I had a friend from my Antenatal group look after DD at 12m old (so I'd only know this woman for 14m). Your friends will cope even if it's hard work.

Let go of the idea that your toddler can't possibly cope without you. Separation is difficult but with toddlers, once they're occupied it can soon move to being a case of 'out of sight out of mind'. If that's really not acceptable to you then DH stays at home with toddler and you get on with the c section safe in the knowledge that your toddler is being looked after at home.

I had a planned section for my second when my first was 11 months. I didn’t want to involve family as the baby had a high chance of not surviving and I knew they wouldn’t be helpful to me if we lost him (he was 100% fine).
We paid a babysitter for the morning who then brought big sister to the hospital. My OH only needed to be involved for two hours. You just have to ring the bell for a nurse whenever you need help and avoid being polite and not asking.

My husband is trying to convince me that he's a different child when he's with him but I've seen my husband panic when I'm around because he hasn't known what to do when our son has had one of his meltdowns and only wants me.

You’re being a bit of a martyr about this. He probably is a different child when you’re around because they know you just won’t come running. You are not even giving your husband the chance of looking after his own child under normal circumstances. because you are so convinced he will do it badly. You have friends who have volunteered to have your child for you so you don’t have to be alone and you’ve said no. Honestly, you are making life far far harder here than it needs to be.

Accept your friends offer, go out and leave him to get used to you not being there. You simply cannot go to him at the drop of a hat every time when you have 2 anyway. Have your baby and then leave him a bit.

I don't remember who but a wise woman once told me "they're always worst for their mums" (in relation I think to my toddler getting so upset when I took him to nursery, but running in cheerily when his cm took him).

For my planned section we were told to be at hospital for 645am so were 6 other people. They didn't tell us the order people were to be taken . I was last and baby didn't come out till 3:30pm. Unless u are having twins or a type 1 diabetic you will not be going first.

I agree with the above OP, lots of us are giving you advice having been through similar before.

Toddlers are often not as well behaved for their mums (or primary carer). Mainly because they know they are safe with you so they can push the boundaries a little to learn how you react.

Your toddler will be absolutely fine with your DH. Or a friend. It will make your life much easier with two if you can get them used to small amounts of time away from you.

Can you afford to enlist the help of a doula/mother's helper to be with you at the hospital and in the days after?