Hi there
I have been having regular scans for slow growth and on Friday the Doppler scan showed reduced fluid around baby...
Was addmitted the same day with an induction booked for Saturday which I felt slightly pressured into by consultant and dh who is more concerned about baby.
Now I hate HATE hospitals and I have ongoing issues with anxiety disorder, when we got here the place was about 45 degrees and I had a massive panic attack while on monitoring which meant more monitoring I was on the machine for about 3 hours... midwives asked if I was ok but didn’t really delve as very busy and short staffed.
So in over the weekend and nothing happened with induction as so busy and twice a day monitoring shows baby is just fine where he is (ctgs are still textbook apparently)
So baby fine I am not.
The first pessary finally went in on Monday morning and all I have to show for it is raised blood pressure- was 118/61 on fri morning is now 143/93 and it’s all anxiety.
I’m in an induction bay... there is no privacy, other ladies are going into labour all around and groaning in pain until space can be found on labour ward and this is my first so I’m finding this absolutely terrifying as this is my first..
I hate other people’s noise and being on the ward is chiselling away at my nerves... I didn’t know it was possible for women to snore so loud... I’ve got earplugs in but I can still hear... there’s a new baby in a private room about 20 feet away who’s been crying all night, doors are slamming, machines are beeping I’ve had a headache for 3 days...
I never wanted an induction as I feel strongly about forcing my body into something it’s clearly not ready for (bishop score is currently 1) due to low fluid I went along with the whole thing :(
I hate it here I’m being examined by a different midwife everyday and my vag is sore and I’m starting to feel horribly violated...
I was having vague cramps but now pesseray is out and I’m on a rest before next one they have stopped I have no doubt this is due to the anxiety crushing them like a bug.
They coming back early in the morning to try again... I was crying for about 3 hours. I don’t want them to do it... I don’t want to be on this bay any more... every instinct I have is screaming at me that this is not going to work.
I’m now terrified of prolonged stalled labour with my greatest fear (episiotomy / instrumental delivery) coming true... and I’m lying here wishing I’d had an abortion or I was dead I seriously can’t Cope with this...
What do I do? I’d prefer a caesarean,I’ve reached the upper limit of my endurance and I can’t do it any more...
Well done if you got through that... I’m not really feeling very eloquent today xxxx