Am I being rude/selfish?

[Lxx16]

Apologies, this may be a long one.

I am currently expecting my first and due in January. I have discussed a slight birthing plan with my OH and we have agreed that it will just be me and him at the hospital. I'm low risk and have an amazing midwife who is a friend and will be delivering our baby (if she isn't delivering another at that moment in time!)
I have just found out his family (mum, stepdad, dad and stepmum) are expecting to be there too. Having spoken to my own mum, she fully respects my wishes and understands why I don't want a fuss at the hospital.
I'm not touchy feely, I don't deal well with fuss and attention and I also have slight pre-natal depression.

I have said they are more than welcome to our home once we get there but I don't want anyone at the hospital. My OH agrees but hasn't got the balls to tell them yet. My fear is, it will be too late.

Am I being selfish by taking this experience away from them too? Did you want your in laws at the birth?! Thanks xx

You're not selfish at all. It's the birth of your baby not a stage show. I had a planned c section so we had DPs and PIL the same afternoon and I really regret it. DD was very unwell and rushed to special care, I was bleeding everywhere and couldn't really move either. It was awful. The whole time I was basically being left to host from my hospital bed whilst others argued about who should be able to go into special care to see baby (I hadnt actually been allowed to go in yet). People presume all will be well and they'll come in the second you give birth to find you camera ready, snuggling baby in a blanket, maybe a light breeze, warm spring day etc. The reality is birth is complex and about mum and baby. I would also be concerned that OH will be expected to dash out to give constant feedback. Just no. Stick to your guns.

Jesus no absolutely not! DH will be with me at the hospital and no one else! he joked about his mother wanting to be there, I ‘joked’ if she turns up I will kick her in the fanny.

Tell the midwife to write on your notes that you only want dh at hospital. All other visitors are to wait in a cafe in the nearby town. !!!
Your body , your choice

His stepdad wants to be there for the birth!? Or do you mean they want to visit in hospital after the birth?

Obviously having 5 family members during the birth is ridiculous. Most hospitals allow max 2 birth partners anyway, and I cant believe your in laws and step in laws really want to watch you giving birth.

However I wouldnt rule out having them to visit after. You might feel fine and be keen to see them shortly after the birth. You might have complications and be kept in for a week, so be glad of the company. It's hard to make a decision beforehand so just keep your options open. "I dont know how we will feel about visitors so I'll have to let you know when the time comes"

No. Don't tell them when you go into labour. It's birth, not a theatre show.

If you think they'll turn up at the hospital, I'd only tell them the baby has arrived when you're ready for visitors.

I agree don't tell them when you go into labour. I wouldn't want a hoard of people hanging around the hospital waiting for the baby being born.

With my first I had my mum and partner in, my in-laws and dad visited once I was on the ward. Everyone else visited once I was home. My other two births were just me and partner, nobody visited until we got home.

Your body, your baby you make the rules.

They won't even be allowed in the delivery suite!
this would be my conversation with them.
"When I go into labour would you like a quick text, even if it's the middle of the night, or just a phone call when baby arrives? Obviously DH will be very busy supporting me so I don't expect he will be able to update you as the labour proceeds. We will let you know when you can visit the baby after its born, as we won't know when I'll be up to visitors. So that might be at the hospital but will most likely be at home. We will let you know."
Just be very clear. Christ, I didn't even want my DH in with me when I was in labour 🤣 Let alone a whole tribe of random people!

Thank you everyone, I spent most of the night tossing and turning playing it over in my mind how to politely say you're not invited.

@beanbag7 not necessarily for the birth itself but his dad/stepmum live an hour and half away and his mum/stepdad 40 mins from the hospital and the impression I got is that they will be travelling in as soon as they hear to wait!

I did think about not saying anything about when I go into labour and that is still a very good choice not to do so.

Like I said, I have no issues as soon as we are home but I don't want to be 'on show' and have to entertain after just giving birth. If there are no complications I want to cherish the moments with my OH and our son xx

They shouldn’t have put you in the position to be even thinking and worrying about it. I would think it’s common sense to give people their space at this delicate time but from posts on here a lot of in laws etc seem to think otherwise.

Just tell him coach trips to xx hospital are cancelled..
Ask if he would be happy sitting flashing his genitals at your entire family...

They are rude, not you.
A whole human being went through my vagina too, 3 times, so I have here some experience. It's mostly done in a hospital for a reason. People don't ask to observe hip replacement for example.
First time, I didn't let anyone know I am in labor. Second and thirty time only a person (neighbour, not family) who was taking care of my kids knew. Only after we left hospital we informed people and asked them to wait a bit before visiting. I worried more about peeing and pooing after stitches, about sleep and about sleep. And about sleep. And baby jaundice.
It's only about you and baby.

If your OH agrees with you, but hasn't got the balls to tell them, then the coward's way out is to tell them that you will tell them when you go into hospital, but.... Don't. Contact them when you get home instead. If they're rude about it, hang up on them until they calm down.

Alternatively, your OH could approach this (setting a boundary on behalf of child and mother-of-child) as his second task of fatherhood.

As for "selfish", this is a major medical event for you and baby, not a trip to Alton Towers.

I'm assuming they think they'll be in the waiting room. My local hospital don't have room for that. You could wait in the general waiting area/canteen if it was open. There are always seats in the main waiting area of the hospital but you won't feel like you're there at all.

