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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Do hospitals routinely ask the father to leave shortly after birth?

55 replies

nangnangnang · 13/08/2007 14:27

I gave birth to DS at 3.30 in the morning. At 4.30 the three of us made our way back to the maternity ward and, shortly after, my DP was asked to leave (in spite of posters everywhere saying partners had unfettered visiting rights). There was one other woman in the ward but she was awake and texting. Is this normal? Neither of us thought to question it at the time which I now regret.

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NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 15:31

Artist I'm so sorry Good on you for complained. No one should be treated like that.

I don't get this 'send the DP away so the woman can get some sleep' argument. I had been in labour for 48 hours so no sleep, then a very traumatic birth. I was unable to walk or do much for myself. Yet I was in a private room with DS by myself - HOW was I supposed to sleep when he needed attention, and when I was just utterly devastated at what had just happened to me?

I can understand that PN wards are busy places and there is not room for hundreds of noisy partners but surely a woman who has just given birth needs more support than the MW can give?

Original poster

nangnangnang · 13/08/2007 15:33

Artist - please don't apologise for hijacking! I'm just so sorry you and anchovies had such terrible experiences - it puts my minor whinge about my DP's ejection into perspective.

I really hope that your complaint brings you some sense of redress.

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 13/08/2007 15:34

nut - I agree, I had had an epidural so couldn't feel my legs, still had the cathtar in and all alone..

Just because I am a woman and can actually have the baby, it doesn't mean to say I know what to do with the baby once it had arrived!

Marina · 13/08/2007 15:38

SOH, I'm so sorry you had such an awful time I hope you get somewhere with your complaint. I had very mixed experiences of post-elective care too, some of it dire, but there were just enough lovely staff on the ward to stop it all going that wrong for me.
My two electives were both early morning so dh was able to stay with me all day. Our hospital had had an incident the previous week where a partner had thrown furniture, smashed partitions and assaulted staff, so they were 100% on the all out at 8pm "for your own safety" and when we heard why we stopped complaining. Not everyone's partner is there to be kind and unobtrusive, sadly and the rest of us lose those precious first hours together in consequence.

NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 15:38

muppetgirl I have just been having flashbacks of picking DS out of his cot beacuse he was crying, and carrying him 2 steps to the bed and my legs buckling What was I thinking? I could easily have dropped him. Thank God I didn't.

The MW told me I must be acting a bit pathetic because the eipdural would have worn off by then. Yes it had, but the nerve damage it caused hadn't and probably never will completely

expatinscotland · 13/08/2007 15:39

I had an epi that hadn't worn off and no catheter - forceps delivery.

My husband was told to leave at 7 and dd1 had been born at 4.05PM after 24 hour labour. I was also in a private room.

I had to pee and rang and rang because I still couldn't feel my legs properly.

No one came so I wound up crawling to the toilet myself because when I went to stand on my legs they folded out from under me.

I was also left all alone at night, no help whatsoever, couldn't bf dd or get help with that.

Needless to say, this did NOTHING to help my PND from hell.

I still have problems with it and still feel intense regret about how I felt about the birth and about dd after she was born.

Marina · 13/08/2007 15:39

About the only good thing about my c-sections was they were done under spinal, not epidural, nine

NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 15:41

Apparently I had both Marine but I don't understand the difference.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2007 15:42

Oh, and they put a drip in my arm at the time they did the epi, but no fluids until the S. African anaesthetist came in to max out the epi and took them to task because I was so dehydrated - it was June of the hottest summer on record in a notoriously hot summer.

So I felt like shit as well.

And I had an infection, too.

Such lovely memories of having a brand new baby.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2007 15:43

Spinal is faster acting, I've had major surgery under spinal, but the recovery I found the same between them both.

Marina · 13/08/2007 15:43

Spinal is a one off BIG injection, and wears off when it wears off, epidural they leave the needle in for top-up.
I don't know why it is that epidurals have more of a reputation for causing nerve damage though

hennipenni · 13/08/2007 15:44

DD1 was born t 11.15pm, got taken to the ward at 9 am, DH had a full length cast on as he'd fractured his leg 3 weeks ealier so was hobbling around on crutches. Bearing in mind that visiting time for partners was due to start only an hour later they insisted that he went home! He insisted that he sat in the ward as he'd have to get a lift/taxi home by which time he'd be ready to come back. They didn't back down so he "loitered" outside the ward until visiting time started.

crokky · 13/08/2007 15:46

Happened to me. If you want DH/DP to stay, you need to stay on the labour ward longer, rather than move to maternity (if only I'd known!).

I was in pieces and they threw my DH out. Same time of day.

I understand there are other women in maternity ward who don't want other fathers there, but they shouldn't transfer a woman who is not ready. Or they should put all the new arrivals in the same room etc. Something ought to be done about it.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2007 15:49

I had an epi once where the anaesthetist hit a blood vessel.

