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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Ex wants to be at the birth but I don’t want him there

30 replies

Sleepyhead19 · 22/08/2019 15:19

Hi all, my ex partner was at he birth of my son 6 years ago. He had no clue whatsoever about pregnancy or birth. I really mean no idea too! His excuse was men didn’t need to know. He made me feel very uncomfortable about things naturally occurring during a very traumatic labour. I was embarrassed. He still makes me feel that way and has joked about it. I can take a joke, but there are some things that just don’t need to be joked over.
Anyway, I’m expecting again and he’s going to leave but thinks he can force me to let him be at the birth. I already have severe anxiety over the birth due to 3 awful births previously and it’s just adding to it. I can’t face the thought of him being there knowing he doesn’t love me, hasn’t supported me this far in the pregnancy and didn’t want the baby when I told him about it. He still has no idea what a birth partner does despite me trying to tell him, and other than the end result producing a baby, he has no idea about birth either. I would much rather have the baby alone, safe in the knowledge that I didn’t need to feel self conscious. I think giving birth is such a personal thing and I don’t want to be worried about doing it simply because he is standing over me. I am happy for him to see the child as soon as I have cleaned up and showered.
I don’t think any midwife would allow him to be there if I did not want him to be, but am I right? He’s even talked about going to court over it.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/08/2019 15:22

The birth is about you, no court will allow him to be there, nor will any midwife.

He can see the baby when you feel ready and up to having him visit.

TuckMyWin · 22/08/2019 15:22

You're right. He's being ridiculous. Tell him to knock himself out and try to go to court over it. They wouldn't even entertain it.

HirplesWithHaggis · 22/08/2019 15:22

No court in the land would order that you must permit his presence while you go through medical treatment, so please don't worry about that. Tell your midwives you don't want him there, and they (and hospital security if necessary) will make sure he's not.

Best of luck when the time comes.

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2019 15:24

It’s your body. He has no rights over it at all. Tell him to go to court if he wants.

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2019 15:24

Is he still living with you? You call him your ex but say he's going to leave.

From what you've said it sounds as if he might ne abusive - does he do (m)any things from this list?

Either way, whether in a relationship with you or not, and whether abusive or not, he has no automatic right to be at the birth. You can tell your midwives that you don't want him there and add it to your birth plan, and the medical staff will not allow him to enter.

If you are no longer living together he won't even know you've gone into labour unless you tell him (which you obviously shouldn't).

Is there anyone else who could support you during labour - mum, sister, close friend?

Suebnm · 22/08/2019 15:26

You are absolutely right in not having him there.

Out of curiosity what do you think he is going to court about? To make them force you to allow him to see a very intimate process where medical staff are involved?

It seems highly unlikely the courts would allow that in my inexperienced view.

Enjoy your birth and good luck.

TheLionQueen1 · 22/08/2019 15:26

The maternity unit I was in it was like Fort Knox trying to get anyone in, so he wouldn't have stood a chance! It's completely your decision who is there with you and he won't stand a chance even making it to court! Good luck Thanks

HeyMonkey · 22/08/2019 15:28

He has no right to be there at all. Have the midwives bar him, and tell him that if he tries to turn up you will have the police called.

BoJoIsABellend · 22/08/2019 15:31

Your body your rules. Tell him to crack on with going to court over it...not happening!
Make sure you don't get pregnant by him again.

Original poster
Sleepyhead19 · 22/08/2019 15:33

Thanks all. Yes he’s saving a deposit to leave. While I want him to go ASAP, I also don’t feel I can turn him out with nowhere to go when I have a child with him. He shouldn’t be here when the time comes that I go into labour.
He likes to always get his point across and get his way so I suppose I could say that. It’s not just me he’s like that with though.

I think I just want to have the baby alone this time. I have a friend who works on my local maternity unit so I may ask her to be there but I’m not too worried about doing it by myself.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 22/08/2019 15:41

It sounds like you'll be really anxious if he's there, which is about the worst thing for labour progression! Agree with everyone else. No court in the land will order you to let him be present at the birth and the midwives will make short work of him if he turns up.

...Suspect he's going to make sure he's still living in your home when your time comes so you can't simply not tell him - I'd concentrate on getting him out sharpish, tbh.