Quite strange imo. Just don't tell them when it starts.

You're bot being rude at all. Just tell them, you don't want any visitors at the hospital. Tell the ward that you don't want any visitors, then they won't be let in even if they do turn up.

Don't even tell them you've gone into labour if you don't want

The birth isn't about anyone besides you and the baby.

Your OH really needs to step up, he needs to be your advocate when you're so vulnerable and not worry about hurting his family when they are the ones being intrusive.

Nobody, apart from the people looking after my other dc, knew I was in labour, or even had the baby for a day or 2 afterwards, I loved that time of just me and baby getting to know each other.

Just make sure you do a few dry runs of not being in touch for a day or 2 so it's not unusual behaviour when you do go into labour

What a strange request - I'm due in a few weeks and am definitely feeling more like a baby carrier at the minute than an actual person in my own right due to some similar asks from family.

It's so bizarre that people think it's ok to impose like this - we already have family creating a timetable for visiting after the baby is born and who gets to cuddle first etc. It's lovely that they are excited but it's still in my stomach at the minute and I'm not exactly looking forward to getting it out so everyone backing off a bit would be appreciated!

As it's your OHs family he really needs to step up, have the conversation and protect you. It's lovely they want to be involved but you need to let them know your boundaries otherwise they will get carried away!

Just tell them you’ll likely be home the next day so they’d be better coming to yours where you can all get comfortable not cramped round a bed with one chair.. and that you could easily not be on the ward/giving birth until silly o’clock so best not to plan ahead.

We had ds at 5pm, were only allowed two in recovery (which I had dm and dp as dp has medical anxiety and I’d rather he didn’t vomit and faint if I’d needed a csection) I didn’t get out of recovery until almost midnight once a space was ready so I wouldn’t have been allowed a single person (they’d already gone home too while I’d waited) the next day I did let visitors in but I was up, showered and pacing waiting on being discharged. So visitors came after ds had his check up and hearing test, they were just family who lived closer to the hospital than our house, my dm/DF/dgm and best friend who had offered to sit with me at any point during the induction to give dp a break (lives literally 5 minutes from the hospital so he could’ve went there for a shower/sleep if I’d been long)

@ELM8 Exactly this!! They have already discussed day trips out with baby, activities they will be doing, what they will be wearing etc. It's app too much!! I think this is where some of my insecurities are coming from. That I clearly won't be able to step up and I have not enjoyed pregnancy at all.

I've got a 'window' to give birth in too due to them having booked holidays and they've even talked about cancelling them. I'm so overwhelmed by it all!

Yet my own mum has just let me plod on, doesn't question my decisions and honestly has been amazing. She went through a similar thing with her in laws turning up on the doorstep at 7.30am every morning before she started to refuse to let them in. Xx

They are selfish for expecting they get to be there

Id be mentioning that only dh is allowed.
I wouldn't make any announcement when labour starts

But if they start to camp out near the due date id be saying no, go home, no one at hospital. Don't push me on this, you won't like the consequences.
If they chose to not respect my wishes, I'd cut contact. That simple

I totally agree it’s not selfish and i wouldn’t want them around either. When I had my first my partner phoned his mum dad and sister to say she was born and they turned up within the hour, I was still in the delivery room, had just had a few stitches and wanted a shower. To which is mum and sister thought they should help me with! I didn’t need or want help. And the whole thing was spoilt, a first time mum at the time trying to get a baby to latch and everything else it just wasn’t fair. For the second 2 I made it clear we were having no visitors. As it was they were born early morning and we went home shortly after so not an issue.
For this baby they are 350 miles away so I don’t have to worry and my own family are on babysitting duties 😂.

No way would I have that. For some people being in someone's labour room is like a weird performance show, that people expect to be invited too . You can tell your midwife to not allow any visitors at all, I would do the same. My friend had a baby recently and some woman who my friend vaguely knew from school days, turned up and sat in the room and watched and tried to hold the baby. My friend was so out of it she didn't tell her to go and everyone assumed she wanted her there. So weird

Honestly op I'm on my third baby now my first two I had my mum there who turned up pissed as a fart we had a row and it was just horrible, my second she came again followed by my Nan my dad and my granddad , this time my grandparents are having the two kids and it will just be me and my partner and I won't be telling anyone I've had him until I'm ready.
I hated the fact also when everyone wanted to see the baby I had to be up making tea and sandwiches for everyone as my partner was at work. I just wanted my bed.

You are not selfish and there is no 'experience' that you are taking away from them. This is about you and your baby, not a fun day out for the family.

Baby will still be beautiful and cuddly and new after a few days!

For me the best option is DH putting his foot down now and setting some boundaries, sounds like this will be good practice for the coming months if his family are already frothing at the mouth for day trips!
If he really can't, then just don't tell anyone till baby is here. Do they really think they can grab a coffee and hang out in the waiting room while you pop a baby out in an hour or so? You might have a long labour and like PP have mentioned things don't always go to plan - you or baby might need a bit of extra help and time to recover depending on the birth.

Also sod being given a window to give birth in for everyone's convenience - baby comes when baby is ready. If you are in touch with all these people via WhatsApp or similar I would take a big step back and let your husband deal with them. You need to keep your mental health in as best shape as you can.