I didn't feel it, because of that numbing injection, but blood was flippin' everywhere.

I also got something called a 'spinal headache' from that one and it made me feel like hell.

Spinal was sssooooo fast!

NineUnlikelyTales · 13/08/2007 15:51

Thanks for the explanation. I've often wondered what the difference was.

I had better clarify that the epidural/spinal didn't cause my nerve damage directly. What did was being left in lithotomy poles that were too high for me as I am quite short, in an awkward position, for 3 hours without being moved.

Lucylou21 · 13/08/2007 15:51

Had Dd at 10.54, Dp left at about 12.30am when I taken up to the ward and to be honest I didn't mind at first.I think 8pm was the latest partners were able to stay. By the second night I was fed up of being in hospital and getting no sleep so this time around I am discharging myself if baby is fine. I would be much more relaxed at home without everyone elses babies waking me up too!

Quootiepie · 13/08/2007 15:57

I had DS at 10.59 pm and just passed out I think, was moved about 9am to the ward and DH stayed until kicking out time (about 9pm I think) so I was lucky to have him for 36 hours. He did try and leave about 2 hours after, until I started crying because I couldn't move

Habbibu · 13/08/2007 16:03

Think we were quite lucky - they left us to relax in the delivery suite, watching TV and phoning people for about an hour, then my husband went home at 10, and came back at 7. They very gently kicked partners out at 10, but in a very friendly fashion, and it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. I've heard from others who had their babies in the same hospital that if you have your baby in the early hours, and they're not swamped, they let you stay in the delivery suite until 7 anyway, so your partner doesn't have to go home.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsSOH · 13/08/2007 17:21

muppetgirl, sorry I disappeared to feed dd. She's 3 months old. There isn't a day goes by that I don't feel angry or sad about her birth and the first days of her life. I can't shake the feeling that I let her down so badly in the beginning. I know this is irrational but I wanted so much more for her first days on the planet. I wanted a homebirth, skin to skin straight away, to feed her asap etc. I didn't meet her until she was 20 minutes old and they'd put clothes on her, including a horrid brown knitted hat. I didn't give birth to a fully dressed baby.

I'm rambling again!

muppetgirl · 13/08/2007 18:02

Oh artist...
I can only say that hopefully things will get better with time. It took me 3 years to come to terms with my birth and that was only through going through my labour notes as I am expecting again.

I think, if you have the energy, you should complain partly so you can at least have a voice as to how you were treated and know that you will be listened to this time. This will hopefully give you some closure and maybe some of the control back that you lost in a 'you did this to me but I don't accept it' kind of way. It could also prevent it happening again to someone else.

You have a gorgeous dd no doubt, enjoy her but allow yourself to be angry about what happened (It was awful!!) but try not to let it take over.

MrsTittleMouse · 13/08/2007 18:21

Wow, sounds as though I was lucky. There wasn't space for me in a normal postnatal ward, so I was put into a recovery room in the delivery area. It meant that DH was still there after DD nearly died (, but she's OK now ) and when I was so exhausted and in shock that I was shaking. DH was able to do the skin to skin that I was physically incapable of. Sadly, then they found me a space on the ward, so DH had to go home, although I think he was quite relieved to get away from everything and have a stiff drink!

MrsTittleMouse · 13/08/2007 18:23

PS artist, I'm so sorry to hear your story. Are you getting any kind of help? I left it far too long thinking that I'd somehow magically get over things. I'm still in the early stages of counselling, but I've found someone who is completely on my side.

meandmy · 13/08/2007 18:30

i had my mom and dp at the birth, gave birth at 12.51am at 2am i was taken down to the ward and i was told that my dp and mom must go, i was so upset i had not been away from dp overnight since when we first got together so i couldnt sleep.
they dont warn you that when you view the hosp have antenatal classes/appts they should have to by law i got sooo upset

JARM · 13/08/2007 18:30

DD1 born at 2.45am, DH asked to leave at 4.45am

DD2 born at 12.15am - DH sent home at 1am! he got 45mins with me and baby, he wasnt even allowed on the ward.

I do think new fathers have as much right to be there as mothers, it takes 2 to make a baby

Flibbertyjibbet · 13/08/2007 18:33

When I had ds1 this did seem to be the policy, as we had had an hour to ourselves in the delivery room so its not like they were shoving him out the door immediately.
Tbh there had been so many people in the delivery room and it was so traumatic that I was just happy to be able to be on my own with baby and pull the curtains.
I was very glad they enforced the rule though as the next night just as I was trying to get some kip after my intro to night feeding (!!) a new mum came down, about 4am, and her partner was taking FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY until a midwife came and got rid. So although your partner was probably being very well behaved, the rule is there for those who aren't.
Ours said visiting for dads was 8am till 9pm which I think is pretty unfettered. If you were on a busy ward (which I was both times) would you really want unfettered visits at nighttime? NOT!!

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