NeedingAdvice29 · 22/08/2019 16:00

@Sleepyhead19 like PPs have said, tell midwifes and doctors you don’t want him there and include it in your birth plan. Make absolute certain everyone knows that he isn’t allowed anywhere near you whilst in labour.

As for doing it alone, I did once. Actually found it went a lot easier and a lot less anxious than when I had anyone with me. The midwives were brilliant, I wasn’t left alone at all by them once I went into active labour and they were far more supportive and calming (and distracting!! One told jokes that had me laughing through the pain right up until babies head started crowning! Once that happened she dimmed the lights and let me squeeze her hand without once complaining it was sore!!) Really hoping you have a similar experience Flowers

Alsonification · 22/08/2019 16:07

I was 7 mths pregnant on number 2 when I split with my exh. He told me he wanted to be at the birth. I told him to go ahead & try it. I would scream at full volume until security came. I told him to think about who the hospital would look after, their patient or him? He never showed.

titchy · 22/08/2019 16:16

Does he really think a judge is going to give him permission to stare at a woman's vagina without her consent?

8by8 · 22/08/2019 16:24

Absolutely no court is going to say he’s allowed into the delivery room, don’t worry.

Put it in block capitals on the top of your birth plan and tell every midwife who comes in to your room - he is not allowed in, whatever he says.

The4ks · 22/08/2019 17:01

Definitely not. If u don't feel comfortable you're well within your rights.
You're at your most vulnerable in labour so it's all about what u want not him.
And the court thing is laughable

campion · 22/08/2019 17:47

He isn't going to pay for legal proceedings if he can't even afford to move out,is he? Especially as he hasn't got a case.
He's bullying you. As others have said,your choice and hospital will only allow in who you have asked.

The only legal proceedings might be when the police arrive to remove him!

Original poster
Sleepyhead19 · 22/08/2019 18:02

Thank you everyone. He made me feel like I was being really unreasonable. He said it will stop him bonding with the baby and everything. So glad I posted. Thank you x

OP posts:
GeorgeTheFirst · 22/08/2019 18:05

It's not just that the court wouldn't order this - there is no such application he can make. It's not possible. Ignore him.

slipperywhensparticus · 22/08/2019 18:06

Can you kick him out early he sounds like he is bad for your mental health

timeisnotaline · 22/08/2019 23:24

It will stop him bonding? Try for a few snark ridden responses: ‘oh no much worse dads than you look like being manage to bond with their children’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, bonding is about doing the hard yards once baby is born. My money is still on we won’t see you for dust when it comes to late nights and early mornings, but if you’re serious about bonding maybe i will be wrong’
‘The mums stress hormones when nursing a newborn are critical so if you want to be a good dad you should leave now’
He obviously is saying that because he wants one up on you not because he gives a shit about your baby.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 23/08/2019 18:01

Ummm yeah good luck with him getting a court to do that! Grin as a PP said - there is literally no legal basis to even make an application of that kind. It wouldn't be heard, much less granted. I would love to see the face of any solicitor he tried to retain to that end.

I would tell your midwife well ahead of time that he wants to be there and you don't want him to be so that she can document it clearly in your notes. Also if he is still there as the birth gets closer, you may need to harden your heart and kick him out.

Buddytheelf85 · 25/08/2019 09:16

What an idiot. As a PP said, it’s not even that a court wouldn’t let him - he couldn’t even make such an application to the court. In other words he wouldn’t even get in front of a court - that’s how much nonsense he’s spouting.

And you are right, no midwife or doctor in the land is going to make you have him present. Just make sure they know beforehand - tell your midwife what you’ve written here and say in your birth plan you don’t want him there. Most maternity units are like Alcatraz - he won’t be getting in against your wishes!

Don’t worry about this. You are the patient. This is your body and your baby. You are in complete control and you are under no obligation to anyone else.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and birth!

firstimemamma · 25/08/2019 09:26

100% don't have him there. It wouldn't be any good for you plus he doesn't deserve to get what he wants.

Toneitdown · 25/08/2019 09:39

He sounds like a complete moron. A court order? Lol Grin

When you are giving birth you are a patient at the hospital. It doesn't matter if he's the King of England, he will not be allowed anywhere near you if you don't want him there. You don't even have to give a reason, you just say "I don't want him in here" and that's that. He's not allowed. If he tried to force his way in they have security that will escort him from the premises.

Tell him to stop being so bloody stupid and perhaps refocus his energies on preparing to become a father again.